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    Late Night Celebrates Biden’s 79th Birthday

    Jimmy Fallon joked that when the president blew out his candles, “everyone started clapping and the lights went on and off.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Happy Birthday, Mr. PresidentLate Night belatedly celebrated President Biden’s 79th birthday, which took place over the weekend.“Biden spent his birthday in Wilmington, Delaware, and went to a 5 o’clock Mass. Man, does this guy know how to party or what?” Jimmy Fallon said on Monday night. “I mean, even Mike Pence was like, ‘Ever heard of Chuck E. Cheese?’”“Democrats call it a happy occasion, and Republicans call it proof that inflation is out of control.” — SETH MEYERS“To give you perspective on how old that is, Bill Clinton — remember him? The guy who was president almost 30 years ago? — he’s 75 now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But you can tell Biden’s 79 because, when he blew out his candles, everyone started clapping and the lights went on and off.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Healthy and Vigorous Male Edition)“Biden kicked off his birthday weekend with a colonoscopy. Doctors said there were no traces of malarkey. Everything looked good, or everything looked as good as the inside of an elderly man’s butt can look.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“White House physician Dr. Kevin O’Connor says Joe Biden is a ‘healthy and vigorous male.’ ‘Vigorous.’ Why does every presidential checkup sound like a Cialis ad? I mean we need them to run the country, not impregnate our women.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Glad he’s healthy, of course. Kind of hoping they’d find that he has that Benjamin Button disease — he’s actually getting younger every day.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Personally, I’m grateful that on Friday, history was made because Joe Biden temporarily transferred power to Vice President Kamala Harris while undergoing a routine colonoscopy, making Harris the first woman to assume presidential power. Yes, 100 years after women got the right to vote, we finally got the first female president on a technicality.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden makes the case for why massages are strange for people in committed relationships on Monday’s “Late Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightLady Gaga and Tony Bennett will appear on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutAlva SkogTorrey Peters’s “Detransition, Baby” and Kiese Laymon’s “How to Slowly Kill Yourself and Others in America” are among the 100 Notable Books of 2021. More

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    Late Night Takes on the U.S.-Mexico-Canada BBQ, or Summit

    “I think it’s nice that we’re friendly with our neighbors again,” Kimmel said of Biden’s meeting with leaders of Canada and Mexico.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Gang’s All HerePresident Biden met with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada and President Andrés Manuel López Obrador of Mexico at the White House on Thursday to talk trade and other issues — in the return of meetings after a five-year hiatus during the Trump administration.“This is a traditional thing. It hasn’t been held since 2016 because — guess why?” Jimmy Kimmel said on Thursday night.“That’s right, when Trump was president, the regular meeting between the three leaders never happened. Now that it’s back, it’d be wild if the Mexican president was like, ‘Oh, and here’s a check for that wall.’” — JIMMY FALLON“I wish I could have seen Trump’s face when he found out Biden met with the president of Mexico at the White House. You know he was like: ‘Impossible! How’d he get through my wall? This doesn’t make any sense!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I think it’s nice that we’re friendly with our neighbors again. It’s like America’s abusive ex-boyfriend moved out, and we’re finally getting invited back to the barbecues in the neighborhood.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, the leaders spent time talking about immigration. Biden complained about the number of Mexicans coming to America; Trudeau complained about the number of Americans coming to Canada.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, basically, Mexico and Canada heard all of America blasting Adele and wanted to check in on us.” — JIMMY FALLON“They called it the ‘Three Amigos Summit,’ which is still better than what Biden wanted to call it, which was ‘Meeting La Vida Loca.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (Lose-Lose Situation Edition)“Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers isn’t the only N.F.L. quarterback who’s been holding out. Joe Flacco, of the New York Jets, revealed that he, too, is unvaccinated. Flacco told the media he doesn’t want to get into his reasoning because it would be a distraction to the team, and the most important thing is to focus on going out there and losing football games right now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, the main difference between this and the Aaron Rodgers story is Aaron Rodgers led everyone to believe he was vaccinated, and, also, no one cares about Joe Flacco.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“New York Jets quarterback Joe Flacco announced at a press conference yesterday that he is not vaccinated against the coronavirus and said that he ‘has his reasons.’ I mean, he’s a backup quarterback on the Jets — I assume his reason is that he’s ready to die.”— SETH MEYERS“That’s right, New York Jets quarterback Joe Flacco announced he’s not vaccinated against the coronavirus. But don’t worry about his teammates — it’s rare for the Jets to catch anything.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingJeff Goldblum sat down with Desus and Mero, and the actor ended up asking most of the questions.Also, Check This OutAlanis Morissette is the subject of the documentary “Jagged.”HBO/Music Box“Jagged” documents Alanis Morissette’s rise to fame with her hit 1995 album, “Jagged Little Pill.” More

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    Seth Meyers: Steve Bannon Fancies Himself to Be Logan Roy

    Meyers said Bannon was more like “a coked-up flunky who would get hired to help cousin Greg shred some documents and accidentally screw it up.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.More Like Cousin SteveSteve Bannon turned himself in to the F.B.I. on Monday morning after refusing to provide information related to the events of Jan. 6. Bannon made a statement in which he referred to himself as “Captain Bannon” and promoted his political podcast.Seth Meyers, referring to the hit HBO series “Succession,” joked that Bannon “definitely likes to think of himself as a Logan Roy type, but he’s more like a coked-up flunky who would get hired to help cousin Greg shred some documents and accidentally screw it up.”“Right now, a congressional committee is trying to determine if President Trump and allies were involved in the violent attempt to overturn the election, and one of the people they most want to hear from is Steve Bannon, former Trump adviser and the only person who maybe should try horse dewormer. I mean, it couldn’t hurt.” — TREVOR NOAH“Steve Bannon might finally face justice and, if he goes to prison, take a shower.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Bannon was indicted Friday on two charges of criminal contempt after he refused to show up for a deposition ordered by the House Jan. 6 committee. When he turned himself in, the F.B.I. were like, ‘Oh, really, do we have to? We have to take him?’” — JAMES CORDEN“And like any innocent person, Trump told his people not to cooperate with law enforcement at all. So Bannon defied a congressional subpoena to testify, and this morning, he turned himself in, arriving at an F.B.I. office looking like he’d already served 10 years in prison.” — TREVOR NOAH“Also, it really undercuts your attempt at defiance and bravado when there’s a guy right behind you holding up a sign that says ‘Coup plotter.’” — SETH MEYERS“Steve, did you hear what he said about you the second it was convenient? Respect yourself and move on!” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on Trump’s disparaging comments about Bannon“Bannon, though, already has a plan if he does get sent to prison. His first day there he is just going to go up to the biggest, meanest, worst guy in the entire yard and help him get elected president in 2024.” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (The P Word Edition)“Wow, Trump is gangster. [imitating Trump] ‘Why would I dispute it? The guy is a total [expletive] — why would I dispute it?’” — TREVOR NOAH, on Trump’s refusal to dispute that he told Mike Pence he “could be a patriot or he could be a [expletive]” on the morning of Jan. 6“Well, we all know the word for someone who does exactly what their bully tells them to do: patriot.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know what I love about Trump is that even if he didn’t say it, he’s the type of guy that would pretend he said it just because it sounded cool. [imitating Trump] ‘Yeah, yeah, that’s a good line. I totally said it, I said it. Patriot or [expletive], I love it.’” — TREVOR NOAH“Also, I love how the reporter says, ‘Excuse my language; excuse my language, sir,’ as if Donald Trump is going to be offended. My man, it’s Donald Trump — if anything, he would be like, [imitating Trump] ‘[Expletive], my favorite topic. Thank you for bringing this up, let’s talk about it.” — TREVOR NOAH“Sometimes it’s good to be a [expletive]. Oftentimes history is made by [expletive]. I mean Gandhi? total [expletive]. Yes. Britain was, like, ‘Are you going to fight us or are you a [expletive]? And Gandhi said, ‘I am a [expletive]. You must be the [expletive] you wish to see in the world — that is what we need more of.’” — TREVOR NOAH“What if he tried to grab Mike Pence by the patriot?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Mike Pence now claims he has no problems at all with his former boss, so I guess Trump was right.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingBill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Ernie Hudson talked with Jimmy Fallon on Monday’s “Tonight Show” about reuniting for the newest movie in the “Ghostbusters” franchise.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe retired N.B.A. star Dwyane Wade will talk about his new memoir on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutIn “The Sex Lives of College Girls,” Alyah Chanelle Scott, Pauline Chalamet and Amrit Kaur play three suite mates from diverse backgrounds at a prestigious university.HBOMindy Kaling’s new HBO Max series, “The Sex Lives of College Girls,” treats undergraduate intimacy with the friendly skepticism it deserves. More

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    Prison Won’t Be a Riot for the QAnon Shaman, Jimmy Kimmel Says

    “Prosecutors are recommending 51 months behind bars, after which, he will be remanded into the custody of ‘Dancing With the Stars,’” Kimmel joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Dancing With the InsurrectionistOn Thursday night, Jimmy Kimmel joked that Jacob Chansley, “the infamous insurrectionist” known as the QAnon Shaman who took part in the Capitol attack on Jan. 6, “is probably not gonna be storming anything any time soon.”This week, prosecutors suggested that Chansley be sentenced to more than four years in prison for his role in the incursion, which would be the most severe punishment yet for a participant.“Prosecutors are recommending 51 months behind bars, after which he will be remanded into the custody of ‘Dancing With the Stars.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Weird to think the QAnon Shaman could get four years in prison when the guy who encouraged him to do it could get four more years in the White House.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And also, can we stop calling him a shaman now? I mean, that would make half the fans at the Buffalo Bills game shamans too.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I support a four-year prison sentence for any adult wearing a costume.” — JAMES CORDEN“They’re asking for three years for the riot, and an extra year because he used to be in an improv group.” — JAMES CORDEN“He may be going to prison for years. Even worse, they’re also making a movie about all of this: ‘The Shaman-Shank Redemption.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (Thank You for Your Service Edition)“It is Veterans Day here in the United States, the day on which we honor the men and women who served and fought in wars to defend our country so the rest of us can fight on Facebook.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The closest most of us have come to a war zone is shopping on Black Friday at T.J. Maxx.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yup, the only people who have seen more combat than you guys are flight attendants on Southwest.” — JIMMY FALLON“I remember telling my dad that I thought a life in uniform might be right for me, so he went out and got me a job application for Pizza Hut.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Daily Show” correspondent Desi Lydic put the spotlight on female veterans throughout “hist-HER-y.”Also, Check This OutJulia Child and a fridge friend in an archival image, as seen in the documentary “Julia,” directed by Julie Cohen and Betsy West. Paul Child/Schlesinger Library, Radcliffe Institute, Harvard University/Sony Pictures ClassicsA new documentary about Julia Child explores her influence on how Americans cook and eat. More

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    Jimmy Kimmel: Biden Is Steady but Slow, Like ‘Grandpa at the Wheel’

    “He’ll get us there, it’ll just happen very slowly with the blinker on the whole ride,” Kimmel joked of the president and his 38 percent approval rating.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.How Low Can He Go?A new poll found President Biden’s approval rating is at 38 percent.“That was before Congress passed the infrastructure bill, though,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Tuesday night. “And if anything can get the American people fired up, it’s infrastructure.”“We’re also not even a year into his presidency, Joe Biden. Don’t worry, he’s like Grandpa at the wheel. He’ll get us there, it’ll just happen very slowly with the blinker on the whole ride.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The poll did have one bit of good news for Biden: He’s not Kamala Harris.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Kamala Harris has an approval rating of 28 percent, which is — makes no sense, because she basically has nothing to do. I mean, it’s like criticizing a backup quarterback: ‘Tom Brady is OK — I don’t love the way Blaine Gabbert has his legs folded on the bench.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Kamala’s approval rating of 28 percent is even lower than the 30 percent who approved of Dick Cheney in 2008 after he shot a guy in the face.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“[imitating Joe Biden] Thirty-eight percent ain’t so bad, Jack. Why, I remember when 38 was the highest percent that existed. Then ol’ Patty Numberton came out and said, ‘Hey, fellas, what about 39?’ We all said, ‘That’s the greatest idea since sliced bread.’ Then we all went, ‘Yeah, why don’t we start slicin’ bread? I’m tired of choking on a loaf! No, I’m serious, folks.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“There’s only one president in the history of polling whose approval rating was worse than Biden’s at this point. You want to guess which president it was? I’ll give you a hint — his name rhymes with ‘garbage dump.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Responsible Parties Edition)“The congressional committee investigating the Capitol riot issued subpoenas today for 10 of Donald Corleone’s associates.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The big headline is that the Jan. 6 committee has issued six subpoenas to the ex-president’s top campaign associates, a collection of powerful dumb-dumbs who helped orchestrate the last-ditch efforts to steal the election, a high-stakes, low-I.Q. heist on democracy, starring pardoned criminal Michael Flynn, a.k.a. General Grumpypants. Pardoned criminal Bernie Kerik: the Scalp. Disgraced lawyer John Eastman: the Accessorizer. Campaign manager Bill Stepien: Bland Master Flash. Executive assistant Angela McCallum: the Spare Tiffany. And senior campaign adviser Jason Miller as the Honey Trap. — STEPHEN COLBERT“In the days leading up to Jan. 6, these Traitor Joes were plotting how to throw out election results, huddled together in a set of rooms and suites in the posh Willard Hotel in downtown D.C. Their room bar tab must’ve been huge. It’s, like, 20 bucks a pop for those mini Molotov cocktails.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, just to be clear, a subpoena doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong — although in this case, it absolutely means you did something wrong.” — JAMES CORDEN“We’re so close to figuring out who’s responsible for this. What a mystery.” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingStephen Colbert auditioned Paul Rudd for People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightWill Ferrell returns to “The Tonight Show” on Wednesday night.Also, Check This OutObservations of how people interact when they think no one is watching recur in Courtney Barnett’s songs.OK McCausland for The New York TimesCourtney Barnett’s third album is a study of both the simple certainties of life and the big thing that comes after. More

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    Jimmy Kimmel: ‘Aaron Is a Karen’

    As Covid sidelined the Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, Kimmel and other hosts scorned him for implying that he’d been vaccinated.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Rodger ThatThe Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers tested positive for Covid this week, which means he’ll sit out Sunday’s game against the Kansas City Chiefs (or as Stephen Colbert put it, “the next five State Farm commercials”).“He’ll be watching it from ‘Mahome.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL, referencing Chiefs quarterback Patrick MahomesLate-night hosts found it egregious that Rodgers had vaguely referred to himself as “immunized,” leading some to believe he’d been vaccinated. Instead, according to a report, he received homeopathic treatment.“I’m no expert, but I’m guessing it’s a lot easier to just play football with a shot in your arm than a jade egg stuck where the sun don’t shine. Then again, they are called the Packers.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s not the only confusing statement that he’s made about his vaccine status. For example, in one press conference he said, ‘I’d like to think of myself as vaccine-adjacent.’ In another press conference he said, “In a spiritual sense, are any of us truly vaccinated?’ And finally, he cleared things up by saying, ‘I didn’t not, not, not not, not get the shot. Not.’” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s really vague. He better not talk that way in the huddle.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Honestly, the only thing worse than not getting vaccinated when you’re in close contact with other people is letting them think you’re vaccinated when you’re not. It’s basically the Covid equivalent of ‘The condom fell off.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Aaron is a Karen, that’s the fact of the matter.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (More Shots Edition)“The Biden administration today ordered U.S. companies with 100 or more employees to have their workers fully vaccinated or regularly tested for the coronavirus by Jan. 4. All right, you heard the man, Arcade Fire.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s great timing — make sure everyone is vaccinated right after the holidays.” — JIMMY FALLON“Team Biden today announced that more than 100 million American workers are required to be fully vaccinated by Jan. 4. And if I know my fellow American workers, everyone’s going to be super chill about that.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Because I guess Jan. 1 — just way too obvious.” — JAMES CORDEN“What’s the thinking here? ‘Nobody expects this policy to start on a random Tuesday, let’s do that!’” — JAMES CORDEN“Like the drunkest friend at a bachelor party, Joe Biden’s going to make sure everyone gets shots.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingOn “The Tonight Show,” Ariana Grande got to see Jimmy Fallon play a clip of her singing the national anthem at eight years old.Also, Check This OutMeryl Streep as President Orlean, a commander in chief very focused on her approval ratings, in “Don’t Look Up.”Niko Tavernise/Netflix Finally, a world in which Meryl Streep is president — in Adam McKay’s apocalyptic satire “Don’t Look Up.” More

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    Late Night Recaps Democrats’ Stinging Election Results

    Stephen Colbert said Democrats are used to being disappointed: “That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Pity PartyRepublicans won elections in several key states on Tuesday, including Virginia, where Glenn Youngkin won the race for governor.“So, it was a disappointing night for Democrats, but Democrats are used to being disappointed,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday night. “That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.”“Some of you may be upset by the results, but don’t panic — save your panic for climate change.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But the bigger loss was in Virginia, or as it’s known by its full name ‘East West Virginia.’ Because Virginia has been becoming more and more Democratic for years now. They voted for the first Black president and the first blackface governor.” — TREVOR NOAH“Republicans figured out that they could use a twin strategy of keeping Trump’s MAGA base motivated by using the right-wing propaganda network to feed the red meat on the one hand, while also running a candidate who looks like the dentist who gives you the gas for a cleaning.”— SETH MEYERS“And what is especially shocking about this result is that Joe Biden won Virginia by 10 points just a year ago. That is a huge swing, people. That’s like a Kim Kardashian going from Kanye to Pete Davidson-level swing.” — TREVOR NOAH“Here’s the thing — and maybe I’m alone — but I’m not that upset. I’ve already endured the worst election in American history, live on TV, sitting over there, drinking a cocktail of bourbon and my own tears. This one just seems like another election: ‘Oh no, Terry McAuliffe didn’t win? Will the republic survive our post-Terry future?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yep, Republicans haven’t been this excited since they realized that you can print fake vaccine cards off of Google Images.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Kennedys Resurrected? Edition)“I mentioned last night they had this QAnon event in Dallas. The illiterati gathered by the hundreds because they believed J.F.K. Jr. and J.F.K. Sr. were going to re-emerge and reinstall Donald Trump to power, because obviously the Kennedys would be big Trump fans.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, J.F.K. Jr. died tragically 22 years ago, so at this point, any announcement from him would be pretty big.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, some of these folks also believe J.F.K. Jr. will be seeking office soon, based on their T-shirts suggesting J.F.K. Jr. would be the former president’s running mate in 2024. Makes sense: Kennedy died over 20 years ago, but he’s still more lifelike than Mike Pence.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Shockingly, J.F.K. Jr. did not show up in Dallas yesterday afternoon, due to his chronic case of ‘not alive.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But the QAnon crowd didn’t lose hope, because rumors began to circulate that J.F.K. Jr. would instead appear at a concert by the Rolling Stones that evening. Guys, come on. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you just might find you get what you need. Which is medication.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So, the concert happened, and J.F.K. Jr. was a no-show. Some QAnon believers walked away with a new theory about his father: that Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is, in fact, President John F. Kennedy. OK, that is crazy. President Kennedy would be 104 years old, and Keith Richards is clearly way older than that.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Who should be more insulted — Keith Richards by people who thought he was a 104-year-old J.F.K., or J.F.K. for them thinking he was a 77-year-old Keith Richards. I don’t know.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s crazy that people actually believed this. I mean, if you’re gonna believe that a band is the dead Kennedys in disguise, wouldn’t you assume that band was the Dead Kennedys?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee dug into the latest on the Supreme Court’s abortion rights cases during Wednesday’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightSerena Williams will talk about the new film “King Richard” on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutZazie Beetz, left, with Jonathan Majors in “The Harder They Fall.”David Lee/Netflix“The Harder They Fall” on Netflix is a bloody new Western about Black gunslingers, chanteuses, saloonkeepers and train robbers. More

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    Jimmy Fallon: Biden Can Cut Emissions Just as He Did His Ratings

    “I mean, he cut his approval rating in half in three months,” Fallon joked on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Save the Amazon From Amazon’President Biden addressed world leaders at the U.N. Climate Conference on Tuesday, reiterating his commitment to cut carbon emissions in half by 2030.“And he can do it,” Jimmy Fallon said. “I mean, he cut his approval rating in half in three months.”“Well, good news, over 100 countries have agreed to stop deforestation by 2030. In other words — in other words, they agreed to stop giving the Brazilian Rainforest a Brazilian.” — JIMMY FALLON“Basically, they made a deal to save the Amazon from Amazon at this conference.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yesterday, more than 100 world leaders pledged to halt deforestation by 2030. Of course, to do that, they’ll need a detailed plan — that they’ll need to print out on thousands upon thousands of pieces of paper.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Biden announced yesterday that more than 70 countries would join the U.S. in a pledge to reduce global methane emissions by 30 percent by the end of the decade. Yeah, but not Russia or China, right? That’s like saying: ‘Hey, great news — I got the whole neighborhood to agree to stop murdering, except for Hacksaw Dave and Larry the Strangler. Sleep tight, everybody!’” — SETH MEYERS“Biden ended his big speech by saying, ‘God bless you all and may God save the planet.’ And God was like, ‘Uh, this is definitely a you-broke-it, you-bought-it situation.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Space Jam Edition)“Apparently, there are issues with the toilet on the SpaceX capsule. So four astronauts are going to have to use backup undergarments during their trip home. Astronauts were, like: ‘You know, not sure we needed to make that public. We’re doing tons of other stuff up here.’” — JIMMY FALLON“OK, but be careful which undergarments you choose, because it is very hard to poop in a bra.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know, it’s pretty humbling that no matter what technological advances we come up with, we’ve still got to deal with our poop.” — TREVOR NOAH“What is so embarrassing about diapers? I honestly think that diapers are underrated. Like, if diapers didn’t already exist and someone introduced them now as a hot new technology in 2021, be honest, people would be excited about them: ‘Guys, what if I told you you never had to worry about finding a bathroom ever again, because you would always be carrying one with you?’” — TREVOR NOAH“Meanwhile, I saw that NASA astronauts used the first peppers grown in space to make tacos on the International Space Station. I guess they figured, ‘Well, toilet’s broken — Taco Tuesday, anyone?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Anyone thinking here? Next they’re going to have a prune-eating contest.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingTom Hanks paid tribute to the late Peter Scolari, his “Bosom Buddies” co-star, while on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightKristen Stewart will talk about her latest role as Princess Diana on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutIan Shaw, the son of the “Jaws” star Robert Shaw, co-wrote the show “The Shark Is Broken” and plays his father.Lauren Fleishman for The New York TimesA new play details the real-life drama that unfolded on the set of the movie “Jaws,” malfunctioning sharks and all. More