Late Night Mocks Republicans for Trying to Oust Their Speaker

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Not Right Enough

The Republican speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, is facing significant backlash from conservatives after pushing to advance an aid package for Ukraine.

“Somehow Mike Johnson, a man who called Planned Parenthood part of an ‘American holocaust,’ isn’t right-wing enough for these people,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Thursday.

“They formed what they call a ‘Floor Action Response Team’ or F-A-R-T for short. So, you know these are very serious people.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Being the speaker of the House nowadays is like being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend — you hang on as long as you can.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Mike Johnson — a climate change-denying, homophobic religious fanatic — knows that getting Ukraine these weapons is the right thing to do and even though his party is terrified of Jell-O Putin-lover Trump, he’s doing it anyway, and that’s why they’re going to destroy him. They can’t have that! If they let him do the right thing on Ukraine, he might do the right thing on other stuff. It’s a very slippery slope.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

The Punchiest Punchlines (Jury Duty Edition)

“They had a really productive day today. Matter of fact, right before I came out here to do the show, we learned that a full jury has now been picked for Donald Trump’s New York trial. Plus, one alternate has been seated, too. So 13 — also known as a Stormy dozen.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Each prospective juror had to answer questions about what they think about Trump, which meant he had to sit there and listen to comments like this one, from a woman who said — she said, ‘I wouldn’t believe Trump if his tongue were notarized.’ You know, that woman — she did not get picked as a juror, but I would like to hire her as a writer if she’s interested.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Juror No. 2 told the judge that people in her life had figured out she’d been selected and then had started to try to influence her. That frustrated Judge Merchan, who admonished the press for reporting juror descriptions and gave this example: ‘There was really no need to mention that one of the jurors had an Irish accent.’ That’s true — that little detail allowed me to positively identify him as the Lucky Charms guy. [imitating Lucky Charms leprechaun] ‘They’re after me home address!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT