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      Late Night Recaps Democrats’ Stinging Election Results

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      Stephen Colbert said Democrats are used to being disappointed: “That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Pity PartyRepublicans won elections in several key states on Tuesday, including Virginia, where Glenn Youngkin won the race for governor.“So, it was a disappointing night for Democrats, but Democrats are used to being disappointed,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday night. “That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.”“Some of you may be upset by the results, but don’t panic — save your panic for climate change.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But the bigger loss was in Virginia, or as it’s known by its full name ‘East West Virginia.’ Because Virginia has been becoming more and more Democratic for years now. They voted for the first Black president and the first blackface governor.” — TREVOR NOAH“Republicans figured out that they could use a twin strategy of keeping Trump’s MAGA base motivated by using the right-wing propaganda network to feed the red meat on the one hand, while also running a candidate who looks like the dentist who gives you the gas for a cleaning.”— SETH MEYERS“And what is especially shocking about this result is that Joe Biden won Virginia by 10 points just a year ago. That is a huge swing, people. That’s like a Kim Kardashian going from Kanye to Pete Davidson-level swing.” — TREVOR NOAH“Here’s the thing — and maybe I’m alone — but I’m not that upset. I’ve already endured the worst election in American history, live on TV, sitting over there, drinking a cocktail of bourbon and my own tears. This one just seems like another election: ‘Oh no, Terry McAuliffe didn’t win? Will the republic survive our post-Terry future?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yep, Republicans haven’t been this excited since they realized that you can print fake vaccine cards off of Google Images.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Kennedys Resurrected? Edition)“I mentioned last night they had this QAnon event in Dallas. The illiterati gathered by the hundreds because they believed J.F.K. Jr. and J.F.K. Sr. were going to re-emerge and reinstall Donald Trump to power, because obviously the Kennedys would be big Trump fans.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, J.F.K. Jr. died tragically 22 years ago, so at this point, any announcement from him would be pretty big.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, some of these folks also believe J.F.K. Jr. will be seeking office soon, based on their T-shirts suggesting J.F.K. Jr. would be the former president’s running mate in 2024. Makes sense: Kennedy died over 20 years ago, but he’s still more lifelike than Mike Pence.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Shockingly, J.F.K. Jr. did not show up in Dallas yesterday afternoon, due to his chronic case of ‘not alive.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But the QAnon crowd didn’t lose hope, because rumors began to circulate that J.F.K. Jr. would instead appear at a concert by the Rolling Stones that evening. Guys, come on. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you just might find you get what you need. Which is medication.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So, the concert happened, and J.F.K. Jr. was a no-show. Some QAnon believers walked away with a new theory about his father: that Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is, in fact, President John F. Kennedy. OK, that is crazy. President Kennedy would be 104 years old, and Keith Richards is clearly way older than that.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Who should be more insulted — Keith Richards by people who thought he was a 104-year-old J.F.K., or J.F.K. for them thinking he was a 77-year-old Keith Richards. I don’t know.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s crazy that people actually believed this. I mean, if you’re gonna believe that a band is the dead Kennedys in disguise, wouldn’t you assume that band was the Dead Kennedys?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee dug into the latest on the Supreme Court’s abortion rights cases during Wednesday’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightSerena Williams will talk about the new film “King Richard” on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutZazie Beetz, left, with Jonathan Majors in “The Harder They Fall.”David Lee/Netflix“The Harder They Fall” on Netflix is a bloody new Western about Black gunslingers, chanteuses, saloonkeepers and train robbers. More

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      Jimmy Fallon: Biden Can Cut Emissions Just as He Did His Ratings

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      “I mean, he cut his approval rating in half in three months,” Fallon joked on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Save the Amazon From Amazon’President Biden addressed world leaders at the U.N. Climate Conference on Tuesday, reiterating his commitment to cut carbon emissions in half by 2030.“And he can do it,” Jimmy Fallon said. “I mean, he cut his approval rating in half in three months.”“Well, good news, over 100 countries have agreed to stop deforestation by 2030. In other words — in other words, they agreed to stop giving the Brazilian Rainforest a Brazilian.” — JIMMY FALLON“Basically, they made a deal to save the Amazon from Amazon at this conference.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yesterday, more than 100 world leaders pledged to halt deforestation by 2030. Of course, to do that, they’ll need a detailed plan — that they’ll need to print out on thousands upon thousands of pieces of paper.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Biden announced yesterday that more than 70 countries would join the U.S. in a pledge to reduce global methane emissions by 30 percent by the end of the decade. Yeah, but not Russia or China, right? That’s like saying: ‘Hey, great news — I got the whole neighborhood to agree to stop murdering, except for Hacksaw Dave and Larry the Strangler. Sleep tight, everybody!’” — SETH MEYERS“Biden ended his big speech by saying, ‘God bless you all and may God save the planet.’ And God was like, ‘Uh, this is definitely a you-broke-it, you-bought-it situation.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Space Jam Edition)“Apparently, there are issues with the toilet on the SpaceX capsule. So four astronauts are going to have to use backup undergarments during their trip home. Astronauts were, like: ‘You know, not sure we needed to make that public. We’re doing tons of other stuff up here.’” — JIMMY FALLON“OK, but be careful which undergarments you choose, because it is very hard to poop in a bra.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know, it’s pretty humbling that no matter what technological advances we come up with, we’ve still got to deal with our poop.” — TREVOR NOAH“What is so embarrassing about diapers? I honestly think that diapers are underrated. Like, if diapers didn’t already exist and someone introduced them now as a hot new technology in 2021, be honest, people would be excited about them: ‘Guys, what if I told you you never had to worry about finding a bathroom ever again, because you would always be carrying one with you?’” — TREVOR NOAH“Meanwhile, I saw that NASA astronauts used the first peppers grown in space to make tacos on the International Space Station. I guess they figured, ‘Well, toilet’s broken — Taco Tuesday, anyone?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Anyone thinking here? Next they’re going to have a prune-eating contest.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingTom Hanks paid tribute to the late Peter Scolari, his “Bosom Buddies” co-star, while on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightKristen Stewart will talk about her latest role as Princess Diana on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutIan Shaw, the son of the “Jaws” star Robert Shaw, co-wrote the show “The Shark Is Broken” and plays his father.Lauren Fleishman for The New York TimesA new play details the real-life drama that unfolded on the set of the movie “Jaws,” malfunctioning sharks and all. More

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      Stephen Colbert: Biden Got the Pope’s Blessing

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      “The pope telling you you’re a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you’re good at pooping in the woods,” Colbert said of President Biden, who visited the Vatican over the weekend.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.90 Minutes With the PopePresident Biden over the weekend visited the Vatican, where he gave Pope Francis a coin and parted ways by saying, “God love ya.”“Yeah, he does,” Stephen Colbert joked on Monday’s “Late Show.” “Pretty sure that’s the papal job description on LinkedIn: ‘God love ya. Must be good with crowds. Some Latin required. Five to 10 years’ waving experience.’”“That is the most unnecessary ‘God love ya’ in history. You don’t need to say ‘God love ya’ to the pope — he knows God loves him. He had dinner with him last night.” — TREVOR NOAH“You’ve got to give it to Joe Biden. It took everything in his power to not make the coin appear behind the pope’s ear.” — TREVOR NOAH“But I think the meeting was cool for him to see because it’s nice. Because even though these two men are some of the most powerful leaders in the world, when it comes down to it, they’re just a couple of old guys hanging out, showing off their coin collection, talking about alcohol, making inappropriate ethnic jokes.” — TREVOR NOAH“Biden has gotten flack from right-wing Catholic bishops for being pro-choice, but during the meeting, the pope said he should keep receiving communion, and called Biden ‘a good Catholic.’ OK, that’s legit. That’s legit. That’s the stamp of approval right there. The pope telling you you’re a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you’re good at pooping in the woods.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Much of Biden’s visit was confidential, but parts were broadcast on Vatican television, home of hits like, ‘Say Yes to the Vestment,’ ‘The Prodigal Brothers’ and ‘Bob Covets Abishola.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I mean I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that Biden’s meeting with the pope was three times as long as Trump’s. I mean, knowing Biden, he puts in a good 40 minutes with the barista when he pops into Starbucks.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Sometime This Century Edition)“All right, now, after President Biden exchanged Irish jokes with the pope, he caught an Uber to Rome for the G20 summit where he and other world leaders got down to business.” — TREVOR NOAH“They agreed to create a global minimum corporate tax rate of 15 percent, which is expected to raise hundreds of billions of dollars until the corporations find a different loophole about five minutes afterwards.” — TREVOR NOAH“The first time you see people in person post-pandemic is always awkward. It explains the G20 itinerary: ‘See another world leader approaching; wonder if they’re going for a handshake; notice they’re actually coming in for a hug; hug them, only to realize maybe they weren’t and you just made it awkward; call out the fact that you made it awkward and joke about how you’ve forgotten how to interact with other humans; solve climate change?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Climate change was one of the main things on the agenda, and the G20 leaders took a bold stand, pledging to achieve global net-zero greenhouse-gas emissions by or around midcentury. That doesn’t sound very urgent. It’s like calling 9-1-1 and having the operator tell you the E.M.T.s will be there sometime between the hours of noon and the funeral.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I’m sorry, guys, but how is climate change the most pressing issue facing humanity but then your plan is to do something about it by more or less 2050? Like that’s a pretty good sign something isn’t going to actually get done. If somebody says, ‘Yeah, yeah, we should hang out sometime. What’s your schedule looking like in 2050?’ You’ll never see the person again.” — TREVOR NOAH“Not to mention, I’m looking at the people making the pledge — half of them aren’t even going to be around in 2050. That’s genius — ‘When are we fixing this? How much time do I have left? Yeah, yeah — around then!” — TREVOR NOAH“So basically what they’ve done is said, ‘I want to lose 100 pounds by the summer so I’m going to do five push-ups by the day and then I don’t know, maybe I’ll get tapeworm. We’ll see what happens.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Kimmel didn’t ask for videos of adults tricking their kids into believing they ate all their Halloween treats for his annual challenge this year, but some parents just couldn’t resist.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightTom Hanks will talk about his latest film, “Finch,” on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“Every woman I know — doesn’t matter what they look like, or if they’ve commodified their image or not — knows what it feels like to be looked at, to be rejected, to get attention for how they look,” Emily Ratajkowski said.Caroline Tompkins for The New York TimesIn her debut essay collection, “My Body,” the model and influencer Emily Ratajkowski writes about cashing in on her image for a living. More

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      Late Night Savors What’s Left of Biden’s ‘Build Back Better’ Plan

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      Trevor Noah said the excision of family leave meant that “America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Built to ScaleLate-night hosts covered the latest in President Biden’s “Build Back Better” plan on Thursday, or what is left of it.“A lot of what was originally there is now gone,” Trevor Noah said. “Like free community college is out, and so is paid family and medical leave, which means America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”“Oh, and Medicare won’t cover the cost of dental or vision care for seniors but it will cover hearing. Which makes sense. You know Biden made sure that that stayed in. When you got a president that whispers as much as he does, you’ve got to make sure people can at least hear him.” — TREVOR NOAH“But don’t worry, moms, you don’t have to go into work while you’re in labor — just Zoom in from the birthing room.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Biden met today with House Democrats to discuss his health care spending proposal in the infrastructure bill, which is now down to a 30-day trial for WebMD plus, and they’re going to paint some tunnels on a rock, like Wile E. Coyote.” — SETH MEYERS“The plan features subsidies for child care and universal preschool for more than six million 3- and 4-year-olds, to which parents everywhere replied, ‘But what about 2-year-olds who could pass for 3? Please — I can’t watch any more ‘Peppa Pig.’ My toddler has adopted an English accent, and won’t let me eat bacon.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s insane. Everyone deserves the right to be at home with their families and children. And besides, in my experience, the more time you spend with your kids, the more desperate you are to go back to work.” — SETH MEYERS“Free vision care for anyone with perfect 20/20 eyesight. A 1 percent tax hike on billionaires for each trip to outer space. Guaranteed child care for children ages 3 to 4, provided by children ages 5 to 6. For anyone who wants to attend community college, a free copy of ‘Community’ Season 1 on DVD. If anything falls off of a crumbling bridge or overpass and hits you, you get to keep it. For women who have just given birth, a big scoop of Turkey Hill’s Rocky Road ice cream. In lieu of paid leave, they added two more take-your-child-to-work days. Any 12 albums for just one penny. Student-loan forgiveness: You still have to pay it back, but we’ll forgive you for making the mistake of taking one out. Universal wealth care: one extra digit in each American’s Social Security number. Guaranteed pre-K for wacky adult children whose hotel-magnate fathers paid their way through elementary and high school but now would like to prove themselves as competent, functioning adults in order to take over the family business. You can use the bathroom if you asked nicely. Everyone is eligible to receive $1 million from a billionaire, in exchange for just one night with your wife. One free month of Tubi. They’ll throw a traffic cone next to the pothole on your street if you quit whining about it. And finally, a new houseboat for Joe Manchin.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Meta Edition)“Yeah, Facebook changed their name. In response, Spectrum was like, ‘We used to be Time Warner; people still hate us.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, ‘Meta,’ as in when I joined Facebook, I ‘Meta’ lot of crazy people.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, ‘Meta,’ as in your Aunt Gloria saying, ‘I Meta guy on Facebook who says the vaccine made his balls magnetic.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This feels like when there’s an E. coli outbreak at a pizza place and they just change the name from Sal and Tony’s to Tony and Sal’s. Same gross owners.” — JIMMY FALLON“Companies often change their name to help their image and since it’s up for grabs, Johnson & Johnson is now Facebook & Facebook.” — JIMMY FALLON“The company says, ‘The name Facebook is not going away, but from now on, we are going to be Metaverse first, not Facebook first.’ But don’t worry — the self esteem of teenage girls will always be last.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingDesus and Mero get to the bottom of why Black people love Dave Grohl, with guest Dave Grohl.Also, Check This OutAnya Taylor-Joy, left, and Thomasin McKenzie in “Last Night in Soho.”Parisa Taghizadeh/Focus FeaturesTwo young women from different eras form a psychic bond in Edgar Wright’s thriller “Last Night in Soho.” More

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      Late Night Supports Democrats’ Plan to Tax the Richest of the Rich

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      “So that includes Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady,” Jimmy Fallon joked of the billionaires’ tax.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Champagne ProblemsOn Wednesday, Senate Democrats introduced a tax proposal targeting America’s 700 richest people: billionaires.“So that includes Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady,” Jimmy Fallon joked.“It’s tough for billionaires. If you’d like to sponsor one, you can make a difference for just $34 million a day.” — JIMMY FALLON“You know cash is tight for billionaires when their flights in space have to lay over in Cleveland.” — JIMMY FALLON“But by this afternoon, Democrats scrapped the tax on billionaires and now they might tax millionaires instead. When they heard that, Kim and Kylie were like, ‘Yes!’ while Khloe, Kourtney and Kendall were like, ‘No.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Senator [Ron] Wyden wants to pay for the Biden agenda with something called the billionaires’ income tax. Now the details are a little complex. Let me try to explain it: Billionaires, there’s this thing called taxes, and you should pay any.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The proposal affects only people with a billion dollars in assets or those earning more than $100 million in income three years in a row. OK, here’s a simple way to see if it affects you: Take your spare super yacht to your third house that’s on the private island shaped like your own head; look in your garage. If there isn’t a spaceship in there, you’re fine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Calling it a ‘billionaire income tax’ was smart branding by the Democrats, because Republicans are going to sound pretty out of touch if they oppose it, which they immediately did.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Shots for Kids Edition)“Last night, an F.D.A. panel gave the green light to the Pfizer vaccine for kids between the ages of 5 and 11. That’s right. That’s right, kids’ vaccines are the best way to prevent the two things parents fear the most: Covid and home-schooling.” — JIMMY FALLON“In a few weeks, you’re going to see bouncers outside Chuck E. Cheese checking vaccine cards.” — JIMMY FALLON“Hey, kids, guess who gets to go to the doctor twice in the space of three weeks? And, don’t worry, he will stab you!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Kids could get the shot as soon as next week. Great timing, right after they go door to door on Halloween.” — JIMMY FALLON“Now kids can forget about Covid and worrying about that and go to spreading every other disease known to man.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Here’s how the vaccine will work: Older kids can get Pfizer, younger kids can get Moderna, and the middle child can get Johnson & Johnson.” — JIMMY FALLON“Some parents said that they aren’t sure if they’re comfortable giving their kids the vaccine, then they went back to feeding them Dunkaroos for breakfast.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee touched on the big business of death and funerals on this week’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightJohn Leguizamo will catch up with Stephen Colbert on Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutAbba in 1979; the band members’ digital avatars will be modeled on their looks from that year.Sobli/RDB and ullstein bild, via Getty ImagesAfter 40 years, Abba is releasing a new album, which all four original band members somehow made in secret. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Misses the Old Facebook

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      Kimmel reminisced about the days when the social media app was “just a safe place to lose your house in a pyramid scheme.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Angry Face EmojiOn Tuesday night, Jimmy Kimmel noted that Facebook hasn’t been getting a lot of likes lately, citing damning reports from inside the social media company.“I miss when Facebook was just a safe place to lose your house in a pyramid scheme,” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Tuesday.“This week is so bad for Facebook that Mark Zuckerberg was, like, ‘Facebook? No, that’s not me. That was started by the Winklevii.’” — TREVOR NOAH“I mentioned last night a trove of confidential internal documents were leaked to the press. The gist of them is that Facebook knew its technology was amplifying hate speech and misinformation. There was an internal memo written in 2019 that says, ‘We also have compelling evidence that our core product mechanics, such as vitality, recommendations, and optimizing for engagement, are a significant part of why these types of speech flourish on the platform.’ Their core product mechanics. That means hate and lies are baked directly into Facebook, like the cheese in a stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And another interesting detail is that Facebook engineers — they will prioritize the posts that get a lot of emoji reactions, including the anger emoji by 5-1 over just the regular like. The hate and the lies on Facebook — it’s like the nicotine in a cigarette: It’s not what you come for, but it’s why you stick around.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, that’s right, Facebook knew it was rewarding [expletive] posts as long as they generated an emotional response. And I’ll be honest, when I first heard about this, I was shocked because I couldn’t believe that Mark Zuckerberg knows what emotions are.” — TREVOR NOAH“Although it does make sense because in regular life, we all put more value on things that produce an emotional response in us. You know, it’s why Donald Trump became president and Jeb Bush works at a Quiznos now.” — TREVOR NOAH“Of course, everyone’s been talking about Facebook lately, and Mark Zuckerberg just announced that he’s ‘retooling’ the social media platform toward young adults and away from older users. Honestly, just make it a little harder to sign in, and you will never see an old person on Facebook.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Six Flags Edition)“I heard about a guy who bought a Six Flags annual pass. How about this deal: You get the Six Flags annual pass, right? That allows you to get unlimited food for $150. He’s eaten nearly all of his meals at Six Flags ever since. Of course, all the money he saved is now going to doctors to get his cholesterol down from 1,000.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, that dude fed himself for 50 cents a day. Genius! We should get him to fix all the world’s economies before he dies from gout.” — TREVOR NOAH“Right now the Democrats are struggling to figure out how to pay for health care. This guy — this guy would solve it. He’d probably just come in and be like, ‘All you have to do is go to the first-aid tent at Six Flags and tell them the roller coaster gave you lupus. Boom! Free health care.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And by the way, how are amusement parks both the cheapest and most expensive places on earth? Like, eat for a year: $150. A mouse pad with a picture of you on a roller coaster: $3,000. No in between!” — TREVOR NOAH“But I will say, man, props to this guy for gaming the system. This is the kind of [expletive] you can only get away with at Six Flags, you know, because they’re a chilled amusement park. If you tried this at Disney, oh man, Mickey wouldn’t mess around. He’d have you hanging by your thumbs in the castle dungeon.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Tuesday’s “Late Show,” Katie Couric shared the story of meeting her idol, Jane Pauley, for the first time.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightDan Levy will promote the book “Best Wishes, Warmest Regards: The Story of Schitt’s Creek” — which he co-wrote with his father, Eugene — on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Understand the Facebook PapersCard 1 of 6A tech giant in trouble. More

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      Late Night Is Aghast the G.O.P. Is Allegedly Linked to Jan. 6

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      “It’s a real ‘Ocean’s 11’ of people who can’t count to 10,” Stephen Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘The Legion of Dumb’A new report in Rolling Stone magazine alleged that several members of Trump’s White House staff were involved in planning the rally that led to the Jan. 6 insurrection.Representatives Lauren Boebert of Colorado, Louie Gohmert of Texas and “Marjorie Taylor Greene of Mordor” — as Jimmy Kimmel referred to her on Monday night — were just a few of those said to be involved.“It’s a real ‘Ocean’s 11’ of people who can’t count to 10,” Stephen Colbert joked.“What a sad lineup that is. It’s the legion of dumb.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And I, for one, am shocked that Congress had anything to do with it, because it nearly worked.” — SETH MEYERS“One of the organizers said, ‘I remember Marjorie Taylor Greene specifically.’ Yes, I can imagine it’s hard to forget someone who tells you forest fires are caused by circumcised space lasers.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Representative Paul Gosar of Arizona was named, too. This guy, when he was running for office, six of his siblings — his own brothers and sisters — made an attack ad against him and called him a traitor. Before he was one of the most hated members of Congress, he was the most hated member of his family.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He reportedly told the organizers repeatedly they would get a blanket pardon from Trump and they were all, like, ‘Well, if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, he’s as good as his word.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“‘Blanket pardon’ sounds like the kind of made-up fake legal thing these doofuses would say. It’s a weird feature of our politics that the most sinister characters are also the biggest morons.” — SETH MEYERS“You could imagine Paul Gosar or Marjorie Taylor Greene on the phone with the Jan. 6 idiots huddled in their weird little militia hide-out/tree house promising them all kinds of crazy [expletive]: [Imitating Gosar and Greene] ‘You didn’t hear it from me, but I spoke to the chief wizard of the Supreme Court and he said there’s a secret provision written by Benjamin Franklin’s ghost, and it says you can have a blanket pardon, a private plane and a $100 gift card to Golden Corral.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (the Facebook Papers Edition)“It is a monumentally bad day for Facebook, the world’s top social media network and Uncle radicalizer.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“A group of U.S. news organizations last week began publishing a series of stories based on internal Facebook documents showing that the social media platform spreads misinformation, incites violence and facilitates human trafficking. Even worse, it gives people from high school a way to get in touch with you.” — SETH MEYERS“Thanks to hundreds of leaked internal documents, 17 news organizations are publishing a series of stories about all of the damage Facebook does, for example, how coordinated groups on Facebook sow discord and violence, including on Jan. 6. That’s in addition to the discord your cousin sows on Facebook by announcing she’s named her twins Dash and Otter.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The documents, which are being called the Facebook Papers, reveal frustration among Facebook’s staff about the company’s direction. Yeah, not so great to have all your personal information stolen, is it, Facebook?” — JAMES CORDEN“I don’t know, are we really surprised by this, finding out ‘What did Facebook know?’ Let me clear it up for you, what Facebook knows: They know everything. They know your Social Security number. They know where you live; what you’re having for lunch. They know the winners of the next five Super Bowls.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“They’re basically Specter, but we can’t stop because we have to monitor the weight of our former love interests.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Unsurprisingly, a lot of misinformation has to do with Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg. Last year, he testified before Congress that Facebook removes 94 percent of hate speech, but the company’s own researchers estimated that it was removing less than 5 percent. That’s — that’s a hell of a spread: ‘Mom, I know I said I got 94 percent on the math test, but it was actually 5 percent. I didn’t lie; I just really suck at math.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth Watching“The Daily Show” took a deep dive into Senator Kyrsten Sinema.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightOlivia Rodrigo will perform on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“Judy Justice,” starring Judge Judith Sheindlin, will become available on Nov. 1.Tracy Nguyen for The New York TimesJudge Judith Sheindlin has moved on from “Judge Judy” to “Judy Justice.” More

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      Trevor Noah Predicts Trump Will Post Dares on Truth Social

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      Noah did an impression of Trump posting on his new social media site: “OK, I shared my truth, now I dare you to hang Mike Pence.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Truth or DareDonald Trump’s new social media app, Truth Social, was the talk of late night on Thursday. Trevor Noah touched on the site’s terms of service requirements for the “truths” users can post.“And, also, you know what this means: If Trump is posting ‘truths,’ knowing him, eventually he’s going to start posting ‘dares.’ ‘OK, I shared my truth, now I dare you to hang Mike Pence,’” Noah joked while doing a Trump impression.“In a press release, Trump explained the need for his new social network: ‘We live in a world where the Taliban has a presence on Twitter, yet your favorite American president has been silenced.’ I don’t think Trump’s making the point that he thinks he is in that. All he’s telling us is that he’s more offensive than the Taliban.” — JAMES CORDEN“The site was briefly accessible to the public last night, and was immediately overrun by trolls, including one who started a fake account under the former president’s name that posted a photo of a pig defecating on its own scrotum. Are they sure that was a fake account? Because it feels on brand.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yo, this man is a legend. He creates a free speech website, and immediately was like, ‘OK, here’s what you can’t say.’ It’s like if the first rule of Fight Club was, ‘Hey, hey, hey, no fighting! No fighting! No fighting! We work [expletive] out here.” — TREVOR NOAH“At the same time, though, you know this is going to backfire, because half of the fun of being on social media is talking [expletive] about the platform.” — TREVOR NOAH“How is Trump of all people going to make a rule about disparaging comments? I mean, this man roasts people so much, he has to do it at auctioneer speed.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Truth and Consequences Edition)“The man who told over 30,000 lies in office has started something called Truth. He’s also launched a new makeup line called Human Skin.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s the perfect site for any person who ever wondered, ‘What if Twitter was only the bad parts?’” — JAMES CORDEN“The former president also announced that he is setting up his own streaming service. Well, his — his second streaming service.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“According to the press release, they’ll proudly broadcast ‘nonwoke entertainment programming.’ That’s right, nonwoke! If you can stay awake, your money back.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s going to feature the former president’s favorites like ‘Who Wants to Spank a Millionaire?” ‘The Unmasked Singer,” and ‘Only Fascists in the Building.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Thursday’s “Late Late Show,” James Corden explained how he was able to procure Celine Dion’s chewed gum as a gift for Adele.Also, Check This OutIllustrations by Ross MacDonaldClassic crime novels by the likes of Agatha Christie, Ngaio Marsh, Dorothy Sayers, and Dashiell Hammett still hold up today. More