Late Night Debriefs After a ‘Tariff-fying’ Day at the White House

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Just ‘Tariffic’

On Wednesday, President Donald Trump held an event at the White House to announce new international tariffs during what he referred to as “Liberation Day.”

Stephen Colbert said that, thanks to Trump, “America is finally free from the tyranny of being able to buy stuff from other countries.”

“Who’s ready to learn how to make their own iPad from scratch?” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Right, ‘Liberation Day. That sounds like the fake holiday your friends make up after you get dumped: ‘No, man. Who needs that beautiful, smart, independently wealthy woman in your life, when you can die alone? This is your liberation day, bro!’” — MICHAEL KOSTA

“OK, so Liberation Day is just the day that Trump announced new tariffs. I kind of doubt this day will be remembered for all of history, but if you give me a day off from work, you can call it whatever you want.” — MICHAEL KOSTA

“Now, you might be thinking, ‘What am I even being liberated from? The ability to afford goods and services?’” — MICHAEL KOSTA

“Reportedly, Trump was still weighing tariff options until late yesterday. Now, if you’re not steeped in the wonky language of Beltway insiders, that basically means they were spitballin’ ideas through the bathroom door at 3 a.m.: ‘[imitating Trump] Tell you what: What if Ireland has to pay extra to be, uh — to be on the Lucky Charms box? What about that? I’m just spitballin’ here. We stop Count Chocula at the border.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Yeah, in his speech, Trump said, ‘[imitating Trump] We’ll make America wealthy again, like it was at the start of my presidency. Six months ago.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Yeah, Trump announced tariffs on aluminum, steel and several other items that popped into his head mid-speech.” — JIMMY FALLON

“He also expanded the tariffs on aluminum to include canned beer. Even Kid Rock was, like, ‘Um, what are we doing here, man?’” — JIMMY FALLON

“The tariffs will raise prices for Americans, and costs could go up by $3,000 per year. Netflix was, like, ‘Game recognize game.’” — JIMMY FALLON

The Punchiest Punchlines (Holding It Edition)

“Democratic Senator Cory Booker delivered a 25-hour, four-minute speech yesterday on the Senate floor, shattering Adrien Brody’s record.” — SETH MEYERS

“That’s right, Senator Cory Booker broke the record last night for the longest speech ever delivered on the Senate floor. The previous record was held by Joe Biden after somebody asked, ‘What was it like growing up in Scranton?’” — SETH MEYERS

“What an amazing day for Cory Booker. Not so great for the C-SPAN cameraman, who missed the birth of his first child and kindergarten graduation.” — MICHAEL KOSTA

“After his speech, Booker said he hadn’t eaten since Friday and stopped drinking fluids on Sunday so he wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders went to the bathroom three different times during this joke.” — JIMMY FALLON