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      Stephen Colbert is Underwhelmed by Nikki Haley’s Big Announcement

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      “As she said in her campaign announcement tweet, ‘Get excited,’” Colbert said on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Nicky Fail-y’Former Gov. Nikki Haley of South Carolina announced she’s running for president early Tuesday morning.“Of course, any campaign veteran will tell you there is no better time to drop the biggest political news of your life than on Valentine’s Day at 6:48 a.m.” Stephen Colbert said. “Yeah, a day everyone’s thinking about something else at a time when no one is awake.”“The only way this could make a smaller splash is if Haley had whispered it into a bowl of soup.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“As she said in her campaign announcement tweet ‘Get excited.’ A grateful pass.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But this is going to be a tough race for Nikki Haley. Right now, she’s polling at just one percent, and that’s pretty bad. I mean, you know, even Mike Pence is at two percent. Mike Pence’s noose rope is at five percent, which is V.P. material.” — SARAH SILVERMAN“She said she believes the Republican Party needs to go in a new direction. I think you’d have more luck convincing a swarm of moths to go in a new direction. The whole ‘towards the light’ thing isn’t really working.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Haley is the first prominent Republican to challenge Donald Trump, she’s the first female governor of South Carolina and the first candidate to spell her name like the bass player from Mötley Crüe, so …” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Now I guess this means Trump has to come up with a mean nickname for her. ‘Cuz right now he’s pacing around Mar-a-Lago going ‘Sicky Nikki? Nikki Fail-y? Oh, Nikki Epic Fail-y?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Today, former Trump cabinet member Nikki Haley announced that she is running for president. Yep. She served in Trump’s cabinet, which is listed on her website in very, very small font.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Folder Enthusiast Edition)“A lawyer for former President Trump said recently that Trump was using a manila folder marked ‘classified’ to block a small light on a landline phone next to his bed. Even weirder: all the ones that he taped up to use in place of curtains.” — SETH MEYERS“I don’t know, maybe use an eye mask, get a, you know, a different bedside phone, put a Post-it on it?” — JAMES CORDEN“Basically, he’s saying, ‘I’m not a traitor, I’m a hoarder!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Which is more embarrassing for Trump: the fact that he kept top-secret documents or admitting he collects folders? I mean, how dull do you have to be to be a folder enthusiast?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The worst thing about this story is now I’m picturing Trump in bed on a landline phone talking to Tucker Carlson, sort of twirling the cord around his finger going, ‘No, you hang up!’” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingThe actress Alison Brie recreated a Valentine’s Day memory from high school on Tuesday’s “Late Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe NBA legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar will sit down with Sarah Silverman on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutA museum in Croatia displays mementos and stories of people’s failed relationships.via Museum of Broken RelationshipsThe Museum of Broken Relationships in Croatia collects mementos people around the world send in symbolizing their failed romances. More

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      Late Night Recaps Rihanna’s Super Bowl Halftime Surprise

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      Jimmy Kimmel called the pop singer’s pregnancy reveal “the biggest ‘we’re expecting’ announcement in the history of the world.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Super Bowl, Baby!Rihanna’s Super Bowl halftime show was popular with late-night hosts on Monday, who praised the pop star for performing while pregnant.Jimmy Kimmel called the reveal “what has to be the biggest ‘we’re expecting’ announcement in the history of the world.”“She had a baby in May and now has another one in the oven. So, if you are one of those 19 million people who called in sick to work today, Rihanna last night had a 9-month-old in her dressing room, she was eight millimeters dilated, still managed to get out there and do her job.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Rihanna did a Super Bowl halftime show while pregnant. Meanwhile, everyone at home on their 30th chicken wing was like, ‘I also felt a kick.’” — JIMMY FALLON“During her halftime show performance at last night’s Super Bowl, Rihanna revealed that she was pregnant, while the rest of us just ate like we were.” — SETH MEYERS“Imagine it’s the first day of kindergarten and your fun fact is that you’ve done the Super Bowl halftime show.” — JIMMY FALLON“Seriously, did you see that, pregnant women? Did you see it? Rihanna just did a Super Bowl halftime show while pregnant, and you want my seat on the subway? Not anymore, toots. No way. The bar has been raised, so hold it.” — SARAH SILVERMAN, this week’s “Daily Show” guest host“Not only did she sound great, she closed the performance by — I don’t know if you saw this — really incredible, she closed the show by shooting down one of those U.F.O.s.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Alien Balloons Edition)“Last night was Super Bowl 57, and, out of habit, Biden shot down the Goodyear blimp.” — SETH MEYERS“All of a sudden, there are more U.F.O.s than Chick-fil-A’s now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I never in a million years thought I’d say this — where the hell is the Space Force?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, nothing’s off the table. It could be aliens, it could be balloons, or it could be alien balloons.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The White House today announced they formed an interagency team to look into what’s going on. After initially refusing to rule it out, today they said they do not believe these are extraterrestrial visits, which is exactly what they say at the beginning of every movie about extraterrestrial visits.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingLizz Winstead, the co-creator of “The Daily Show,” talked with her friend Sarah Silverman about creating comedy news, and her organization that advocates for reproductive justice.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightPaul Rudd, who stars in “Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania,” will sit down with Seth Meyers on Tuesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutThe late Celia Cruz performing in New York in 2001. The multiple Grammy Award winner is one of five honorees of the American Women Quarters Program, the U.S. Mint said.Scott Gries/Getty ImagesThe Queen of Salsa, Celia Cruz, will be the first Afro-Latina to be featured on the U.S. quarter. More

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      Jimmy Fallon Jokes That President Biden’s Document Drama Is a ‘Humblebrag’

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      “First, they searched near Biden’s Corvette, now they’re searching his beach house,” Fallon said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Search ContinuesThe F.B.I. conducted a search of President Biden’s family vacation home in Rehoboth Beach, Del., on Wednesday but found no classified documents.“First, they searched near Biden’s Corvette, now they’re searching his beach house. I’m starting to think Biden created this whole scandal as a humblebrag,” Jimmy Fallon said.“[imitating Biden] ‘Why don’t you check by my infinity pool? Maybe there’s something behind the Picasso, I don’t know.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Biden’s attorneys found documents at his main house in Delaware last month, and the president has a regular house and a vacation house, both in Delaware. I don’t know — how’s that a vacation? Can you vacation from Delaware to Delaware?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“They didn’t find anything classified, but they did find a 1982 Zenith TV and three boxes of Parcheesi.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The F.B.I. reportedly searched President Biden’s Delaware beach house today as part of the ongoing investigation into his handling of classified documents. And I think he might be getting nervous, because he said, ‘You know what you should be searching? Hunter’s laptop! Crazy stuff in there!’” — SETH MEYERS“Speaking of Biden, today the White House announced that he will get his annual physical on Feb. 16. It’s going to be crazy after Biden’s colonoscopy when the doctor says, ‘There’s no easy way to tell you this, but we found more classified documents.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Bye-Bye, Brady Edition)“Tom Brady announced he’s decided to retire, but for real this time. Every year on the first of February, Tom Brady comes out of the locker room to announce his retirement. Then if he sees his shadow, he goes right back to the N.F.L.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This dude retires more than Cher.” — D.L. HUGHLEY, guest host of “The Daily Show”“He was around for a long time. Let’s just say Brady was the only active N.F.L. player to see ‘Top Gun’ 1 and 2 in theaters.” — JIMMY FALLON“Brady is done and, in a related story, tickets to next year’s Buccaneers games are now free.” — JIMMY FALLON“Brady is moving on to bigger and better things. Yesterday, he was walking the red carpet for the premiere of his new film ‘80 for Brady.’ I hear it went pretty well until he tucked Rita Moreno under his arm and spiked her in the end zone.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Sadly, without football, he’s going to have to fill his days with nothing but being insanely rich, accomplished, fit, handsome and single.” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingD.L. Hughley quizzed people in a man-on-the-street segment about Black History Month for “The Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightJonathan Groff, who stars in “Knock at the Cabin,” will appear on Thursday’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.”Also, Check This OutOscar Isaac and Rachel Brosnahan will lead the cast of the stage revival of a Lorraine Hansberry play. Erik Tanner for The New York TimesOscar Isaac and Rachel Brosnahan will star in the first major New York revival of Lorraine Hansberry’s 1964 Broadway play “The Sign in Sidney Brustein’s Window” at BAM this month. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Puts Mike Lindell Inside a Claw Machine

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      The MyPillow founder and election denier wanted to appear on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” again, but the host had one condition.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Man in the MachineMike Lindell, the MyPillow founder, who known for his elaborate conspiracy theories about the 2020 election, returned to “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Tuesday, complying with Kimmel’s one condition: that he appear inside a claw machine at an arcade.In his monologue, Kimmel joked that the mustachioed Lindell was “here to finally answer the question: ‘What if Ted Lasso was on the F.B.I. watch list?’”“I do want to make something clear. I did not insist that Mike be in a claw machine because he’s not vaccinated; I insisted he be in a claw machine because it’s hilarious. This isn’t a political statement — this is just for fun.” — JIMMY KIMMELKimmel asked Lindell about his recent failed campaign for the chairmanship of the Republican National Committee. But Lindell kept bringing the conversation back to his insistence that machines had rigged the 2020 election.“First question, Mike, is why do you think people don’t take you seriously?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Mike, I know that you’re distrustful of machines. Now that you’re inside one, do you feel differently?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine, they’re cool, right?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know, one of the differences between you and the claw machine is claw machines let go. And you will not let go of this voting thing, will you?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (That’s a Wrap Edition)“President Biden informed Congress yesterday that he will officially end the coronavirus pandemic emergency declaration in May, which means that everyone can finally stop wearing their mask a year ago.” — SETH MEYERS“The timing makes sense. Might as well squeeze in one more spring break public health emergency for old time’s sake.” — JAMES CORDEN“Take that, Covid, we beat you. Shove that up your nose and rotate it five times!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This has been a long time coming. I wish you could see the smiles on the faces in my audience. And I wish I could, too, because they’re still wearing masks.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I’m pretty sure the public ended the health emergency a while ago. Today, I saw a guy open a Starbucks bathroom with his tongue.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Daily Show” correspondent Jordan Klepper spoke with superfans of Donald Trump in South Carolina, some of whom insist he is still in office.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe newly minted Oscar nominee Jenny Slate will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Late Show with James Corden.”Also, Check This OutBonnie Raitt has won 10 Grammys since 1979. She’s up for four awards on Sunday, including song of the year.Peter Fisher for The New York TimesBonnie Raitt has been nominated for four Grammys this year, including her first for songwriting. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Takes on Trump’s ‘Sad’ Return to the Campaign Trail

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      Kimmel called Donald Trump’s 2024 campaign “the political equivalent of when Michael Jordan went to play for the Wizards.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Diet Trump’Former President Trump is back on the stump, kicking off his 2024 presidential campaign over the weekend with events in New Hampshire and South Carolina.Jimmy Kimmel said watching Trump return to campaigning was “sad,” calling it “the political equivalent of when Michael Jordan went to play for the Wizards.”“Former President Trump kicked off his 2024 campaign on Saturday at the New Hampshire Republican Party’s annual meeting and said, ‘I’m more angry now, and I’m more committed now than I ever was’ — though it’s never a good sign when your opening pitch is, ‘I’m blind with rage.’” — SETH MEYERS“Trump also warned that if Ron DeSantis runs for president, he would consider it a great act of disloyalty. And, you know, loyalty means everything to the guy who cheated on his third wife with a porn star and thought it might be cool to hang his vice president.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Speaking of DeSantis, I saw that he’s actively preparing for a possible presidential run, and he hasn’t landed on an official slogan yet, but he’s trying a few out. First, there’s ‘DeSantis 2024: Diet Trump.’ Next, there’s ‘DeSantis 2024: DeAmerica DeTruly DeDeServes DeDeSantis.’ And finally, ‘DeSantis 2024: Make America Florida Again.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Brotherly Love Edition)“Guys, I want to say congrats to the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles on advancing to Super Bowl LVII. Yeah, to all the Chiefs fans, I want to say, ‘Congratulations.’ To all the Eagles fans, I want to say, ‘Good morning.’” — JIMMY FALLON“You can tell Philly partied hard last night because today the Rocky statue is holding up Tylenol and a Gatorade.” — JIMMY FALLON“Of course, everyone in Kansas City is just as pumped. This is the Chiefs’ third Super Bowl appearance in the last four years. Even Tom Brady is like, ‘Hey, give someone else a chance.’” — JIMMY FALLON“This is interesting, Travis Kelce is going to be playing against his brother in the Super Bowl. His older brother, Jason, plays center for the Eagles. It’s the first time two brothers have ever competed in the Super Bowl against each other, which, that has got to be tough for their parents. I mean, no matter who wins, they’ve gotta take them both to Disneyland, right?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s already a history-making game because Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce and Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce will become the first brothers to face off against each other in a Super Bowl. But not the first time family members have played each other. Who can forget the dramatic playoffs matchup between Joe and Hannah Montana?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is really high stakes because they’re playing for who gets the top bunk.” — JAMES CORDEN“Maybe this is how Prince William and Prince Harry should sort out their issues.” — JAMES CORDEN“I would tell them, I would sit them down and say, ‘Boys, whoever wins is the son we love more and that’s that.’ That’s how Trump does it.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThis week’s “Daily Show” guest host, D.L. Hughley, spoke with Ibram X. Kendi and Nic Stone, co-authors of “How to Be a (Young) Antiracist,” on Monday night.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe actress Jessica Chastain, who stars in Showtime’s “George and Tammy,” will chat with Stephen Colbert on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutJennifer Coolidge and her character’s rant about murderous “gays” are featured in a popular dance mash-up of the theme song from the show “The White Lotus.”Fabio Lovino/HBODanceable remixes of “The White Lotus” theme song have become a hit in music venues and dance clubs. More

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      ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ Celebrates 20 Years on Air

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      Kimmel reminisced about his show’s highs and lows on its milestone anniversary.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ Turns 20“Jimmy Kimmel Live” celebrated its 20th anniversary on Thursday with a special prime-time episode. During his monologue, Kimmel read from early reviews that panned the show and said “very few people expected us to make it this far, but we did. One reason he cited: “I made a great deal with the devil.”“When we started, there were no iPhones. There was no YouTube, there was no Uber, no Twitter, no Wi-Fi, no Netflix, no Google. We had Nokias and Ask Jeeves, and that was it. We’ve been through two wars, a worldwide pandemic, four presidents, one insurrection, at least three different Kanyes.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You want to know how long our show has been around? We still have — this is real — a Blockbuster card. That’s how long. If you told me we were going to last longer than Blockbuster, I would have sooner believed I would be working at Blockbuster in 20 years.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Every day, it takes a lot of people to make something this dumb, and we’ve covered a lot of dumb stuff over the past 20 years, from Snooki to Honey Boo Boo. Ken Bone to Sarah Palin. Sanjaya. Clay Aiken. ‘Chocolate Rain,’ double rainbow, Stormy Daniels, William Hung, the astronaut diaper lady. Kim Kardashian’s sex tape. Hulk Hogan’s sex tape. Pam and Tommy’s sex tape. The Octomom — I think she made a sex tape. Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I have been allowed to use this platform to speak out about issues that matter to me, like health care, sensible gun laws. I’ve encouraged thousands of parents to eat their children’s Halloween candy.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Facebook Edition)“After a two-year suspension, Meta is reinstating former President Trump’s Facebook and Instagram accounts. Trump hasn’t been on Facebook for two years, so, pretty much just like the rest of us.” — JIMMY FALLON“I mean, letting Trump back on Facebook is crazy. You’re just asking for trouble. It’s like letting Hannibal Lecter babysit your most delicious child.” — WANDA SYKES“Look, we all know Facebook is losing a ton of money, and they want that Trump attention back. They need a hit. Trump is their ‘White Lotus.’” — WANDA SYKES“Well, yeah, that’s a punishment for all of us! If you’ll remember, back in 2021, the ex-president got kicked off of the platform for a Facebook violation known as trying to overthrow the U.S. government.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Meta, what are you thinking? You can’t allow him to post conspiracy theories on Facebook — that’s your mom’s friend’s job.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So what are these new rules? For starters, the ex-president will be required to follow Meta’s updated community guidelines, which prohibit violence and incitement, fraud and deception, and hate speech. So, all of the former president’s love languages.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingStephen Colbert and his “Late Show” guest Tom Hanks shared posters from new movies they may or may have not co-starred in.Also, Check This OutJoan Didion transcended ordinary literary fame to become a symbol of bicoastal chic and, with her husband, John Gregory Dunne, an ideal of intellectual-conjugal partnership.The archives of Joan Didion and John Gregory Dunne/New York Public LibraryThe New York Public Library has acquired Joan Didion’s papers from her joint archive with her husband, John Gregory Dunne. More

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      Late Night Responds to Biden’s Decision to Send Tanks to Ukraine

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      Stephen Colbert said that for Volodymyr Zelensky’s birthday on Wednesday, “Joe Biden got him exactly what he asked for.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Giving TanksThe Biden administration announced plans to send M1 Abrams tanks to Ukraine, after weeks of negotiations to persuade Germany to offer its own advanced battle tanks in the war against Russia.Stephen Colbert celebrated the birthday of Volodymyr Zelensky, the Ukrainian president, on Wednesday, saying, “Joe Biden got him exactly what he asked for.”“This wasn’t exactly a huge surprise — Zelensky kind of figured it out while it was still wrapped.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Abrams is a game changer for this war in Ukraine. It’s a state-of-the-art battle tank that weighs 70 tons. It is capable of speeds up to 42 miles an hour. Plus, it comes with a free month of Sirius XM, so while you’re breaching enemy lines, you can listen to Stern.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Pentagon officials have been reluctant to send the Abrams, but then they changed their minds, after Germany agreed to send its Leopard battle tanks to Ukraine, making this the first time anyone in Europe has said, ‘Good news — the German tanks are rolling in!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Because, you know, it’s not a great look just when it’s German tanks rolling across Europe. Kind of makes people nervous.” — WANDA SYKES“I think it should have been Sweden. Yeah. And they send tanks to Ukraine and Russia. OK, hear me out, hear me out: And then Sweden, do that thing you do where you send the tanks in parts with a diagram for assembling them. Yeah. See? See, that would bring the countries together because no one could assemble that [expletive] on their own.” — WANDA SYKESThe Punchiest Punchlines (Certifiable Edition)“Former Vice President Mike Pence’s lawyer reportedly found close to a dozen classified documents last week at Pence’s Indiana home. And when Pence heard that, he stayed white as a ghost.” — SETH MEYERS“Man, this is starting to feel like the beginning of the pandemic. You hear about one case, then another and before you know it, we’re all going to be locked in our apartments wiping down our mail, terrified that some classified documents are going to get in.” — SETH MEYERS“The Justice Department has now launched an investigation into the dozen classified documents found at former Vice President Mike Pence’s Indiana home, and, more specifically, why was Joe Biden keeping them there?” — SETH MEYERS“While a lot of Republicans are mad at Pence, the former V.P. got a boost from the former pres, who truthed: ‘Mike Pence is an innocent man. He never did anything knowingly dishonest in his life.’ Adding, ‘which is why I tried to have him killed.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe actress Nia Long sat down with Wanda Sykes on Wednesday’s “Daily Show” to talk about her two new projects, the Netflix comedy “You People” and the techno-thriller “Missing.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightJimmy Kimmel will celebrate the 20th anniversary of his show in prime time on Thursday, with guests from his first episode: George Clooney, Snoop Dogg and a musical performance by Coldplay.Also, Check This OutNatasha Lyonne is a human lie detector in “Poker Face,” a new Peacock series inspired by vintage case-of-the-week shows.Karolina Wojtasik/PeacockNatasha Lyonne turns into a working-class sleuth in Peacock’s new detective show, “Poker Face.” More

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      Late Night Riffs on Mike Pence and His Classified Documents

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      Jimmy Kimmel said the papers were found in a box with “a four-pack of Zima and Polaroids of Mother dressed in her swimming costume.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not So Classified After AllLast week, a lawyer for former Vice President Mike Pence found a dozen classified documents at Pence’s home in Indiana.On Tuesday, Jimmy Kimmel joked that the documents were found “in a box with some of his other secret items, including a four-pack of Zima and Polaroids of Mother dressed in her swimming costume.”“According to his lawyer, they discovered the documents in January. Pence, they say, immediately alerted the National Archives, and the F.B.I. came to pick them up. The lawyers found the documents in, of all places, Mike’s kitchen, behind the Pence family mayonnaises.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The craziest part about these documents that were found: They were found stuffed between a dozen Wu-Tang albums.” — JIMMY FALLON“These are crazy times. Right now, Walgreens has deodorant behind a locked case, while classified documents are laying around like J. Crew catalogs all over the house.” — JIMMY FALLON“I’m starting to wonder if I have classified documents in my house.” — JAMES CORDEN“Wow. That is tough news for Mike Pence and fantastic news for Joe Biden.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“OK, so they’re just in every home? That’s the only thing that makes sense anymore. When you buy a new house and you move in, there’s just classified documents sitting on the counter next to that half-roll of paper towels and box of baking soda?” — SETH MEYERS“Is everyone just handed a box when they leave the White House? Like, ‘Thanks for coming, here’s some state secrets.’” — JAMES CORDEN“He says he took them home by accident, and they were found by one of his lawyers, who Pence asked to conduct the search of his home out of an abundance of caution. An ‘abundance of caution’ is also why Mike Pence leaves the room when TV commercials come on.— STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (And the Nominees Are Edition)“Today, the nominations were announced for the 95th Academy Awards. Yeah. Leading the way with 11 nominations is the movie ‘Everything Everywhere All at Once.’ It’s a film about all the places they found President Biden’s classified documents.” — JIMMY FALLON“The film that scored the most nominations was ‘Everything Everywhere All at Once,’ which is up for best picture along with ‘Top Gun,’ ‘Avatar 2,’ ‘Elvis’ and six movies no one has seen, including a movie called ‘Triangle of Sadness,’ which I always thought was a slice of Papa John’s pizza.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Now, as usual, there was good news and bad news. Good news: Michelle Yeoh became the first Asian woman nominated for best actress. But, bad news: No women were nominated for best director. Yeah. But remember, they gave it to Jane Campion last year, so I guess this year, they thought, ‘Eh, that should hold you broads for the next 50 years.’” — WANDA SYKES“James Cameron’s ‘Avatar 2’ didn’t get a best director nomination for Cameron, even though his movie was nominated for best picture, which is what you get for making us put on those dumb glasses for four hours.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“With his nomination for ‘The Fablemans,’ Steven Spielberg extended his record as the only person nominated for best director in six different decades. Yeah. Yeah. Six different decades. But what has he done besides that?” — JAMES CORDEN“This is a big movie for him. In fact, Spielberg is already spinning the film off into its own franchise. Look out for this in theaters this summer: ‘2 Fast, 2 Fablemans.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingThe recurring “Leave Him Alone Guy” zeroed in on George Santos on Tuesday’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightKeke Palmer will appear on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutA few protesters, including plaintiffs in a lawsuit against Ticketmaster, gathered outside the Capitol during the hearing Tuesday.Kenny Holston/The New York TimesTaylor Swift fans gathered outside the Capitol to protest Ticketmaster during Tuesday’s Senate Judiciary Committee hearing about anticompetitive behavior in the ticketing industry. More