Colbert on Afghanistan: ‘It’s Heartbreaking’

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‘The Right Thing Feels So Wrong’

Late-night hosts addressed the news out of Afghanistan this week, with the Taliban taking swift control after President Biden’s decision to pull out American troops.

“We have had troops there for 20 years — they fought, they sacrificed, their families sacrificed so that we wouldn’t have a terrorist attack in America planned in a foreign country,” Stephen Colbert said on Monday. “Why should our soldiers be fighting radicals in a civil war in Afghanistan? We’ve got our own on Capitol Hill.”

“The Taliban yesterday entered the city of Kabul and took control of Afghanistan’s presidential palace. Most Americans watched in horror, while some Americans watched for tips.” — SETH MEYERS

“As recently as last month, an overwhelming majority of Americans, 70 percent or more, supported Biden’s withdrawal. Seventy percent. You know how few things 70 percent of Americans agree on? I think it’s this and extra cheese, which also often ends badly and faster than you planned.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“The U.S. foreign-policy apparatus should not approach Afghanistan the same way I approach trying to install a wireless router: ‘“Connect the router to a broadband gateway from your I.S.P. by inserting the Ethernet cable to the port located on the back of the TP-link extender”? I don’t have the foggiest notion of what I’m undertaking! Do you know how this works?’” — SETH MEYERS

“So in the end, you can make us accept that there was no good alternative, but you can’t make us feel good about it. The only people who can feel good about this are the service members and their families who aren’t going to see soldiers sent into harm’s way for no reason that the commander in chief of either party can articulate. But there’s one more thing: For the last 20 years, four separate administrations told the American people to care about the plight of all the Afghan people, especially the women, and we did care and that’s not going to change. All that’s changed is that there’s nothing we can do about it now. So pulling out may be the right thing to do, but it’s heartbreaking; it’s humbling when the right thing feels so wrong.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Punchiest Punchlines (Blame Game Edition)

“Former President Trump released a statement on Friday amid the deteriorating situation in Afghanistan and, yeah, he’s enjoying this.” — SETH MEYERS

“Pretty weird to blame Biden for withdrawing troops when this summer he was claiming credit for it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“So you can’t put all the blame for a debacle you helped set the stage for. That’s like Andrew Lloyd Webber calling ‘Cats’ a terrible movie. You wrote a musical with no plot — how did you think this was going to end?” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“You can tell things aren’t good for Biden, because today he said, ‘You know, maybe the election was stolen.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Trump made a peace deal with the Taliban to end the war, and now after Biden’s withdrawal, they’re back in power. So, on the bright side, it’s nice to have a bipartisan screw-up.” — JIMMY FALLON

“I have a hard time believing Trump would have done it in a more orderly way, since nothing he ever did was orderly. He couldn’t even withdraw from an umbrella in an orderly fashion.” — SETH MEYERS

“So what’s happening now is the responsibility of both parties, and the American people who voted them into office. So, children and convicts, you’re off the hook. Also, thanks for watching.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

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