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      Guest Host Desus Nice Breaks Down Trump’s Excuses on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’

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      “He says the F.B.I. planted fake evidence to frame him, and now he wants them to return the fake evidence,” Nice said. “Even O.J. is like, ‘Yo, bro, you wildin.’”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not-So-Safe KeepingDesus Nice, the former co-host of Showtime’s “Desus & Mero” guest hosted “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Monday, where the topic was the F.B.I.’s search of former President Donald Trump’s Florida estate, Mar-a-Lago.“He’s like a racist Jason Bourne, but more orange,” Nice said of Trump.“Trump says the documents the F.B.I. took from Mar-a-Lago are covered by his white privilege — wait, excuse me, I mean his executive privilege.” — DESUS NICE“They also confiscated 8,000 McRibs, nine Melania clones, one never-been-used Peloton, two tons of industrial-grade ranch dressing, ‘Girls Gone Wild’ volumes 8 through 19 — ay, yo! — Lindsey Graham’s testicles.” — DESUS NICE“Let me just break down Trump’s defense: He says the F.B.I. planted fake evidence to frame him, and now he wants them to return the fake evidence. Even O.J. is like, ‘Yo, bro, you wildin.’” — DESUS NICE“Here’s the thing Donald Trump doesn’t understand: He doesn’t own those documents. They belong to his former employer, the United States government. See, that’s not how jobs work. When you get fired from an office, you don’t get to take the Xerox machine home with you. When I got fired from Showtime, they didn’t let me bring home the cast of ‘Shameless.’” — DESUS NICE“And people are saying, ‘What’s the big deal about a president keeping classified documents at his house?’ Because his house is a golf resort! It has a seafood buffet on Wednesday nights. Come on. This is like if Obama left the nuclear codes at Red Lobster.” — DESUS NICEThe Punchiest Punchlines (Top Secret Edition)“Over the weekend, we found out that the F.B.I. seized 11 sets of classified documents from Trump’s home, including four sets that were marked ‘Top Secret.’ You know Trump just kept those hoping to come across KFC’s secret blend.” — JIMMY FALLON“Also, just a thought, but if the government doesn’t want people reading those files, maybe they shouldn’t label them ‘Top Secret.’ It’s like a guy labeling a porn folder on his computer, ‘Best Porn.’ Call it banana bread recipe. No one will open it.” — JIMMY FALLON“The government should do what we do: Just put secrets in a folder called ‘Taxes 2012-2017.’ Yeah, I have done that my whole life. The only screwup was, I did this when I was 12 years old, and then my mother was like, ‘What taxes are you paying when you’re 12?’ And then she busted me for porn and tax evasion.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingThe singer-songwriter Em Beihold made her television debut on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightSterling K. Brown will appear on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutAfter John Turturro, left, was cast in “Severance,” he suggested Christopher Walken for a role.Wilson Webb/Apple TV+Christopher Walken and John Turturro drew on their years of friendship for their Emmy-nominated roles in “Severance.” More

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      Stephen Colbert Taunts Trump for Bad Bathroom Behavior

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      “To be fair, it’s unclear if those are official White House documents or his toilet’s suicide note,” Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Name DropperStephen Colbert couldn’t resist razzing Donald Trump on Monday night after photos were released that were said to show ripped up notes in the former president’s toilet.“Not the first time the former president tried to flush something embarrassing. One time, staffers went in there and found Eric,” Colbert joked, referring to the former president’s son.“Of course, when the story broke, the ex-president denied it. So, that’s it. There’s no way to know the truth — until this weekend, when the plot went from one-ply to two, because Haberman revealed these photos from a White House source, showing some torn-up toilet memos. To be fair, it is unclear if those are official White House documents or his toilet’s suicide note.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, referring to Maggie Haberman, a New York Times reporter“He even wrote the name ‘Stefanik,’ as in Elise Stefanik, one of the ex-president’s biggest G.O.P. defenders in Congress. If you’re in the MAGA world, that’s huge. Congrats, Elise, heard the president dropped your name.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Wow, even the toilets are writing tell-alls.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Biden’s Back — Again Edition)“Good news, President Biden is now Covid-free! Happy to hear that. He’s back on his feet and as healthy as a 175-year-old horse.” — ROB MCELHENNEY, guest host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live”“This was Biden’s second bout with the virus. You know, these rebound Covid cases are quite rare. They say the odds of Joe Biden getting reinfected were almost as low as the odds that he gets re-elected.” — ROB MCELHENNEY“And 18 days is a long time in quarantine, but I’m sure he’ll get right back into the swing of things, you know, because, yeah, being president is a lot like, you know, riding a bike — oh, Joe, no, don’t do it! Don’t do it!” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, Biden had a great weekend. He’s feeling so good, last night he looked at his bottle of Cialis like, ‘Not tonight, pal. I got this.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe Canadian singer-songwriter Lauren Spencer-Smith made her U.S. television debut on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightKate McKinnon will pop by Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutAbbi Jacobson plays a talented, anxious catcher who becomes her team’s leader.Amazon StudiosAbbi Jacobson cocreated and stars in the new Amazon television adaptation of the popular 1992 film, “A League of Their Own.” More

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      Trevor Noah Rips Russia for Brittney Griner Sentence

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      “We all know Russia doesn’t care about what Brittney Griner did,” Noah said, calling Russia “the same country that’s breaking every human rights law on the planet.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Most Valuable PlayerThe American basketball star Brittney Griner was found guilty of a drug-related offense and was sentenced to nine years in a Russian penal colony on Thursday.On “The Daily Show,” Trevor Noah said he hoped the sentence was a negotiation tactic and that President Biden could now trade a Russian war criminal for Griner.“Whoever America has in prison, send them to Russia. Yeah, it seems like they win, but don’t forget, that person now has to live in Russia. Yeah, yeah. They’ll get there and be like, [imitating a Russian criminal] ‘This whole country is prison. I miss food in Alcatraz, no!’” — TREVOR NOAH“We all know Russia doesn’t care about what Brittney Griner did. This is the same country that’s breaking every human rights law on the planet, but they’re like, ‘That woman has vape cartridge. She’s real criminal.” — TREVOR NOAH“Now, Biden will try to negotiate a deal to bring her home, and if that doesn’t work, he’s going to send Jon Stewart to get the job done for him.” — JIMMY FALLON“Now if we had more time, we could talk about how this could have been avoided if the W.N.B.A. paid their stars enough so they didn’t have to go and play in Russia in the off-season to make money.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Choco Taco Update Edition)“That’s right, President Biden is getting some things done.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, the Choco Taco could return in the coming years. Apparently you cannot rush the artisanal process of folding an ice cream cone in half.” — JIMMY FALLON“What? This is amazing! Klondike ended the Choco Taco and the fans brought it back. This is the kind of passion you normally only see in, like, the Beyhive or BTS army. They should get their own name, like the Choco Taco flock’o.” — TREVOR NOAH“They had so much demand for their product line that to keep up, they had to eliminate the Choco Taco and all of its popular toppings, like tableside choco-mole.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Thursday’s “Tonight Show,” Brad Pitt gave Jimmy Fallon an idea of what to expect from his new film “Bullet Train.”Also, Check This OutLina Iris Viktor’s piece “Eleventh” from 2018 is on display as part of the exhibition. The mixed media work includes 24-karat gold.Lina Iris Viktor; via Hayward GalleryDescribed as “a feel-good show about death,” “In the Black Fantastic” looks beyond Afro-Futurism at London’s Hayward Gallery. More

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      Trevor Noah Celebrates a Shocking Victory for Abortion Rights in Kansas

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      “Congratulations, Kansas. It’s moments like these I wish I knew which one of these states you were,” Noah joked on Wednesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not in Kansas AnymoreKansas voters rejected a constitutional amendment on Tuesday that would restrict and limit access to abortion rights in the state.“Congratulations, Kansas. It’s moments like these I wish I knew which one of these states you were,” Trevor Noah joked on Wednesday.“And may I remind you, Kansas is a state so bright red, it looks like me after 30 seconds on the beach.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, no one expected this. This was a bigger shock than when Batgirl found out her real nemesis was the C.E.O. of Warner Brothers.” — TREVOR NOAH, referring to a decision to kill a $90 million “Batgirl” movie“Wow, somewhere right now Brett Kavanaugh is angrily chugging a Coors Light tallboy with PJ and Squee.” — SETH MEYERS“And this is where you realize as well the anti-abortion views of right-wing lawmakers and some people on the Supreme Court — they don’t mirror what actual Americans want, right? It’s not accurate. And that’s a huge problem in this country. It’s like letting the craziest dude in your friend group plan your bachelor party. And you’re going to be like ‘I just wanted to play beer pong — how did we end up in a Bangkok prison? Not cool, Samuel.’” — TREVOR NOAH“They also changed their state bird from the western meadowlark to flipping off Sam Alito.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Bad Votes Edition)“So last night was a very good night for Donald ‘Jigglypuff’ Trump. In Michigan, his candidate defeated a Republican who voted to impeach him. In Arizona, his candidates won the primaries for senate and secretary of state, and in Missouri, the Eric he endorsed beat the other Eric that he endorsed. Yeah, it was the best night Trump has had that didn’t end with somebody signing an NDA.” — TREVOR NOAH“Most alarming about the elections is that many of the big winners include several election deniers backed by the former president. Apparently, the majority of Republican voters don’t trust voting, so after they cast their ballots, they got multiple stickers: ‘I voted.’ ‘Or did I?’ ‘Stop the sticker!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And these could have national implications because these Republicans, the ones winning now, they all believe in crazy conspiracy theories about Biden stealing the election in 2020. So if they win the final races, they could end up in charge of counting the votes in 2024. I don’t know about you, but I know for certain I do not trust them with their job.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingThe stand-up comic Katherine Blanford made her television debut on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightLL Cool J will stop by Thursday’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.”Also, Check This OutJennette McCurdy’s relationship with her mother is the narrative force at the center of her memoir.Ahmed Gaber for The New York TimesJennette McCurdy reflects on her time as a child actor and on her troubled relationship with her mother in her new memoir, “I’m Glad My Mom Died.” More

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      Trevor Noah Weighs In on the Killing of Ayman al-Zawahri

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      Noah argued that safe houses should be called something different because “every terrorist gets killed in a safe house.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Safety Not GuaranteedOn Monday, President Biden announced that an American drone strike killed the Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahri.“What’s crazy is that America didn’t just kill him — they killed him with a razor blade missile,” Trevor Noah said on Tuesday, adding that he didn’t even know such things existed. “The weapons America has sound like things that kids just make up on the playground.”“America clipped the world’s most wanted terrorist off of his safe house balcony? I mean, also, at this point maybe we should stop calling them ‘safe houses.’ No, every terrorist gets killed in a safe house. They should — they should call it a house that you think you’re safe in, but you never know.” — TREVOR NOAH“I will say, you know, when you see stories like this, when you see stories about what America is capable of, this is where you realize there’s really no excuse for the amount of domestic terrorism in America, all right? Because al-Zawahri — al-Zawahri lived all the way in Afghanistan in some random safe house in the middle of nowhere, and America knew what time of day he liked to go out onto his balcony. But when a white supremacist posts on Facebook he’s going to murder everyone and buys an AR-15, everyone’s like, ‘There was no way to stop this. If only he liked balconies.’” — TREVOR NOAH“Reportedly, the C.I.A. targeted him with a drone strike while he was on the balcony of his house at 6:18 a.m. on Sunday. That’s so early. He was drinking from a mug that said, ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my hellfire missile.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s right, they got him with a drone. His last words were, ‘Wait, did I order same-day delivery?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, they took him out with a drone. And if that didn’t work, they were just going to send him an envelope that Biden licked.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, Biden took out al-Zawahri, Obama took out bin Laden, and Trump said, ‘OK, who wants to order takeout?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Pelosi Takes Taiwan Edition)“Well, everyone is talking about this, even though China said that there would be consequences, Nancy Pelosi ignored the warnings and decided to visit Taiwan. Poor Biden, he took out the top leader of Al Qaeda, and everyone’s like, ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nancy just landed in Taiwan?” — JIMMY FALLON“Biden is like, ‘It’s a bold move that definitely could have waited until I was out of office!’” — JIMMY FALLON“Pelosi has clearly stolen the headlines from Biden. Now, to get back on top, Biden is thinking about getting Covid a third time.” — JIMMY FALLON“The threats from the Chinese government have not been subtle. Last week, the Chinese warned that, ‘Those who play with fire will perish by it.’ Have you seen California? That’s not the threat it once was, China.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Chinese continue to rattle their flaming saber, warning, ‘The visit would trigger severe consequences,’ and warned that their military won’t sit by idly, with their government explaining, ‘no matter for what reason Pelosi goes to Taiwan, it will be a stupid, dangerous and unnecessary gamble.’ That’s ominous. Also a perfect slogan for White Castle.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Chinese have also conducted live-fire drills in the South China Sea and scrambled jets as her plane landed in Taiwan. All of this for an 82-year-old woman with bones made of peanut brittle. Tensions are so bad the Defense Department has upgraded its readiness to Defcon: Mee-maw.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe stand-up comic Ms. Pat talked about her Emmy-nominated sitcom, “The Ms. Pat Show,” on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightKevin Bacon will join Jimmy Fallon on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutFrom left, Wes Studi, D’Pharaoh Woon-A-Tai and Paulina Alexis in a scene from Season 2 of “Reservation Dogs,” which centers on a group of teenagers on an Oklahoma reservation.Shane Brown/FXThe second season of FX’s “Reservation Dogs” deepens the show’s emotion and builds on its sense of place. More

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      Late Night Reacts to Biden’s Rebound Covid Case

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      “It’s the hottest rebound since J. Lo tested positive for a second case of Affleck,” Stephen Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.On the ReboundOver the weekend, President Biden tested positive for Covid-19 again, days after being treated with Paxlovid for a previous case. Others, like Stephen Colbert, have similar stories.“Wow, getting Covid twice in a row ’cause you took Paxlovid? Who could’ve seen this coming?” Colbert said. “It happened to me.”“It happened to lots of folks. I don’t know anyone who took Paxlovid who didn’t get it again. It’s the hottest rebound since J. Lo tested positive for a second case of Affleck.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Researchers say Paxlovid rebound is caused by insufficient drug exposure: not enough of the Paxlovid drug gets to infected cells to stop all viral replication. So the Covid pops right back up, which is why the White House is now trying to give Paxlovid to Biden’s poll numbers.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Aunt Barbara Edition)“It’s definitely not the rebound Biden was hoping for.” — TREVOR NOAH“That’s right, over the weekend, President Biden returned to isolation after once again testing positive for Covid in what his doctor called a rebound case. Right now, Biden’s looking on the bright side. He’s like, ‘Well, at least my Covid got a second term.’” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, a rebound case of Covid. Usually when a 79-year-old is on the rebound, you’re meeting your new aunt named Barbara.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, the virus came back so fast, staffers didn’t even have time to take down the ‘Get well soon’ balloons.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingOn “The Daily Show,” correspondent Roy Wood Jr. investigated the origins of house music for the latest edition of his segment “CP Time.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightKing Princess will play a song from her new album, “Hold on Baby,” on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutRepresentative Shirley Chisholm of New York on “Meet the Press” in 1972 with her rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination.Bettmann, via Getty Images“The Only Woman in the Room” collects photos of lone women holding their own among male politicians, athletes, scientists, journalists, jazz musicians and others. More

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      Stephen Colbert Can’t Believe ‘Joe Manchin Is Fighting Climate Change’

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      “Wait, am I dreaming? I have all my teeth, I’m not a skeleton, you’re all wearing clothes, I’m rich and famous — no, this is real,” Colbert joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Don’t Wake Me if I’m DreamingIn a major surprise this week, Senator Joe Manchin III agreed to support a climate, energy and tax package after previously saying that he wouldn’t. The bill is being hailed as a major step in U.S. efforts to combat global warming. On Thursday, Stephen Colbert was relieved but confused.“Joe Manchin is fighting climate change?” Colbert said. “Wait, am I dreaming? I have all my teeth, I’m not a skeleton, you’re all wearing clothes, I’m rich and famous — no, this is real.”“I can’t believe it! Joe Manchin agreed to vote for a bill? Which means Democrats might actually get something done? Am I — am I dreaming? And if so, what a boring dream!” — TREVOR NOAH“People, I am told, are very excited about the bill, including President Biden, who said, ‘This is the action the American people have been waiting for.’ Technically, sir, technically, that was ‘Top Gun: Maverick.’ Cruise — Cruise has still got it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Also, what a week for Joe Biden, huh? First he defeated Covid, then he defeated low expectations. Look at you, Joe, look at you!” — TREVOR NOAH“This is a huge victory for Biden. In fact, right after the announcement, his approval rating skyrocketed to 11 percent.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (JetBlue Has Spirit Edition)“In business news. JetBlue has officially announced that it will buy Spirit Airlines for $3.8 billion. Yeah, 3.8 billion. Yeah. What’s crazy is that Spirit still charged them $30 for a carry-on bag.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yes. JetBlue and Spirit, it’s the perfect marriage between broken TVs and broken planes.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, Spirit agreed to a deal with JetBlue and canceled their merger with Frontier Airlines. Today, Frontier was like, ‘Well, it’s Spirit, how did we not see this cancellation coming?’” — JIMMY FALLON“But, I mean, this is a smart move for JetBlue. You know, a lot of people are confused. They’re like, ‘Why?’ But it makes sense. As a business you want to diversify, you know? Think about it — why just be an airline when you can be both an airline and a flying Porta-Potty?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingBilly Porter belted the “Dreamgirls” hit “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutRebecca Hall in “Resurrection.”IFC MidnightRebecca Hall stars as a successful single mother haunted by a terrifying man from her past in the new horror film “Resurrection.” More

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      Stephen Colbert Thinks a New Trump Investigation Has Potential

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      Colbert said he was “potentially very excited” about the Department of Justice’s “potential” investigation into Trump.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trump’s Full of ItThe Justice Department, as part of its Jan. 6 investigation, is looking into information about former President Donald Trump’s potential crimes in attempting to overturn the 2020 election.“‘Potential’ fraud? It’s the ‘false-electors scheme’!’” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday. “You don’t call something a ‘scheme’ and ‘false’ if it’s on the level.”“It is about damn time. At this point, the investigators are like the last person at the office to catch on to a popular TV show: ‘So get this, guys — there are dragons, but they hardly ever show them. There’s lots of nudity. I’m really looking forward to the Red Wedding episode. I’m so happy for Robb Stark. He deserves all the love. Everyone in the family’s going to be there!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I am potentially very excited, because all of this is potentially huge, because no former president has ever been charged with a crime in the country’s history. So what? Before John Wayne Gacy, no one ever executed a birthday clown.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, another investigation, and I don’t know, guys, at this point, I feel like the Justice Department is just going to have to dedicate an entire division to Trump, you know? Just give him his own one. You know, like they’ll have national security division, the civil rights division and the ‘What the hell did Donald Trump do now’ division?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Back in Action, Jack Edition)“Well, guys, here’s some good news today. President Biden officially ended his quarantine after testing negative for Covid. That’s right. And now that he’s got a few weeks of immunity, Biden’s about to rage, oooh. ‘[imitating Biden] Jill, we’re having dinner at seven tonight. Oh, yeah.’” — JIMMY FALLON“First of all, President Biden has officially tested negative for Covid and he got his doctor’s approval to come out of isolation. Yes, it’s great. Really is great. It is also the only positive approval he has at the moment, you know. But that’s a start.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, Biden beat Covid, and luckily, Covid conceded gracefully.” — JIMMY FALLON“Even though he tested negative, not that much changes for Biden. He still works from home, avoids crowds, and takes 20 pills a day.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth Watching“The Daily Show” correspondent Ronny Chieng investigated why some Eastern Oregon citizens want to adjust the Idaho border.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightBilly Porter will appear on Thursday’s “Tonight Show” to talk about his directorial debut with “Anything’s Possible.”Also, Check This OutLauren Ridloff, who became the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s first deaf superhero, in “Eternals.”Marvel/DisneyA new study shows that disability representation onscreen is improving but still falls short, especially on television. More