Colbert pointed out that the conflict “has been going on so long, the first ‘Iron Man’ movie opens with Tony Stark in Afghanistan.”
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
Twenty Years Later
President Biden announced on Wednesday that American troops will leave Afghanistan by Sept. 11 after nearly 20 years of war.
“When he was V.P., Joe was ‘the most senior dissenting voice against a surge in Afghanistan back in 2008 and 2009,’” Stephen Colbert said, quoting from a news report. “This war’s been going on so long, Biden’s been trying to get the troops out since he was just ‘regular’ old. Now he’s ‘Mountain Dew Baja Blast Extreme’ old.”
“The cost: A tragic loss of human life and a duffel bag of your cash they called ‘ghost money.’ Because spending $2 trillion with no clear definition of victory is pretty spooky.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Biden is getting criticism from people who say if America leaves Afghanistan then it will become a failed state, and that is a real danger. But on the other hand, America has been there for 20 years — is it supposed to stay there forever? Because if that is going to be the case, then I mean, America should at least make Afghanistan a U.S. state. And the good news with that is it would eliminate Afghanistan’s terrorism problem completely, because we all know that once terrorists are American, they’re not terrorists anymore — they are just frustrated citizens who are having a bad day.” — TREVOR NOAH
“During his remarks, Biden announced that withdrawal would begin on May 1. When the troops get home, they’re gonna be like, ‘Why are all the bars closed?’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Despite the fact that 2,400 service members gave their lives, the ongoing war in Afghanistan received not even a mention at the presidential debates. Oh, but how can you expect a ground war in Asia to compete with the urgent threat of windmill cancer?” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (No Endgame Edition)
“President Biden said today he will withdraw all U.S. troops from Afghanistan by September 11 during a speech in the White House Treaty Room, which is where former President George W. Bush announced the start of the war. In fact, all the decorations were still up.” — SETH MEYERS
“The war in Afghanistan has been going on for almost 20 years. To put that another way, this war is too old to date Matt Gaetz.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Twenty years is a long time. Those are 17th-century European numbers. That’s the kind of war you fight because the Spanish contessa rejected your proposal to unite the kingdoms and eloped with the Duke of Saxony.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“The war in Afghanistan may finally be over, and people, it’s about time. It’s been what, 19 years? No war should ever be old enough to serve in itself.” — TREVOR NOAH
“It’s been going on so long, the first ‘Iron Man’ movie opens with Tony Stark in Afghanistan. This conflict’s older than the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It’s an ‘Infinity War’ with no ‘Endgame.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
Samantha Bee opened Wednesday’s “Full Frontal” by tracking anti-Asian racism throughout American history.
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
Anderson Cooper will appear on “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” where he is likely to discuss his upcoming gig as guest host of “Jeopardy!”
Also, Check This Out
Celebrities who gave product endorsements used to be accused of “selling out.” Now they’re hailed as savvy investors and giving the performances of their careers.
Source: Television - nytimes.com
