Seth Meyers: ‘Ted Cruz Has a Thing for Self-Humiliation’

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Ted Cruz appeared on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show last week, apologizing for referring to the events of Jan. 6 as terrorism. Seth Meyers, who hosted “Late Night” from home on Monday after a Covid diagnosis, took Cruz to task for his backpedaling.

“Wow, I knew Ted had a thing for self-humiliation, but that is next-level,” Meyers said. “Imagine begging for forgiveness from a cable news host while he sits there with that look he always has on his face like he’s trying to remember the name of the other guy from Wham.”

“That clip was like watching one of those dumb cable news segments where a reporter willingly gets Tasered just to show everyone how bad it is.” — SETH MEYERS

“I also like how Cruz finds a way to mention in that clip that he texted Tucker like they’re good pals. Unfortunately for Ted, any time he tries to text or call someone, it comes up as ‘Spam likely’ — or, in his case, ‘Likely made of Spam.’” — SETH MEYERS

“And yet, this debacle keeps getting worse for Cruz because he proudly tweeted out the clip of himself groveling, which is a little like posting a video of yourself landing nards-first on a handrail during a skateboard fail with the caption, ‘Check out how epic this is.’” — SETH MEYERS

“And look, we all know Ted Cruz has a thing for self-humiliation. He slinked back from Cancún after escaping a blackout in his state. He endorsed Donald Trump after Trump insulted his wife and his father, and took that infamous photo where he made campaign calls for Trump, looking like Jack Lemmon in ‘Glengarry Glenn Ross.’ And he keeps showing up in public with that facial hair looking like a Chewbacca who shaved everything but the beard.” — SETH MEYERS

The Punchiest Punchlines (Deltacron Edition)

“Speaking of breaking records, thanks to Omicron, the seven-day average for newly reported cases in the U.S. topped 700,000. Seven hundred thousand! That’s the population of Denver, and you know you’re in trouble when you’re higher than the people of Denver.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Well, guys, today, the C.E.O. of Pfizer said that its vaccine for the Omicron variant will be ready in March. So get ready for the craziest St. Patrick’s Day in the history of the world.” — JIMMY FALLON

“It feels like this March Madness, we’ll be filling out brackets to predict which of the 68 variants will become the dominant strain.” — JIMMY FALLON

“But Omicron could be over by Groundhog Day, which would be just in time because scientists in Cyprus have found 25 cases of a strain of the coronavirus that they say combines elements of the Delta and Omicron variants, that they’re calling ‘Deltacron.’ Deltacron, also the name of the disappointing Transformer who turns into a delayed flight for Atlanta.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Scientists are currently disputing a new study that claims to have discovered a so-called Deltacron strain of the coronavirus. It combines the Delta and Omicron variants, and the only thing that can stop it is the Pfizerna vaccine.” — SETH MEYERS

“Pretty soon the C.E.O. of Pfizer is going to be on Instagram Live like, ‘New vaccine just dropped, sound off in the comments!’” — JIMMY FALLON

“I honestly have no idea how I haven’t been infected with this. I’m starting to feel like before I lost my virginity: Everyone else had, I know I probably will eventually, and when I finally do, I hope it goes as fast as losing my virginity did.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

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