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      Late Night Goes After Ted Cruz for Going After Big Bird

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      Jimmy Kimmel said conservatives like Ted Cruz have some bizarre beliefs: “The elections are rigged, the deep state runs the world, and Big Bird is working for Merck now.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Birds of a FeatherLate night couldn’t get enough of Ted Cruz claiming Big Bird was spreading “government propaganda for your 5-year-old” over the weekend. Cruz angrily shared his response in a retweet of Big Bird’s announcement about receiving a Covid vaccine.Jimmy Kimmel said conservatives like Cruz truly believe sentiments like the one he shared: “The elections are rigged, the deep state runs the world, and Big Bird is working for Merck now.”“All right, first of all, Ted Cruz, you need to calm down. Five-year-olds aren’t even seeing Big Bird’s tweet. Five-year-olds aren’t even on Twitter — they’re on TikTok.” — TREVOR NOAH“This is the craziest anti-vax Muppet outrage since they claimed Pfizer gave the Swedish Chef giant meatballs.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And it’s interesting because not only is Ted Cruz vaccinated himself, Ted Cruz was born with an immunity that protects him from contracting any friends.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m surprised Cruz is at odds with Big Bird here. They have so much in common: When it gets cold, they both fly south.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Ted Cruz has it in for ‘Sesame Street’ because he’s constantly getting mistaken for the Count.” — JAMES CORDEN“I have to admit it’s a tough one. I mean, who are you siding with, the beloved and iconic children’s character widely celebrated over a half a century by people of all ages and backgrounds from all parts of the world, or a widely disliked wannabe werewolf with the charm of a serial killer and the voice of a dying barn owl who was once called ‘Lucifer in the flesh’ by one of his fellow Republicans after another fellow Republican joked he was so unpopular you could murder him and get away with it.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s a big day, actually, for Big Bird because immediately after getting vaccinated, he was signed by the Green Bay Packers.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Spotty Defense Edition)“The pope of Green Bay is quarterback Aaron Rodgers. He’s been playing some very spotty defense this weekend.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He said he tested negative over 300 times before testing positive, which is the same kind of logic your 95-year-old grandmother uses to justify keeping her driver’s license.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So Rodgers basically says that he’s an independent thinker who doesn’t want to be told what to do with his body. And I don’t know, you ever notice how all the independent thinkers are doing the exact same thing? Right? It’s not like they’re all coming up with different ideas, like, ‘I’m an independent thinker, what are my thoughts, Joe Rogan? Tell me about my independent thoughts!” — TREVOR NOAH“But you can tell how politics has just infected the entire vaccine debate, right, because you’ll never see Aaron Rodgers doing this to anything else. He’s never applying independent thinking to the rest of his body. Like just once I’d love to see him out there on the field, like, ‘Forget pads and helmets, I’ve decided to cover myself in manuka honey.’” — TREVOR NOAH“How does someone who almost hosted ‘Jeopardy’ come up with 40 incorrect responses in a row?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“A lot of people are also comparing Aaron Rodgers to Kyrie Irving, and that’s not fair. Kyrie Irving is wrong, but at least he’s honest. I mean, Aaron Rodgers let everyone around him think he was vaccinated when he wasn’t. He’s not Kyrie Irving, he’s Bernie Madoff.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But there are real victims here. And yes, I’m talking about those of us who play fantasy sports. Because it used to be when you drafted players you only had to take into account their injury history or their team’s off-season moves. Now — now you’ve got to be like, ‘OK, what are the chances that this player gets his news from Facebook?’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah talked with the “Daily Show” guest Spike Lee about his new career-spanning book, “SPIKE.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightSarah Silverman will catch up with Seth Meyers on Tuesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutViolah Beauvais, left, and Kiawentiio in a scene from Tracey Deer’s film “Beans.”Sebastien Raymond/FilmriseTracey Deer’s film “Beans” is based on her experiences during the 1990 Oka crisis, a confrontation between the Mohawk people and the government. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel: ‘Aaron Is a Karen’

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      As Covid sidelined the Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, Kimmel and other hosts scorned him for implying that he’d been vaccinated.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Rodger ThatThe Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers tested positive for Covid this week, which means he’ll sit out Sunday’s game against the Kansas City Chiefs (or as Stephen Colbert put it, “the next five State Farm commercials”).“He’ll be watching it from ‘Mahome.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL, referencing Chiefs quarterback Patrick MahomesLate-night hosts found it egregious that Rodgers had vaguely referred to himself as “immunized,” leading some to believe he’d been vaccinated. Instead, according to a report, he received homeopathic treatment.“I’m no expert, but I’m guessing it’s a lot easier to just play football with a shot in your arm than a jade egg stuck where the sun don’t shine. Then again, they are called the Packers.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s not the only confusing statement that he’s made about his vaccine status. For example, in one press conference he said, ‘I’d like to think of myself as vaccine-adjacent.’ In another press conference he said, “In a spiritual sense, are any of us truly vaccinated?’ And finally, he cleared things up by saying, ‘I didn’t not, not, not not, not get the shot. Not.’” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s really vague. He better not talk that way in the huddle.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Honestly, the only thing worse than not getting vaccinated when you’re in close contact with other people is letting them think you’re vaccinated when you’re not. It’s basically the Covid equivalent of ‘The condom fell off.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Aaron is a Karen, that’s the fact of the matter.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (More Shots Edition)“The Biden administration today ordered U.S. companies with 100 or more employees to have their workers fully vaccinated or regularly tested for the coronavirus by Jan. 4. All right, you heard the man, Arcade Fire.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s great timing — make sure everyone is vaccinated right after the holidays.” — JIMMY FALLON“Team Biden today announced that more than 100 million American workers are required to be fully vaccinated by Jan. 4. And if I know my fellow American workers, everyone’s going to be super chill about that.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Because I guess Jan. 1 — just way too obvious.” — JAMES CORDEN“What’s the thinking here? ‘Nobody expects this policy to start on a random Tuesday, let’s do that!’” — JAMES CORDEN“Like the drunkest friend at a bachelor party, Joe Biden’s going to make sure everyone gets shots.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingOn “The Tonight Show,” Ariana Grande got to see Jimmy Fallon play a clip of her singing the national anthem at eight years old.Also, Check This OutMeryl Streep as President Orlean, a commander in chief very focused on her approval ratings, in “Don’t Look Up.”Niko Tavernise/Netflix Finally, a world in which Meryl Streep is president — in Adam McKay’s apocalyptic satire “Don’t Look Up.” More

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      Late Night Recaps Democrats’ Stinging Election Results

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      Stephen Colbert said Democrats are used to being disappointed: “That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Pity PartyRepublicans won elections in several key states on Tuesday, including Virginia, where Glenn Youngkin won the race for governor.“So, it was a disappointing night for Democrats, but Democrats are used to being disappointed,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday night. “That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.”“Some of you may be upset by the results, but don’t panic — save your panic for climate change.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But the bigger loss was in Virginia, or as it’s known by its full name ‘East West Virginia.’ Because Virginia has been becoming more and more Democratic for years now. They voted for the first Black president and the first blackface governor.” — TREVOR NOAH“Republicans figured out that they could use a twin strategy of keeping Trump’s MAGA base motivated by using the right-wing propaganda network to feed the red meat on the one hand, while also running a candidate who looks like the dentist who gives you the gas for a cleaning.”— SETH MEYERS“And what is especially shocking about this result is that Joe Biden won Virginia by 10 points just a year ago. That is a huge swing, people. That’s like a Kim Kardashian going from Kanye to Pete Davidson-level swing.” — TREVOR NOAH“Here’s the thing — and maybe I’m alone — but I’m not that upset. I’ve already endured the worst election in American history, live on TV, sitting over there, drinking a cocktail of bourbon and my own tears. This one just seems like another election: ‘Oh no, Terry McAuliffe didn’t win? Will the republic survive our post-Terry future?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yep, Republicans haven’t been this excited since they realized that you can print fake vaccine cards off of Google Images.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Kennedys Resurrected? Edition)“I mentioned last night they had this QAnon event in Dallas. The illiterati gathered by the hundreds because they believed J.F.K. Jr. and J.F.K. Sr. were going to re-emerge and reinstall Donald Trump to power, because obviously the Kennedys would be big Trump fans.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, J.F.K. Jr. died tragically 22 years ago, so at this point, any announcement from him would be pretty big.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, some of these folks also believe J.F.K. Jr. will be seeking office soon, based on their T-shirts suggesting J.F.K. Jr. would be the former president’s running mate in 2024. Makes sense: Kennedy died over 20 years ago, but he’s still more lifelike than Mike Pence.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Shockingly, J.F.K. Jr. did not show up in Dallas yesterday afternoon, due to his chronic case of ‘not alive.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But the QAnon crowd didn’t lose hope, because rumors began to circulate that J.F.K. Jr. would instead appear at a concert by the Rolling Stones that evening. Guys, come on. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you just might find you get what you need. Which is medication.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So, the concert happened, and J.F.K. Jr. was a no-show. Some QAnon believers walked away with a new theory about his father: that Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is, in fact, President John F. Kennedy. OK, that is crazy. President Kennedy would be 104 years old, and Keith Richards is clearly way older than that.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Who should be more insulted — Keith Richards by people who thought he was a 104-year-old J.F.K., or J.F.K. for them thinking he was a 77-year-old Keith Richards. I don’t know.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s crazy that people actually believed this. I mean, if you’re gonna believe that a band is the dead Kennedys in disguise, wouldn’t you assume that band was the Dead Kennedys?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee dug into the latest on the Supreme Court’s abortion rights cases during Wednesday’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightSerena Williams will talk about the new film “King Richard” on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutZazie Beetz, left, with Jonathan Majors in “The Harder They Fall.”David Lee/Netflix“The Harder They Fall” on Netflix is a bloody new Western about Black gunslingers, chanteuses, saloonkeepers and train robbers. More

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      Jimmy Fallon: Biden Can Cut Emissions Just as He Did His Ratings

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      “I mean, he cut his approval rating in half in three months,” Fallon joked on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Save the Amazon From Amazon’President Biden addressed world leaders at the U.N. Climate Conference on Tuesday, reiterating his commitment to cut carbon emissions in half by 2030.“And he can do it,” Jimmy Fallon said. “I mean, he cut his approval rating in half in three months.”“Well, good news, over 100 countries have agreed to stop deforestation by 2030. In other words — in other words, they agreed to stop giving the Brazilian Rainforest a Brazilian.” — JIMMY FALLON“Basically, they made a deal to save the Amazon from Amazon at this conference.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yesterday, more than 100 world leaders pledged to halt deforestation by 2030. Of course, to do that, they’ll need a detailed plan — that they’ll need to print out on thousands upon thousands of pieces of paper.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Biden announced yesterday that more than 70 countries would join the U.S. in a pledge to reduce global methane emissions by 30 percent by the end of the decade. Yeah, but not Russia or China, right? That’s like saying: ‘Hey, great news — I got the whole neighborhood to agree to stop murdering, except for Hacksaw Dave and Larry the Strangler. Sleep tight, everybody!’” — SETH MEYERS“Biden ended his big speech by saying, ‘God bless you all and may God save the planet.’ And God was like, ‘Uh, this is definitely a you-broke-it, you-bought-it situation.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Space Jam Edition)“Apparently, there are issues with the toilet on the SpaceX capsule. So four astronauts are going to have to use backup undergarments during their trip home. Astronauts were, like: ‘You know, not sure we needed to make that public. We’re doing tons of other stuff up here.’” — JIMMY FALLON“OK, but be careful which undergarments you choose, because it is very hard to poop in a bra.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know, it’s pretty humbling that no matter what technological advances we come up with, we’ve still got to deal with our poop.” — TREVOR NOAH“What is so embarrassing about diapers? I honestly think that diapers are underrated. Like, if diapers didn’t already exist and someone introduced them now as a hot new technology in 2021, be honest, people would be excited about them: ‘Guys, what if I told you you never had to worry about finding a bathroom ever again, because you would always be carrying one with you?’” — TREVOR NOAH“Meanwhile, I saw that NASA astronauts used the first peppers grown in space to make tacos on the International Space Station. I guess they figured, ‘Well, toilet’s broken — Taco Tuesday, anyone?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Anyone thinking here? Next they’re going to have a prune-eating contest.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingTom Hanks paid tribute to the late Peter Scolari, his “Bosom Buddies” co-star, while on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightKristen Stewart will talk about her latest role as Princess Diana on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutIan Shaw, the son of the “Jaws” star Robert Shaw, co-wrote the show “The Shark Is Broken” and plays his father.Lauren Fleishman for The New York TimesA new play details the real-life drama that unfolded on the set of the movie “Jaws,” malfunctioning sharks and all. More

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      Stephen Colbert: Biden Got the Pope’s Blessing

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      “The pope telling you you’re a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you’re good at pooping in the woods,” Colbert said of President Biden, who visited the Vatican over the weekend.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.90 Minutes With the PopePresident Biden over the weekend visited the Vatican, where he gave Pope Francis a coin and parted ways by saying, “God love ya.”“Yeah, he does,” Stephen Colbert joked on Monday’s “Late Show.” “Pretty sure that’s the papal job description on LinkedIn: ‘God love ya. Must be good with crowds. Some Latin required. Five to 10 years’ waving experience.’”“That is the most unnecessary ‘God love ya’ in history. You don’t need to say ‘God love ya’ to the pope — he knows God loves him. He had dinner with him last night.” — TREVOR NOAH“You’ve got to give it to Joe Biden. It took everything in his power to not make the coin appear behind the pope’s ear.” — TREVOR NOAH“But I think the meeting was cool for him to see because it’s nice. Because even though these two men are some of the most powerful leaders in the world, when it comes down to it, they’re just a couple of old guys hanging out, showing off their coin collection, talking about alcohol, making inappropriate ethnic jokes.” — TREVOR NOAH“Biden has gotten flack from right-wing Catholic bishops for being pro-choice, but during the meeting, the pope said he should keep receiving communion, and called Biden ‘a good Catholic.’ OK, that’s legit. That’s legit. That’s the stamp of approval right there. The pope telling you you’re a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you’re good at pooping in the woods.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Much of Biden’s visit was confidential, but parts were broadcast on Vatican television, home of hits like, ‘Say Yes to the Vestment,’ ‘The Prodigal Brothers’ and ‘Bob Covets Abishola.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I mean I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that Biden’s meeting with the pope was three times as long as Trump’s. I mean, knowing Biden, he puts in a good 40 minutes with the barista when he pops into Starbucks.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Sometime This Century Edition)“All right, now, after President Biden exchanged Irish jokes with the pope, he caught an Uber to Rome for the G20 summit where he and other world leaders got down to business.” — TREVOR NOAH“They agreed to create a global minimum corporate tax rate of 15 percent, which is expected to raise hundreds of billions of dollars until the corporations find a different loophole about five minutes afterwards.” — TREVOR NOAH“The first time you see people in person post-pandemic is always awkward. It explains the G20 itinerary: ‘See another world leader approaching; wonder if they’re going for a handshake; notice they’re actually coming in for a hug; hug them, only to realize maybe they weren’t and you just made it awkward; call out the fact that you made it awkward and joke about how you’ve forgotten how to interact with other humans; solve climate change?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Climate change was one of the main things on the agenda, and the G20 leaders took a bold stand, pledging to achieve global net-zero greenhouse-gas emissions by or around midcentury. That doesn’t sound very urgent. It’s like calling 9-1-1 and having the operator tell you the E.M.T.s will be there sometime between the hours of noon and the funeral.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I’m sorry, guys, but how is climate change the most pressing issue facing humanity but then your plan is to do something about it by more or less 2050? Like that’s a pretty good sign something isn’t going to actually get done. If somebody says, ‘Yeah, yeah, we should hang out sometime. What’s your schedule looking like in 2050?’ You’ll never see the person again.” — TREVOR NOAH“Not to mention, I’m looking at the people making the pledge — half of them aren’t even going to be around in 2050. That’s genius — ‘When are we fixing this? How much time do I have left? Yeah, yeah — around then!” — TREVOR NOAH“So basically what they’ve done is said, ‘I want to lose 100 pounds by the summer so I’m going to do five push-ups by the day and then I don’t know, maybe I’ll get tapeworm. We’ll see what happens.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Kimmel didn’t ask for videos of adults tricking their kids into believing they ate all their Halloween treats for his annual challenge this year, but some parents just couldn’t resist.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightTom Hanks will talk about his latest film, “Finch,” on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“Every woman I know — doesn’t matter what they look like, or if they’ve commodified their image or not — knows what it feels like to be looked at, to be rejected, to get attention for how they look,” Emily Ratajkowski said.Caroline Tompkins for The New York TimesIn her debut essay collection, “My Body,” the model and influencer Emily Ratajkowski writes about cashing in on her image for a living. More

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      Late Night Savors What’s Left of Biden’s ‘Build Back Better’ Plan

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      Trevor Noah said the excision of family leave meant that “America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Built to ScaleLate-night hosts covered the latest in President Biden’s “Build Back Better” plan on Thursday, or what is left of it.“A lot of what was originally there is now gone,” Trevor Noah said. “Like free community college is out, and so is paid family and medical leave, which means America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”“Oh, and Medicare won’t cover the cost of dental or vision care for seniors but it will cover hearing. Which makes sense. You know Biden made sure that that stayed in. When you got a president that whispers as much as he does, you’ve got to make sure people can at least hear him.” — TREVOR NOAH“But don’t worry, moms, you don’t have to go into work while you’re in labor — just Zoom in from the birthing room.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Biden met today with House Democrats to discuss his health care spending proposal in the infrastructure bill, which is now down to a 30-day trial for WebMD plus, and they’re going to paint some tunnels on a rock, like Wile E. Coyote.” — SETH MEYERS“The plan features subsidies for child care and universal preschool for more than six million 3- and 4-year-olds, to which parents everywhere replied, ‘But what about 2-year-olds who could pass for 3? Please — I can’t watch any more ‘Peppa Pig.’ My toddler has adopted an English accent, and won’t let me eat bacon.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s insane. Everyone deserves the right to be at home with their families and children. And besides, in my experience, the more time you spend with your kids, the more desperate you are to go back to work.” — SETH MEYERS“Free vision care for anyone with perfect 20/20 eyesight. A 1 percent tax hike on billionaires for each trip to outer space. Guaranteed child care for children ages 3 to 4, provided by children ages 5 to 6. For anyone who wants to attend community college, a free copy of ‘Community’ Season 1 on DVD. If anything falls off of a crumbling bridge or overpass and hits you, you get to keep it. For women who have just given birth, a big scoop of Turkey Hill’s Rocky Road ice cream. In lieu of paid leave, they added two more take-your-child-to-work days. Any 12 albums for just one penny. Student-loan forgiveness: You still have to pay it back, but we’ll forgive you for making the mistake of taking one out. Universal wealth care: one extra digit in each American’s Social Security number. Guaranteed pre-K for wacky adult children whose hotel-magnate fathers paid their way through elementary and high school but now would like to prove themselves as competent, functioning adults in order to take over the family business. You can use the bathroom if you asked nicely. Everyone is eligible to receive $1 million from a billionaire, in exchange for just one night with your wife. One free month of Tubi. They’ll throw a traffic cone next to the pothole on your street if you quit whining about it. And finally, a new houseboat for Joe Manchin.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Meta Edition)“Yeah, Facebook changed their name. In response, Spectrum was like, ‘We used to be Time Warner; people still hate us.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, ‘Meta,’ as in when I joined Facebook, I ‘Meta’ lot of crazy people.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, ‘Meta,’ as in your Aunt Gloria saying, ‘I Meta guy on Facebook who says the vaccine made his balls magnetic.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This feels like when there’s an E. coli outbreak at a pizza place and they just change the name from Sal and Tony’s to Tony and Sal’s. Same gross owners.” — JIMMY FALLON“Companies often change their name to help their image and since it’s up for grabs, Johnson & Johnson is now Facebook & Facebook.” — JIMMY FALLON“The company says, ‘The name Facebook is not going away, but from now on, we are going to be Metaverse first, not Facebook first.’ But don’t worry — the self esteem of teenage girls will always be last.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingDesus and Mero get to the bottom of why Black people love Dave Grohl, with guest Dave Grohl.Also, Check This OutAnya Taylor-Joy, left, and Thomasin McKenzie in “Last Night in Soho.”Parisa Taghizadeh/Focus FeaturesTwo young women from different eras form a psychic bond in Edgar Wright’s thriller “Last Night in Soho.” More

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      Late Night Supports Democrats’ Plan to Tax the Richest of the Rich

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      “So that includes Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady,” Jimmy Fallon joked of the billionaires’ tax.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Champagne ProblemsOn Wednesday, Senate Democrats introduced a tax proposal targeting America’s 700 richest people: billionaires.“So that includes Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady,” Jimmy Fallon joked.“It’s tough for billionaires. If you’d like to sponsor one, you can make a difference for just $34 million a day.” — JIMMY FALLON“You know cash is tight for billionaires when their flights in space have to lay over in Cleveland.” — JIMMY FALLON“But by this afternoon, Democrats scrapped the tax on billionaires and now they might tax millionaires instead. When they heard that, Kim and Kylie were like, ‘Yes!’ while Khloe, Kourtney and Kendall were like, ‘No.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Senator [Ron] Wyden wants to pay for the Biden agenda with something called the billionaires’ income tax. Now the details are a little complex. Let me try to explain it: Billionaires, there’s this thing called taxes, and you should pay any.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The proposal affects only people with a billion dollars in assets or those earning more than $100 million in income three years in a row. OK, here’s a simple way to see if it affects you: Take your spare super yacht to your third house that’s on the private island shaped like your own head; look in your garage. If there isn’t a spaceship in there, you’re fine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Calling it a ‘billionaire income tax’ was smart branding by the Democrats, because Republicans are going to sound pretty out of touch if they oppose it, which they immediately did.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Shots for Kids Edition)“Last night, an F.D.A. panel gave the green light to the Pfizer vaccine for kids between the ages of 5 and 11. That’s right. That’s right, kids’ vaccines are the best way to prevent the two things parents fear the most: Covid and home-schooling.” — JIMMY FALLON“In a few weeks, you’re going to see bouncers outside Chuck E. Cheese checking vaccine cards.” — JIMMY FALLON“Hey, kids, guess who gets to go to the doctor twice in the space of three weeks? And, don’t worry, he will stab you!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Kids could get the shot as soon as next week. Great timing, right after they go door to door on Halloween.” — JIMMY FALLON“Now kids can forget about Covid and worrying about that and go to spreading every other disease known to man.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Here’s how the vaccine will work: Older kids can get Pfizer, younger kids can get Moderna, and the middle child can get Johnson & Johnson.” — JIMMY FALLON“Some parents said that they aren’t sure if they’re comfortable giving their kids the vaccine, then they went back to feeding them Dunkaroos for breakfast.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee touched on the big business of death and funerals on this week’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightJohn Leguizamo will catch up with Stephen Colbert on Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutAbba in 1979; the band members’ digital avatars will be modeled on their looks from that year.Sobli/RDB and ullstein bild, via Getty ImagesAfter 40 years, Abba is releasing a new album, which all four original band members somehow made in secret. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Misses the Old Facebook

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      Kimmel reminisced about the days when the social media app was “just a safe place to lose your house in a pyramid scheme.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Angry Face EmojiOn Tuesday night, Jimmy Kimmel noted that Facebook hasn’t been getting a lot of likes lately, citing damning reports from inside the social media company.“I miss when Facebook was just a safe place to lose your house in a pyramid scheme,” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Tuesday.“This week is so bad for Facebook that Mark Zuckerberg was, like, ‘Facebook? No, that’s not me. That was started by the Winklevii.’” — TREVOR NOAH“I mentioned last night a trove of confidential internal documents were leaked to the press. The gist of them is that Facebook knew its technology was amplifying hate speech and misinformation. There was an internal memo written in 2019 that says, ‘We also have compelling evidence that our core product mechanics, such as vitality, recommendations, and optimizing for engagement, are a significant part of why these types of speech flourish on the platform.’ Their core product mechanics. That means hate and lies are baked directly into Facebook, like the cheese in a stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And another interesting detail is that Facebook engineers — they will prioritize the posts that get a lot of emoji reactions, including the anger emoji by 5-1 over just the regular like. The hate and the lies on Facebook — it’s like the nicotine in a cigarette: It’s not what you come for, but it’s why you stick around.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, that’s right, Facebook knew it was rewarding [expletive] posts as long as they generated an emotional response. And I’ll be honest, when I first heard about this, I was shocked because I couldn’t believe that Mark Zuckerberg knows what emotions are.” — TREVOR NOAH“Although it does make sense because in regular life, we all put more value on things that produce an emotional response in us. You know, it’s why Donald Trump became president and Jeb Bush works at a Quiznos now.” — TREVOR NOAH“Of course, everyone’s been talking about Facebook lately, and Mark Zuckerberg just announced that he’s ‘retooling’ the social media platform toward young adults and away from older users. Honestly, just make it a little harder to sign in, and you will never see an old person on Facebook.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Six Flags Edition)“I heard about a guy who bought a Six Flags annual pass. How about this deal: You get the Six Flags annual pass, right? That allows you to get unlimited food for $150. He’s eaten nearly all of his meals at Six Flags ever since. Of course, all the money he saved is now going to doctors to get his cholesterol down from 1,000.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, that dude fed himself for 50 cents a day. Genius! We should get him to fix all the world’s economies before he dies from gout.” — TREVOR NOAH“Right now the Democrats are struggling to figure out how to pay for health care. This guy — this guy would solve it. He’d probably just come in and be like, ‘All you have to do is go to the first-aid tent at Six Flags and tell them the roller coaster gave you lupus. Boom! Free health care.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And by the way, how are amusement parks both the cheapest and most expensive places on earth? Like, eat for a year: $150. A mouse pad with a picture of you on a roller coaster: $3,000. No in between!” — TREVOR NOAH“But I will say, man, props to this guy for gaming the system. This is the kind of [expletive] you can only get away with at Six Flags, you know, because they’re a chilled amusement park. If you tried this at Disney, oh man, Mickey wouldn’t mess around. He’d have you hanging by your thumbs in the castle dungeon.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Tuesday’s “Late Show,” Katie Couric shared the story of meeting her idol, Jane Pauley, for the first time.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightDan Levy will promote the book “Best Wishes, Warmest Regards: The Story of Schitt’s Creek” — which he co-wrote with his father, Eugene — on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Understand the Facebook PapersCard 1 of 6A tech giant in trouble. More