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      Late Night: Putin and Biden’s Call Could Have Been an Email

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      The two-hour video call was a hot topic on late night Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Two Old Men on a Zoom’President Biden and President Vladimir V. Putin spoke in a video call on Tuesday, discussing the potential Russian invasion of Ukraine.“Makes sense — the only way to resolve a delicate situation that requires crystal-clear communication is two old men on a Zoom,” Stephen Colbert joked on Tuesday night. “We do not know the results of this call yet, but Biden made it clear that if Russia invades, the U.S. and our allies would respond with strong economic and other measures. I know we’re trying to avoid a hot war here, but those are some pretty vague threats. ‘Son, if you throw a party when your mother and I are out of town, we will respond with strong reactions and emotions, t.b.d.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Today, President Biden held a big one-on-one video call with Russian President Vladimir Putin that lasted two hours. And like most two-hour meetings over Zoom, Putin was like, [imitating Putin] ‘This could have been email.’” — JIMMY FALLON“This morning, President Biden had a video call with Russian President Vladimir Putin and warned him if Russia were to invade Ukraine, Putin would feel, quote ‘economic pain.’ I like that Biden is talking like a professional wrestler from the ’80s.” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (Tuesdays With Vladimir Edition)“President Biden held a virtual meeting today with Russian President Vladimir Putin, though it was weird that they decided to do it in the metaverse.” — SETH MEYERS“Zoom meetings with Putin are interesting. Some people go without pants, Putin just goes without a shirt. Space background, too.” — JIMMY FALLON“And a video chat is a tough way for both these guys to do diplomacy. I mean, especially because even when he’s in person, Biden talks like he’s got a bad connection.” — TREVOR NOAH“On the bright side, it was the first time Putin could see Biden on camera when Biden actually knew he was on camera.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJ.B. Smoove, guest host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” demanded the two Black audience members move up to the front during his monologue.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightMariah Carey, queen of Christmas, will pop by Wednesday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutBenedict Cumberbatch in “The Power of the Dog,” left, Kristen Stewart in “Spencer” and Ariana DeBose in “West Side Story.”From left: Kirsty Griffin/Netflix; Pablo Larrain/Neon; Niko Tavernise/20th Century Studios“Summer of Soul,” “The Power of the Dog” and “West Side Story” are among the best films of 2021. More

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      Trevor Noah Suggests Sending Marjorie Taylor Greene to Beijing

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      “If you want to get back at China, you have Marjorie Taylor Greene in the stands,” Noah said of the U.S. diplomatic boycott of the Olympics.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Icy Diplomatic RelationsPresident Biden on Monday announced that the U.S. would not be sending diplomats to the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing, citing China’s human rights abuses.Trevor Noah said that American diplomats would have to watch the Winter Games like the rest of us, “by turning on the TV and then getting bored after three minutes and then turning it off.”“He’s not about to fly across 12 time zones to watch a bunch of Norwegians sweep an ice rink.” — TREVOR NOAH, on Joe Biden“And that’s a real shame that the Americans officials won’t be at the Olympics, because you realize Kamala Harris was about to become the first Black woman to ever watch a hockey game.” — TREVOR NOAH“That’s the one cool reason to be president, right? Most of us, if we don’t want to do something, we have to come up with some lame excuse, and then everyone else shows up and talks about how he didn’t come. But if you are president, you can just be like, ‘Diplomatic boycott: No one is allowed to attend Emily’s birthday brunch.’” — TREVOR NOAH“If you want to get back at China, you have Marjorie Taylor Greene in the stands.” — TREVOR NOAH“Nothing will convince China to change their ways like not sending the secretary of agriculture to the Olympics.” — JIMMY FALLON“When the news broke, everyone’s mom was like, ‘The oiled-up flag bearer from Tonga will still be there, right?’” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s different from our last Olympic diplomatic boycott, which was just Mike Pence refusing to watch men’s doubles luge.” — JIMMY FALLONTalk About Man-SpreadingJimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers weighed in on news that Donald Trump came into contact with at least 500 people after testing positive for the coronavirus.“He’s like the Johnny Appleseed of Covid,” Meyers joked.“So, it turns out that Trump tested positive for Covid before a presidential debate with Joe Biden and kept it a secret. Although, in retrospect, I feel like maybe we should’ve known from that debate that he had something, based on his performance. It was either Covid or rabies.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right — he could have knowingly infected hundreds of people with a deadly virus himself. You know, when you’re a star, they let you do it — you can do anything.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump took no precautions after testing positive. He didn’t cancel events; he was maskless inside the White House and on Air Force One. It’s almost like, you know, if you didn’t know him better, it’s almost like he doesn’t care about others.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Variations on a Theme Edition)“Everybody’s talking about it, but nobody really knows what the story is really about, because it’s all Omicron — Omicron this and Omicron that. But we don’t really understand if it’s going to change anything. We don’t ‘knowmicron’ about Omicron.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So far, Omicron appears to be milder and more infectious than Delta, and that may be happening because, according to a new study, ‘It shares genetic code with the common cold.’ This pandemic has gone on so long, we’re officially in the remix stage. The next variant’s going to be Covid, featuring shingles, the Skrillex mix.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Well, here’s some good news. Dr. Fauci said that the first data on the severity of the Omicron variant is ‘encouraging.’ Yeah, that’s what passes for good news in 2021.” — JIMMY FALLON“Dr. Fauci says that while it’s still too early to know for sure, it looks like Omicron spreads more easily than Delta but may be less severe, yeah — which means Covid might have watered itself down so it could reach more people — like the Ice Cube of corona variants.” — TREVOR NOAH“The new deadly virus variant is only worrisome. People were like, ‘This calls for a tepid uncertain celebration.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, it’s encouraging, which is positive enough to continue with your holiday plans, but vague enough to make you spend the entire time freaking out.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingTig Notaro talked about going back on the road for her “Hello Again” tour while on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightKristin Davis and Cynthia Nixon will talk about their new “Sex and the City” reboot on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutBradley Cooper, left, with Cooper Hoffman and Alana Haim in “Licorice Pizza.” Once she mastered driving the truck, she said, “I felt like a badass.” MGM, via Associated PressAlana Haim is as surprised as anyone that she’s getting rave reviews for her acting debut in “Licorice Pizza.” More

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      Trevor Noah Says Omicron Might Not Be So Bad

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      Noah said that new strains are like streaming new TV shows: “You gotta stick with it the first couple of weeks and see where it goes.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Next Week on OmicronThe first Covid cases with the new Omicron strain have been reported in the United States.Trevor Noah encouraged viewers not to freak out just yet, saying, “We have no idea if Omicron is actually that bad.”“And what I mean by that is, we don’t know if it might spread more easily or we don’t know if it will be more deadly. It’s just too early to know. And I hate to sound like someone describing every streaming show right now, but you gotta stick with it the first couple of weeks and see where it goes.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yesterday, we learned the first Omicron case on U.S. soil was found in California, which led the state’s secretary of health and human services to claim Californians were proud to have identified the first Omicron case. Good for you, Golden State. You put that kind of positive spin on all your disasters: ‘Greetings from California, home of extra-crispy trees.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Unfortunately, that’s not the only case. Today, a second case of the Omicron variant was identified in Minnesota. But do not panic — it’s just one person in America’s heartland, who recently traveled to New York City. OK, OK fine but maybe he was here on business, spent most of his time alone in his hotel getting takeout and staring pensively out the window at all the people he wasn’t infecting — right after he attended the 2021 anime convention at the Javits Center.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s right, one of the first U.S. cases of the new Covid variant may be an adult man who attended an anime convention. I mean, which is good. At least we know that it’s not transmitted via eye contact.” — TREVOR NOAH“But people, please remember this, please remember this, we shouldn’t be surprised when we find more and more cases, OK? Because Omicron is like those microscopic bugs that live in your eyelashes: Even if you don’t see them, you know that they’re there. Yeah, laughing at you about all the spiders that crawl into your mouth while you sleep.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Getting Lit Edition)“Well, guys, tonight in Washington, D.C., President Biden attended the 99th annual national Christmas tree lighting. Meanwhile, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was like, ‘Uh, yeah, sure, that’s the national Christmas tree.’” — JIMMY FALLON“The event was hosted by LL Cool J. Originally Snoop was supposed to host, but he canceled once he found out it wasn’t the kind of tree lighting he was used to.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And this was special — a real-life Elf on the Shelf made an appearance. Yeah, he got up and said, ‘For the last time, my name is Pete Buttigieg.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Then organizers said, ‘Sorry, here’s the real Elf on the Shelf,’ and then he got up and said, ‘I’m sorry, for the last time, my name is Dr. Fauci.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingTracy Morgan talks about why he’s going back onstage on Thursday’s “Desus & Mero.”Also, Check This OutRebecca ClarkeBette Midler shared her love of classics like “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” and Charles Dickens, among others, in this week’s By the Book. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel: Trump’s Covid Test Is the Only Positive Thing He’s Done

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      Late-night hosts weighed in on Donald Trump’s initial results just three days before his debate with Joe Biden.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.On Whose Honor?In his new book, Mark Meadows, former President Donald Trump’s chief of staff, wrote that Trump tested positive for the coronavirus before his first debate with Joe Biden in 2020.“Sadly, testing positive for Covid was the only positive thing he did in four years as president,” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Wednesday night.Mark Meadows, left, has written a book about his time in the White House, where he served as chief of staff of Donald Trump when he was president.Al Drago/Reuters“Meadows wrote that when he informed Trump he’d tested positive, Trump replied, ‘Oh, [expletive], you gotta be [expletive] kidding me,’ which is what most of us said when he was elected president.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Fox should not have let him debate. Joe Biden is 143 years old. The debate moderator, Chris Wallace, is no spring chicken, either. He said they were relying on the honor system, which, you’re relying on the honor system with Donald Trump? You might as well rely on the Dewey decimal system.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The honor system? How can you rely on the honor system when you know he doesn’t have any? That’s like meeting with Vladimir Putin and relying on the shirt system.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Have you met Donald Trump? ‘Do you promise you’re negative, guy who ran a fake university?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You can’t go wrong when you bet on the former president lying. It’s just one of those certainties in life — and him not paying taxes.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And if you do the math on the Covid, it means Trump had it at that little soiree he threw for Judge Amy Coney Barrett, after which at least eight people who were there tested positive. I wonder who they got it from? I wonder whose tiny hand they all shook at that party?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m not saying that Trump was trying to assassinate Joe Biden, but he definitely wasn’t going out of his way to avoid it.” — TREVOR NOAH“That explains why Trump originally wanted to end the Biden debate with a long, drawn-out kiss.” — JAMES CORDEN“Trump participated in the debate despite testing positive. Or, as Fox News is spinning it, ‘President Trump battled on heroically, and graciously shared his exclusive strain of Covid with a stage full of ungrateful libs.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (Signing Off Edition)“CNN has suspended Chris Cuomo indefinitely for his role in advising his brother, Andrew Cuomo, during his recent scandal. Yeah, Chris Cuomo knew something was up when CNN added a suspension countdown clock.” — JIMMY FALLON“On the one hand, this is a story about a guy helping his brother in a time of crisis. And, I mean, who wouldn’t do that for their brother? Because you’ve got to remember, brother is the top level of male relationship. Yeah, it goes brother, my dude, homey, this guy and stepdad.” — TREVOR NOAH“Of course, it does matter and it does make a difference how you help your brother and what you’re helping him with. Like, if your brother murdered somebody, you can either help him get the best lawyer in the country, or you can help him bury the body. I mean, both make you a good brother, but one makes you an accessory after the fact.” — TREVOR NOAH“And, people, that’s not what CNN is about. CNN is about sitting 12 people together at a desk and having them yell at each other about whether Adele’s Las Vegas residency is going to hurt Biden’s poll numbers or not.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingThis week’s “Tonight Show” hashtags featured viewers’ travel fails.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightMahershala Ali (a.k.a. Marvel’s new Blade) will chat with Stephen Colbert on Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutMel Brooks in “High Anxiety,” 1977.Jim Palmer/Associated PressMel Brooks keeps things light in his new memoir, “All About Me!” More

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      Late Night Doesn’t Feel Great About Omicron

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      Moderna’s chief executive said scientists anticipate Omicron is “not going to be good.” Stephen Colbert called the sentiment “not comforting.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Outlook Not So GoodIn a recent interview, the C.E.O. of Moderna said scientists he’s spoken to about the new Covid variant, Omicron, agree “it’s not going to be good.”“Like, not comforting, science. Reminds me of that famous sugar-free gum slogan: ‘Four out of five dentists agree: What’s the point of chewing gum? Death comes for us all,’” Stephen Colbert said.“It’s kind of like when the trailer for the movie ‘Cats’ came out — the only thing we knew was ‘Well, it’s not going to be good.’ But we didn’t know the extent of how not good it would be.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But no one knows for sure, so both Pfizer and Moderna are testing how well their vaccines protect against Omicron. Unfortunately, they won’t know the results for two weeks, at the earliest. Evidently, the scientists are stuck in a container off the coast of China.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now look, I’m not saying the C.E.O. of Moderna is lying — I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying I don’t think he’s the most objective source on this topic. I’ll wait to hear what neutral experts say about a new vaccine. People like public health officials, or the C.E.O. of Johnson & Johnson. I mean, he’s got nothing to gain ’cause nobody’s going to buy his vaccines either way, so I trust him.” — TREVOR NOAH“And I wish they would hurry up, because I need to know what I’m doing in two weeks from now, you know? Should I be buying my ‘Spider-Man’ tickets or learning how to hunt and cook wild animals? Or should I split the difference and buy ‘Spider-Man’ tickets for the wild animals?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Working on It Edition)“Following the news on the Omicron variant, the C.D.C. is now saying that all adults should get a booster shot. Right now, Instagram is like, ‘Incoming booster selfies in three, two, one.’” — JIMMY FALLON“And now for the bad news: Omicron does appear to be evading vaccines. It’s a scientific phenomenon known as Aaron Rodgers.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Well, guys, Pfizer and Moderna both say that they’re already working on vaccines for the Omicron variant, while Johnson & Johnson is cheering them on.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, Johnson & Johnson is like, ‘Guys, I thought we promised we’re not doing vaccines this year — why would you embarrass me?’” — JIMMY FALLON“How’d they start working on this so fast, too? It’s like when a team wins the Super Bowl, and the first commercial is, ‘Buy your Buccaneers championship hat now!’” — JIMMY FALLON“And also if we do need a new vaccine for this new variant, it’s not a big deal, all right, people? I see people online being like, ‘We’re gonna get a new shot every year?’ Yeah, you know what? Maybe to not die you need to take 15 minutes out of your year. What, is your life so busy that you don’t have time for that? I guarantee you, at some point in the next year, you will walk by a CVS. Unless you live in the desert — then it’s gonna be like a five-minute walk to a CVS.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Kimmel defended Dr. Fauci in his Tuesday night monologue.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightCate Blanchett will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Show” to talk about her new film, “Nightmare Alley.”Also, Check This OutLady Gaga as Patrizia Reggiani in “House of Gucci.”Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures Inc. The Guccis aren’t happy about the family portrayal in “House of Gucci.” More

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      Trevor Noah: ‘Covid Turned the Planet Into a Frat House’

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      The latest Covid variant, Omicron, follows Alpha, Lambda and Delta in the Greek alphabet.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Covid’s Greatest HitsTrevor Noah dug into the new Covid variant on Monday night, touching on Omicron’s disturbingly high number of mutations, which make it potentially more dangerous than the others.“Yes, it’s all the greatest hits in one place, like if ‘Mamma Mia’ killed you instead of teaching you about the power of love,” Noah joked on Monday night.“For most of 2021, the world has been fighting the various Covid variants, which are more than the OG from Wuhan. We had Alpha, we had Lambda, we had Delta — Covid basically turned the planet into the [expletive] frat house of all time.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean, how did that happen after everything we did? I mean, for two years now, people, we wore masks for some of the time, we social distanced when it was convenient, then like half of us got vaccinated — what more is it gonna take?” — TREVOR NOAH“And it could be that all of these mutations that sound so scary turn out to be not that big a deal, you know? Like when Apple acts like it is making tons of changes to the iPhone and we’re like, ‘I need a new iPhone! I need a new iPhone!’ and you get it and you’re like, ‘Wait — it’s just a slightly different camera? I killed a man in line for this thing!’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Omicron Edition)“Omicron — it sounds like a Transformer who can’t smell or taste.” — JIMMY FALLON“Experts are hoping it ends up being like the second season of ‘Tiger King’ where everybody talks about it, but nobody actually experiences it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trying to guess where it will strike next is fun. It’s like, ‘Where in the world is Covid San Diego’?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, we need another variant like we another turkey sandwich for lunch.” — JIMMY FALLON“But the White House said it would take two weeks to have definitive data on the new strain. That’s right, even our Covid information has shipping delays. Unbelievable!” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingStephen Colbert demands more Hanukkah-themed holiday films like “A Whole Latke Love.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightMaya Rudolph will surely get roped into something fun with her pal Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutDo you hear what they hear? The cabaret duo Justin Vivian Bond (Kiki), left, and Kenny Mellman (Herb), are performing their first holiday show together in 14 years.Eric McNattAfter 14 years, Justin Vivian Bond and Kenny Mellman are resurrecting Kiki and Herb for Christmas. More

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      Seth Meyers Skewers Subpoenaed Trump Cronies

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      “It’s also important to remember these people only hang out with each other because there is no one else who will hang out with them,” Meyers said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Gang’s All HereSeth Meyers gave an update on Donald Trump’s cronies on Wednesday’s “Closer Look.”Meyers noted that the congressional committee investigating the Jan. 6 insurrection had subpoenaed five more Trump allies this week, “including disgraced right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, who always looks like he’s trying to Hulk out even though he wasn’t exposed to gamma rays, and Roger Stone, the guy who famously showed up to Trump’s inauguration looking like an 18th-century oil baron that makes his own meth at home.”“What does it mean to be ‘fluent in Trump?’ You only use words with one syllable, you talk like a cabdriver from Queens, or you know how to stretch a single sentence into a rambling, hourlong monologue?” — SETH MEYERS on Roger Stone“I mean, your law license was suspended, and you lost every case you brought after the election. The only thing you succeeded at doing was drumming up publicity for a landscaping company.” — SETH MEYERS on Rudy Giuliani“It’s also important to remember these people only hang out with each other because there is no one else who will hang out with them.” — SETH MEYERS“And, believe me, I’m as shocked as you are that these misshapen potato chips had a plan. It’s much easier to think of them as a bunch of easily distracted doofuses who get caught trying to steal a pen from a bank without realizing it’s chained to the desk.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Thanksgiving Edition)“That’s right, Thanksgiving: It’s the day that you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — JIMMY FALLON“According to the latest numbers, the average cost for a 10-person Thanksgiving dinner is $53, not including bail money.” — SETH MEYERS“And while last year people mostly stayed home because of the pandemic, this year, families are planning to return to larger Thanksgiving celebrations. You know what that means: Lot of people in their early 20s are going back to the kids table: ‘I know you just graduated from Swarthmore, Neil, but tonight, you’ll be with Madison and Parker, talkin’ “Paw Patrol.”’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“As more people are vaccinated, the holidays are returning to normal — a.k.a. cray-cray. In fact, about 53 million people are expected to travel for Thanksgiving, and all of them will be on your flight trying to board before their group gets called.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s right, since it’s the night before Thanksgiving; lots of Americans are getting their antibodies checked to see if they can fight off Aunt Rita’s mystery casserole.” — JIMMY FALLON“I’m actually hosting Thanksgiving. My favorite part is guessing which relative is going to get the one chair that’s shorter than all the others.” — JIMMY FALLON“Of course, lots of people will be making turkey, while others will be cooking a turducken. You know what a turducken — it’s a coronary inside a stroke, inside a heart attack.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingKeke Palmer did impersonations of Cher, Angela Bassett and Shakira on “The Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutA test flight of Funko’s Grogu balloon, which will make its debut at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade this week.A new Baby Yoda balloon will fly above the streets of New York at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. More

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      Late Night Riffs on Biden’s Order to Release Oil Reserves

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      “For those who don’t know, the strategic reserve is a series of caverns filled with fossil fuel and strategically located inside Rudy Giuliani’s head,” Colbert joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Black Gold’President Biden announced that he would release 50 million barrels of oil from the strategic reserve in an effort to lower gas prices.“For those who don’t know, the strategic reserve is a series of caverns filled with fossil fuel and strategically located inside Rudy Giuliani’s head,” Stephen Colbert joked on Tuesday night.“This is great news for me. I was just thinking of getting my wife a barrel of oil for Christmas.” — JAMES CORDEN“According to the president, this is the largest release from the reserve in U.S. history. And in response, a spokesman for the American Petroleum Institute released this statement: [Imitating an oil tycoon] ‘Oil! Black gold! Sweet dinosaur jelly! West Texas dirt milk, we’re rich! We’re richer than Jesus!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s not clear if this is gonna work. Energy experts have consistently said such a release would do little to lower prices at the pump. It’s also not the best look right after you come back from a climate conference: ‘We must end our addiction to fossil fuels. What’s that? Gas is $3.50 a gallon? Let the rivers be choked with crude oil and the carcasses of pelicans!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Man in Nantucket Edition)“President Biden traveled to Nantucket today for Thanksgiving, but only after Jill made him swear on the Bible: No limericks.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s how bad Thanksgiving traffic is — even the president has to leave two days early.” — JIMMY FALLON“Reminds me of the famous ‘There once was a man in Nantucket, whose poll numbers really did suck it.’ At least he is not that orange Pol Pot who ate all his meals from a bucket.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I have a feeling Biden’s the only person who says, ‘I once knew a man from Nantucket,’ and then tells an actual story about that man.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, once Biden left for Thanksgiving the Secret Service was like, ‘Human tryptophan is on the move.’” — JIMMY FALLON“When Biden asked Obama if Martha’s Vineyard would be nice for Thanksgiving, Obama was like, ‘Uh, you should check out Nantucket.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Kimmel challenged viewers to share the weirdest thing in their mother’s house, inspired by the mom of one of his band members who collects clown figurines.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightAndy Samberg will catch up with his friend Seth Meyers on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutLady Gaga and Adam Driver in “House of Gucci.”Fabio Lovino/MGMRidley Scott’s “House of Gucci” mostly consists of “Guccis yelling at other Guccis.” More