Late Night Observes ‘Debate Night Eve’

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The Night Before

Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump will meet for their only scheduled debate on Tuesday night.

On Monday, Jimmy Kimmel predicted the candidates will field questions “on all the big issues: the economy, immigration, electrocution, sharks — everything we care about.”

“It’s Debate Night Eve, so don’t forget to put out some milk and cookies for Santa and then give him two minutes for a rebuttal.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Of course, both candidates are very busy with last-minute preparations. Right now, Trump is trying to decide which shade of bronzer: jack-o’-lantern orange or burned corn on the cob?” — JIMMY FALLON

“How could you possibly prepare to debate Donald Trump? This is a man who, if he doesn’t like the direction a hurricane is going, just draws a new hurricane on the map — you can’t debate that.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Trump, of course, is claiming that the debate is rigged against him, even though it hasn’t happened yet. Over the weekend, he announced that no boxes or artificial lifts will be allowed for Kamala — who is 5-foot-4 — to stand on because he says, ‘It would be a form of cheating, and the Democrats cheat enough.’ That’s right. You know, cheating is only allowed when it comes to wives, taxes and every round of golf that he’s ever played.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“There’s a lot riding on this. If Kamala doesn’t do well, you know, come January, our national bird might be the Kentucky Fried Chicken.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

‘An Honor Just to be Nominated’

An article in Rolling Stone said that while Trump was president, he tried to persuade Justice Department officials to use campaign finance laws and equal-time broadcast regulations to rule that anti-Trump jokes on late-night shows were illegal. Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel were among those on Trump’s list of targets.

“Finally, I made an enemies list!” Colbert said. “I mean, obviously, there’s no guarantee I’ll be arrested, but it’s an honor just to be nominated.”

“I’m now imagining me and all the other late-night hosts in prison together like the mobsters in ‘Goodfellas.’ I’m stirring the sauce, Colbert’s slicing the garlic with a razor blade.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“No doubt it’ll all be decided this weekend in Los Angeles — whoever wins the Emmy for best talk show will be sent to a camp: ‘And the gulag goes to …’ So, to my old colleague Jon Stewart, I just want you to know, I voted for you.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“How would this work for Jon Stewart? Would he only go to jail on Mondays?” — JIMMY KIMMEL

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