“He says the F.B.I. planted fake evidence to frame him, and now he wants them to return the fake evidence,” Nice said. “Even O.J. is like, ‘Yo, bro, you wildin.’”
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
Not-So-Safe Keeping
Desus Nice, the former co-host of Showtime’s “Desus & Mero” guest hosted “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Monday, where the topic was the F.B.I.’s search of former President Donald Trump’s Florida estate, Mar-a-Lago.
“He’s like a racist Jason Bourne, but more orange,” Nice said of Trump.
“Trump says the documents the F.B.I. took from Mar-a-Lago are covered by his white privilege — wait, excuse me, I mean his executive privilege.” — DESUS NICE
“They also confiscated 8,000 McRibs, nine Melania clones, one never-been-used Peloton, two tons of industrial-grade ranch dressing, ‘Girls Gone Wild’ volumes 8 through 19 — ay, yo! — Lindsey Graham’s testicles.” — DESUS NICE
“Let me just break down Trump’s defense: He says the F.B.I. planted fake evidence to frame him, and now he wants them to return the fake evidence. Even O.J. is like, ‘Yo, bro, you wildin.’” — DESUS NICE
“Here’s the thing Donald Trump doesn’t understand: He doesn’t own those documents. They belong to his former employer, the United States government. See, that’s not how jobs work. When you get fired from an office, you don’t get to take the Xerox machine home with you. When I got fired from Showtime, they didn’t let me bring home the cast of ‘Shameless.’” — DESUS NICE
“And people are saying, ‘What’s the big deal about a president keeping classified documents at his house?’ Because his house is a golf resort! It has a seafood buffet on Wednesday nights. Come on. This is like if Obama left the nuclear codes at Red Lobster.” — DESUS NICE
The Punchiest Punchlines (Top Secret Edition)
“Over the weekend, we found out that the F.B.I. seized 11 sets of classified documents from Trump’s home, including four sets that were marked ‘Top Secret.’ You know Trump just kept those hoping to come across KFC’s secret blend.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Also, just a thought, but if the government doesn’t want people reading those files, maybe they shouldn’t label them ‘Top Secret.’ It’s like a guy labeling a porn folder on his computer, ‘Best Porn.’ Call it banana bread recipe. No one will open it.” — JIMMY FALLON
“The government should do what we do: Just put secrets in a folder called ‘Taxes 2012-2017.’ Yeah, I have done that my whole life. The only screwup was, I did this when I was 12 years old, and then my mother was like, ‘What taxes are you paying when you’re 12?’ And then she busted me for porn and tax evasion.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Bits Worth Watching
The singer-songwriter Em Beihold made her television debut on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
Sterling K. Brown will appear on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”
Also, Check This Out
Christopher Walken and John Turturro drew on their years of friendship for their Emmy-nominated roles in “Severance.”
Source: Television - nytimes.com
