“Finally!” Colbert said. “Up until now, the most serious charge any of these guys has gotten is impersonating a Flintstone.”
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Just Like Fred
On Thursday, the Justice Department charged 11 Oath Keepers with seditious conspiracy in connection with the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the Capitol.
“Finally!” Stephen Colbert said. “Up until now, the most serious charge any of these guys has gotten is impersonating a Flintstone.”
“You know how your mother used to say if your friend jumped off a bridge, would you jump, too? These are people who answered ‘Yes.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“This is huge! Seditious conspiracy is no slap on the wrist — it’s a charge of inciting rebellion against the federal government that carries a maximum penalty of 20 years in prison. That’s pretty bad. That’s pretty bad, I’ve got to say, but somehow it feels like it should be more. Like, if you tried to take the government down, you should go away for longer than one Billie Eilish.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“And hopefully, one day, the Feds will learn the identity of that shadowy figure who was the president who told them to do it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Today in Joe Biden Edition)
“President Biden had a bad day. You know that vaccine mandate he rolled out last year? The one that required companies with more than 100 employees to get their workers vaccinated or tested regularly? Well, that was struck down by the Supreme Court today. The conservative majority ruled that Biden’s mandate went too far, and our individual right to get Covid from the worst person at work has been preserved.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“What the hell, Supremes? What — what do you know about large employers? You’re a small business with nine workers whose dress code is ankle-length Hefty bag.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Well, guys, big news from Washington today as President Biden finally delivered a major update on his administration’s Covid response. Yeah, just like most phone updates, Biden kept hitting ‘ignore’ until he had no choice.” — JIMMY FALLON
“That’s right, we’re all getting masks. Last year, we got 1,200 bucks; this year, cloth and a rubber band.” — JIMMY FALLON
“The White House says N95 masks are the most protective, which is too bad, because I assumed the bedazzled ones I bought on Etsy were 100 percent Covid proof.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Yeah, the N95 masks should be helpful. Unfortunately, out of habit, whenever somebody says, ‘N95,’ Biden calls out, ‘Bingo.’”— JIMMY FALLON
The Bits Worth Watching
Jimmy Fallon and Questlove played Thursday’s Wordle on “The Tonight Show.”
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Source: Television - nytimes.com