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    Desi Lydic Wants Trump to Leave the Troops Alone

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    Hosts ripped into his comment during a speech to troops about former President Joe Biden never having been “the sharpest bulb.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Two Tacos Short of a Happy Meal’President Donald Trump visited soldiers at Fort Bragg on Tuesday, where he delivered a speech to “his favorite men in uniform who aren’t in the Village People,” Desi Lydic said on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”“Oh, my God, give these troops a break already! They have to sit through your show, they have to invade Los Angeles, and now they have to parade for you?” — DESI LYDICDuring his speech, Trump attempted to criticize former President Joe Biden’s intelligence, saying, “He’s never been the sharpest bulb.”“He was there to commemorate the 250th anniversary of the army, so, of course, he ended up discussing Joe Biden.” — DESI LYDIC“What a wordsmith. See, see, most people would’ve gone with ‘brightest bulb,’ or ‘sharpest tool,’ but Donald Trump took half of both and smushed them together. That is what makes him the cream of the litter.” — DESI LYDIC“But that’s Trump — he’s not the brightest knife in the drawer. Some say he’s two tacos short of a Happy Meal.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He wasn’t the sharpest bulb, no. He wasn’t the brightest knife in the drawer.” — JIMMY FALLON“When Trump’s staff told him that he misquoted the idiom, he was, like, ‘Hey, who are you calling an idiom?’” — JIMMY FALLON‘Nothing $300 Million Couldn’t Fix’Elon Musk addressed last week’s tweets concerning President Trump on Wednesday, posting on X: “I regret some of my posts about President @realdonaldtrump last week. They went too far.”Jimmy Fallon said he was shocked: “I didn’t know Elon was programmed to feel human emotion.”“Yeah, apparently, Trump and Elon spoke over the phone on Monday night. Trump was very gracious. He was, like, ‘This is nothing another $300 million donation couldn’t fix.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Which ones went too far? Was it the one where you called for him to be impeached and replaced by JD Vance? Was it the one where you said his big, beautiful bill was a disgusting abomination? Was it the one that said he wouldn’t have won the election without you buying it for him? Or the one where you insinuated he is a pedophile on the Epstein list? I really would like to know.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Calls Trump an ‘Arsonist With a Hose’

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      The L.A.-based host said the city’s problem was the president, not the protests: “We have more so-called ‘unrest’ here when one of our teams wins a championship.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Fake NewsOn Wednesday, Jimmy Kimmel, who’s based in Los Angeles, mocked the idea that protests against immigration raids have turned the city into “some kind of totalitarian hellscape” — a notion pushed by President Trump (and some cable news outlets) as he sent in Marines and the National Guard.“He wants there to be a war going on here, and he doesn’t care who gets hurt in it. There’s no riot outside. We have more so-called ‘unrest’ here when one of our teams wins a championship.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Not only is it not an apocalypse, they’re having a Disney Pixar movie premiere right now, for ‘Elio,’ a movie about aliens. Don’t tell Trump, he’ll send the Green Berets in, too.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know, when we had the wildfires that devastated big chunks of our city, he did absolutely nothing. Now that we’re in the middle of a nonemergency: ‘Send in the National Guard!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Putting out a fire you purposely start doesn’t make you a firefighter, it makes you an arsonist with a hose.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yes, nothing calms down a situation like a military invasion.” — DESI LYDIC“You know, I’m beginning to wonder if Trump is intentionally trying to escalate this situation because more chaos allows him to portray blue states as centers of crime, while positioning himself as the strongman that the country needs to rally around. No, that’s silly. I’m sure he’s just doing what’s best for everyone.” — DESI LYDIC“Now, as we speak, Trump has sent thousands of troops into downtown L.A. to quell what historians will remember as the Battle of That Video of a Burning Waymo Car They Kept Showing on Cable News.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And to those of you in the National Guard who have been thrust into this: When Donald Trump orders you to do something that you know is immoral, try to get your dad’s podiatrist to write a note to say you have bone spurs.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The president of the United States has been tougher on L.A. than on Russia. Remember that two-week deadline he gave Putin to sit down for peace talks with Ukraine? As of tomorrow, it’s two weeks. But, by all means, send the Marines to The Grove.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump’s terrible policy has generated a huge backlash, which he’s responded to by overreacting, which is going to generate another backlash. We don’t know how this is going to end, but at least we know it’ll be a huge waste of money.” — DESI LYDIC“I just want to say, thank God for President Trump and the heroes at ICE for protecting us from these bloodthirsty fruit stand vendors, spreading their dangerous pineapple chunks and mangos with a squirt of lime all over the city.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Meanwhile on Fox News Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Stephen Colbert Wonders if Elon Musk’s Ketamine Has Worn Off

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      It’s the only explanation the “Late Show” host can think of for the tech mogul’s apparent disenchantment with the Trump administration.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘I Have How Many Children?’The hosts got more monologue material on Wednesday from the presumed tensions between President Trump and Elon Musk, after the tech mogul and recently departed D.O.G.E. chief criticized Trump’s policy bill.“Apparently, the ketamine has worn off,” Stephen Colbert said.“That’s got to be a hell of a hangover. ‘[imitating Musk] Oh, my god. I spent $300 million to elect who? I have how many children? That can’t be their names.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I’m starting to worry that two narcissistic megalomaniacs with a total inability to see value in other humans might have a hard time making friends.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Musk was reportedly ‘butthurt’ — and yes, they did use that word, it is a quote — about some of the stuff that’s in the bill. Usually when Elon’s butt hurts, it’s because of all the drugs he is trying to smuggle through White House security.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I keep waiting to see Musk on a one-way SpaceX to El Salvador.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“‘I hear he is furious’ is the safest bet anyone could make when describing Donald Trump’s reaction to criticism. Let me know when someone says, ‘Insiders reporting that Donald Trump looking inward; reflecting on what role he may have played in turning his friend against him.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Fine Print Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Hopes Trump and Musk Can Patch Things Up

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      “Oh, no, not my two favorite people fighting!” said the “Daily Show” host Michael Kosta. “Don’t make me choose who I love more.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Big, Beautiful and DisgustingOn Tuesday, Elon Musk expressed his displeasure on X over President Trump’s “big, beautiful” domestic policy bill, calling it a “disgusting abomination” and shaming House members who’d voted for it. On “The Daily Show,” Michael Kosta said it was sad that “two men who previously had never had a friend” were seeing their relationship get “D.O.G.E.’d.”“Oh, no, not my two favorite people fighting! Don’t make me choose who I love more.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“I’m not sure who to root for. It’s like Diddy versus R. Kelly.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But, yes, Elon is worried that Trump’s bill will raise the deficit too high. And when Elon is worried about something getting too high, you know it’s too high.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Boy, when he’s off the ketamine, he is a lot less fun.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And he may be right, but Elon has to be careful. You come out that hard against Trump’s central legislative achievement, and you’re going to be the first white person to get deported.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Shame on those who voted for it? Who bankrolled these people that voted for it? I want the name of whoever bankrolled — oh, wait, it’s his name.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Just days after leaving his official role at the White House, Elon Musk is now blasting President Trump’s ‘big, beautiful bill’ as a ‘disgusting abomination.’ And that’s coming from the guy who made the Cybertruck.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, Elon called it ‘massive,’ ‘outrageous’ and ‘pork-filled.’ And Trump was, like, ‘[imitating Trump] I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’ll take two.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (New Portrait, Who Dis? Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Is Concerned About (the Truth Behind) Biden’s Health

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      “They used to say it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up, but it’s starting to feel like politics is all cover-up,” Jon Stewart said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Our Sympathies, but …The news that former President Joseph R. Biden Jr. had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer naturally spurred late-night discussion on Monday.On “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart mocked those professing sympathy for Biden while at the same time using his condition to score political points. “They used to say it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up, but it’s starting to feel like politics is all cover-up,” Stewart said.“Don’t news people have to tell you what they know when they find it out? Isn’t that the difference between news and a secret?” — JON STEWART“That’s what’s so hilarious about politicians: The cover-up doesn’t work when everyone knows you’re lying.” — JON STEWART“The tell is when you’re so over-the-top about what you don’t want to tell the truth about.” — JON STEWART“It’s clear Biden wasn’t running the country. Hell, he couldn’t have run a dishwasher, and they knew that.” — GREG GUTFELDThe Punchiest Punchlines (Games We Play Edition)“‘The American.’ Do you know what that is? It’s the idea of [Homeland Security Secretary] Kristi Noem to have a new reality show where immigrants compete against each other to win American citizenship. She said, ‘It’s not like “The Hunger Games,” even though it sounds exactly like ‘The Hunger Games.’” — BILL MAHER“Anyone who thought about it for six seconds would say, ‘Oh, wait, no — this is “The Hunger Games.”’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I know that sounds dystopian, but, to be fair, that’s how citizenship has always worked. In fact, my great-grandfather actually won the first season of ‘So You Think You Can Dig the Erie Canal.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Knicks eliminated the Boston Celtics to advance to the next round, and after the game, things got crazy. Rowdy Knicks fans went down to Penn Station and caused $3 million worth of improvements.” — JIMMY FALLON“SAG-AFTRA filed an unfair-labor charge against Fortnite, after the game revealed an A.I. Darth Vader that can talk back to players. Great idea, Fortnite, let gamers make Darth Vader say stuff. Because if there’s one thing I know about gamers, they are super polite and respectful.” — TAYLOR TOMLINSONThe Bits Worth WatchingJohn Oliver dissected the ways in which President Trump shapes coverage of his presidency, including using lawsuits and the F.C.C. as leverage, on Sunday’s “Last Week Tonight.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightAmid conspiracy theories circling about his photo of seashells appearing to be a threat against the president, the former F.B.I director James Comey will surely set the record straight on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.”Also, Check This OutWith Sarah Sherman, left, Ariana Grande, Marcello Hernández, Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim, “Saturday Night Live” generated an unlikely viral hit in October with a sketch about a seducer named Domingo. Will Heath/NBCNow that the 50th season of “Saturday Night Live” is at an end, here are its most memorable moments, from political satire to straight-up silliness. Domingo! More

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      Stephen Colbert on the President’s Trumped-Up Birthday Plans

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      A military parade marking the anniversary of the Army’s founding will be held on the president’s birthday. “He wants overwhelming force,” Stephen Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Never Have I EverPresident Trump will soon return from his Middle East trip, and he already has big plans for June — specifically, the 14th.On Thursday, Stephen Colbert remarked that Trump might be leaving “his autocratic buddies behind, but he’s going to bring a taste of dictatorship back home when he does, ’cause he’s throwing a military parade on his birthday, featuring 6,600 soldiers, 150 vehicles and 50 helicopters.”“He wants overwhelming force, because this is more important than D-Day: It is his B-Day.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It also happens to be the 250th anniversary of the founding of the U.S. Army, so to honor the troops, soldiers will be housed in a former government warehouse, where they will receive one hot meal a day and have been told, ‘Bring your sleeping bags.’ [imitating Trump] ‘It’s my birthday slumber party! OK, fellas, let’s play Never Have I Ever. I’ll start. Never have I ever served in the military.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And before you ask, yes, there will be costumes. Service members will be wearing period uniforms from the Revolutionary War to the present. Yes. It’ll be June in one of the most humid cities in America, and they’ll be dressing them in wool pants.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Wrong Man for the Job Edition)“When asked yesterday if he would vaccinate his own children against the measles today, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said ‘Probably’ and then added, ‘I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from me.’ Yeah, not what you want to hear from the Secretary of Health and Human Services. That’s like if your pilot got on the P.A. and said, ‘We’re about to hit turbulence and I’d love some suggestions!’” — SETH MEYERS“Well, guys, R.F.K. Jr. just testified before Congress, and he said, ‘I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from me.’ It’s ironic, because it’s actually some great medical advice.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Seth Meyers Thinks Trump Shouldn’t Be So Set on That Jet

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      “We are, as of this taping, still a democracy with a rule of law,” Meyers said. “The president shouldn’t have a flying gold-plated party palace.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Size QueenPresident Donald Trump defended his choice to accept a jet from Qatar, saying that America should have the biggest, most impressive plane out of all the countries.“No, we shouldn’t,” Seth Meyers argued on Wednesday. “We are, as of this taping, still a democracy with a rule of law. The president shouldn’t have a flying gold-plated party palace.”“Stuff like that is a sign of corruption. That’s why Las Vegas looks like that — it was built by criminals.” — SETH MEYERS“The point is, they have nicer planes because they’re not democracies; they’re royal kingdoms, where they oppress people and use the public’s money to build opulent palaces for their rulers. We don’t do that here. If you ask me, the president should be forced to fly the same way the rest of us do. He should have to sit at Newark for six hours nursing a $30 Bloody Mary, and chewing on a pretzel while he waits for the one on-duty air traffic controller’s hands to stop shaking.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump should have a big plane because Trump definitely does not have a little plane. It’s definitely at least an average American male plane.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Plus, I will tell you what, a lot of countries say that a smaller plane is actually more comfortable for longer rides.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“We still talking about planes? Look where we are on the tarmac next to each other. I know you’re not supposed to just look straight ahead, but I took a little peek over there, a little peek over there. Cockpit was huge, man!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I’m sorry, why does the president need any of this? Air Force One is supposed to be technologically advanced, not luxurious. It’s designed so the president can get national security briefings anywhere in the world, not so he can chill on leather couches and use nine different bathrooms — which, by the way, he might need to do on the way home based on the fact that the Saudis set up a custom-built mobile McDonald’s in anticipation of Trump’s visit.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Humps for Trump Edition)“When Trump landed in Qatar, he was escorted by a fleet of Cybertrucks, Arabian horses and camels. And even the horses and camels were laughing at the Cybertruck.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, Trump was welcomed by horses and camels. He was like, ‘I love the horses and the sexier horses.’” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night is Happy President Trump Has Left the Country

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      Jordan Klepper suggested that someone lock the doors while President Trump is in the Middle East this week.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Lock Him Out!President Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia on Tuesday for the first stop of a four-day Middle East trip.Stephen Colbert celebrated, saying, “Yes, Donald Trump left the country today, so I got another birthday wish.” On “The Daily Show,” Jordan Klepper suggested that “someone lock the [expletive] doors.”“He landed in Riyadh this morning, where he got a lavish welcome, greeted by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman on a sumptuous carpet, purple, made out of hand-harvested journalist nurple.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know Trump’s looking at the carpet, going, ‘These things fly here, right?’” — JORDAN KLEPPER“The crown prince pulled out all the stops to make Trump feel at home, even providing an actual mobile McDonald’s semi truck. This is true. Yes. Of course, one of the most rewarding things about traveling the globe is getting the chance to sample the local nugget truck.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You got to hand it to the Saudis, though, they know the fastest way to Trump’s heart is through his stomach, out the colon, with a little bit staying behind in his arteries.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Regardless, you know what? It was a very nice start to this trip abroad, where he’ll visit not just Saudi Arabia, but then Qatar and the U.A.E. But you might be wondering, why did Trump pick these countries for his first foreign trip? Well, there’s a strong geopolitical balance of — I’m [expletive] with you. Corruption!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“The Trump boys have projects in all three countries. I never thought I’d say this, but can’t these countries go back to doing something more constructive, like funding terrorism?” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Punchiest Punchlines (From Shady to Sus Edition)“President Trump tonight attended a Saudi state dinner. OK, well, just so you know, it’s going to be a lot of stuff you’ve never tried, like kabsa and mandi and forks.” — SETH MEYERS“Well, guys, today, President Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia for the first leg of his trip to the Middle East. Yeah, it was a big day. Saudi Arabia’s crown prince met with America’s Burger King.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Colbert Thinks the Nickname ‘Lady Giuliani’ Suits Jeanine Pirro

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      Colbert said President Trump’s latest appointment from the Fox News roster “drank a whole bottle of champagne, and then someone told her the news.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Lady Giuliani’Last Thursday, President Trump said he had chosen the Fox News personality Jeanine Pirro as the interim U.S. attorney for Washington, D.C.Stephen Colbert told his viewers on Monday that they might recognize Pirro from “Judge Jeanine,” where she “promoted voter-fraud claims, compared Jan. 6 rioters to Revolutionary War soldiers, and got pulled briefly from the network after making Islamophobic comments.”“She was later reinstated after Fox realized they didn’t care.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And I’m sure she’s excited. I heard on Friday night, she drank a whole bottle of champagne, and then someone told her the news.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Trump last week named Fox News host Jeanine Pirro as the interim U.S. attorney for Washington, D.C. Well, she is always up for a case.” — SETH MEYERS“Pirro has also come under fire for pleading guilty for speeding after driving 119 miles per hour in a 65 zone and was forced to deny accusations of being drunk on air. It’s not great when Washington’s top attorney can best be described as ‘Lady Giuliani.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Trump announced the news on Truth Social, saying, ‘Pirro is considered one of the top district attorneys in the history of the state of New York. She is in a class by herself.’ That class? Court-mandated traffic school.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Pirro is the 23rd current or former Fox News employee hired by the Trump White House. If you work at Fox News right now and you haven’t been offered a job by this administration, you must be thinking, ‘Does he, like, hate me?’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Thieving on a Jet Plane Edition)“The White House said that the royal family of Qatar is giving President Trump a $400 million luxury jet that he will use as Air Force One, and then keep once he leaves office. Everyone’s rightfully focused on the plane, but to me the big headline is that he’ll eventually leave office.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, the 89-passenger luxury plane has wood finishes, custom carpets and gold walls. The only thing it doesn’t have is a way to safely land at Newark airport.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More