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      Jimmy Fallon: Vaccinated Americans Are ‘Flashing Their Mouths Like It’s Mardi Gras’

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      “I’ve got to be honest: I’m going to miss wearing a mask.” Fallon joked on Tuesday. “The adult acne made me feel young, you know?”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Mask OffPresident Biden announced on Tuesday new coronavirus guidelines that would allow vaccinated Americans to forgo wearing masks when participating in outdoor activities or when not in a crowd.“When people heard that, people in the street started flashing their mouths like it was Mardi Gras,” Jimmy Fallon joked.“I’ve got to be honest: I’m going to miss wearing a mask. The adult acne made me feel young, you know?” — JIMMY FALLON“Aw, yeah! Take it off, baby! Show daddy them nostrils!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s good news. Where are we on pants; are those still required?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This is great news for people who love fresh air, but a little late for those who already have the tan lines.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now we can go back to the good old days of giving each other dirty looks because of racism, classism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, and those people who wear Adidas pants with Nike shoes.” — TREVOR NOAH“You see, we never needed masks; we already knew how to hate each other.” — TREVOR NOAH“On the bright side, now we can stop weirdly opening our eyes to greet people on the street.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Who Charted Edition)“I’m also glad because now, according to the C.D.C. charts, if you’re vaccinated, you can go eat outdoors now without a mask on, as opposed to before, when you had to wear a mask while you were eating.” — TREVOR NOAH“The chart ranks activities from safest to less safe to least safe. It’s the same chart people use when deciding between Delta, United and Spirit Airlines.” — JIMMY FALLON“Because what better way to get people to remember something than a 14-row, three-column, color-coded document with loads of text?” — JAMES CORDEN“Who designed this chart, the same people who designed those parking signs in L.A.?” — TREVOR NOAH“I love, as well, if you look, exercise class is the last thing on the list. It’s even like the list going, ‘Look, we both know you’re not going to do it.’” — JAMES CORDEN“It’s unreadable. You don’t see the forest service putting out flow charts like: ‘No fires, unless the fires are in stone pits, or you come from a long line of firefighters, or you watch the weather and you know a rainstorm is coming in a few minutes.’ No, they say: ‘No fires or this bear is going to eat your [expletive] family.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And, yes, I know the C.D.C. is just trying to cover all the bases, because maybe there’s a tiny chance you could get corona, even if you’re vaccinated. But if that messaging ends up convincing people that there’s not much of a reason to get vaccinated at all, then we’re shooting ourselves in the foot, which is not something we should do. Or, as the C.D.C. would put it: ‘masked guy in an indoor red zone.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingCorrespondent Dulcé Sloan delved into the history of female hip-hop M.C.s on Tuesday’s “The Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightMike Lindell, the chief executive of My Pillow, will appear Wednesday on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutNichole ShinnVaccine fan fiction is getting users hot on TikTok. More

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      Late Night Wraps Up This Year’s Academy Awards

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      “The ratings for the Oscars plummeted from 23 million last year to less than 10 million this year. How can something so woke put so many people to sleep?” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Monday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Are You Still Watching?On Monday, late-night hosts weighed in on Sunday night’s Oscars ceremonies, which, despite some historic firsts and funny moments, brought in a much smaller audience than last year’s awards.“The ratings for the Oscars plummeted from 23 million last year to less than 10 million this year. How can something so woke put so many people to sleep?” Jimmy Kimmel asked.“The ceremony was watched by a record-low 9.9 million people. Yeah, 9.9 million. That’s like taking everyone who watched ‘Mank’ and adding 9.8 million.” — JIMMY FALLON“I guess most people thought the show was a little sluggish and, at times, a bit uncomfortable. It was as if the whole ceremony had just gotten its second Pfizer shot.” — JIMMY FALLON“This was the Oscars that finally answered the question, ‘What happens when you don’t cut off acceptance speeches?’ Turns out, they go on for a very long time.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“For whatever reason, the awards were held at Union Station downtown, which is the closest many of these stars have ever been to public transportation.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Well, I guess the train station made sense ’cause I fell asleep 30 minutes in. When I woke up, I had no idea where I was.” — JIMMY FALLON“Now, despite the pandemic shaking everything up, the Oscars pulled off a lot of cool moments last night. I mean, we got to see an awards show in a train station, right? We saw Regina King get her steps in. And we even got to see Glenn Close audition to be in Cardi B’s next video.” — TREVOR NOAH“But we also got a lot of history made last night. Chloé Zhao became the first woman of color to win Best Director, Yuh-Jung Youn was the first Korean actor to win an award, and Daniel Kaluuya, my friend, became the first person to get an Oscar and a beatdown from his mama on the same night.” — TREVOR NOAH“You can’t be saying ‘sex’ in front of African parents. In fact, I’m sure the only reason she didn’t whip Daniel’s [expletive] right there was just because there were too many white people in attendance.” — TREVOR NOAH“His mom was like, ‘This is so embarrassing’ and he was like, ‘Relax, no one saw it.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It was an historic evening. You know, before last night, an Oscar had never been given to a still photo of Anthony Hopkins before.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“There were some surprises, notably in the category of Best Actor. Everyone thought that would go to the late Chadwick Boseman. They even saved that category for the end of the show, assuming it would be a big emotional moment to wrap it up. But instead of Chadwick Boseman, Anthony Hopkins won Best Actor for playing a man with dementia in ‘The Father,’ and he was so committed to his role, he forgot to show up for the Oscars.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And this is true. He was reportedly asleep when he won, which is not a great sign for network television when they say, ‘Hey, Anthony, you know you might win tonight’ and he’s like, ‘Eh, I’ll just watch it on YouTube tomorrow.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Missed Shots Edition)“Apparently, some people are refusing the second shot because they feared the side effects, which can include flulike symptoms. Unlike the coronavirus side effects, which can include deathlike death.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“One interesting group of people refusing to get the vaccine: people who have gotten the vaccine. Because millions of people are skipping their second doses of Covid vaccines. I can’t believe it — Americans are saying no to seconds?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I mean, just a few weeks ago we were scrambling for appointments — refresh, refresh, refresh. Now you can pick up Moderna shots in the two-for-one bin at Walmart.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingJustin Bieber joined Jimmy Fallon and the Roots for a stripped-down version of his new single “Peaches.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe “Pose” star Billy Porter will appear on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Tuesday.Also, Check This OutAnthony Hopkins as the dementia-stricken patriarch in “The Father.”Sean Gleason/Sony Pictures ClassicsAnthony Hopkins had to accept his Best Actor Oscar via social media because producers denied him an opportunity to go live via Zoom during the ceremony on Sunday night. More

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      Late Night Celebrates Earth Day

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      “Earth Day started back in the ’70s with very lofty goals and has kind of turned into, ‘Guys, please, just for one day try not to light garbage on or near a panda bear, OK?’” Jimmy Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Save the Rainforest (Cafes)Late-night hosts celebrated Earth Day on Thursday, with Jimmy Kimmel touching on the holiday’s origins.“Earth Day started back in the ’70s with very lofty goals and has kind of turned into, ‘Guys, please, just for one day try not to light garbage on or near a panda bear, OK?’” Jimmy Kimmel joked.“There are so many amazing things from Earth. I mean, we have oceans and mountains, and shaving cream, and pine cones and the iPhone. We’ve got monkeys; we’ve got chocolate-covered raisins. Ryan Gosling, we’ve got Ryan Reynolds. We’ve got the Aurora Borealis. Pens are good. ‘Property Brothers,’ Magic Johnson, tennis rackets, yoga pants, poodles, tacos, yarn, marshmallows and Mr. T. I mean, that is a diverse portfolio of things that we should be grateful for.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, Earth Day is like prom in that every year has a theme. This year’s is ‘Restore Our Earth.’ Yes, we have to, or pretty soon the theme’s going to be ‘Enchantment Under the Sea.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“A lot of stores celebrated Earth Day. H&M added a section for sustainable items, Lowe’s offered a free garden-to-go kit, and Subway recycled last week’s tuna.” — JIMMY FALLON“I’m kidding around, but protecting the Earth is serious. I mean, can you believe that in 1999, we had nearly 50 Rainforest Cafes, and now we’re down to almost 20?” — JIMMY FALLONClimate ChangesPresident Biden’s climate summit was a related hot topic, with late-night hosts touching on the president’s announcement that the United States will cut its carbon emissions in half by 2030.“Added Biden, ‘Of course that responsibility will ultimately fall to President the Rock.’” — SETH MEYERS“Other countries are cautiously optimistic now. They’re like, ‘OK, but last year, weren’t you the guys saying climate change isn’t real? Which America are we talking to?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The science is absolutely clear that it’s necessary to avoid a worldwide catastrophe. No one should be against this, so naturally, almost every Republican is against this.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Climate change is getting harder to ignore. Last year, wildfires blazing in the Arctic Circle set new emissions records, the Atlantic hurricane season raged stronger than ever, and we reached the end of the hottest decade ever recorded. Most of that came in the last year due to the rise in ‘Bridgerton’ butt.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The tone of the summit was that we’re all responsible. But you know, Costa Rica was looking at the U.S. and China like: ‘Yeah, this is all our fault, right? Yeah. We’re all to blame.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Earth Day Edition)“Happy Earth Day! Everyone is in the spirit. This morning at 7-Eleven, I saw a rat drinking a Big Gulp with a metal straw.” — JIMMY FALLON“Today was Earth Day. ‘Ah, yes, the place I’m totally from,’ said Mark Zuckerberg.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, today was Earth Day even though I didn’t planet.” — SETH MEYERS“Today was the 51st Earth Day, although the Earth was like, ‘Let’s say — let’s just tell people I’m 35.’” — JAMES CORDEN“Humans celebrating Earth Day is like fleas celebrating Dog Day.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingDesus and Mero caught up with a friend of the show, Issa Rae, about her official new status as media mogul after Ms. Rae, the “Insecure” creator and star, signed an eight-figure deal with WarnerMedia.Also, Check This OutFans have gotten their wish: LeVar Burton is slated to guest-host “Jeopardy!” the last week of July.Etienne Laurent/EPA, via ShutterstockAfter fans campaigned online, LeVar Burton will guest-host “Jeopardy.” More

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      Seth Meyers: Chauvin Verdict Confirms ‘What We Saw With Our Own Eyes’

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      “As we’ve explained on this show many times before, the culture and system of policing in this country must be dismantled and reformed,” Meyers said on Wednesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Holding Out for Justice for AllOn Wednesday, as Derek Chauvin’s conviction in the killing of George Floyd continued to reverberate around the country, Seth Meyers said it was “at the very least a relief to have what we saw with our own eyes confirmed by a court of law, even if it’s still a sorrow moment for grief and mourning, because this one verdict alone does not mean justice is done.”“True justice would mean George Floyd would still be alive today. True justice would mean Black people no longer having to live in fear of being killed by police. But there was at least accountability, which is hopefully a comfort to George Floyd’s family, and all those mourning his death, and a first step toward true justice and the reform we so desperately need, because it is undeniably the case that this is not the end of the story. As we’ve explained on this show many times before, the culture and system of policing in this country must be dismantled and reformed.” — SETH MEYERSSamantha Bee and Stephen Colbert also described Chauvin’s conviction on all charges as just a step in the right direction on a long path to righting generations of injustice.“While yesterday’s guilty verdicts are a step toward justice, they don’t change the fact that a man was murdered and Black people are still being killed by police. We have a long way to go to make this a country that, I don’t know, actually treats everybody like human [expletive] beings?” — SAMANTHA BEE“Americans are still emotionally processing yesterday’s verdict by a Minnesota jury that found Derek Chauvin guilty on three counts in the murder of George Floyd. It brings up a lot of complex feelings, because no jury verdict can bring George Floyd back, but the news of this accountability was celebrated across the nation, in Minnesota, New York and across the street from the White House, in Black Lives Matter Plaza, where people were dancing and crying with relief. What a difference 11 months make: Last time they were crying from tear gas and rubber bullets.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, the problem of police violence against people of color is still far from solved. While this is a welcome verdict, it’s like wiping up a spill on the Titanic: Good job, now let’s focus on the water pooling around our ankles.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, it should not take nine minutes of damning video to get some accountability. There’s a reason the Pledge of Allegiance doesn’t say, ‘With liberty and justice for all who are being filmed on an iPhone. Otherwise, sucks to be you!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Misleaders Edition)“We can see the injustice with our own eyes, but there’s a whole industry of people, from police unions, to private prisons, to cable pundits, whose very lucrative job is to try to convince us that what we can see and hear with our own eyes and ears is not real. In fact, it’s worth going back and reading the initial police description of Floyd’s murder before the video came out to see just how deeply detached from reality it was. Here’s the official headline: ‘Man dies after medical incident during police interaction.’ It’s shocking. It’s hard to fathom. It’s like writing a book report about ‘Lord of the Flies’ called, ‘Kids successfully cooperate during tropical vacation, remain lifelong friends.’” — SETH MEYERS“Many Americans on Twitter, on various platforms, have spoken passionately, powerfully, about the verdicts and their significance yesterday, but none spoke less eloquently than Tucker Carlson of Fox News.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“After former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin was found guilty yesterday, Fox News host Tucker Carlson claimed the jury was intimidated into the guilty verdict by the protests and the Black Lives Matter movement, which is frustrating for Carlson, because he put a lot of work into intimidating that jury.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee made the case for federal legalization of marijuana on Wednesday’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe Olympic champion gymnast Simone Biles will join Jimmy Fallon on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutIn “Minari,” Steven Yeun, front, portrays a Korean immigrant who moves with his family to rural Arkansas in the 1980s; Lee Isaac Chung directed.David Bornfriend/A24With more female directors and people of color nominated for Oscars, the coronavirus pandemic seemed to have a positive effect on the diversity of this year’s Academy Awards. More

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      How Late Night Addressed the Derek Chauvin Verdict

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      “It’s hard to celebrate, because a man is still dead, but there is a sense of relief that at least this one injustice was not compounded with indifference,” said a somber Stephen Colbert.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘A Step in the Right Direction’On Tuesday night, several late-night hosts addressed the breaking news that Derek Chauvin, a former police officer in Minneapolis, had been convicted of murder in the death of George Floyd. The case prompted mass racial justice protests last year after Chauvin, who is white, was filmed kneeling on the neck of Floyd, who was Black, for more than nine minutes as Floyd pleaded for his life.“After 10 hours of deliberation, a jury in Minneapolis decided that it’s illegal for the police to murder people; that Black lives matter,” said Stephen Colbert.“It’s hard to celebrate, because a man is still dead, but there is a sense of relief that at least this one injustice was not compounded with indifference. And it could easily have gone the other way. No matter what you saw on that tape, this nation does not have a great track record on this subject. But at least in this case, this man faces accountability.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But justice is a far more difficult goal. America still has a problem of over-policing and systemic racism, but hopefully this is a step toward a future where police being held accountable for their actions isn’t headline material, and a hope that accountability today is a deterrent for tomorrow.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Today is one stop on a journey that began last May and led to protests calling for that accountability in every town and every city in America. But this is just one stop. There is more work to be done, and it’s work that all of us should be committed to, because as Ben Crump, the Floyd family lawyer, reminded us today, justice for Black America is justice for all America.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And while this is a step in the right direction, there’s still a lot of work to be done. Too often, justice isn’t served, and the need for police reform remains. We all must continue to call out injustice until things change for the better.” — JIMMY FALLON“Real justice would be Black Americans not having to live in fear of being stopped by police and killed, and surely that is a verdict that we need to work towards. And that can be the verdict that one day we can celebrate.” — JAMES CORDEN“I think we’re all grateful that it went the way that it did. In this case, the jury made the correct decision, a unanimous decision, which is a step in the right direction. And I hope the verdict itself brings comfort to the family of George Floyd and all those who mourn his death. And I also want to say, ‘Good luck in prison, Derek, you’ll need it.’ That’s right. I hope you’re there for a very long time.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (National Holiday Edition)“4/20, of course, is a holiday for pot smokers and pot eaters who celebrate 4/20 by doing pretty much exactly what they do every day.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I read that 40 percent of people who smoke think 4/20 should be a national holiday, while the rest skipped work today because they thought it was a national holiday.” — JIMMY FALLON“Right now there is so much smoke in New York City, every apartment looks like it elected a new pope.” — JIMMY FALLON“And this April 20 is the big one, because today, 4/20 turned 50. Fifty! That means it’s old enough to sneak off into the garage while the kids are at soccer practice and smoke half a joint, but then it has a panic attack, so it spends the afternoon on the couch drinking water and watching QVC. Far out, man.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is the 50th anniversary because, back in 1971, a group of California high school students used to gather to smoke pot every day at 4:20 p.m. Admirable punctuality for a group of kids who were always high.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Not really as edgy, is it, as it used to be? Do you know what I mean? Now that marijuana is legal in California, you know? Sort of feels like the equivalent of White Wine Day.” — JAMES CORDEN“I hope we don’t get caught up in the commercialism of 4/20 and forget the real meaning of 4/20, you know?” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingMike Lindell, the MyPillow founder and fiercely loyal Trump supporter, responded to Jimmy Kimmel’s Monday-night monologue, in which the host jokingly invited him on his show.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightRicky Martin will perform on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutChris Buck for The New York TimesSeth Rogen, above, has made a pivot from Hollywood stoner to homemade ceramist. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Heckles ‘Future Former Florida Congressman’ Matt Gaetz

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      Kimmel poked fun at Gaetz and his friend Joel Greenberg for making their Venmo transactions public: “One of those ‘salads’ cost more than $1,000 — I guess they added avocado.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Public FinanceJimmy Kimmel poked fun at “future former Florida congressman” Matt Gaetz on Thursday night over the more than 150 public Venmo transactions that Gaetz and his friend Joel Greenberg made to dozens of young women.“Three payments for $500, $500, $250, labeled ‘ice cream’; five other payments labeled ‘salad,’” Kimmel noted. “One of those ‘salads’ cost more than $1,000 — I guess they added avocado.”“Two of the transactions were for ‘stuff’ and ‘other stuff.’ And let me just say this: It’s bad enough that Matt Gaetz is implicated in doing ‘stuff.’ But ‘other stuff’? That’s outrageous.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And, of course, we know about all of this because stupid Joel Greenberg made his Venmo transactions public, as did Matt Gaetz. They didn’t check the privacy box. What’s the opposite of a criminal mastermind?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Chances are pretty high that if you’ve broken the law, there’s evidence of it on your phone, especially since Gaetz was reportedly using Cash App and Venmo to make payments to his indicted buddy. Used to be when politicians broke the law, they stuffed an envelope full of $100 bills and met their contact in a parking garage. Now they just Venmo a buddy with an emoji of an envelope stuffed with cash.” — SETH MEYERS“I’d say along with getting your phone seized, being chased down a flight of stairs by a crowd of reporters and getting hustled into the back seat of a waiting car isn’t a sign that things are going great. That’s classic corrupt politician stuff. No one ever in that situation is in it for a good reason: ‘Sir, sir, can you tell us how you cured cancer?’ ‘I didn’t cure cancer; stop spreading lies about me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to be rushed into this unmarked van.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Northern Exposure Edition)“In Canada yesterday, a member of Parliament, which is Canada’s equivalent to our House of Representatives, accidentally exposed himself on an official government Zoom meeting. His camera was on, he didn’t know it, and everyone saw his Canadian bacon.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This is the Canadian version of storming the Capitol.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“People alerted him right after they took a million screen shots.” — JIMMY FALLON“Before putting on pants, he was like, ‘It’s cold here today in Canada, isn’t it cold? Everyone’s talking about how cold it is.’” — JIMMY FALLON“He was completely nude. He was changing after a jog, and thought his camera was off. From now on you can call me that guy’s camera because I am turned on.” — JAMES CORDEN“The member of Parliament apologized and explained it was an innocent mistake — but also, if you want to see more, check out his OnlyFans page.” — JAMES CORDEN“Of course, he apologized — he’s Canadian. He would have apologized whether it happened or not.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But can you imagine if this happened here? If Jerry Nadler started swinging his thing around on camera?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth Watching“The Daily Show” detailed what it’s like for Black families to have “the talk.”Also, Check This OutIn “Mare of Easttown,” Kate Winslet plays a Pennsylvania detective dealing with missing girls and mounting personal problems.Michele K. Short/HBOKate Winslet plays a small-town cop investigating the murders of several young women in HBO’s new mini-series, “Mare of Eassttown.” More

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      Stephen Colbert Applauds Biden’s ‘Endgame’ for Afghanistan’s ‘Infinity War’

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      Colbert pointed out that the conflict “has been going on so long, the first ‘Iron Man’ movie opens with Tony Stark in Afghanistan.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Twenty Years LaterPresident Biden announced on Wednesday that American troops will leave Afghanistan by Sept. 11 after nearly 20 years of war.“When he was V.P., Joe was ‘the most senior dissenting voice against a surge in Afghanistan back in 2008 and 2009,’” Stephen Colbert said, quoting from a news report. “This war’s been going on so long, Biden’s been trying to get the troops out since he was just ‘regular’ old. Now he’s ‘Mountain Dew Baja Blast Extreme’ old.”“The cost: A tragic loss of human life and a duffel bag of your cash they called ‘ghost money.’ Because spending $2 trillion with no clear definition of victory is pretty spooky.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Biden is getting criticism from people who say if America leaves Afghanistan then it will become a failed state, and that is a real danger. But on the other hand, America has been there for 20 years — is it supposed to stay there forever? Because if that is going to be the case, then I mean, America should at least make Afghanistan a U.S. state. And the good news with that is it would eliminate Afghanistan’s terrorism problem completely, because we all know that once terrorists are American, they’re not terrorists anymore — they are just frustrated citizens who are having a bad day.” — TREVOR NOAH“During his remarks, Biden announced that withdrawal would begin on May 1. When the troops get home, they’re gonna be like, ‘Why are all the bars closed?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Despite the fact that 2,400 service members gave their lives, the ongoing war in Afghanistan received not even a mention at the presidential debates. Oh, but how can you expect a ground war in Asia to compete with the urgent threat of windmill cancer?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (No Endgame Edition)“President Biden said today he will withdraw all U.S. troops from Afghanistan by September 11 during a speech in the White House Treaty Room, which is where former President George W. Bush announced the start of the war. In fact, all the decorations were still up.” — SETH MEYERS“The war in Afghanistan has been going on for almost 20 years. To put that another way, this war is too old to date Matt Gaetz.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Twenty years is a long time. Those are 17th-century European numbers. That’s the kind of war you fight because the Spanish contessa rejected your proposal to unite the kingdoms and eloped with the Duke of Saxony.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The war in Afghanistan may finally be over, and people, it’s about time. It’s been what, 19 years? No war should ever be old enough to serve in itself.” — TREVOR NOAH“It’s been going on so long, the first ‘Iron Man’ movie opens with Tony Stark in Afghanistan. This conflict’s older than the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It’s an ‘Infinity War’ with no ‘Endgame.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee opened Wednesday’s “Full Frontal” by tracking anti-Asian racism throughout American history.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightAnderson Cooper will appear on “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” where he is likely to discuss his upcoming gig as guest host of “Jeopardy!”Also, Check This OutPhoto Illustration by Julia Panek; Photos via Getty ImagesCelebrities who gave product endorsements used to be accused of “selling out.” Now they’re hailed as savvy investors and giving the performances of their careers. More

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      Jimmy Fallon Pokes Fun at Johnson & Johnson’s Vaccine Pause

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      “That’s right, they’re recommending a pause. Then anyone who’s ever been dumped was like: ‘Oh, boy. We know what “pause” means,’” Fallon said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.What Are the Odds?Johnson & Johnson was the talk of late night on Tuesday after the F.D.A. advised a pause in using its Covid vaccine because six recipients developed blood clots within two weeks of vaccination.“That’s right, they’re recommending a pause. Then anyone who’s ever been dumped was like: ‘Oh, boy. We know what “pause” means,’” Jimmy Fallon joked.“But statistically speaking, six is not that significant, since nearly seven million people in the U.S. have received Johnson & Johnson shots so far. That’s less than one in a million. To put that in perspective, it’s slightly better odds than you have of getting to visit Willy Wonka’s Fantabulous Chocolate Factory, which, for the record, kills or maims four out of the five children who step foot inside.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You realize that means you’re more likely to get struck by lightning 10 times, which, by the way, is the origin story of Marvel’s most useless superhero.” — TREVOR NOAH“That means the odds are less than one in a million. It’s .0000009 — that’s more zeros than in the Trump family.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And don’t forget, yes, yes — you might have a 0.0001 percent chance of getting blood clots from this vaccine, but if you get coronavirus, you can get lung damage, heart damage, neurological damage, strokes, seizures, Guillain-Barré syndrome, immune disorders, erectile dysfunction and, get this, also blood clots.” — TREVOR NOAH“And today if you had a Johnson & Johnson appointment in New York, they gave out Pfizer instead. Yeah, it’s like going to a restaurant and hearing, ‘We’re out of Coke; is Dom Pérignon OK?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, it’s a really rare event. It’s like seeing a working self-checkout machine at CVS, that’s how rare.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Johnson v. Johnson Edition)“Honestly, if you ask me, I think it’s impressive Johnson & Johnson even made a vaccine with such a low chance of blood clots. Pfizer and Moderna are drug companies; Johnson & Johnson makes baby shampoo — I’m surprised their [expletive] works at all.” — TREVOR NOAH“When reached for comment, Johnson said it was Johnson’s fault, but Johnson pointed the finger at Johnson.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I blame the second Johnson. He never graduated high school.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Damn it, Johnson & Johnson, you had one jab.” — JAMES CORDEN“Johnson & Johnson is owned by the same family who owns the New York Jets, so don’t think of this as a pause; think of it more like a 50-year rebuild.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingTaylor Swift revealed the inspiration for her song “Hey Stephen” on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe comedian Margaret Cho will be on Wednesday’s “A Little Late With Lilly Singh.”Also, Check This OutNina Totenberg, Linda Wertheimer and Cokie Roberts in 1979.NPRLisa Napoli’s “Susan, Linda, Nina & Cokie” chronicles four journalists who helped to establish NPR in the 1970s. More