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    Late Night Comedians Mock Trump’s Trial-Delaying Efforts

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    “You know what they say: If at first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth or tenth you don’t succeed, cry, cry again,” Jimmy Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Hush Money MondayFormer President Donald Trump’s first criminal trial starts on Monday, despite several failed efforts to have it delayed.“His only move left is to have sex with everyone in the court and pay them $130,000 to keep their mouth shut,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Thursday.“You know what they say: If at first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth or tenth you don’t succeed, cry, cry again.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump has tried everything. He even requested a delay so he could mourn the loss of O.J.” — JIMMY FALLONOn “Late Night,” Seth Meyers pointed out that Trump had spent $100 million — or $230,000 a day — on legal bills for his combined court cases.“First of all, it’s very funny that you have to pay all the lawyers for all your criminal trials through something called Save America. Save America from what, you?” — SETH MEYERS“Also, $230,000 a day — for comparison’s sake — you can buy a pristine 1967 Chevy Corvette with original transmission and teal-blue interior for roughly the same price, which is perfect because that’s Joe Biden’s favorite car.” — SETH MEYERS“Biden should pull that thing up in front of the courthouse every day: ‘[imitating Biden] Hey, Donny, what’d you spend your $230K on?’ Every day that Trump drops that much money on lawyers you should have to hear Joe Biden say the words ‘Vroom vroom.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (R.I.P. O.J. Edition)“As most of you probably know, the big story was that O.J. Simpson went to hell today.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s rare that a celebrity as famous as O.J. doesn’t get an outpouring of love after news of his death, but it makes sense.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Guys, as I mentioned, the big news today is O.J. Simpson died. As we speak, someone is trying to write the most impossible eulogy of all time.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJordan Klepper joined Michael Kosta, the guest host, for “Men Talk About Abortion” on Thursday’s “The Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutDonielle Hansley Jr. and Simone Joy Jones in “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead.”2024 Fence 2021 Films LLCWade Allain-Marcus’s reboot of the cult hit “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead” keeps the plot from the 1991 original. More

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      Late Night Mocks Arizona’s Abortion Law

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      “That is crazy — but remember it’s Arizona, so it’s a dry crazy,” Stephen Colbert said of the state’s 160-year-old ban on abortion, newly reinstated.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Hazing ArizonaThe Arizona Supreme Court on Tuesday reinstated a law from 1864 banning nearly all abortions in the state.Stephen Colbert called it “a law so old that it was passed before women had the right to vote.”“To which the Arizona Supreme Court said, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll work on that one next.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That is crazy — but remember it’s Arizona, so it’s a dry crazy.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“1864? Was anybody even there yet? Was this their first law right after Don’t Shoot the Piano Player?” — SETH MEYERS“States can enforce laws written before they were even states? Does that mean any state in the Louisiana Purchase is now subject to the laws of 18th-century France? If you steal a loaf of bread in Baton Rouge, you’ll be sentenced to 19 years in jail, and they’ll write a musical about you?” — SETH MEYERS, referring to “Les Miserables”The Punchiest Punchlines (‘Simon & Joefunkel’ Edition)The White House state dinner for Prime Minister Fumio Kishida of Japan also got some attention from the hosts.“You know Joe Biden — his state dinners are a little different than the usual. For one thing, they start at 4:30., and you can only get in if you have a Groupon.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The musical entertainment for the event was Paul Simon, which is — that’s a good one. That’s big. Trump was lucky to get the surviving members of O-Town for one of his state dinners, but Japan got an evening of Simon & Joefunkel.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, Biden got to eat dinner with a performance from Paul Simon. Meanwhile, Kamala Harris had to sit through a lunch with Art Garfunkel.” — JIMMY FALLON“So of course Paul Simon kicked off his old hit, ‘Me and Fumio Down by the Schoolyard.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingVampire Weekend performed their new song “Mary Boone” on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe Norwegian singer-songwriter girl in red is the musical guest on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutThe Indigo Girls, Amy Ray and Emily Saliers, were routinely mocked for being too earnest, too poetic, too folky, too lesbian. OscilloscopeThe Indigo Girls opened up their archives for “It’s Only Life After All,” a new career-spanning documentary about the folk-rock music duo. More

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      Stephen Colbert Mocks Trump’s Failed Bid to Delay Hush-Money Trial

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      Colbert said Donald Trump’s lawyers wanted “an impartial jury who knew nothing about the events in America over the last nine years.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘His Crimes Are the News!’An appeals court judge on Monday denied Donald Trump’s request to postpone his criminal trial in Manhattan stemming from a hush-money deal with a porn star. His lawyers unsuccessfully argued that the former president couldn’t get a fair trial in New York because potential jurors were exposed to news reporting on his other recent legal issues.“So are you saying members of the jury can’t have seen any news about Donald Trump’s crimes?” Stephen Colbert said. “His crimes are the news!”“[Imitating Trump’s attorney] Your honor, it is only fair that our client be judged by an impartial jury who knew nothing about the events in America over the last nine years. Might I recommend 12 confused men who were dropped off in a forest as infants and then raised by wolves, or, if they’re not available, could we acquire some clone babies that have been rapidly aged in some sort of machine and then released into the jury box. Oh, they think he’s guilty, too? OK.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You were president — the whole country has a bias. The only way you’re getting a juror who doesn’t know you is if it’s randomly Tiffany.” — SETH MEYERSThe judge released a questionnaire on Monday for potential jurors, with questions like “whether they believe in QAnon, use Truth Social, or attend Trump rallies,” Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday. “In other words, he wants to know, ‘Are you Marjorie Taylor Greene?’”“‘Has former [President] Trump ever buried you or anyone you love on one of his golf courses?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I wish I could get in on questioning these potential jurors. I feel like I’d be so good at it. ‘And one final question, sir: Does your truck have nuts?’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Forgiveness Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Seth Meyers Slams Trump’s $50 Million Fund-raiser

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      Meyers said the dinner menu at a Palm Beach campaign event for Donald Trump “had so many foreign words, I’m surprised he didn’t have it deported.” Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Not One to Exaggerate’Donald Trump made an appearance at a campaign fund-raiser held by a billionaire donor, John Paulson, in his Palm Beach home on Saturday. The Trump campaign said it raised more than $50 million.The former first lady Melania Trump was also in attendance, where, Seth Meyers joked, “she finally got to meet an actual billionaire.”“And just to give you an idea of how elite this fund-raiser was, check out the food they served: ‘The evening’s menu included an endive and frisée salad, filet au poivre, and pavlova with fresh berries for dessert.’ That menu had so many foreign words, I’m surprised he didn’t have it deported.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump claims he raked in $50 million Saturday night, which seems high, but he’s not one to exaggerate.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“While speaking at his Palm Beach fund-raiser over the weekend, former President Trump complained that immigrants aren’t coming to the U.S. from ‘nice’ countries like Denmark, Switzerland or Norway. And then, at the end, added, ‘Oh, Slovenia!’” — SETH MEYERS“Maybe because people don’t tend to flee one of the happiest countries on Earth.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Whenever Trump says ‘nice,’ he means ‘white.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Eclipse Edition)“The sun and the moon did the thing that everyone’s been saying they were going to do for centuries now. The path got totalitied, and now both planets will go back to years of ignoring each other before they inevitably hook up again. Textbook toxic relationship.” — JON STEWART“It was quite a sight, and if you’re excited about the eclipse and the sky turning totally black, wait ’til you hear about nighttime.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, all the news stations had nonstop coverage, but I think CNN messed up by not having Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper count down to the blackout while getting blacked out.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, this is the day you don’t look directly at the sun. Or as one guy put it, [imitating Trump] ‘It’s very easy to do.’” — JIMMY FALLON“And if you missed the eclipse, don’t worry; there are currently two billion videos of it on Instagram.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJon Stewart laid into American leaders for continuing to support Israel on Monday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightConan O’Brien, who had a brief stint as the “Tonight Show” host almost 15 years ago, will return as a guest on Tuesday.Also, Check This OutThe final episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” found Larry David on trial.John Johnson/HBOThe series finale of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” found Larry David in familiar territory. More

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      Stephen Colbert Chides Trump for Ignoring Expanded Gag Order

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      Colbert said that after the order was amended, the former president “paused, listened to his critics and launched another attack on the judge’s daughter, this time with photos.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘The Friends and Family Ban’The judge overseeing former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial over a hush-money payment to a porn star expanded his gag order on Monday.Stephen Colbert said the expanded order made sense: “Because for me, the order goes ‘Think about Trump, then gag.’”“Specifically, the judge expanded the order to bar Trump from attacking his family members because last week, Trump went after the judge’s daughter on Truth Social, and he got a lot of heat for this despicable personal attack. So he paused, listened to his critics, and launched another attack on the judge’s daughter, this time with photos.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The D.A. and the judge are still fair targets for Trump, but the new order does now cover their families. ‘[imitating Trump] Challenge accepted.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Donald Trump thinks a gag order is what Melania does when she sees him get out of the hot tub.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He signed him up for the friends and family ban.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump has been going after the judge’s daughter, which is just nuts. So the judge ordered him to stop and he declined. This morning, he did it again — he wrote a whole diatribe on Truth Social, and guess what happened to him? Nothing, nothing happened again. Are laws real? Because I’ve been stupidly following them my whole life now, and it doesn’t seem to matter.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Repo Man Edition)“Donald Trump pulled a rabbit out of his MAGA hat. He managed to post that $175 million bond he couldn’t get. He got one courtesy of the Knight Specialty Insurance Company, which I’m guessing did not Google the phrase ‘Who is Donald Trump?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Don Hankey, he sells loans to people with less than exceptional credit. Forbes said his company repossesses about 250 cars a day. Our former president got a loan from a repo man.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know their slogan: ‘Turned down by the banky? Don’t get so cranky. Call me, Don Hankey. You’ll say ‘Why, thanky!’ Don, good luck with the porn star spanky.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe guest host Desi Lydic highlighted the newfound popularity of women’s basketball on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightJerrod Carmichael will talk about his new HBO reality show on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutThe conductor Klaus Mäkela.Vincent Tullo for The New York TimesAt 28, the Chicago Symphony’s new conductor, Klaus Mäkelä, is the youngest music director to lead a top American ensemble. More

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      Late Night Takes Stock of Donald Trump’s Tanking Media Company

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      Jimmy Fallon joked that “Truth Social stock tanked so fast, they’re changing the name to Twitter.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trump’s Stock SinksShares of Trump Media & Technology Group, the owner of Truth Social, tanked on Monday. That cut the value of Donald Trump’s majority share to about $3.7 billion, down from its peak of $6 billion last week.“Yeah, Truth Social stock tanked so fast, they’re changing the name to Twitter,” Jimmy Fallon joked.“When he heard another one of his businesses was tanking, Trump was, like, ‘[imitating Trump] They blow up so fast.’” — JIMMY FALLON“As a result of the stock tanking, Trump’s net worth dropped $2 billion. Trump’s so panicked, he’s now selling copies of the Torah.” — JIMMY FALLON“How could that be? They have such a solid business model: Old rapist yells at Easter.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“What a shock that the stock price of a company with no profits or success of any kind is falling. The way things are going, Trump is going to have to start selling a deluxe Bible with a dictionary attached.” — SETH MEYERS“He posted 70 times on Easter — what’s in the baskets at the Trump family Easter egg hunt, Cadbury meth eggs?” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Easter Egg Roll Edition)“The White House hosted the 144th annual Easter egg roll today, and about 40,000 people were expected to participate. Forty thousand! But, then again, where else can you get free eggs?” — SETH MEYERS“Forty thousand, or as the hands that laid those eggs put it, ‘An entire generation lost, and for what?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s the one day of the year where Joe Biden says, ‘You kids get on my lawn!’ And he did.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Biden came out and said, ‘Look, I know I’m mentally stable, but everyone else can see this six-foot bunny next to me, right?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Then the president handed out baskets filled with his two favorite Easter treats, rhubarb and Polident, and a good time was had by all.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Donald Trump also had a beautiful Easter message. April fools!” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJon Stewart explored the promise of A.I. on Monday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightJames Cordon will return to late night, this time as a guest, on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“She wanted more from life, and, ultimately, life lost interest in her,” the director Rachel Chavkin said of the painter Tamara de Lempicka, whose artistic reputation remains mixed.Bettmann via, Getty ImagesA new biographical musical about the unsung artist Tamara de Lempicka opens on April 14. More

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      Seth Meyers Is Skeptical of Trump’s Rising Stock

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      “I’m willing to bet most of the people investing in this company have never even used Truth Social,” Meyers said of Trump’s social media outlet on Thursday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.What Is the Truth?Trump Media’s stock price surged after going public this week, boosting former President Donald Trump’s bottom line, at least on paper.“I’m willing to bet most of the people investing in this company have never even used Truth Social,” Seth Meyers said on Thursday.“You might be asking yourself, ‘Donald Trump has a media and technology company?’ And the answer is no, he doesn’t. What he has is a dumb Twitter rip-off for MAGA trolls called Truth Social, where he posts insane, typo-riddled, all-caps screeds.” — SETH MEYERS“The only way this business could be any more of a failure is if every time you opened an account, you got a free Zune, a bottle of Crystal Pepsi, a Blockbuster card, a Motorola flip phone that came preloaded with a MySpace account and a round trip next to the door on Alaska Airlines.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Angry New York Drivers Edition)“Guys, New York just became the first U.S. city to approve congestion pricing, which means cars that drive into Midtown Manhattan will have to pay an extra $15. A $15 toll. And that’s not all; the city announced some other new tolls, too. You’ll have to pay $15 if you make eye contact with someone on the subway for more than three seconds.” — JIMMY FALLON“Now, personally, I can see the upsides to congestion pricing. It’s better for the environment, it reduces traffic, there’s fewer cars on the road, so there’s more space for you to get hit by delivery bikes.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“But, understandably, people are upset, and the last thing I want is angry drivers in New York. I mean, can you imagine?” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Bits Worth WatchingThe actress Zoe Saldaña spoke about starring in her husband’s directorial debut, “The Absence of Eden,” on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutJulianne Moore as Mary Villiers and Nicholas Galitzine as George, her son, in “Mary and George.”StarzIn the new Starz drama “Mary and George,” Julianne Moore plays a mother whose son catches the eye of King James I of England. More

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      Stephen Colbert Recaps the Ronna McDaniel Drama at NBC

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      “In case you’re unfamiliar with McDaniel, she is terrible,” Stephen Colbert said of the former Republican National Committee chairwoman.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Representation Matters!’The former Republican National Committee chairwoman Ronna McDaniel was fired by NBC just five days after being hired as an on-air contributor.“In case you’re unfamiliar with McDaniel, she is terrible,” Stephen Colbert said, recalling McDaniel’s involvement with former President Donald Trump and his denial of the 2020 election results.“Happy Women’s History Month, gals! It’s 2024 — you, too, can be morally bankrupt dictator-enabling douche-nuggets. Representation matters!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“[imitating McDaniel] Before, I was carrying water for a fascist wannabe dictator — now I’m getting bangs!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But, yes, Ronna McDaniel lasted just five days at NBC, which is less screen time than dead bodies on ‘Law & Order’ get” — JORDAN KLEPPER, guest host of “The Daily Show”The Punchiest Punchlines (Disciples Are Standing By Edition)“Trump is still allowed to defend himself. He’s also still allowed to hawk [expletive] products in a desperate bid for money, arguably the most American thing you can do.” — SETH MEYERS“Yes, Donald Trump is now hawking a Bible. It’s just like any other good book, except in the middle of this one, there’s a centerfold.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s like if Mike Pence was selling copies of ‘50 Shades of Grey.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, the guy who’s about to go on trial for paying hush money to cover up an affair with a porn star is selling Bibles. And because it’s a Trump Bible, most of the Ten Commandments are blacked out.” — SETH MEYERS“Now this has come as no surprise to anyone — making a profit is Trump’s religion. As his Jesus famously said, ‘It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay me four easy installments of $19.95. Act now; disciples are standing by.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He has to have spare Bibles because every time he holds one, it bursts into flames.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJerry Seinfeld and Jimmy Fallon asked each other random questions on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe singer-songwriter Sheryl Crow will appear on Thursday’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.”Also, Check This OutClassics abound in the horror novelist Stephen King’s literary catalog.Philip Montgomery for The New York TimesWant to read Stephen King but not sure where to start? Here’s a guide to the horror master’s most essential works. More

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      Jordan Klepper Teases Trump for Shilling Bibles

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      “How does that thing not burst into flames immediately?” Klepper joked of Donald Trump’s “latest very classy business venture” on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.’Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trump’s Latest Mash-UpOn Tuesday, former President Donald Trump released a video on Truth Social, plugging his “God Bless the USA Bible” for $60.“The Daily Show” guest host Jordan Klepper called the move Trump’s “latest very classy business venture.”“How does that thing not burst into flames immediately?” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Yes, Trump is mashing together the Bible and the Constitution like it’s a Pizza Hut-Taco Bell.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I know people will say that you’re not supposed to mix the Bible and the Constitution, but what you have to understand is Trump has never read either of them.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“If we step back and look at this, Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing: God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a three-month prison sentence for lying under oath.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I mean, what’s amazing about this is that Trump just made $5 billion on his new stock. Buddy, you’re not supposed to be doing this embarrassing grifter [expletive] when you’re that rich. Just start a private space company like a normal billionaire sociopath.” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Punchiest Punchlines (Corinthian Leather Edition)“I like how they made the Bible the exact color of his skin. Yeah, that’s interesting. Corinthian — Corinthian leather.” — JIMMY FALLON“[imitating Trump] It’s my favorite book right after ‘Captain Underpants’ and the Cheesecake Factory menu.” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump is just like Christ. The Pharisees despised Jesus because Jesus had all of that prime Dead Sea-front property. Jesus was a brilliant capitalist. He’s buying lepers at rock-bottom prices, healing them, then flipping them for big denarii. We all know how he got an initial round of funding: selling golden sandals.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingKristen Stewart gave Seth Meyers a lesbian makeover while day drinking on Tuesday’s “Late Night.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightJerry Seinfeld will sit down with Jimmy Fallon on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutJenny Slate in her new special, “Seasoned Professional.”Amazon Prime VideoSix comedy specials from seasoned comics — Tig Notaro, Jenny Slate, Dan Soder, Cara Connors, David Cross and Dave Attell — are now available on streaming. More