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    Stephen Colbert on the President’s Trumped-Up Birthday Plans

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    A military parade marking the anniversary of the Army’s founding will be held on the president’s birthday. “He wants overwhelming force,” Stephen Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Never Have I EverPresident Trump will soon return from his Middle East trip, and he already has big plans for June — specifically, the 14th.On Thursday, Stephen Colbert remarked that Trump might be leaving “his autocratic buddies behind, but he’s going to bring a taste of dictatorship back home when he does, ’cause he’s throwing a military parade on his birthday, featuring 6,600 soldiers, 150 vehicles and 50 helicopters.”“He wants overwhelming force, because this is more important than D-Day: It is his B-Day.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It also happens to be the 250th anniversary of the founding of the U.S. Army, so to honor the troops, soldiers will be housed in a former government warehouse, where they will receive one hot meal a day and have been told, ‘Bring your sleeping bags.’ [imitating Trump] ‘It’s my birthday slumber party! OK, fellas, let’s play Never Have I Ever. I’ll start. Never have I ever served in the military.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And before you ask, yes, there will be costumes. Service members will be wearing period uniforms from the Revolutionary War to the present. Yes. It’ll be June in one of the most humid cities in America, and they’ll be dressing them in wool pants.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Wrong Man for the Job Edition)“When asked yesterday if he would vaccinate his own children against the measles today, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said ‘Probably’ and then added, ‘I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from me.’ Yeah, not what you want to hear from the Secretary of Health and Human Services. That’s like if your pilot got on the P.A. and said, ‘We’re about to hit turbulence and I’d love some suggestions!’” — SETH MEYERS“Well, guys, R.F.K. Jr. just testified before Congress, and he said, ‘I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from me.’ It’s ironic, because it’s actually some great medical advice.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Seth Meyers Thinks Trump Shouldn’t Be So Set on That Jet

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      “We are, as of this taping, still a democracy with a rule of law,” Meyers said. “The president shouldn’t have a flying gold-plated party palace.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Size QueenPresident Donald Trump defended his choice to accept a jet from Qatar, saying that America should have the biggest, most impressive plane out of all the countries.“No, we shouldn’t,” Seth Meyers argued on Wednesday. “We are, as of this taping, still a democracy with a rule of law. The president shouldn’t have a flying gold-plated party palace.”“Stuff like that is a sign of corruption. That’s why Las Vegas looks like that — it was built by criminals.” — SETH MEYERS“The point is, they have nicer planes because they’re not democracies; they’re royal kingdoms, where they oppress people and use the public’s money to build opulent palaces for their rulers. We don’t do that here. If you ask me, the president should be forced to fly the same way the rest of us do. He should have to sit at Newark for six hours nursing a $30 Bloody Mary, and chewing on a pretzel while he waits for the one on-duty air traffic controller’s hands to stop shaking.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump should have a big plane because Trump definitely does not have a little plane. It’s definitely at least an average American male plane.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Plus, I will tell you what, a lot of countries say that a smaller plane is actually more comfortable for longer rides.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“We still talking about planes? Look where we are on the tarmac next to each other. I know you’re not supposed to just look straight ahead, but I took a little peek over there, a little peek over there. Cockpit was huge, man!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I’m sorry, why does the president need any of this? Air Force One is supposed to be technologically advanced, not luxurious. It’s designed so the president can get national security briefings anywhere in the world, not so he can chill on leather couches and use nine different bathrooms — which, by the way, he might need to do on the way home based on the fact that the Saudis set up a custom-built mobile McDonald’s in anticipation of Trump’s visit.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Humps for Trump Edition)“When Trump landed in Qatar, he was escorted by a fleet of Cybertrucks, Arabian horses and camels. And even the horses and camels were laughing at the Cybertruck.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, Trump was welcomed by horses and camels. He was like, ‘I love the horses and the sexier horses.’” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night is Happy President Trump Has Left the Country

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      Jordan Klepper suggested that someone lock the doors while President Trump is in the Middle East this week.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Lock Him Out!President Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia on Tuesday for the first stop of a four-day Middle East trip.Stephen Colbert celebrated, saying, “Yes, Donald Trump left the country today, so I got another birthday wish.” On “The Daily Show,” Jordan Klepper suggested that “someone lock the [expletive] doors.”“He landed in Riyadh this morning, where he got a lavish welcome, greeted by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman on a sumptuous carpet, purple, made out of hand-harvested journalist nurple.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know Trump’s looking at the carpet, going, ‘These things fly here, right?’” — JORDAN KLEPPER“The crown prince pulled out all the stops to make Trump feel at home, even providing an actual mobile McDonald’s semi truck. This is true. Yes. Of course, one of the most rewarding things about traveling the globe is getting the chance to sample the local nugget truck.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You got to hand it to the Saudis, though, they know the fastest way to Trump’s heart is through his stomach, out the colon, with a little bit staying behind in his arteries.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Regardless, you know what? It was a very nice start to this trip abroad, where he’ll visit not just Saudi Arabia, but then Qatar and the U.A.E. But you might be wondering, why did Trump pick these countries for his first foreign trip? Well, there’s a strong geopolitical balance of — I’m [expletive] with you. Corruption!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“The Trump boys have projects in all three countries. I never thought I’d say this, but can’t these countries go back to doing something more constructive, like funding terrorism?” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Punchiest Punchlines (From Shady to Sus Edition)“President Trump tonight attended a Saudi state dinner. OK, well, just so you know, it’s going to be a lot of stuff you’ve never tried, like kabsa and mandi and forks.” — SETH MEYERS“Well, guys, today, President Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia for the first leg of his trip to the Middle East. Yeah, it was a big day. Saudi Arabia’s crown prince met with America’s Burger King.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Colbert Thinks the Nickname ‘Lady Giuliani’ Suits Jeanine Pirro

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      Colbert said President Trump’s latest appointment from the Fox News roster “drank a whole bottle of champagne, and then someone told her the news.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Lady Giuliani’Last Thursday, President Trump said he had chosen the Fox News personality Jeanine Pirro as the interim U.S. attorney for Washington, D.C.Stephen Colbert told his viewers on Monday that they might recognize Pirro from “Judge Jeanine,” where she “promoted voter-fraud claims, compared Jan. 6 rioters to Revolutionary War soldiers, and got pulled briefly from the network after making Islamophobic comments.”“She was later reinstated after Fox realized they didn’t care.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And I’m sure she’s excited. I heard on Friday night, she drank a whole bottle of champagne, and then someone told her the news.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Trump last week named Fox News host Jeanine Pirro as the interim U.S. attorney for Washington, D.C. Well, she is always up for a case.” — SETH MEYERS“Pirro has also come under fire for pleading guilty for speeding after driving 119 miles per hour in a 65 zone and was forced to deny accusations of being drunk on air. It’s not great when Washington’s top attorney can best be described as ‘Lady Giuliani.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Trump announced the news on Truth Social, saying, ‘Pirro is considered one of the top district attorneys in the history of the state of New York. She is in a class by herself.’ That class? Court-mandated traffic school.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Pirro is the 23rd current or former Fox News employee hired by the Trump White House. If you work at Fox News right now and you haven’t been offered a job by this administration, you must be thinking, ‘Does he, like, hate me?’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Thieving on a Jet Plane Edition)“The White House said that the royal family of Qatar is giving President Trump a $400 million luxury jet that he will use as Air Force One, and then keep once he leaves office. Everyone’s rightfully focused on the plane, but to me the big headline is that he’ll eventually leave office.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, the 89-passenger luxury plane has wood finishes, custom carpets and gold walls. The only thing it doesn’t have is a way to safely land at Newark airport.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night on Trump, the Constitution and Playing With Dolls

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      On “Meet the Press” and social media, President Trump gave the hosts a lot of material to choose from, even by his standards.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Presidents Say the Darndest ThingsDuring a “Meet the Press” interview that aired on Sunday, President Trump was asked whether he had to uphold the Constitution. He replied, “I don’t know.”“Wow, they talked a lot about Biden’s mental decline, but this guy can’t even remember stuff from, like, four months ago,” Seth Meyers said on Monday.“Well, it’s been great, folks, but that’s it — I think we can roll credits on the United States.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“On ‘Millionaire,’ that’d be the warm-up question, like ‘What color is an orange?’ or ‘Name a planet with people on it.’ I mean, if you can’t answer that the president’s supposed to uphold the Constitution, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t even let you become a citizen.” — JON STEWART“It’s the same answer he gives when they ask where Melania lives: ‘I don’t know, I’d have to ask my lawyers.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The Constitution isn’t one of Don Jr.’s birthdays. You can’t just ignore it.” — JIMMY KIMMELTrump, asked about the economy, also doubled down on his suggestion that children could get by with fewer toys. “I don’t think a beautiful baby girl needs — that’s 11 years old needs to have 30 dolls,” he said. “I think they can have three dolls, or four dolls.”“Right, think of them like wives: Two, three, four would be a good number.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“All you need to know about the relationship he has with his daughters and granddaughters is he thinks 11-year-olds still play with dolls.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. It’s a beautiful 11-year-old baby! You did so well in your 44th trimester.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“In response, Pokémon has rolled out their new slogan: ‘Pokémon, Gotta Catch a Couple!’” — SETH MEYERS“I mean, who runs on a pledge of ‘Let’s make Christmas worse for children’?” — BILL MAHER“A billionaire telling kids they need to cut back on dolls. That is some world-class political messaging right there.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Every interview now is like an episode of ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (May the Fourth Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Watches ‘Signalgate’ Claim a Victim, Sort of

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      Mike Waltz, who added a journalist to a Signal group chat about plans to bomb Yemen, is out as national security adviser, but his career isn’t over.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not the Last WaltzOn Thursday, Mike Waltz — famous for inadvertently adding a journalist to a Signal chat group where officials discussed plans to attack Yemen — was removed from his post as President Trump’s national security adviser. But Trump soon announced that he would nominate Waltz to be the ambassador to the United Nations.“The news was first reported when he accidentally texted it to Lester Holt,” Seth Meyers said on “Late Night.”“So finally — finally — a member of the Trump administration faces lasting consequences that lasted three and a half hours.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“What a strong message that is: ‘We can’t trust you to keep our secrets. But go cavort freely with representatives from every country in the world.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Well, he’s not fired, but he was removed from the group chat.” — JIMMY FALLON“It was a tough decision, and as with anything this sensitive, the first person to find out was Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So, that guy, the one who claimed strangers’ numbers can get sucked into your phone, will now be Trump’s ambassador to the United Nations if he gets confirmed, which means he’ll spend a lot less time at the White House, where his portfolio seemed to consist of two things: leaking war plans on group chats and, much like his phone, sucking up to Donald Trump.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Return to Office Edition)“Apparently, Elon Musk is stepping away from his work at the White House so he can focus on running Tesla. He was like, ‘Hm, what’s better: this dumpster fire or this dumpster fire?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Elon is dialing back his DOGE duties to focus on his own disaster of a company.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingQuinta Brunson, the creator and star of “Abbott Elementary,” crashed Thursday’s “Tonight Show” to promote her gig hosting “Saturday Night Live” this weekend.Also, Check This OutGeorge Clooney in “Good Night, and Good Luck.” He was among the screen stars who got Tony nominations for their work on Broadway this season.Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesAudra McDonald, George Clooney, and Sarah Snook, stars of both stage and screen, received Tony nominations on Thursday. More

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      Seth Meyers Recaps Trump’s Latest Revisionist History

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      Meyers said the president’s ABC News interview “changed his mind” about Trump’s first 100 days in office.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Revisionist Recent HistoryPresident Donald Trump sat down for an interview with the ABC News reporter Terry Moran to discuss his first 100 days in office.“And you know what? He changed my mind,” Seth Meyers said on Wednesday.“Before the interview, I thought the first 100 days had been really bad, but after the interview, I thought, ‘Oh, I see the plan, the next 100 days are going to make the first 100 days look amazing.’” — SETH MEYERS“Trump claimed that egg prices are down, gasoline is down, and groceries are down. Then a staffer said, ‘Sir, those charts are your approval rating.’” — JIMMY FALLON“[Imitating Trump] I mean, what kind of an interview is this? I thought you were going to ask me if 100 men could beat a gorilla, not about the tariffs. I don’t know about the tariffs.” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump said that the Declaration of Independence meant unity. Unity is the opposite of independence. How did Trump find the one time that ‘unity and love’ is the wrong answer?” — DESI LYDIC“What makes this even more sad is that the Declaration of Independence is basically the colonies filing for divorce. It’s the one thing Trump should absolutely recognize. And all of that was supposed to be the softball part of the interview.” — DESI LYDICThe Punchiest Punchlines (Shrinkage Edition)“Meanwhile, it just came out today that for the first three months of this year, the U.S. economy shrank. Trump was, like, ‘Well, it was the three coldest months — of course it was shrinkage.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yes, the U.S. economy is undergoing what economists refer to as a ‘George Costanza.’” — DESI LYDIC“Now, obviously, the economy is a complex interaction of multiple markets, so it’s difficult to point to any one factor, but it’s all Trump.” — DESI LYDIC“A hundred days in, we’re already going to loan sharks for Lunchables with this guy.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“All the experts say the economy is in pretty rough shape. However, Trump’s doctor says it’s the healthiest economy he’s ever seen.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingSpoofing Bill Belichick’s recent CBS interview, Richard Kind introduced his new girlfriend on Wednesday’s “Everybody’s Live with John Mulaney.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightPenn Badgley, the star of the Netflix series “You,” will appear on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutPhoto Illustration by The New York Times; Background: Brian Rea; Inset: Dana Scruggs for The New York TimesOn this week’s Modern Love, Miranda July discussed her plot to get older women talking about desire with her novel, “All Fours.” More

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      Late Night Grades Trump’s First 100 Days in Office

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      “It’s been an historic 100 days — some would say prehistoric,” said Jimmy Kimmel.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.100 Down, Roughly 1,300 to GoPresident Trump’s 100th day in office was the talk of late night on Tuesday.On “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” the host said (perhaps not sincerely) that he’d had “a day of revelry and jubilation.”“We have 100 days behind us and only 13 more hundred days to go. It’s been an historic 100 days — some would say prehistoric.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Today was President Trump’s 100th day in office. Well, 100th day as president, fourth day in office.” — SETH MEYERS“Yes, it has been 100 days of Trump in the Oval Office. I mean that figuratively. Obviously, he spent lots of those days in the steam room at Mar-a-Lago.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“It is difficult to give Trump’s first 100 days a grade, but if I had to, I’d say it falls somewhere between ‘F’ and ‘U.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Let’s be honest: It’s been a bumpy ride. I mean, who knew renaming the Gulf of Mexico might actually be his high point?” — JIMMY FALLON“To mark 100 days in office, Trump kicked off a multiday media blitz that the White House is framing as a victory lap. Yep, and now all he needs is a victory.” — JIMMY FALLON“And the whole 100 days thing started back in 1933, right, when F.D.R.’s extraordinary productivity set a first-100-days standard against which all future presidents would be measured. And I think it’s appropriate to compare him to F.D.R., because Trump is well on his way to bringing back polio.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Mark Carney Edition)“With Carney’s victory, Canadians rejected his younger, much Trumpier opponent, Pierre Poilievre, which must be a relief for Trump, ’cause now he never has to try to say that guy’s name.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Don’t mess with Canada. They may be polite. You tick them off, they’re like John Wick after they killed his dog.” — JIMMY KIMMEL”You take that, Trump. That’s what happens when you mess with a country whose national pastime is ‘bar fight on ice.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But, yes, thanks to Trump, the Liberal Party just pulled off a historic comeback, winning all the major Canadian demographics: hockey moms, hockey dads, hockey non-binaries, hockey seniors, hockey hockey players, and, of course, hot Ryans.” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Bits Worth WatchingWill Ferrell and Stephen Colbert “Rickrolled” viewers during Tuesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightJohn Cale and Maggie Rogers will perform together on “Everybody’s Live With Mulaney.”Also, Check This OutNearly three hours long, the concert was a characteristic Beyoncé epic.The New York TimesBeyoncé’s Cowboy Carter Tour, kicking off on Monday night in Inglewood, Calif., transformed the star’s personal and musical reclamation into a joyful extravaganza. More

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      Late Night Pokes Fun at Trump’s Dismal Poll Numbers

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      Seth Meyers called Donald Trump “the most unpopular president since Kevin Spacey.” Even measles is polling better, according to Jimmy Fallon.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Down BadPresident Trump will mark 100 days in office this week, but most of the country won’t be celebrating, to judge from his falling poll numbers.On Monday, Seth Meyers said Trump was “killing it — and by ‘it,’ I mean his approval ratings.”“Donald Trump is the most unpopular president since Kevin Spacey.” — SETH MEYERS“After almost 100 days in office, Trump is as popular as Kanye at a bat mitzvah.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Time really flies when you’re in the fetal position, doesn’t it? — BILL MAHER“In the ABC poll, more than 70 percent of Americans say the economy today is either ‘not so good’ or ‘poor.’ The other 30 percent are either in a coma or in his cabinet or both.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yep, Trump’s approval rating is down to 39 percent. Even measles is polling at 40 percent.” — JIMMY FALLON“In a post on Truth Social yesterday, President Trump urged House Republicans to skip a celebration of his first 100 days in office to vote on his tax bill. Oh, I hate to break it to you, buddy — there wasn’t going to be a celebration.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Cedric the Entertainer Edition)“For whatever reason, even though the Vatican dress code specifically recommended a dark suit for the service, Trump showed up in his bluest blue suit, something from the Cedric the Entertainer funeral collection.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump wore his blue suit, and Melania wore her wedding dress.” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump thought it was a funeral for his holiness, Papa Smurf.” — JIMMY FALLON“Meanwhile, Trump wore a black suit for a week after Hooters went out of business.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Oh, Mary!” star Cole Escola showed Stephen Colbert how to play a straight guy on Monday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightJulia Louis-Dreyfus will appear on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“This is where I belong, these are my people,” Sister Monica Clare said. “I never thought I would find that.”Lila Barth for The New York TimesSister Monica Clare presents a compelling argument for convents in her popular TikTok content and a new memoir. More