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    Late Night Weighs In on Trump’s Perfect Physical

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    “The doctor said Trump’s BMI is 28,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “Right, and so is his next wife, by the way.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Picture of HealthThe results of President Trump’s annual physical exam described a man in “excellent health.”“Of course he is,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday. “He eats right, he avoids unhealthy foods, diet soda. He manages stress, he doesn’t hang onto anger, he gets a good night’s sleep, he limits his time on social media, he spends lots of time with loved ones, and gets plenty of exercise getting in and out of that golf cart.”“And he’s got a body like Brad Pitt to show it.” — JIMMY KIMMELHe “gave Trump a clean bill of health, saying, ‘his active lifestyle continues to contribute significantly to his well-being’ including his ‘frequent victories in golf events,’ adding, his well-being is also due to a cruel, indifferent universe where good, hardworking people are routinely diagnosed with terminal illnesses, but an objectively evil monster who only eats cheeseburgers and fried chicken lives forever. The world is chaos, there is no god, proven by his frequent victories in golf events.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Dr. Barbabella claims that Trump is 6-feet-3, which he is not. He weighs 224 pounds. Just for comparison, Green Bay Packers quarterback Jordan Love is 6-4, 219 pounds. Honestly, it’s difficult to tell them apart.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m going to say no to either of those numbers. I don’t want to be that guy, but he has a front butt.” — JON STEWART“Maybe they just weighed Trump’s head.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The doctor said Trump’s BMI is 28. Right, and so is his next wife, by the way.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Barbabella, good man and thorough, wrote: ‘I performed and supervised the comprehensive exam, which included diagnostic and laboratory testing, as well as consultations with 14 specialty consultants.’ ’Cause nothing says good health like your doctor saying, ‘I think you’re fine. I just need to consult with 14 specialty consultants.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Taking Space Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Taps Into Trump’s Preoccupation With Water Pressure

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      Jimmy Fallon said the good news is that “more powerful shower heads are on the way. Bad news: They’re all made in China.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Making Showers Great AgainPresident Trump signed an executive order on Wednesday repealing Biden-instituted restrictions on water flow in shower heads.On Thursday, Jimmy Fallon said the good news is “more powerful shower heads are on the way. Bad news: They’re all made in China.”“America was, like, ‘What are you doing in our 401(k)?’ And Trump was, like, ‘Stronger shower nozzles.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Stronger showers are better than what Trump does now, which is lying on the hood of a Cybertruck and going through a carwash.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, President Trump signed an executive order titled ‘Maintaining Acceptable Water Pressure in Shower Heads.’ And tomorrow he’s signing another important one called ‘Installing the Toilet Paper So It Rolls Off the Top, Not the Bottom.’” — SETH MEYERS“Ah, yes, the war on showers: a fight Steve Bannon has been on the front lines of his whole life.” — DESI LYDIC“Now, most people probably didn’t even realize we were in a war on showers, because no one in the Biden administration ever accidentally added a reporter to the ‘war on showers’ group chat.” — DESI LYDIC“But, in all seriousness, I know the war on showers very well, OK? My uncle actually lost his leg from stepping on a bath bomb — it’s never been the same.” — DESI LYDIC“Trump is literally making it rain, removing limits on water pressure from shower heads.” — GREG GUTFELD“Trump said that he has to stand under the shower for 15 minutes before he gets wet. I think the problem is Trump wears so much bronzer, he made himself waterproof.” — JIMMY FALLON“Why does Donald Trump even need a shower? You’d think the three-hour tongue bath he gets every morning from ‘Fox & Friends’ would be sufficient.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Another Perfect Physical Edition)“Tomorrow, the president is scheduled to get his annual physical. They should do that in front of the cameras, too. They should have a public weigh-in. How much fun would that be? March him on a scale in a jockstrap like he’s about to fight Jake Paul.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, Trump’s very excited. Today, he was handed a giant chart to pick what he’d like his weight to be.” — JIMMY FALLON“The physical is tomorrow, which means we should have the results tonight.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s not easy taking care of Trump. About halfway through, his doctor will be like, ‘Forget the tariffs — I think I need to pause for 90 days.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Saturday Night Live” star Bowen Yang discussed his new role in “The Wedding Banquet” while on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutFor the series “Next Gen NYC,” Bravo will follow the children of some of the network’s stars along with some of their influencer friends.Bronson Farr/BravoBravo’s Gen Z nepo babies star in the network’s new “Real Housewives” spinoff, “Next Gen NYC.” More

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      Late Night Finds Trump to Be His Own Worst Enemy

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      “Yeah, Trump was, like, ‘I just saved the economy from me. You’re welcome,’” Jimmy Fallon said on “The Tonight Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Marked Safe From SelfJust hours after instituting new global tariffs on Wednesday, President Donald Trump reversed course and announced a 90-day pause for some countries.Late night hosts were united in believing that Trump needed to act swiftly to safeguard the economy from his own actions.“Yeah, Trump was, like, ‘I just saved the economy from me. You’re welcome,’” Jimmy Fallon said on “The Tonight Show.”“Thank God he is there, to stop him from doing the things he does there.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Ah, yes, ‘The Art of the Deal’: create a global crisis and then dig yourself halfway out. It’s truly masterful, Donald.” — DESI LYDIC“You don’t get credit for releasing someone you trapped in your basement. That’s not how it works.” — TAYLOR TOMLINSON“It’s been fun watching this lunatic gamble our life savings this week. It’s like — it’s like handing your Social Security check to your dog and sending it to Caesar’s Palace: ‘If the dealer has 16, stay, OK? Stay.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“President Trump today announced a 90-day pause on tariffs for some countries and increased the duty on Chinese imports to 125 percent. Where did he learn his trade policies, from a kid in an elevator — just pushing random buttons to see what happens?” — SETH MEYERS“Come on, Trump, just admit that you started a game of chicken and you got too scared to finish it.” — DESI LYDIC“With the tariffs paused, the U.S. now has three months to work out all its relationships with all these countries. Basically, our economy now mimics the exact plot of ‘90 Day Fiance.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Yippy and Queasy Edition)“Trump said that he paused tariffs because people were getting ‘yippy’ and ‘queasy.’ Then Trump tried naming the other seven dwarves.” — JIMMY FALLON“Sorry, I tend to get a little yippy when my retirement plan starts to look like the elevator from ‘The Shining.’” — DESI LYDICWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Frantically Tries to Keep Up With Trump’s Tariffs

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      “I’d say he’s like a bull in a china shop, but at 104 percent, I can’t afford to say that,” Desi Lydic said of President Trump on “The Daily Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Doing the MathPresident Trump’s latest tariffs — which, among other things, raised import taxes on Chinese goods to 104 percent — went into effect at midnight on Wednesday.Desi Lydic described Trump as “out of control right now” during Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”“I’d say he’s like a bull in a china shop, but at 104 percent, I can’t afford to say that.” — DESI LYDIC“OK, this is getting really serious. We’ll know exactly how serious once we ask China to do the math for us.” — DESI LYDIC“China said the tariffs are ‘a mistake on top of a mistake,’ which is also what Trump said when Eric was born.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“How is he coming up with these numbers, I don’t know. ‘What do you think about a tariff of 100 percent on China?’ ‘Not enough, make it 104.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump isn’t messing around with China. Now he’s threatened to not invite them to his birthday party.” — JIMMY FALLON“As a result of the tariffs, Americans are now racing to buy iPhones before prices increase. Yep, iPhones and toilet paper, our two most essential bathroom items.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Dodgers Edition)“At a White House event yesterday celebrating the Los Angeles Dodgers’ World Series championship, President Trump said that the team ‘showed America that it’s not about individual glory,’ adding, ‘but I decided to invite you anyway.’” — SETH MEYERS“President Trump praised star player Shohei Ohtani and added, ‘He’s got a good future, I’m telling you.’ Not exactly a bold prediction. ‘[imitating Trump] I think that guy who won three M.V.P. awards could turn out to be a pretty good ballplayer!’ Any other predictions you want to make, Nostradamus? ‘[imitating Trump] I think that Taylor Swift is going to sell some concert tickets someday!’” — SETH MEYERS“[imitating umpire] His brain is outta here!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Donald Trump met with the world-champion Los Angeles Dodgers at the White House, where Trump used the opportunity to deport Shohei Ohtani.” — GREG GUTFELDThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon and Ed Sheeran surprised fans by busking in a New York City subway station on “The Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe actor and comedian Bill Hader will appear on “Everybody’s Live with John Mulaney.”Also, Check This OutYoko Ono and John Lennon’s famed “Bed-In” for peace in 1969.Charlie Ley/Mirrorpix, viq Getty ImagesA new film and a biography offer more opportunities to assess Yoko Ono’s contributions to culture. More

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      Jon Stewart Can’t Stomach Trump’s Stock Market ‘Medicine’

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      The “Daily Show” host said America’s economy was “in the midst of a beautiful metamorphosis, turning from a simple caterpillar into a dead caterpillar.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bad MedicineStock markets have been hammered by President Trump’s sweeping tariffs, which he insists will eventually revitalize the American economy.Jon Stewart had a different take on Monday’s “Daily Show.” He said the economy was “in the midst of a beautiful metamorphosis, turning from a simple caterpillar into a dead caterpillar.”“[imitating Trump] Hey, Mom, look — no economy!” — JON STEWART“President Trump likened the U.S. to a sick patient and his trade policies to an operation in a Truth Social post last week and said, ‘THE OPERATION IS OVER! THE PATIENT LIVED AND IS HEALING.’ Sounds great, until you remember that the surgeon didn’t go to medical school.” — SETH MEYERS“You’re all acting like the tariff regime is a tried-and-true remedy: ‘Oh, of course, this is the medicine that’s always prescribed!’ Except the last time it was tried, 100 years ago, we had a Great Depression.” — JON STEWART“And tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1929.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, guys, everyone is still talking about President Trump’s new tariffs and how they’re impacting the economy. Trump defended them by saying, ‘Sometimes you have to take medicine to fix something.’ RFK Jr. heard and was, like, ‘Then why did you hire me?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, Trump thinks that he’s a medicine expert because he’s the same color as DayQuil.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Hole in None Edition)“After the White House reported that President Trump won the senior club championship at his Florida golf club, the Washington Post reported that he tied for first with another player. But in the end, the Supreme Court gave it to Trump.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s good to see him relaxing. Killing the economy can be stressful.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course he won. Anyone who beats him gets deported to El Salvador.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“[imitating Trump] What’s my handicap? I’d say a complete inability to empathize with my fellow human beings. That’s a big one.” — SETH MEYERS“Also, buddy, you won the senior club championship at a resort with your name on it. That’s like my kids bragging that they beat me in Uno. They win Uno for one reason only: I want the [expletive] Uno game to be over, and I’m sure people who golf with Trump feel the same way.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Monday’s “Late Show,” Stephen Colbert talked with Senator Cory Booker about his recent 25-hour speech on the Senate floor.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe “White Lotus” star Walton Goggins has some explaining to do on Tuesday’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.”Also, Check This OutJasmine Amy Rogers brings charm to the title role, but “Boop! The Musical” leaves you wondering why it exists.Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesBetty Boop, the flapper of early talkie cartoons, now has her own subpar merch grab of a Broadway show, “Boop! The Musical.” More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Updates the Never-Ending Story of the Signal Leak

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      “There are many books and stories to come,” Kimmel said of the Trump administration’s leaky-group-chat scandal, comparing it to the Harry Potter saga.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Incredibly TransparentThe Trump administration’s high-level Signal group chat to which a journalist was somehow invited continued to dominate late night on Thursday.Jimmy Kimmel called the scandal “the never-ending story” and compared it to the Harry Potter saga, saying, “There are many books and stories to come.” News outlets found some of the key players’ personal information online, including the Venmo contacts of Michael Waltz, the national security adviser.“You know how some people feel the need to share their Venmo transactions with everyone they know? Michael Waltz is one of them. He shares his name, there’s a picture of him, and all of his contacts up on Venmo. Even Matt Gaetz was, like, ‘How could you be so careless?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And security issues aside, isn’t it a little bit disturbing that a guy overseeing our national defense, our weapons — our nuclear weapons — is still in the ‘Dude, you owe me $14 for tacos’ phase of his life?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He’s Venmo-ing his doctor? My man, if your doctor takes Venmo, that ain’t a doctor.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This story won’t be going away anytime soon, because Mike Waltz has made a key strategic error: being an idiot everywhere at all times.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Because of how incredibly sloppy they are, a German newspaper, Der Spiegel, was able to find personal email addresses, phone numbers and passwords — some of which seem to be still in use — for Mike Waltz, Tulsi Gabbard and Pete Hegseth. What a group. We have a national security adviser who doesn’t know how to secure, a defensive secretary of defense, a pro-measles secretary of health, and a secretary of education who wants to close the Department of Education.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt, she’s standing firm. She said today the administration has been ‘incredibly transparent about this entire situation.’ Yeah, that’s the problem — they’ve been so transparent, we’ve seen all their information.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Pete Hegseth and Mike Waltz have said and done so many stupid things this week, Trump might have to start calling them Eric and Don Jr.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (McRib Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Can’t Quit the Group Chat

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      “This operation was about as secretive as a Fortnite Twitch stream,” Jimmy Kimmel said of U.S. officials’ leaked discussion of a plan to attack Yemen.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.War Plans or Nah?On Wednesday, The Atlantic published more material from the Signal group chat in which Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth and other officials discussed an imminent attack on Yemen, unaware that The Atlantic’s editor had been added to the group.Jimmy Kimmel called it the “‘Oops, who did I add to this text chain?’ heard ’round the world.” President Trump and others in his administration have denied that the details shared in the chat amounted to “war plans.” “Let’s see. ‘F-18’s launch.’ ‘Target terrorist.’ ‘Strike drones launch.’ ‘More F-18s launch!’ ‘First bombs will definitely drop.’ ‘First sea-based Tomahawks launched.’ Now, I’m not an expert on war — these don’t seem like peace plans to me.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This operation was about as secretive as a Fortnite Twitch stream, OK?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Who could have ever guessed that the host of ‘Weekend Fox and Friends’ would be bad at running the military?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I mean, imagine how lifelong military professionals must feel. If this was the ’90s, this would be like suddenly having to take orders from Kathie Lee.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Thank God we got rid of D.E.I. Now you can rest assured that the idiots in charge were not chosen for their race or gender. They were chosen purely based on being idiots.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Declassified Edition)“This is an unprecedented failure of national security protocols and a grotesque disregard of the safety of American service members. Or, as Donald Trump would say: ‘No it isn’t.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“One defense official said, ‘It is safe to say that anybody in uniform would be court-martialed for this. My most junior analysts know not to do this.’ Yes, everyone understands this. The characters in ‘Fight Club’ understand this. It’s why the first rule of ‘Fight Club’ is ‘Don’t send out an e-vite for Fight Club.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Is Still Reeling Over the Government’s ‘War by Emoji’

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      “Signal might be a good app for you and me and our local drug dealer, but it’s not for the Pentagon to plan wars on,” Ronny Chieng said on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Snapchat’s NextThe late-night buzz on Tuesday was still about the Signal chat group in which Trump administration officials discussed an imminent strike on Houthi militants in Yemen, unaware that one of them had mistakenly added the editor of The Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg, to the group.The “Daily Show” host Ronny Chieng said it was proof that not everything that goes wrong is President Trump’s fault — “he has a whole administration that can [expletive] up for him.”“Is anyone else kind of upset that we’re conducting war by emoji now?” — RONNY CHIENG“I know we shouldn’t enjoy the fact that we have a confederacy of dunces running this country, but I’ll be honest, I can’t help it — I’m enjoying it right now. This week, in the race between dumb and evil, dumb’s in the lead.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“At first, Goldberg was concerned that it might be a hoax. But he got a hint it might be real when he was added to a text chain called ‘Houthi PC small group.’ Turns out it was real and that ‘Houthi’ is short for ‘Houthis idiots running our government?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And they should’ve known someone from The Atlantic was there, because after 10 messages, Goldberg chimed in to say: ‘You’ve reached your free article limit. Please log in to continue.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And by the way, it wasn’t even Pete Hegseth who added him, it was some other incompetent guy at the highest levels of government, OK? Like, what, you think Hegseth has the editor of The Atlantic magazine saved in his phone? No way, all right? If Hegseth auto-filled a contact into a group chat, it would be like, ‘Tampa Bay Blonde With Bugs Bunny Tattoo.’” — RONNY CHIENG“Apparently, the reporter was mistakenly added to the group chat by Trump’s national security adviser. This adviser can’t catch a break. Today, he sat down and butt-dialed the nuclear codes to North Korea.” — JIMMY FALLON“And even if they didn’t accidentally add a journalist into this group chat, they weren’t supposed to be talking about this stuff on Signal in the first place, OK? Signal might be a good app for you and me and our local drug dealer, but it’s not for the Pentagon to plan wars on.” — RONNY CHIENG“Today Trump said it’ll never happen again, and from now on they’ll only talk about war plans over Snapchat.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Meat Loaf Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jon Stewart Thinks He May Be in the ‘Bomb Yemen’ Chat Group

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      The “Daily Show” host suspects that he, too, might have been invited to a discussion of secret war plans by a bumbling official in the Trump administration.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Invite OnlyTop officials in the Trump administration discussed secret plans to bomb Yemen on Signal, unaware that one of them had mistakenly added a journalist to the chat group.On Monday’s “Daily Show,” Jon Stewart applauded the administration for “once again carrying out its plans with competence and professionalism.”“You know, back in my day, if you were a journalist who wanted leaked war documents, you had to work the sources: meet them in a dark garage, earn their trust, pound the pavement. Now? You just wait for the national security adviser to be distracted by ‘White Lotus’ while he’s setting up his ‘Bomb Yemen’ group chat.” — JON STEWART“By the way, I might be in this group chat, I don’t know. I don’t check my group chats.” — JON STEWART“This is not helping Pete Hegseth’s reputation as a guy who is always drunk. I mean, this is a drunk guy mistake. This is the national security equivalent of airdropping a [expletive] pic to everyone in the office.” — TAYLOR TOMLINSON“I thought top-secret war meetings were held in a vault on top of a mountain. I didn’t know we were just droppin’ ’em in the chat. Turns out Hegseth was planning wars like a mom in a busy grocery store talking on speakerphone.” — TAYLOR TOMLINSON“Worst of all, now that journalist knows they’re all hanging out at Buffalo Wild Wings tonight, and they can’t uninvite him or it would be so awkward.” — TAYLOR TOMLINSON“He thought it was disinformation. Turned out it was just a bunch of fools, because the strikes started happening exactly as described in the texts. In other words, our national security is being guarded by a bunch of doofs you wouldn’t trust to throw your cousin a surprise party.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“No one on the chain thought to ask, ‘Who is JG? What are these initials?’ For all — they could have been leaking secrets to Jeff Goldblum, for all they know.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Skin-Colored Skin Edition)“Donald Trump truly is focused on the issues that matter most — to him, specifically.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yesterday, he posted — this is real — ‘Nobody likes a bad picture or painting of themselves, but the one in Colorado, in the State Capitol, put up by the governor, was purposefully distorted to a level that even I, perhaps, have never seen before.’ He doesn’t like this painting of him that they hung in the State Capitol building in Colorado. This is the portrait. I have to be honest: I agree with him on this one. It’s not a very good likeness. I mean, look how inaccurate the skin color is. His skin is the color of skin.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More