“If he ever goes to trial, he’ll just regurgitate a frog that has ‘not guilty’ written on its back,” Meyers joked on Wednesday night.
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
Indictment Excitement
Late night had another Trump-filled evening on Wednesday with news that the Manhattan district attorney had convened a grand jury to decide whether to indict the former president on insurance, bank and tax fraud charges.
Seth Meyers said he was shocked it took two years.
“Trump has arguably confessed to multiple crimes in public, incited a violent insurrection, been impeached twice, was an unindicted co-conspirator in a hush money case, paid just $750 in federal income taxes while he was president, and did everything possible to hide his taxes from public view. At this point, I wouldn’t be shocked if it turned out he tried to claim a deduction for a bribe.” — SETH MEYERS
“Trump always manages to wriggle out of a jam. He’s like the David Blaine of crime. If he ever goes to trial, he’ll just regurgitate a frog that has ‘not guilty’ written on its back. If the feds come for him, he’ll hide out in a glass box over the Thames.” — SETH MEYERS
“I mean, what else do we need? Trump to show up to a Fox interview with a shovel and a shirt that says, ‘I love burying bodies’?” — SETH MEYERS
“It’s just basic logic that if you’re surrounded at all times by that many criminals, there’s a solid chance you’re also a criminal. You never hear someone onstage at a concert say: ‘That’s Doug on the bass. Give it up for Russell, on rhythm guitar. That’s Mick on lead. That’s Billy on keyboards. And me? Oh, no, I’m not in a band. I don’t do music. Those guys do, not me.’” — SETH MEYERS
“Of course, Trump responded to the news. In his official statement, he said, ‘It’s a total witch hunt.’ Then he added, ‘I’m completely innocent,’ and, finally, he said, ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a flight to Mexico.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“All lack of facts aside, insiders have said that investigators are looking into whether the stated value of properties owned by the former president were manipulated in a way that defrauded banks and insurance companies, and if any tax benefits were obtained illegally through unscrupulous asset valuation. Well, of course they’re unscrupulous. This man has never scruped. Investigators better bring an unscruper scooper.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“In addition to being a potential crime, ‘unscrupulous asset evaluation’ sounds like something Trump would put under ‘interests’ on his Tinder bio.” — SETH MEYERS
“Now, it’s no surprise the formation of this grand jury did not sit well with Clownigula. He put out a long internet post calling the investigation ‘a witch hunt’ that was ‘purely political.’ Not purely — it’s also emotional and spiritual. Every one of my chakras wants you in jail.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“But how can he say it’s political when he’s no longer in politics? Well, according to Politico, simple: float another run for president. Besides, as one aide put it, ‘He’s missing being president terribly.’ It makes sense: He did spend four years being president terribly.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“If Obama were under investigation, we would be talking about that, too, but he’s not. The only news Obama makes these days is showbiz related. In fact, if you hear about Obama investigations, it’s probably a new show on HBO Max.” — SETH MEYERS
The Punchiest Punchlines (Trump on Trial Edition)
“Can you imagine Donald Trump on trial? Putting that little orange hand on a Bible, suddenly the Bible bursts into flames. He escapes in the chaos like a Batman villain.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“They’re looking at whether Trump lied about the value of his properties to get loans approved and to pay lower taxes. Does this really need an investigation? I feel like he spent four full years bragging about doing exactly that.” — JAMES CORDEN
“We know a trial is close when the courtroom sketch artist goes to Michaels and says, ‘Give me all the orange crayons you have.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“But don’t worry, Trump supporters, Rudy Giuliani is on the case.” — JAMES CORDEN
“Yep, Trump knew he was in trouble when he called his lawyer and the F.B.I. answered Rudy’s phone: ‘You’re being recorded.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“God, imagine that arrest: ‘You have the right to an attorney, but as a friend, I wouldn’t recommend it.’” — SETH MEYERS, referring to Giuliani
“Oh, baby, I love to watch him sweat. My mistake, no, I don’t.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
During Wednesday’s “Late Show,” Will Arnett cracked Stephen Colbert up with a story about an awkward audition involving Kevin Costner.
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
Emma Stone will talk about “Cruella” on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”
Also, Check This Out
The “Friends” reunion is a nostalgic treat for fans of the long-running sitcom.
Source: Television - nytimes.com
