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      Jimmy Kimmel Wants to Be Included in Trump’s Gag Order

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      “I don’t know about you — I saw the whole thing happen,” Kimmel said Monday, wondering who counted as a witness in Trump’s election interference case.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trump Gets GaggedA judge imposed a limited gag order on former President Donald Trump on Monday, barring him from publicly attacking court staff members, specific prosecutors and witnesses involved in the federal case over his efforts to overturn the 2020 election.Jimmy Kimmel wondered who exactly counted as a witness, telling viewers, “I don’t know about you — I saw the whole thing happen.”“Trump’s lawyer said he had no intention of intimidating any witnesses or court staff, including the judge, Tanya Chutkan, the one who lives at 2747 Maple View Lane, white Nissan Sentra parked outside.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, Trump is prohibited from posting statements about the special counsel, his staff, the judge’s staff, witnesses and, here’s where it gets worse for him: windmills, windmills killing birds, windmills killing whales, windmills killing birds that come back to life and kill whales, toilets, toilets that don’t flush, toilets that do flush, and toilets that flush louder than windmills killing killer whales that come back to life to kill birds.” — SETH MEYERS“Good luck getting Donald Trump to stop talking. The guy is probably still spilling national secrets, just out on the golf course like, [imitating Trump] ‘Should I go with a 4-iron or a 5-iron? That reminds me, four and five — first two numbers in the nuclear codes. And guess what numbers come next? You’ll never guess; I’ll just tell you.’” — MICHAEL KOSTA“But even with this gag order, Trump’s still allowed to disparage the Justice Department, President Biden and other perceived enemies as long as what he says doesn’t directly reference his case, which, that should be no problem. This is a man who chooses his words very carefully.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Speak For Yourself Edition)“Jim Jordan has been in Congress for 16 years. He hasn’t sponsored a single bill that passed. For real — zero bills passed in 16. Even George Santos is like, ‘You suck, man.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But these Republicans are in a tough spot. I mean, either they cave to the extremists in their party who want to impeach Joe Biden and hand Ukraine over to Putin, or they work with the Democrats who want to fight climate change and give sick people health care. So it’s a no-win situation, really. “ — JIMMY KIMMEL“You could not pick a worse man for speaker of the House, and keep in mind the G.O.P. just had Kevin McCarthy, so they tried.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, Republicans and Democrats are talking about a bipartisan solution to finding a speaker. That’s how crazy things have gotten; our government is so dysfunctional, it might become functional.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingUma Thurman and Jimmy Fallon compared notes about parenting daughters on Monday’s “The Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightRachel Maddow will discuss her new book, “Prequel: An American Fight Against Fascism,” on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutMadonna performing in London on Saturday, her first time on the road since 2020.Kevin Mazur/WireImage for Live NationMadonna’s career-spanning Celebration Tour is a bona fide dance party to the pop icon’s biggest hits. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Mocks George Santos

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      “Santos likes Jordan because when Jim Jordan sees a crime, he keeps his mouth shut,” Kimmel joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Missed ConnectionsLate night shows were taped before the news broke Thursday evening about Steve Scalise withdrawing as a candidate for speaker of the House. Instead, most hosts chose to poke fun at Representative George Santos for a social media post on Wednesday refusing to support Steve Scalise in favor of Jim Jordan.“It must have been very frustrating for George Santos sitting by the phone, waiting to hear from Scalise,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “You know, they only give you one call in prison.”“Santos then tweeted his support for Jim Jordan. Santos likes Jordan because when Jim Jordan sees a crime, he keeps his mouth shut.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Wow, I haven’t seen him this upset since he lost the N.B.A. championship to Michael Jordan and the Toon Squad.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“What a mess. The House only has until Nov. 17 to pass legislation to fund the government or there will be a shutdown. But they can’t do anything until they have a speaker. In the meantime, we’re all just waiting around like we’re customers in line at the CVS pharmacy window: ‘Any chance we’ll get our insulin?’ Not looking good.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Not-So-Hot Mic Edition)”Speaking of fools, Donald Trump.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Last night, he addressed the horrific terrorist attack on Israel by attacking Israel.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Capt. Bone Spurs gave a doozy of a speech where, among other things, he said Hamas would never have gone into Israel if his election hadn’t been rigged. He called Israel’s defense minister a jerk. He did some ax-grinding about Netanyahu and had some complimentary words about Israel’s enemies in Lebanon. He’s really angling for that Nobel Piece of [expletive] Prize.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“[imitating Trump] This is my worst mic since Pence!” — JIMMY FALLON, on Trump’s complaints about a microphone that he then refused to pay for“It’s always fun to see him come up with new reasons not to pay people.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe comedian John Mulaney sat down with his friend Stephen Colbert to discuss his recovery and getting David Byrne to score his new comedy album, “Baby J.”Also, Check This Out“City of Ladies,” a show within a show, puts Judy Chicago’s bronze female figures and other works alongside a sisterhood of more than 80 inspirations.Judy Chicago/Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York; Photo by Clark Hodgin for The New York TimesSpanning four floors at the New Museum in New York, Judy Chicago’s “Herstory” show features the work of more than 80 artists and thinkers, including her own. More

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      Late Night Mocks House Dysfunction and George Santos

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      Jimmy Kimmel said that Republicans will be successful only if they can “accept the results of an election, and that’s really not their thing.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘One Step Closer to the Worst Job in the World’House Republicans “took a break from fake-impeaching Joe Biden” on Wednesday, Jimmy Kimmel said, to nominate Steve Scalise of Louisiana as their next speaker.“Scalise beat out Jim Jordan in a closed-door session and will now spend a night in the fantasy suite with Matt Gaetz to see how they hit it off,” Kimmel joked.“House Republicans today nominated majority leader Steve Scalise to be the next speaker, while next week’s speaker is still anyone’s guess!” — SETH MEYERS“The House majority chose Scalise by a vote of 113-99. It’s still unclear, though, if he has enough votes to win the speakership because that would require Republicans to accept the results of an election, and that’s really not their thing.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Congratulations, Steve. You are one step closer to having the worst job in the world. It’s just one rung below emptying the Porta-Potties at a chili cook-off.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So if you see white smoke coming from the Capitol Rotunda, it means they’ve either picked a new speaker or Lauren Boebert is vaping again.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Running Mate or Cell Mate Edition)“Federal prosecutors accused Republican Congressman George Santos yesterday of stealing campaign donors’ identities. But if you donated money to George Santos, you’re probably looking for a new identity anyway.” — SETH MEYERS“The latest round of charges brings the total number of counts against him to 23. Congratulations, George, 68 more and you can run for president.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Just to give that some perspective, the BTK killer only had 10 charges against him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Santos has been indicted on charges of conspiracy, wire fraud, falsifying records, and the most Photoshop ever used on a single headshot.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“In one instance, Santos allegedly stole a donor’s credit card number to transfer more than $11,000 to his own bank account. Zoinkers! Though people should’ve been tipped off by his slogan ‘Santos 2022: That’s my PIN number, what’s yours?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Congressman George Santos was just hit with 10 more criminal charges that accuse him of stealing his donors’ identities and credit cards. Santos was like, ‘Wait, am I not Henrietta Ellenberg from Youngstown, Ohio?’” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s wild. Santos is either going to wind up as Trump’s running mate or Trump’s cell mate.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth Watching“The Late Show” writer Felipe Torres Medina popped by Wednesday’s show for a quick game of “Hispanic or Latino!”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe “Saturday Night Live” star Bowen Yang will appear ahead of the show’s 49th season premiere on Thursday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutFrom left, J.J. Wynder, Mallori Taylor Johnson, Ngozi Anyanwu (standing) and Nicole Ari Parker in “The Refuge Plays,” at Laura Pels Theater.Jeenah Moon for The New York TimesNicole Ari Parker stars in Nathan Alan Davis’s new Off Broadway production of “The Refuge Plays.” More

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      Seth Meyers Is Unsure About a House Republican ‘Therapy Session’

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      “If being locked in a room with those people for two hours feels like therapy, you need to find a new therapist,” Meyers said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Family TherapyDivided House Republicans have been holding closed-door meetings to discuss electing a new speaker. One lawmaker referred to an intense two-hour discussion on Monday as a “therapy session.”“If being locked in a room with those people for two hours feels like therapy, you need to find a new therapist,” Seth Meyers said on Tuesday’s “Late Night.”“I would hate to be a therapist for the House Republicans: [imitating a therapist] ‘Um, OK. Normally I don’t say this to a patient, but you are all responsible for your parents’ divorce.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, they may have some competition for Kevin McCarthy’s old job, and it’s Kevin McCarthy.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Republicans will try to elect a new speaker of the House, and apparently Kevin McCarthy said that he would be willing to return as speaker. That’s right, Kevin McCarthy might run to replace Kevin McCarthy.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Prime Time Edition)“It’s October Prime Day on Amazon. It’s exclusively for Prime members, which is everyone in the world.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s that special day that only comes 12 times a year.” — JIMMY FALLON“They’ve got some great deals on some must-have items, like a pickle that yodels, a cat scratcher shaped like a tongue, a banana goose, a piece of plastic pork and a delicious can of Spam, maple flavored.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Joe Biden spent his October Prime Day trying to figure out where the hell this woman Alexa who keeps yelling at him is hiding.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe Roots free-styled songs from audience-supplied topics, like Taylor Swift fans and Halloween candy, on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe country music star Reba McEntire will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.”Also, Check This Out“I try to only do multicamera sitcoms,” James Burrows said. “If there’s two people talking, I want you laughing at what they’re saying, not admiring the beautiful cinematic camera moves.”Alex Welsh for The New York TimesJames Burrows, one of the creators of “Cheers,” is bringing Frasier Crane back to Boston with the new Paramount+ reboot of “Frasier.” More

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      Late Night Hosts Address the Hamas Attacks on Israel

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      Seth Meyers kept things serious, while Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel tried a touch of levity around a tough subject.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Sensitive MaterialLate night hosts addressed the Hamas attacks on Israel during Monday night’s monologues. On “The Late Show,” Stephen Colbert said his writers “didn’t even attempt to write jokes about this.”“The human mind simply refuses to do it. Even A.I. refused to do it,” Colbert said, adding that ChatGPT responded to a request by stating that “making jokes about such matters can easily be seen as insensitive, disrespectful, or offensive to those who are suffering as a result.’”“I, for one, want to commend our future robot overlords. That is a rare show of humanity from something that can’t identify which photos contain a traffic light.” — STEPHEN COLBERTSeth Meyers kept things serious but vague, saying that he wouldn’t “pretend to have any answers as to how to respond to a crisis like this.”“I will only say that in the moments when we are confronted with such evil, inhumane acts, we are most at risk of losing our own humanity. When we are justifiably blind with rage and sadness, we can make choices that will have massive, irrevocable impacts on the lives of our fellow man. It requires the absolute best of us, to think clearly in times like this. And I hope with all my heart the best of us can emerge in this time of unthinkable loss.” — SETH MEYERSJimmy Kimmel called it a “nightmare situation” earning condemnation from world leaders, including “our super-duper, pro-Israel former President Donald Trump,” who, Kimmel said, “immediately found a way to make it about himself.”“He wrote, ‘The horrible attack on Israel, much like the attack on Ukraine, would never have happened if I were president. Zero chance!’ That’s right, if he was president, we’d all be blissfully downing jiggers of bleach. There’d be no war anywhere.” — JIMMY KIMMELKimmel recapped statements Trump made at a Saturday rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, where he compared his physical prowess to President Biden’s.“On the day one of our closest allies is hit by a devastating terrorist attack, Trump is onstage talking about how much better his body is than Joe Biden’s.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Maybe instead of an election next year, we just have a wet T-shirt contest and end it.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Subpar Edition)“After leaving the White House, former President Trump reportedly shared details about the capabilities of U.S. nuclear submarines with an Australian billionaire, including how close they can sail to Russian vessels without being detected. Said Trump, ‘Oh, come on, I’m not an idiot — I told Putin first.’” — SETH MEYERS“Yes, he heard that the guy came from down under and he thought, ‘Well, that’s where the submarines are, down under. He should know. If anyone should know, I should tell the down under guy.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Trump was just sealing the deal, OK? Following the old sales mantra: A.B.C. — always be compromising national security.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“OK, that’s not right. You can’t just give away our classified secrets without trading for some of Australia’s classified secrets, like how they make the Bloomin’ Onion.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe Canadian indie rock band Metric performed their song “Just the Once” on Monday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightTroye Sivan, whose new album, “Something To Give Each Other,” will be released this week, will appear on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutMadonna, here on her Blond Ambition tour, isn’t interviewed in “Madonna: A Rebel Life,” but thanks to voluminous media coverage over her career, she has lots to say in the book.Gie Knaeps/Getty ImagesMary Gabriel’s new, three-pound biography, “Madonna: A Rebel Life,” is as thorough as the author could make it without interviewing her superstar subject. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Calls Matt Gaetz ‘the Least Popular Guy in Congress’

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      “Ted Cruz must be glowing,” Kimmel said on Thursday about the scorn piling onto Representative Matt Gaetz.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Tough CrowdWith Kevin McCarthy ousted as speaker this week, the polarizing Representative Matt Gaetz of Florida seems to be the House’s next target.On Thursday, Jimmy Kimmel called Gaetz “the least popular guy in Congress right now.”“Ted Cruz must be glowing.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Unfortunately, you can never really fully get rid of Matt Gaetz. You can only suppress him temporarily with Valtrex.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (TMI Edition)“In a new interview, Republican Senator Markwayne Mullin criticized Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz and said that Gaetz had bragged that he would crush erectile dysfunction medicine and ‘chase it with energy drinks so he could go all night.’ He added that sometimes, Gaetz would even have a woman with him.” — SETH MEYERS“Wow, they’re feeding on themselves. It’s like ‘Alien Vs. Sexual Predator.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Not only does Matt Gaetz definitely look like the spokesman for an E.D. medicine-infused energy drink, his name even has a ‘Z’ that you know is on the can.” — SETH MEYERS“So this guy is claiming Matt Gaetz was running around on the floor of the House showing his amateur porn to anybody he could find, to everybody who works with him. That makes him sound like the over-the-top bad employee example they use in H.R. training videos.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth Watching“The Tonight Show” hosted a Battle of the Instant Songwriters on Thursday, with audience members creating on-the-spot ditties about a haunted Airbnb and Taylor Swift’s relationship with the N.F.L. player Travis Kelce.Also, Check This OutClockwise from top left, Nathan Lane, Josh Sharp, Aaron Jackson and Megan Mullally in “Dicks: The Musical.”Justin Lubin/A24Nathan Lane and Megan Mullally star in “Dicks: The Musical,” an outrageous new comedy from A24. More

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      Late Night Hosts Roast Kevin McCarthy on His Way Out

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      “Nine months? I’ve been to Phish concerts longer than that,” Jimmy Fallon joked of McCarthy’s tenure as speaker of the House.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘The McCarthy Hearings’Kevin McCarthy was ousted as speaker of the House on Tuesday after only nine months in the job. The vote happened just in time for late night hosts to discuss it during their afternoon tapings.“Nine months? I’ve been to Phish concerts longer than that,” Jimmy Fallon joked.“Even Aaron Rodgers is, like, ‘Damn, that was fast.’” — JIMMY FALLON“After Matt Gaetz announced the motion to remove Kevin McCarthy, McCarthy said Gaetz has ‘personal things in his life that he has challenges with,’ like figuring out how to set his Venmo to private.” — SETH MEYERS“This was an unlikely and historic team-up between far-right Republicans and Democrats. Do you know how much you have to suck to get A.O.C. and Matt Gaetz on the same side of something?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And I’m sure this won’t be taken out of context when I say: I love the McCarthy Hearings.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Low-Rated Creeps of Late Night Edition)“In fairness, you can’t really argue with him — the man does know talentless, loser creeps. In fact, he fathered two of them.” — JIMMY KIMMEL, on Donald Trump’s Truth Social posts referring to late night hosts as “low-rated CREEPS of Late Night Television” and “true losers.”“This from a man who is such a loser, he buried his ex-wife on a golf course just so he could continue to cheat on her.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Thank you for watching, sir. But I’m not surprised. He’s a 77-year-old white guy — of course he’s watching CBS.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But I do have a question: ‘Low-rated creeps of late night’? How did he find out our original podcast title?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingAmber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel returned on Tuesday’s “Late Night” for another “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell” segment, this time about Black Barbies and lesbian wine bars.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe stand-up comedian and actor Wanda Sykes will appear on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“Jaja’s African Hair Braiding” at the Samuel J. Friedman Theater in Manhattan.Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesJocelyn Bioh’s Broadway debut, “Jaja’s African Hair Braiding,” is a riotously funny workplace comedy set in prepandemic, mid-Trump Harlem. More

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      Late Night Shows Return After Writers’ Strike Ends

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      “We’ve been gone so long, ‘The Bachelor’ is now a grandfather,” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Monday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.They’re BaaackLate night shows returned on Monday night for their first broadcasts since May, after a five-month writers’ strike ended last week. In their monologues, hosts expressed gratitude to be working again and caught up on some of the news that happened while they were sidelined.“We’ve been gone so long, ‘The Bachelor’ is now a grandfather,” Jimmy Kimmel joked.“The stalemate finally ended when the studios realized, ‘We’ve got to end this now, or it’s another three months of watching ‘Suits.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It was kind of weird coming back after being gone for five months. The studio was empty for so long, NBC converted it to a Spirit Halloween.” — JIMMY FALLON“I missed my writers so much. I was so happy — so happy to see them this morning. I will admit, by lunch, I was a little over it.” — SETH MEYERSWhile off the air, Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers and John Oliver collaborated on a podcast called “Strike Force Five,” with proceeds donated to their out-of-work staff members.“We still, by the way, have two episodes and thousands of T-shirts left to sell,” Kimmel said on Monday. “The strike ended exactly on the day we ordered the shirts and hats, so if you want one, go to StrikeForceFive.com, or I’ll be giving them out until Christmas 2045, OK?”Neither on the podcast nor on “The Tonight Show” did Jimmy Fallon mention an apology he issued in September after current and former employees reported experiencing a “toxic workplace” under his leadership. Instead, he focused on gratitude for viewers who choose “to have me in your bedrooms at nighttime.”“I’m more excited than the guy seeing ‘Beetlejuice’ with Lauren Boebert.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, everyone is excited. Today, my dad called me up and said, ‘Finally, I can watch Kimmel again.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Bad Business as Usual Edition)“We looked at the calendar today and — check my math on this — I believe we have been off the air for 154 indictments.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Donald Trump got arrested four times while we were on strike — once for the classified documents, once for interfering with the election, once for Jan. 6, and once for shooting Tupac, allegedly.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump is now facing 91 felony counts. Ninety-one felony counts. It’s like all of Melania’s birthday wishes came true at once.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Donald Trump arrived in New York last night to stay at his possibly soon-to-be-renamed residence, Trump Tower, ahead of his appearance today in a Manhattan courthouse for a fraud trial, and I just want to say it’s really nice of him to come back to New York for our first show.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump might not even have the money to pay the penalty in his fraud trial, which means there’s a remote but realistic possibility that Trump Tower gets taken away, he has to sell Mar-a-Lago and he ends up crashing with Rudy Giuliani.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingThe actor Matthew McConaughey turned rhymes from his new children’s book “Just Because” into a spirited duet with Jimmy Fallon on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightFresh off a sold-out date at Madison Square Garden, the musical supergroup boygenius will perform on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutBeyoncé on tour last summer. Her “Renaissance: A Film by Beyoncé” will be released on Dec. 1.The New York TimesThe highly anticipated film version of Beyoncé’s Renaissance tour will debut in movie theaters on Dec. 1. More