Colbert said his jurisdiction extended into the northern half of Times Square, and that he was “banning Kanye from coming north of Bubba Gump Shrimp.”
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Ye Takes Another ‘L’
Stephen Colbert made a big announcement on Thursday night.
“After much thought and soul-searching, I, Stephen Colbert, am banning Kanye West from the Ed Sullivan Theater,” Colbert said. “In fact, as host of ‘The Late Show’ my jurisdiction extends into the northern half of Times Square, and I am banning Kanye from coming north of Bubba Gump Shrimp.”
“And I just want to take a moment here and just point out that this — this next part is the courageous part — I’m ending all of our high-profile collabs, including, but not restricted to, our collection of spreadable jams, Strawbeezy Jelleezy. And I have decided not to release our duets album, ‘Ye and Phen Sing ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“I know this has been too long in coming. I have no excuses for why I didn’t do this before, except that he has never been on the show, had no plans to be on the show, we have never asked him to be on the show, and I’m not sure he’s aware that I have a show.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“But I had to do it now, because I was afraid he would just show up at any moment, because that’s what he did yesterday. The shoe company Skechers says it had to escort Kanye West from its offices after an unannounced visit. In five years, the idea of an unannounced visit from Kanye has gone from amazing to ‘Sir, you need to leave this Skechers.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Unlike with Adidas, Kanye never had a deal with Skechers. Apparently, Kanye is so desperate, he’s just driving around and searching Google Maps for ‘shoes near me.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Sinking In Edition)
“Speaking of ‘Stranger Things,’ Elon Musk is in the news. Elon Musk is close to buying Twitter, and, yesterday, he walked into their headquarters carrying a sink just so that he could tweet — this is real— ‘Entering Twitter HQ. Let that sink in.’ That pun cost him $44 billion.” — JIMMY FALLON
“I know a lot of people think that was corny, but I think once you have 87 children, you are allowed to make dad jokes.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Just when you thought Kanye made the most bizarre entrance, Elon was like, ‘Hold my sink.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Where did he get the sink? Is it just the one he ripped out of the wall when the judge told him that he had to buy Twitter?” — TREVOR NOAH
“If anything, Elon is the right billionaire to make this joke, you know? Because if Jeff Bezos walked into Amazon with a sink, his employees would be like, ‘Oh wow, we’re finally getting a restroom?’” — TREVOR NOAH
“I’m looking forward to Twitter on his first bad day as C.E.O.: ‘Our stock is in the toilet!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
Ronny Chieng makes the case that Halloween is awful in a new segment of “Prove Me Wrong” on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”
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Source: Television - nytimes.com
