Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Many of us are stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
‘You Stay Down There, Joe’
A New York Times/Siena College poll published Wednesday found that former Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr. has a significant lead on President Trump in the 2020 presidential race.
“That is Joe-mentum! He’s an unstoppable force, as long as he never leaves his basement. You stay down there, Joe! Even if you win, you stay down there. It’s going to take a few months to fumigate the burger farts out of the Oval Office couch.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“One disturbing part of this poll was the fact that 14 percent of voters would vote for another candidate, would not vote or did not know. Did not know? How the hell do you live through three and half years of Donald Trump and have no opinion? ‘What’s that? Who’s president? Donald Trump? The guy from “The Apprentice”? Well, I missed that one. I was binge-watching a marathon of Kevin Spacey movies’ — what?” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Yup, Joe Biden has his biggest lead yet. When he read about it in the paper, Biden was like, ‘Wow, good for Joe Biden. He must be thrilled.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Not only is Biden ahead the polls, he also raised more money than Trump last month. Yeah, Trump’s so desperate for money, he’s going to start writing a tell-all book about himself.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Look, I know he’s been doing campaign events, but I never even know about them and honestly I prefer that. I love this strategy. If I had my way, Biden’s campaign slogan would be ‘Elect me president, and you’ll never hear from me again.’” — SETH MEYERS
“Meanwhile, Trump’s poll numbers are so low, he asked if he could declare bankruptcy and start over.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Those numbers are so bad for Trump, today he held up John Bolton’s book to change the subject.” — JIMMY FALLON
The Punchiest Punchlines (Travel Edition)
“Things are so bad in the rest of the country that New York, New Jersey and Connecticut will now require certain out-of-state travelers to quarantine upon arrival. So if you’re from out of state and want to visit the Big Apple, fuhgeddaboutit! Seriously, they don’t want you there.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Yeah, New York, Connecticut and New Jersey. Tourists were like, ‘Damn, now we can’t travel to New York and Connecticut.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“The tristate area is not alone. With cases surging in the United States, the European Union is prepared to block Americans from entering. Well fine, Europe. We didn’t want to go there anyway. Instead of partying in Ibitha, I’m partying in Kanthath-thity.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Yeah, the European leaders disapprove of Trump’s handling of the virus. Right now, the only ones who approve of Trump’s handling of the virus is the virus.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Leaders of the European Union are reportedly considering a ban on American tourists when borders reopen in July because of how the U.S. is handling the coronavirus. And, also, you know, all the other reasons. Coronavirus might just be a cover in this case.” — SETH MEYERS
“Even worse, Europe was like, ‘How do we put this? Um, this has nothing to do with the pandemic; we just hate Americans. OK? Bye-bye.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“When Europe said they’d block Americans from entering, Trump was like, ‘Wow, that must be some wall.’” — JIMMY FALLON
The Bits Worth Watching
Trevor Noah scored the first late-night interview with NASCAR’s sole black driver, Bubba Wallace.
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
Rachel McAdams will check in with Seth Meyers on Thursday’s “Late Night.”
Also, Check This Out
Mary Trump’s exposé on her Uncle Donald is just one of several new books worth reading in July.
Source: Television - nytimes.com
