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    Seth Meyers Wishes Tucker Carlson and Ted Cruz Could Both Lose

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    The clash of conservative titans had Meyers feeling like a Roman emperor: “I just want someone to feed me grapes while I say, ‘Let them fight.’”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Rooting for a Sinkhole’In a heated exchange on Tucker Carlson’s show, the host grilled Ted Cruz about Iran’s population and ethnic makeup, suggesting that the Republican senator was ignorant about the country whose government he wanted the United States to help overthrow.Seth Meyers was amused by the standoff, saying he’d never “felt more like a Roman emperor.”“I just want someone to feed me grapes while I say, ‘Let them fight.’” — SETH MEYERS“It’s like watching a sequel to ‘Alien vs. Predator’ called ‘I Can’t Believe I’m Saying This, but the Predator is Making Some Very Salient Points.’” — SETH MEYERS“Oh, damn, Ted Cruz. Are you a pair of $800 Ferragamo boat shoes? Because Tucker Carlson owned you, buddy.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“And Ted Cruz was like, ‘I know the population, just give me a second to count, OK? Let’s see, there’s the ayatollah, that’s one. Uh, the Iron Sheik, two. Is Aladdin one? No? No?” — JORDAN KLEPPER“It’s so wild to see these two fighting. But I gotta say, in an argument between Tucker Carlson and Ted Cruz, I’m rooting for a sinkhole.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Flagpole Edition)“Not now, dude! This is like your boyfriend getting down on one knee and saying, ‘Kelly, will you make me the happiest man in the world and look at these two beautiful flagpoles?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on Trump’s announcement that new flagpoles would be installed at the White House“What’s going on here? It feels like someone told him, ‘Sir, you’re not doing well in the polls.’ And he was like, ‘I hear you, I’m on it.’” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Now personally, I think it’s cool that Trump found a new use for the 50-foot pole that Melania refuses to touch him with.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Wow, ‘tall, tapered, rustproof’ flagpoles. You know he must love them ’cause that’s the same way he describes his son Barron.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“What a president. He spent 48 minutes yammering about flagpoles. He spent more time raising these flags than he did raising Eric and Don Jr. combined today.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth Watching“Jimmy Kimmel Live” timed how long it took fans to start eating from a bowl of nachos left on top of a garbage can at the N.B.A. Finals.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightPaul Simon will discuss coming out of retirement on “The Late Show.”Also, Check This OutSteven Spielberg, holding the camera, and his cinematographer Bill Butler during the filming of “Jaws.”Peacock/Universal Pictures, via Associated PressFifty years ago, “Jaws” established a template that blockbuster movies have been following ever since. More

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      Jordan Klepper Calls Trump Out for His ‘Irish Exit’ at G7

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      The president left the Group of 7 summit in Canada a day ahead of schedule, and Tuesday’s “Daily Show” host thinks he knows why.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Stay Tuned’President Trump left the G7 summit in Canada a day earlier than planned, flying back to Washington to deal with the Iran-Israel conflict, according to the White House.On Tuesday’s “Daily Show,” Jordan Klepper called Trump out for his “Irish exit.”“Now, this is an important G7 for Trump, because he had to prove that he had the discipline and wherewithal to fix the global economy after he [expletive] up the global economy.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“We all know what this is, right? You’re at an event, you have to rush home because ‘something came up’? Look, I get it — none of us like to poop in an unfamiliar place. Sometimes, when you have a big matchup coming up, you just need that home-field advantage.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“After a few days with Trump, the Canadian prime minister was like, ‘I hate to see you go, but I also hate to see you here.’” — JIMMY FALLON“When French president Emmanuel Macron told the press that Trump left the G7 to work on a cease-fire, Trump attacked Macron, posting, ‘He has no idea why I am now on my way to Washington, but it certainly has nothing to do with a cease-fire. Much bigger than that. Stay tuned!’ Much bigger than that? Not a cease-fire? Maybe not the most subtle messaging from the commander in chief. It’s like when F.D.R. said, ‘Gotta get me some sleep. Tomorrow is Big D-Day. Can’t say much more, but it rhymes with Shmormandy.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So either the United States is about to jump in or he just got bored during the G7 icebreakers.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“‘Stay tuned.’ Like it’s the season finale of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ or something.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Oh, great! Yeah, better than a cease-fire! Cease-fire plus! That’s great — I hate watching ads.” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Punchiest Punchlines (Trade Deal Drop Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Reviews Trump’s Night at the Theater

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      Jimmy Kimmel said that Trump “going to see ‘Les Misérables’ right now is like Kanye going to ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Master of the HousePresident Donald Trump attended the opening night of “Les Misérables” at the Kennedy Center on Wednesday.“Usually, when Trump watches a staged rebellion, it’s Fox News coverage of the ‘riots’ here in L.A.,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Thursday.“It’s a musical largely about a revolution. It’s the people standing up against their king. The rebellion happens in Act 2 — or, I should say, it usually happens in Act 2. After Act 1 last night, Trump called in the National Guard and squashed the whole thing.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I have to say, Trump going to see ‘Les Misérables’ right now is like Kanye going to ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’ ” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Some cast members from ‘Les Mis’ decided to boycott the performance because President Trump was there. Right now, the only person less popular than Trump in the world of theater is Patti LuPone.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Napoleon Bona-spurs was accompanied by Melania, as is required under Section B Subsection 3 of their prenup, which states, ‘Mrs. Trump shall accompany her husband to no fewer than two public appearances per calendar year during which she shall refrain from open displays of revulsion, disgust, and/or hatred, regardless of current mood or events.’ Also known as ‘date night’ for them.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But Melania, from all accounts, she loved the show. Her favorite song was ‘On My Own.’” — JIMMY KIMMELOn the red carpet, a reporter asked the president if he was more of a Jean Valjean or Javert. “Oh, that’s a tough one,” he replied, and did not supply an answer.“I don’t know what’s worse: that a reporter thought it was a good idea to ask Trump if he’s the hero or the villain, or that Trump’s response was ‘Oof, that’s a tough question.’” — DESI LYDIC“All right, that’s famously not a tough one. There’s a pretty clear good guy and bad guy, but then I think Trump would have the same problem after a screening of ‘Star Wars.’ [imitating Trump] ‘Oh, that’s a tough one. Darth Vader is a mean guy, but also the Skywalker kid was very rude to the gay robot.’” — SETH MEYERS“What do you mean you don’t know? Javert is the bad guy. You just said you’ve seen the show a number of times. Is that number zero?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“[imitating Trump] The character I identify with most is Les. Les — Lester Miserables. Big, tough guy. Built that castle on a cloud. Not happy about it.” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Desi Lydic Wants Trump to Leave the Troops Alone

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      Hosts ripped into his comment during a speech to troops about former President Joe Biden never having been “the sharpest bulb.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Two Tacos Short of a Happy Meal’President Donald Trump visited soldiers at Fort Bragg on Tuesday, where he delivered a speech to “his favorite men in uniform who aren’t in the Village People,” Desi Lydic said on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”“Oh, my God, give these troops a break already! They have to sit through your show, they have to invade Los Angeles, and now they have to parade for you?” — DESI LYDICDuring his speech, Trump attempted to criticize former President Joe Biden’s intelligence, saying, “He’s never been the sharpest bulb.”“He was there to commemorate the 250th anniversary of the army, so, of course, he ended up discussing Joe Biden.” — DESI LYDIC“What a wordsmith. See, see, most people would’ve gone with ‘brightest bulb,’ or ‘sharpest tool,’ but Donald Trump took half of both and smushed them together. That is what makes him the cream of the litter.” — DESI LYDIC“But that’s Trump — he’s not the brightest knife in the drawer. Some say he’s two tacos short of a Happy Meal.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He wasn’t the sharpest bulb, no. He wasn’t the brightest knife in the drawer.” — JIMMY FALLON“When Trump’s staff told him that he misquoted the idiom, he was, like, ‘Hey, who are you calling an idiom?’” — JIMMY FALLON‘Nothing $300 Million Couldn’t Fix’Elon Musk addressed last week’s tweets concerning President Trump on Wednesday, posting on X: “I regret some of my posts about President @realdonaldtrump last week. They went too far.”Jimmy Fallon said he was shocked: “I didn’t know Elon was programmed to feel human emotion.”“Yeah, apparently, Trump and Elon spoke over the phone on Monday night. Trump was very gracious. He was, like, ‘This is nothing another $300 million donation couldn’t fix.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Which ones went too far? Was it the one where you called for him to be impeached and replaced by JD Vance? Was it the one where you said his big, beautiful bill was a disgusting abomination? Was it the one that said he wouldn’t have won the election without you buying it for him? Or the one where you insinuated he is a pedophile on the Epstein list? I really would like to know.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Calls Trump an ‘Arsonist With a Hose’

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      The L.A.-based host said the city’s problem was the president, not the protests: “We have more so-called ‘unrest’ here when one of our teams wins a championship.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Fake NewsOn Wednesday, Jimmy Kimmel, who’s based in Los Angeles, mocked the idea that protests against immigration raids have turned the city into “some kind of totalitarian hellscape” — a notion pushed by President Trump (and some cable news outlets) as he sent in Marines and the National Guard.“He wants there to be a war going on here, and he doesn’t care who gets hurt in it. There’s no riot outside. We have more so-called ‘unrest’ here when one of our teams wins a championship.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Not only is it not an apocalypse, they’re having a Disney Pixar movie premiere right now, for ‘Elio,’ a movie about aliens. Don’t tell Trump, he’ll send the Green Berets in, too.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know, when we had the wildfires that devastated big chunks of our city, he did absolutely nothing. Now that we’re in the middle of a nonemergency: ‘Send in the National Guard!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Putting out a fire you purposely start doesn’t make you a firefighter, it makes you an arsonist with a hose.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yes, nothing calms down a situation like a military invasion.” — DESI LYDIC“You know, I’m beginning to wonder if Trump is intentionally trying to escalate this situation because more chaos allows him to portray blue states as centers of crime, while positioning himself as the strongman that the country needs to rally around. No, that’s silly. I’m sure he’s just doing what’s best for everyone.” — DESI LYDIC“Now, as we speak, Trump has sent thousands of troops into downtown L.A. to quell what historians will remember as the Battle of That Video of a Burning Waymo Car They Kept Showing on Cable News.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And to those of you in the National Guard who have been thrust into this: When Donald Trump orders you to do something that you know is immoral, try to get your dad’s podiatrist to write a note to say you have bone spurs.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The president of the United States has been tougher on L.A. than on Russia. Remember that two-week deadline he gave Putin to sit down for peace talks with Ukraine? As of tomorrow, it’s two weeks. But, by all means, send the Marines to The Grove.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump’s terrible policy has generated a huge backlash, which he’s responded to by overreacting, which is going to generate another backlash. We don’t know how this is going to end, but at least we know it’ll be a huge waste of money.” — DESI LYDIC“I just want to say, thank God for President Trump and the heroes at ICE for protecting us from these bloodthirsty fruit stand vendors, spreading their dangerous pineapple chunks and mangos with a squirt of lime all over the city.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Meanwhile on Fox News Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Revels in Trump and Musk’s Public Feud

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      Stephen Colbert indulged in schadenfreude as he described the back-and-forth as a “full-scale flame war” between “the world’s most famous besties.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Up in FlamesPresident Donald Trump addressed Elon Musk’s comments about his policy bill on Thursday while appearing alongside the chancellor of Germany. Trump expressed disappointment in the Tesla chief, stating that Musk was upset about the absence of a mandate for electric vehicles.Stephen Colbert described the back-and-forth as a “full-scale flame war” between “the world’s most famous besties.”“So now Donald Trump is a Tesla owner who hates Elon Musk? He’s never been more relatable.” — STEPHEN COLBERTTrump stoked the flames on social media, writing that Musk “went crazy” when he was asked to leave the White House.“Just so we’re clear, Trump thinks everything Elon did before this was not crazy?” — JIMMY FALLON“I can’t believe their relationship fell apart this fast. I mean, a week ago they were all over each other like Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner at a Knicks game.” — JIMMY FALLON“But Trump didn’t stop there. He also said that the easiest way for the country to save money would be to terminate all of Elon Musk’s government contracts. Smart, now the future of space exploration rests on Katy Perry.” — JIMMY FALLON“Elon’s government contracts can’t be worth that much. Oh, it’s $6.3 billion last year? Elon, you idiot. This is why you always sign a prenup.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Meanwhile, Elon’s, like, ‘Come on, man, don’t do this. I have 100 kids to feed.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump said he’s very disappointed in Elon because he has ‘helped him a lot.’ Trump was, like, ‘[imitating Trump] Just last year, I let him give me $300 million, and he didn’t even say thank you.’” — JIMMY FALLONOn X, Musk dropped what he called “the really big bomb,” alleging that the president has not released the Jeffrey Epstein files because he is named in them.“I feel bad for Donald Trump. I mean, first, he lost Jeffrey Epstein, now, Elon. He’s running out of friends.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump’s going to have to get one of those bumper stickers for his Tesla that says ‘I bought this before Elon told everyone I was on Epstein’s plane.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Stephen Colbert Wonders if Elon Musk’s Ketamine Has Worn Off

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      It’s the only explanation the “Late Show” host can think of for the tech mogul’s apparent disenchantment with the Trump administration.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘I Have How Many Children?’The hosts got more monologue material on Wednesday from the presumed tensions between President Trump and Elon Musk, after the tech mogul and recently departed D.O.G.E. chief criticized Trump’s policy bill.“Apparently, the ketamine has worn off,” Stephen Colbert said.“That’s got to be a hell of a hangover. ‘[imitating Musk] Oh, my god. I spent $300 million to elect who? I have how many children? That can’t be their names.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I’m starting to worry that two narcissistic megalomaniacs with a total inability to see value in other humans might have a hard time making friends.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Musk was reportedly ‘butthurt’ — and yes, they did use that word, it is a quote — about some of the stuff that’s in the bill. Usually when Elon’s butt hurts, it’s because of all the drugs he is trying to smuggle through White House security.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I keep waiting to see Musk on a one-way SpaceX to El Salvador.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“‘I hear he is furious’ is the safest bet anyone could make when describing Donald Trump’s reaction to criticism. Let me know when someone says, ‘Insiders reporting that Donald Trump looking inward; reflecting on what role he may have played in turning his friend against him.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Fine Print Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Hopes Trump and Musk Can Patch Things Up

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      “Oh, no, not my two favorite people fighting!” said the “Daily Show” host Michael Kosta. “Don’t make me choose who I love more.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Big, Beautiful and DisgustingOn Tuesday, Elon Musk expressed his displeasure on X over President Trump’s “big, beautiful” domestic policy bill, calling it a “disgusting abomination” and shaming House members who’d voted for it. On “The Daily Show,” Michael Kosta said it was sad that “two men who previously had never had a friend” were seeing their relationship get “D.O.G.E.’d.”“Oh, no, not my two favorite people fighting! Don’t make me choose who I love more.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“I’m not sure who to root for. It’s like Diddy versus R. Kelly.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But, yes, Elon is worried that Trump’s bill will raise the deficit too high. And when Elon is worried about something getting too high, you know it’s too high.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Boy, when he’s off the ketamine, he is a lot less fun.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And he may be right, but Elon has to be careful. You come out that hard against Trump’s central legislative achievement, and you’re going to be the first white person to get deported.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Shame on those who voted for it? Who bankrolled these people that voted for it? I want the name of whoever bankrolled — oh, wait, it’s his name.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Just days after leaving his official role at the White House, Elon Musk is now blasting President Trump’s ‘big, beautiful bill’ as a ‘disgusting abomination.’ And that’s coming from the guy who made the Cybertruck.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, Elon called it ‘massive,’ ‘outrageous’ and ‘pork-filled.’ And Trump was, like, ‘[imitating Trump] I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’ll take two.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (New Portrait, Who Dis? Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Seth Meyers Thinks Trump Shouldn’t Be So Set on That Jet

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      “We are, as of this taping, still a democracy with a rule of law,” Meyers said. “The president shouldn’t have a flying gold-plated party palace.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Size QueenPresident Donald Trump defended his choice to accept a jet from Qatar, saying that America should have the biggest, most impressive plane out of all the countries.“No, we shouldn’t,” Seth Meyers argued on Wednesday. “We are, as of this taping, still a democracy with a rule of law. The president shouldn’t have a flying gold-plated party palace.”“Stuff like that is a sign of corruption. That’s why Las Vegas looks like that — it was built by criminals.” — SETH MEYERS“The point is, they have nicer planes because they’re not democracies; they’re royal kingdoms, where they oppress people and use the public’s money to build opulent palaces for their rulers. We don’t do that here. If you ask me, the president should be forced to fly the same way the rest of us do. He should have to sit at Newark for six hours nursing a $30 Bloody Mary, and chewing on a pretzel while he waits for the one on-duty air traffic controller’s hands to stop shaking.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump should have a big plane because Trump definitely does not have a little plane. It’s definitely at least an average American male plane.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Plus, I will tell you what, a lot of countries say that a smaller plane is actually more comfortable for longer rides.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“We still talking about planes? Look where we are on the tarmac next to each other. I know you’re not supposed to just look straight ahead, but I took a little peek over there, a little peek over there. Cockpit was huge, man!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I’m sorry, why does the president need any of this? Air Force One is supposed to be technologically advanced, not luxurious. It’s designed so the president can get national security briefings anywhere in the world, not so he can chill on leather couches and use nine different bathrooms — which, by the way, he might need to do on the way home based on the fact that the Saudis set up a custom-built mobile McDonald’s in anticipation of Trump’s visit.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Humps for Trump Edition)“When Trump landed in Qatar, he was escorted by a fleet of Cybertrucks, Arabian horses and camels. And even the horses and camels were laughing at the Cybertruck.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, Trump was welcomed by horses and camels. He was like, ‘I love the horses and the sexier horses.’” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More