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      Late Night Is Aghast the G.O.P. Is Allegedly Linked to Jan. 6

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      “It’s a real ‘Ocean’s 11’ of people who can’t count to 10,” Stephen Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘The Legion of Dumb’A new report in Rolling Stone magazine alleged that several members of Trump’s White House staff were involved in planning the rally that led to the Jan. 6 insurrection.Representatives Lauren Boebert of Colorado, Louie Gohmert of Texas and “Marjorie Taylor Greene of Mordor” — as Jimmy Kimmel referred to her on Monday night — were just a few of those said to be involved.“It’s a real ‘Ocean’s 11’ of people who can’t count to 10,” Stephen Colbert joked.“What a sad lineup that is. It’s the legion of dumb.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And I, for one, am shocked that Congress had anything to do with it, because it nearly worked.” — SETH MEYERS“One of the organizers said, ‘I remember Marjorie Taylor Greene specifically.’ Yes, I can imagine it’s hard to forget someone who tells you forest fires are caused by circumcised space lasers.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Representative Paul Gosar of Arizona was named, too. This guy, when he was running for office, six of his siblings — his own brothers and sisters — made an attack ad against him and called him a traitor. Before he was one of the most hated members of Congress, he was the most hated member of his family.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He reportedly told the organizers repeatedly they would get a blanket pardon from Trump and they were all, like, ‘Well, if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, he’s as good as his word.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“‘Blanket pardon’ sounds like the kind of made-up fake legal thing these doofuses would say. It’s a weird feature of our politics that the most sinister characters are also the biggest morons.” — SETH MEYERS“You could imagine Paul Gosar or Marjorie Taylor Greene on the phone with the Jan. 6 idiots huddled in their weird little militia hide-out/tree house promising them all kinds of crazy [expletive]: [Imitating Gosar and Greene] ‘You didn’t hear it from me, but I spoke to the chief wizard of the Supreme Court and he said there’s a secret provision written by Benjamin Franklin’s ghost, and it says you can have a blanket pardon, a private plane and a $100 gift card to Golden Corral.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (the Facebook Papers Edition)“It is a monumentally bad day for Facebook, the world’s top social media network and Uncle radicalizer.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“A group of U.S. news organizations last week began publishing a series of stories based on internal Facebook documents showing that the social media platform spreads misinformation, incites violence and facilitates human trafficking. Even worse, it gives people from high school a way to get in touch with you.” — SETH MEYERS“Thanks to hundreds of leaked internal documents, 17 news organizations are publishing a series of stories about all of the damage Facebook does, for example, how coordinated groups on Facebook sow discord and violence, including on Jan. 6. That’s in addition to the discord your cousin sows on Facebook by announcing she’s named her twins Dash and Otter.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The documents, which are being called the Facebook Papers, reveal frustration among Facebook’s staff about the company’s direction. Yeah, not so great to have all your personal information stolen, is it, Facebook?” — JAMES CORDEN“I don’t know, are we really surprised by this, finding out ‘What did Facebook know?’ Let me clear it up for you, what Facebook knows: They know everything. They know your Social Security number. They know where you live; what you’re having for lunch. They know the winners of the next five Super Bowls.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“They’re basically Specter, but we can’t stop because we have to monitor the weight of our former love interests.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Unsurprisingly, a lot of misinformation has to do with Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg. Last year, he testified before Congress that Facebook removes 94 percent of hate speech, but the company’s own researchers estimated that it was removing less than 5 percent. That’s — that’s a hell of a spread: ‘Mom, I know I said I got 94 percent on the math test, but it was actually 5 percent. I didn’t lie; I just really suck at math.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth Watching“The Daily Show” took a deep dive into Senator Kyrsten Sinema.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightOlivia Rodrigo will perform on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“Judy Justice,” starring Judge Judith Sheindlin, will become available on Nov. 1.Tracy Nguyen for The New York TimesJudge Judith Sheindlin has moved on from “Judge Judy” to “Judy Justice.” More

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      Trevor Noah Predicts Trump Will Post Dares on Truth Social

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      Noah did an impression of Trump posting on his new social media site: “OK, I shared my truth, now I dare you to hang Mike Pence.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Truth or DareDonald Trump’s new social media app, Truth Social, was the talk of late night on Thursday. Trevor Noah touched on the site’s terms of service requirements for the “truths” users can post.“And, also, you know what this means: If Trump is posting ‘truths,’ knowing him, eventually he’s going to start posting ‘dares.’ ‘OK, I shared my truth, now I dare you to hang Mike Pence,’” Noah joked while doing a Trump impression.“In a press release, Trump explained the need for his new social network: ‘We live in a world where the Taliban has a presence on Twitter, yet your favorite American president has been silenced.’ I don’t think Trump’s making the point that he thinks he is in that. All he’s telling us is that he’s more offensive than the Taliban.” — JAMES CORDEN“The site was briefly accessible to the public last night, and was immediately overrun by trolls, including one who started a fake account under the former president’s name that posted a photo of a pig defecating on its own scrotum. Are they sure that was a fake account? Because it feels on brand.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yo, this man is a legend. He creates a free speech website, and immediately was like, ‘OK, here’s what you can’t say.’ It’s like if the first rule of Fight Club was, ‘Hey, hey, hey, no fighting! No fighting! No fighting! We work [expletive] out here.” — TREVOR NOAH“At the same time, though, you know this is going to backfire, because half of the fun of being on social media is talking [expletive] about the platform.” — TREVOR NOAH“How is Trump of all people going to make a rule about disparaging comments? I mean, this man roasts people so much, he has to do it at auctioneer speed.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Truth and Consequences Edition)“The man who told over 30,000 lies in office has started something called Truth. He’s also launched a new makeup line called Human Skin.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s the perfect site for any person who ever wondered, ‘What if Twitter was only the bad parts?’” — JAMES CORDEN“The former president also announced that he is setting up his own streaming service. Well, his — his second streaming service.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“According to the press release, they’ll proudly broadcast ‘nonwoke entertainment programming.’ That’s right, nonwoke! If you can stay awake, your money back.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s going to feature the former president’s favorites like ‘Who Wants to Spank a Millionaire?” ‘The Unmasked Singer,” and ‘Only Fascists in the Building.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Thursday’s “Late Late Show,” James Corden explained how he was able to procure Celine Dion’s chewed gum as a gift for Adele.Also, Check This OutIllustrations by Ross MacDonaldClassic crime novels by the likes of Agatha Christie, Ngaio Marsh, Dorothy Sayers, and Dashiell Hammett still hold up today. More

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      Late Night Suggests a Few New Names for Facebook

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      Stephen Colbert proposed names like “Aunt Brenda’s Three-Paragraph Rant-a-torium” or “Best Fun Times America Website.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Extreme MakeoverLate night hosts couldn’t resist needling Facebook on Wednesday with news of the company’s impending name change.“They’re still facing accusations of endangering teens, spreading misinformation and destroying democracy. So they’re doing the right thing: rebranding the company with a new name,” Stephen Colbert said.“But that new name is a closely guarded secret that’s not widely known, even among Facebook senior leadership. Well, that’s surprising. Facebook has leadership?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Just in case they haven’t settled on one yet, we here at ‘The Late Show’ have come up with a few appropriate names, like Pinsurrectionist, DikTok, Aunt Brenda’s Three-Paragraph Rant-a-torium, Best Fun Times America Website and the Washington Football Team.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, the website will still be Facebook but the company is going to have a new name. And I don’t know if this is a good idea. I mean, Facebook is one of those iconic brands like Hiroshima and Ted Bundy — do you really want to lose that name recognition?” — TREVOR NOAH“But I’m excited to find out what the new name is going to be. Like you know, I don’t know, maybe they’ll go with Myspace. I mean they already took everything else from them, might as well finish the job. Killed my friend Tom!” — TREVOR NOAH“And here’s the craziest part, I don’t know if it’s been announced yet. The new name — the new name for Facebook? Steven.” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (Replacebook Edition)“Moving on, Facebook is planning to rebrand the company with a new name. This comes as the company continues to expand its services beyond traditional social media. Facebook’s aim with the rebrand is to, quote, ‘confuse the [expletive] out of everybody’s parents.’” — JAMES CORDEN“Facebook is planning to rebrand the company. They’ve been plagued with scandals around misinformation, hate groups, selling people’s data, but they’re like ‘Yeah, we’ll change the name. That’s the problem, the name.’” — JAMES CORDEN“First, I don’t think the name is really the problem that people have with Facebook. Society is like ‘Yo, you are destroying democracy’ and Facebook is like ‘We hear you — what if we went by Bookface?’” — TREVOR NOAH“Second, if you want to change your image, I don’t think you should trust Mark Zuckerberg to do that. I mean, have you seen this man’s haircut? It looks like he goes to the barber and asks him to give him the colonial child. You trust him with your makeover?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingIssa Rae described how she felt the pressure to please fans with the fifth and final season of “Insecure.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night“Dune” stars Timothée Chalamet and Zendaya will appear on Thursday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutTimothée Chalamet as Paul Atreides and Rebecca Ferguson as Lady Jessica in “Dune.” Paul is considerably less complicated and conflicted onscreen than he is on the page, our critic writes.Chia Bella James/Warner Bros.Speaking of Chalamet, Denis Villeneuve’s adaptation of “Dune” is a sweeping and intimate take on Frank Herbert’s future-shock epic. More

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      Trevor Noah Talks ‘Striketober’

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      “The Daily Show” host joked that jobs are “how Americans prove that they deserve health care.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Working One OverOn Tuesday night’s “Daily Show,” Trevor Noah looked into ‘Striketober,’ where workers at companies like Kellogg’s and John Deere are striking for things like bigger pensions and getting part of the profits.Noah referred to jobs as “how Americans prove that they deserve health care.”“With more job openings than ever and more people quitting than ever, workers suddenly find themselves with a lot of leverage, and they’re using it to demand things like better pay, more flexible hours and canceling the annual company ‘Squid Game.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And right now, workers from so many different industries are striking — although, it’s none of the bad industries that you wish would go on strike. Like, have you ever noticed how the people who collect student loans, they never go on strike. Or telemarketers? Come on, you guys deserve better pay!” — TREVOR NOAH“Now, going on strike is not a step that workers take lightly. It’s a major decision, you know? You risk your jobs. You lose out on pay. You have to protest in front of your workplace, but you can’t go in to pee.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, I’m not going to lie: When I heard how brutal these hours were, I was shocked. Like, what the hell, Kellogg’s? You shouldn’t be working people to the bone for cereal. We can all eat a pancake once in a while.” — TREVOR NOAH“And it’s not just inhumane to treat employees this way; it totally goes against the Kellogg’s brand image of cheerful colorful cartoon mascots, you know? If Kellogg’s keeps this up, those games on the back of the box are going to start getting a lot less cheerful.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Mix-and-Match Edition)“Let’s kick things off with the topic on everyone’s mind: vaccine booster shots. They’re like a butt lift for your immune system.” — TREVOR NOAH“And one thing people are wondering about is whether they should mix and match their shots, because maybe vaccines are like superheroes. Sure, Iron Man can save your life, but if you follow him up with Captain America, now you have the Avengers.” — TREVOR NOAH“It will spice up all those vaccine conversations a little bit: ‘What shot did you get?’ ‘Pfiderna.’” — JAMES CORDEN“This is kind of like mixing alcoholic beverages — you can do it, but should you? Just remember the rule of thumb: Moderna before Pfizer, always wiser. Pfizer before Moderna, some concern-a.” — JAMES CORDEN“And where it really gets complicated is with the Johnson & Johnson shot, which is basically Hawkeye: You know it’s better than nothing, but, come on, huh?” — TREVOR NOAH“The government is careful to say they would not recommend one shot over another. They’re like parents talking to their kids about college: ‘Hey, pick whatever major makes you happy, as long as it’s not poetry or Johnson & Johnson.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Clearly, someone at the company has to be held accountable for this. Personally, I blame Johnson. Then again, maybe it was Johnson I should blame? No, no, it’s definitely Johnson.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingNick Offerman shared some sweet tidbits about his bromance with Wilco’s frontman, Jeff Tweedy, and the writer George Saunders while on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightIssa Rae will talk about the end of her HBO hit “Insecure” on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This Out Calla Kessler/The New York TimesBilly Porter’s new memoir, “Unprotected,” details his early introduction to musical theater and the emotional trajectory that followed. More

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      Stephen Colbert Can’t Take Christopher Steele’s Purported Tape

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      “I’m warning you, Steele. If this turns out to be a false report again, ‘urine’ trouble,’” Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Urine’ TroubleStephen Colbert just can’t quit talking about reports about the existence of a tape rumored to show Donald J. Trump in a compromising position in a Moscow hotel room. On Monday, he bemoaned a recent assertion by Christopher Steele, a British ex-spy, that such a tape “probably exists.”“No! No, Chris Steele, you will not get my hopes up again. I have moved on — my heart cannot take this!” Colbert said. “This show had an official last pee-pee tape joke on January 25th. You cannot get me to talk about this until the actual tape has been released — or at least streamed.”“I’m warning you, Steele. If this turns out to be a false report again, ‘urine’ trouble.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Another Shot Edition)“And here’s a big story, especially if you got the Johnson & Johnson one-and-done vaccine. Dr. Anthony Fauci is now saying that FDA data shows the Johnson & Johnson vaccine should have been two shots. I mean, come on — it was right there in the name.” — JAMES CORDEN“For both Pfizer and Moderna, the recommendation is that after six months, people over the age of 65 or who have pre-existing conditions should get a booster. But for Johnson & Johnson, the panel recommends boosters for people 18 and older, and it can be given two months after the first shot. Cool! Hey, you know when that information would have come in handy? Two months after the first shot!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The name itself has two doses: ‘Johnson & Johnson.’ Just like — just like how we’re getting ‘Mo’ derna. That’s — that’s science.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“In related news, the F.D.A. has asked Johnson & Johnson to rename its ‘No More Tears’ shampoo to ‘Legally Speaking, Probably a Few Tears.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingOn “The Daily Show,” Jordan Klepper spoke with Trump supporters at the former president’s recent Iowa rally about why they still believe he won the election.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightColdplay will continue its weekly residency on Tuesday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutJamie Loftus has branched out into podcasting partly out of fear that her comedy shows were pigeonholing her as “Gross Woman.”Matt Cosby for The New York TimesThe comedian Jamie Loftus revisits the “Cathy” comic strip in her podcast, “Aack Cast.” More

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      Late Night Dives Into a New Senate Report on Trump

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      “So far, I’ve only read the title page, and it seems to be about how the former president and his allies pressured D.O.J. to overturn the 2020 election,” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Under PressureThe Senate Judiciary Committee released a new report on Thursday, titled “Subverting Justice: How the Former President and His Allies Pressured D.O.J. to Overturn the 2020 Election.”“So far, I’ve only read the title page, and it seems to be about how the former president and his allies pressured D.O.J. to overturn the 2020 election,” Stephen Colbert said on “The Late Show.”“According to a new Senate report, former President Trump directly asked the Justice Department on nine separate occasions to overturn the 2020 election. Nine? Was he in the back seat of the car? [Imitating Trump] ‘Will you overturn the election?’ ‘No!’ ‘Will you overturn the election?’ ‘No!’” — SETH MEYERS“Trump really thought he could get away with throwing out the vote. He told people at the D.O.J., ‘You guys aren’t following the internet the way I do,’ which I assume means they aren’t Googling ‘Mushroom penis normal?’ over and over again.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Fortunately, lawyers at the Department of Justice threatened to resign en masse if he replaced the attorney general, who refused to do his dirty work, with one of his cronies, who presumably would. He’s such a Karen, isn’t he? ‘Let me speak to the attorney general! He won’t? Well, does he have a supervisor? Put him on the phone!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, there was no acknowledgment of this attempted coup — and that’s what it was — from his fellow Republicans. Senator Chuck Grassley’s office this morning issued the G.O.P. version of the report, which says, and I quote: ‘Trump listened to his senior advisers and he followed their advice and recommendations,’ which is a nice way of saying he wanted to overthrow the government but the lawyers wouldn’t let him do it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But that’s how close we came. Trump tried every avenue he could think of: the courts, the states, the vice president, the Justice Department. He’s like the guy in gridlock traffic who keeps switching lanes, and then throws his hands up when it doesn’t work.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Raise the Roof Edition)“We almost didn’t have a government to save, thanks to former President The Big Lie-bowski.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“As I mentioned, Congress has reached a deal to raise the debt ceiling for two months. I’ll tell you what I think: Just do what Netflix does and raise the ceiling a little bit each month so nobody notices.” — JIMMY FALLON“Woo! Raise the financial roof!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This means America will remain solvent and free from financial calamity. Until Dec. 3.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingMadonna answered all of Jimmy Fallon’s burning questions on “The Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutJovani Furlan, photographed virtually via FaceTime, keeping in dancing shape in Joinville, in Brazil. Three New York City Ballet dancers reflect on not being able to perform during the pandemic and how it feels to return to the stage. More

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      Seth Meyers Breaks Down Facebook’s Very Bad Week

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      “It’s the kind of week you normally post about on Facebook,” Meyers said on Wednesday night.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Face-OffLate-night hosts continued to weigh in Wednesday night on Facebook’s horrible, no good, very bad week.“It’s the kind of week you normally post about on Facebook,” Meyers said, adding that the social media giant had it even worse than the Yankees, who lost their wild-card game Tuesday and were knocked out of the baseball playoffs.“Here’s the thing. Facebook is like a pocketknife: You can use it to peel an apple or stab a janitor at school.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Speaking of destroying America, Mark Zuckerberg is pushing back after the bombshell testimony from a whistle-blower who gave Congress insight into what her former employer is up to. Zuckerberg fired back last night with the longest Facebook post ever recorded. This post was so long, I thought my Aunt Fran wrote it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The whistle-blower, Frances Haugen, claimed, among other things, that Facebook prioritizes angry posts — they get the most traction. Zuckerberg rejected those claims in an angry post.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Up until now, Zuckerberg has been silent about a whistle-blower revealing that Facebook has misled the public about the negative effects of its platforms on children and teens, especially young girls, and that Facebook’s mechanics further the spread of misinformation. That’s why I’m not on Facebook. I get my news from a more reliable source: pantsless guy on the subway.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Zuck actually posted a statement defending Facebook against charges that their algorithm encourages conflict, explaining, ‘I don’t know any tech company that sets out to build products that make people angry.’ Really? I do — it’s called cnn.com. Why is the video embedded in the article not about the article? If I click a link about the Albuquerque Balloon Festival, I don’t want to watch a video where Van Jones sits down with undecided voters after watching the same Humira ad twice!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And it is, to say the least, not good that what amounts to a global public utility is controlled by one massive, secretive international conglomerate. It’s like finding out that all the drinking water in the world is controlled by some company called ‘Aqua Buds’ and it’s run by one weird little dude who created the company out of revenge because none of the cute girls at this college would give him a glass of water: ‘Oh, I’ll show them. I’ll show them all! Who’s thirsty now, Courtney?’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Anyone Else Edition)“Well, get this — apparently New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has been telling people that he’s going to run for governor of New York next year. New Yorkers heard and were like, ‘Please, anyone else.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Then Rudy Giuliani was like, ‘What about me?’ and New York was like, ‘OK, maybe not anyone else.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Here’s the deal: de Blasio is reportedly possibly running for New York governor. There’s still a lot of unknowns: what his platform is, what his announcement date is, and what he’s smoking.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Apparently, de Blasio has been sounding out trusted former aides about their interest in working on a potential campaign. His only hope is that they don’t remember his presidential campaign, when he finished 47th behind Michael Bennet and a Roomba with googly eyes.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah spoke to Monica Lewinsky about her new documentary, “15 Minutes of Shame,” on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightMadonna will pop by Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutJeremy Strong, left, with Nicholas Braun, in the HBO comedy-drama “Succession.” David M. Russell/HBO“There’s a trying to Greg that’s really endearing and fun for me to play,” said Nicholas Braun, a star of “Succession,” which returns with Season 3 on Oct. 17. More

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      Stephen Colbert Spoils Stephanie Grisham’s Tell-All Tidbits

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      Colbert joked that the former White House press secretary had titled her Trump tell-all “I Just Recently Grew a Spine.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Too Little Too LateStephen Colbert lamented having to drudge up Donald Trump again on Tuesday night.“No matter how hard I try not to, sometimes the news forces me to talk about our former president, Scrooge McSchmuck,” Colbert said.This week, the topic was Stephanie Grisham’s new tell-all about her time working in the Trump White House, and Colbert said he wanted to spoil all the juicy bits so as not to give her a sales boost.“Stephanie Grisham worked in the White House for four years, and as press secretary, she famously never gave a single press conference. But now she’s spilling all the tea in her new book, ‘I Just Recently Grew a Spine.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“In the book, Grisham uses a lot of colorful language to describe the administration, calling it ‘a clown car on fire running at full speed into a warehouse full of fireworks.’ Or as Fox News would put it, ‘a brave band of flaming harlequins rushing patriotically into the explosive jaws of danger.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, just a reminder: She knew all about the fiery clown car and she still called shotgun for four years.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Grisham goes on to write, ‘I can give you endless metaphors: living in a house that was always on fire, or in an insane asylum where you couldn’t tell the difference between the patients and the attendants, or on a roller coaster that never stopped.’ Ooh, ooh, let me try: Being in his administration is like sliding blindfolded down a 50-foot razor blade into a tub of gin. It’s like walking through a minefield led by a baby trying to change his own diaper. Driving a manure truck over a cliff into a pit of other manure trucks. Deep-sea diving surrounded by sharks who won’t shut up about winning Wisconsin.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Facebook Fallout Edition)“Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you tonight from a room full of warriors. Heroes. Survivors. Forget World War II, this is the greatest generation, because yesterday, every single person in this room had to dig down deep within themselves and find the strength to make it through Facebook’s six-hour worldwide outage.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Facebook went offline yesterday for over six hours. Wow, they finally found something they couldn’t fix with horse paste.” — SETH MEYERS“Everyone’s parents came this close to joining TikTok.” — JIMMY FALLON“Besides Zuckerberg, it was also a rough time for conspiracy theorists because for conspiracy theorists, Facebook is basically their WebMD.” — JIMMY FALLON“Well, in a statement, Facebook said the cause of the problem was, quote, ‘configuration changes on the backbone routers.’ Then they continued, ‘which caused the frontbone flexbox to dislodge the tungle switch and toggle the pixel dock florpcord, which then jolted the compshank’s codedox’s popknob causing a triple spanx zip-donk.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Facebook said that no user data was compromised during the blackout. It was not a hack, all your information is safe with them: your age, your height, weight, eye color, blood type, your birth date, your hopes, your dreams, your kidneys — all totally secure in the Facebook vaults.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The blackout was followed by a devastating congressional panel investigation this morning. Democrats and Republicans in the Senate finally found something they can agree on: They both hate Facebook.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, today, a Facebook whistle-blower testified for more than three hours in front of Congress and said some pretty damaging things. That’s right, the whistle-blower said Facebook has repeatedly misled the public and that is not OK. We already have an app for misleading the public — it’s called Tinder.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden and his staff debated who among them would win in a fight.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe cast of the Netflix dystopian hit “Squid Game” will appear on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutWith “In These Silent Days,” Brandi Carlile reaffirms her ambitions and polishes them, too.Ricardo Nagaoka for The New York TimesBrandi Carlile’s seventh album, “In These Silent Days,” braves the extremes of her songwriting. More