Advisers told the former president to push his Jan. 6 news conference to a date that would draw less attention to a low point of his presidency. “So, every day of his presidency?” Stephen Colbert joked.
Welcome to the Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
Lowest of the Low
Former President Donald Trump called off his ill-timed news conference scheduled for Thursday, the anniversary of the Jan. 6 Capitol riot — or, as Stephen Colbert joked on Wednesday night, “that horrible day when millions of Americans stared at the TV in shock and grief and said, ‘Ah, crap, is that Uncle Dave?’”
“Apparently, the real reason he canceled the event is because ‘some advisers urged the former president to reschedule for a day that would draw less attention to a low point of his presidency.’ So, every day of his presidency?” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“The solemnity of the day was in danger of being undermined by former President ‘My Little Phony.’ Two weeks ago, he announced that at the time of the Capitol prayer service, he planned to deliver remarks doubling down on the ‘big lie’ to counterprogram the remembrance events. Yeah, you can’t let remembrance events go on without counterprogramming. The same reason at a funeral you’ve got to bring out an insult comic for the people who are glad the guy’s dead: [Imitating comic] ‘John looks good. It’s the first time I’ve seen him stiff in years! Oh! His wife knows what I’m talking about. Anyway, that’s my time. His, too! Tip your pallbearers.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“It would be like Judas giving a speech to commemorate Good Friday: [Imitating Judas] ‘Sure, it’s a sad day, but without me, none of this would’ve happened. The real crucifixion was on Nov. 3 — Mary Magdalene knows what I’m talkin’ about. Tip your Pharisees.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Donald Trump is canceling an appearance and listening to advice from other people? I’m worried about him.” — JAMES CORDEN
“Republican senators said the press conference wasn’t a good idea, so instead Trump will just spend a quiet day dancing to ‘Y.M.C.A.’ at home.” — JAMES CORDEN
“But according to The New York Times’s Maggie Haberman, the real, real reason is that it was becoming clear he wasn’t likely to get the live TV coverage he was hoping for. Well, that makes sense. Upstaging solemn events rarely gets good ratings. That’s why they canceled ‘Dick Clark’s Pearl Harbor’s Rockin’ Eve.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
In his statement regarding the cancellation, Trump referred to the insurrection as a “completely unarmed protest” and said he was moving the event from Mar-a-Lago to Arizona on Jan. 15.
“I‘d like to point out that they were armed. And when did we start having to say ‘unarmed’ protests? Protests are unarmed by default. That’s like saying: ‘We had a lovely weekend. It was a totally bloodless cotillion.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“It makes sense that he’s moving it from Mar-a-Lago to Arizona, considering their state motto: ‘Arizona: America’s backup Florida.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“So, no press conference tomorrow, but Trump will speak at an Arizona rally on Jan. 15 instead, just as Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted.” — JAMES CORDEN
The Punchiest Punchlines (Covid Confusion Edition)
“There’s an update in the world of Covid: Everyone in the world has Covid.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Speaking of, the C.D.C. announced that after you isolate for five days with Covid, you should take a rapid test if you have access to one. You can read more about it in this month’s issue of Unhelpful Advice magazine.” — JIMMY FALLON
“That’s right, another update from the C.D.C. Even Dr. Fauci is like, ‘Oh, I muted those months ago.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“At this point, the C.D.C. is like that annoying co-worker who emails you every five minutes, like: ‘Following up on this. Just bumping this up, guys.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“So the country’s in chaos. What we need is clear guidance from the C.D.C., which is why they issued yesterday new guidance updating their recent five-day isolation rule with this simple addendum: People who have recovered from the virus and have isolated for at least five days can take a rapid test if they want, but they don’t have to. And those who test positive after five days from their initial test should isolate for another five days. Also, people who test negative or don’t get tested can go back to work, as long as they wear a mask. Oh, I know this one! The answer is the knife was an icicle! No, you take the chicken and the grain, and you vaccinate the fox!” — STEPHEN COLBERT
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Source: Television - nytimes.com
