Colbert, Stephen

Subterms

    More stories

    • 100 Shares139 Views

      in Television

      Stephen Colbert Mocks Republicans’ Suspicious Minds on Vaccines

      by

      “Despite vaccines becoming more available, there’s still one thing holding Americans back: Americans,” Colbert lamented on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Calling TrumpStephen Colbert gave an update on the Covid-19 vaccination campaign on Tuesday night, lamenting that progress has been slow with a certain group of people.“Despite vaccines becoming more available, there’s still one thing holding Americans back: Americans,” Colbert deadpanned before launching into reports that Republicans were refusing vaccines in high percentages.“Because in a CBS poll, a third of Republicans said they would not be vaccinated. Come on, Republicans! Not everything is political. How do we convince you that you want it? Would it feel safer if the vaccine was administered by an AR-15?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Many of the Republicans polled cited ‘distrust of government’ as a reason to not be vaccinated. They worry the vaccines were produced too quickly. Duh! It was produced quickly because all of science dropped everything because your president wanted them to, and they did everything right with clinical trials! You wouldn’t stand in front of your burning house and tell the Fire Department, ‘Hold on, there, hold on — you fellas got here suspiciously fast.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“One potential side effect of the coronavirus vaccine is that people are exposed to the idea that government can get things done.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThere have been suggestions that Donald Trump, who did not appear with the four other living former presidents in a recent ad promoting the vaccines, should do more to encourage his supporters to get inoculated.“I don’t know why Trump isn’t promoting the vaccine. I mean, maybe he doesn’t want to help Joe Biden end the pandemic. You know, maybe he’s still trying to unload all that hydroxychloroquine that he bought last summer. The question is, why are Republicans so hesitant to get the vaccine in the first place? Well, it might be because their most trusted friends are telling them it can’t be trusted.” — TREVOR NOAH“And I can’t say that I’m surprised that Trump isn’t making an effort to get people vaccinated. I mean, the man barely did his job when he had his job; you think he’s going to start working now? For free?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Sister Act Edition)“But President Biden has been trying to reach out to North Korea for weeks. Kim Jong-un isn’t having it. I don’t know if he’s tried sending a love letter — I hear Kim is really into those.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“At first I thought the reason for the lack of response might be that Kim Jong-un uses a fax machine, but then I remembered Biden does, too, so.” — JIMMY FALLON“After a long period of silence, Kim Jong-un’s sister, Khloé Jong-un — or, I mean, is it Kourtney? Kourtney Jong-un lashed out.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“She warned the Biden administration that if it wants peace it had better, quote, ‘refrain from causing a stink at its first step. We take this opportunity to warn the new U.S. administration trying hard to give off powder smell in our land.’ I’m sure it sounds more threatening in Korean.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You don’t need to ask the ‘No malarkey’ guy to not cause a stink. He’s got it covered.” — JAMES CORDEN“That’s not how you talk to another country, is it? That’s how you talk to a spouse right before you go to a dinner party. You’re like: ‘Please avoid talking to Hank about politics. I don’t want you causing a stink.’” — JAMES CORDEN“Also I like that Kim Jong-un had his sister deliver the message. It’s like North Korea’s version of ‘I heard a noise in America; go check it out.’” — JIMMY FALLON“By the way, it’s rare that a dictator’s sibling speaks out. I don’t remember reading about any stern warnings from Lois Hitler.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s funny because North Korea thinks these statements they make are sick burns but they always sound like riddles instead. It’s like: ‘If you wish to cross the bridge, be wise not to anger us like the cat who swallowed mushrooms unwashed.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, nice try, North Korea, but we’re America — we haven’t slept well for the past five years.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Late Night” writers Jenny Hagel and Amber Ruffin poke fun at the Utah Black History Museum and myths that vaccines can turn people gay in Tuesday’s return of “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe actress Laverne Cox will pop by Wednesday’s “A Little Late With Lilly Singh.”Also, Check This Out“I’m finally being honest with myself,” the singer Demi Lovato said.Ryan Pfluger for The New York TimesThe singer Demi Lovato opened up to The New York Times about her queerness, her near fatal overdose and her journey to living her truth. “I’m ready to feel like myself,” she said. More

    • 113 Shares119 Views

      in Television

      Jimmy Kimmel Reminisces About One Year of ‘Living Contagiously’

      by

      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightJimmy Kimmel Reminisces About One Year of ‘Living Contagiously’“If somebody said ‘N95’ to you one year ago, you’d think they were a bingo caller,” Kimmel joked on America’s “coronaversary.”“The traditional gift for a one-year anniversary is paper, so I figured toilet paper makes the most sense,” Kimmel said while throwing some to a socially distanced audience of employees.Credit…ABCMarch 12, 2021, 1:45 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.One Year Later, Gifts for EveryoneJimmy Kimmel celebrated America’s “coronaversary” on Thursday night, referring to it as “one year of living contagiously.”“The traditional gift for a one-year anniversary is paper, so I figured toilet paper makes the most sense,” he said, while tossing the most in-demand item from last March to a sparse, socially distanced audience made up of “Jimmy Kimmel Live” employees.“I think we all remember where we were when we heard the news, because we’re all still there.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Well, it’s been exactly one year since we’ve had an audience, and I’ve got to say, I really miss the laughs, the energy, and of course, keeping the lost wallets.” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, it was a year ago today that we had our last show with a full audience. Six days later, I did the show from home, and six days after that, both my kids had agents.” — JIMMY FALLON“I remember that day like it was yesterday. Everything was shutting down, people were scared, grocery stores were ransacked, so I got up on a chair in the office and gave an inspirational speech where I said to my staff, ‘Gang, I know you’re terrified, but this is our moment. People are counting on us. So let’s get out there and put on the best [expletive] show of our lives!’ And then I looked down and the room was empty except for a tumbleweed that rolled past, stole a bottle of Purell off my desk and then left.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Way We Were Edition)“And today marks one year since the World Health Organization declared Covid-19 a pandemic. Prior to that, it was actually categorized as a legume.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“If somebody said ‘N95’ to you one year ago, you’d think they were a bingo caller.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Remember when we were carefully disassembling our Instacart deliveries like a munitions expert in ‘The Hurt Locker’? Watch out, the Chipotle could explode!” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, it’s also the one-year anniversary of the first time I Lysol-ed a banana. But not the last.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s also been one year since we all trapped ourselves inside our homes with stockpiles of gin and red wine, watching ‘Tiger King’ and ‘Love Is Blind’ while clinging to our last shreds of toilet paper like a plank floating in the water after a shipwreck.” — SETH MEYERS“I think we all remember where we were when we heard the news, because we’re all still there.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, the past year was just like flying United Airlines. The engine fell off, but somehow we still made it.” — JIMMY FALLON“If you had told me a year ago that nearly 100 million Americans would be vaccinated for Covid by March 2021, I would have said, ‘What are you talking about? They said this will be over in two weeks. All we’ve got to do is flatten the curve, that’s it. When the warm weather comes, it will just disappear.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingThe writer and chef Eddie Huang talked with Desus and Mero about his new movie, “Boogie,” and his feelings about recent racially driven attacks on Asian-Americans.Also, Check This OutCredit…Nathaniel Russell, Alex Kalman, Sinna NasseriSeventy-five musicians, authors, directors, comedians, painters and playwrights answer seven questions about creativity and productivity (or lack thereof) in the pandemic.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

    • 113 Shares99 Views

      in Television

      Stephen Colbert Celebrates the Passing of the Stimulus Bill

      by

      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightStephen Colbert Celebrates the Passing of the Stimulus Bill“There you go, baby. You’re rich! Buy yourself something nice, like rent or medicine,” Colbert said on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”The Biden administration promised that some Americans would receive checks by the end of March. “Do you know what that means? There’s finally going to be an end of March!” Stephen Colbert rejoiced.Credit…CBSMarch 11, 2021, 2:15 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trillions in StimulationCongress passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus aid bill on Wednesday, with Democrats sending the measure to President Biden despite no Republican support.“Something historic happened on Capitol Hill, and it wasn’t punching a cop and pooping on the rug,” Stephen Colbert said, adding, “It’s a pretty low bar.”“With this passage, the government is about to send $1,400 stimulus checks to millions of Americans. There you go, baby. You’re rich! Buy yourself something nice, like rent or medicine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Huge news. With $1,400 a year into the pandemic, you can finally pay May 2020’s rent.” — JAMES CORDEN“The $1.9 trillion price tag brings the total spent on Covid relief to $5.5 trillion. By comparison, adjusted for inflation, World War II cost the U.S. government roughly $4 trillion. Hopefully, we’ll get some great coronavirus movies like ‘Inoculating Private Ryan,’ or one about your uncle who still wears his mask below his nose, ‘Dumb Kirk.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The administration says a large number of Americans could receive their $1,400 stimulus payments before the end of March. Do you know what that means? There’s finally going to be an end of March!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The money will be going out soon, and really, what’s more reassuring than the phrase, ‘Don’t worry, the check’s in the mail’?” — JAMES CORDEN“Most Americans are thrilled the bill passed. In fact, President Biden is so amped, he just bit his dog.” — JIMMY FALLON“One point nine trillion dollars. That’s like a dollar for every email you got this year that started with, ‘In these challenging times.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Biden might not need to work too hard to sell his stimulus plan, because according to polls, 75 percent of voters said they support the package, and Biden’s approval rating since he took office is a steady 57 percent. Old steady Joe: He may not be as exciting as the last guy we were with, but, you know, he’s good with kids, in that he cares whether they live in poverty.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Republican’t or Won’t Edition)“The House passed the $1.9 trillion coronavirus relief bill today. Democrats are calling it a landmark bill that will give Americans desperately needed financial assistance during a pandemic, while Republicans are calling it ‘not what Dr. Seuss would have wanted.’” — SETH MEYERS“It will give Americans more access to health care and boost the vaccination rate. So naturally, Republicans are against it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“No Republicans voted for the bill in the House or in the Senate, even though more than 70 percent of Americans support it. The only other Bill 70 percent of Americans support is Murray.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s very rare to have that, but Republicans in Congress can’t support it because Democrats in Congress do support it. If a meteor was hurtling toward the earth and Chuck Schumer said, ‘We’ve got to stop this,’ Mitch McConnell would be like, ‘No we don’t. No we don’t. Could lead to socialism.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee investigated the women of QAnon on Wednesday’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightPhoebe Bridgers, a Grammy nominee for Best New Artist, will appear on Thursday’s “Late Night With Seth Meyers” ahead of Sunday’s awards show.Also, Check This OutCredit…Antoine CosséMany Hollywood actors came from theater, so why aren’t more helping to keep Broadway alive in the pandemic?AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

    • 100 Shares99 Views

      in Television

      Royals’ Interview Response Rings Hollow to Late-Night Hosts

      by

      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightRoyals’ Interview Response Rings Hollow to Late-Night HostsStephen Colbert was puzzled by the British monarchy’s concern about being seen as out of touch: “Because if there’s one thing the palace surrounded by iron spikes looked like before, it was ‘in touch.’”Late-night hosts read from the British royal family’s response to Oprah Winfrey’s interview with Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex.Credit…CBSMarch 10, 2021Updated 6:57 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Royally Out of TouchLate-night hosts on Tuesday discussed the British royal family’s response to Oprah Winfrey’s interview with Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, which included allegations of racism that observers say could cause lasting damage to the monarchy.“Palace sources say the Windsors were blindsided because they thought at worst, the interview would make them look out of touch,” Stephen Colbert said. “Because if there’s one thing a palace surrounded by iron spikes looked like before, it was ‘in touch.’ Now, remember not to make eye contact with the lady whose face is on the coins.”“Buckingham Palace today released a statement on behalf of the queen that begins, ‘The whole family is saddened’ — saddened is another word for bull [expletive] — ‘to learn the full extent of how challenging the last few years have been for Harry and Meghan.’ Oh, they just found out. ‘The issues raised, particularly that of race, are concerning. While some recollections may vary, they will be addressed privately.’ In other words, Prince Charles is about to get a royal shoe in his [expletive].” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The statement continues, ‘They are taken very seriously and will be addressed by the family privately.’ Oh, no doubt. I hear Prince Andrew has an island he goes to to address his privates.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“For those who aren’t fluent in palace speak, they’re basically saying, ‘We’re sorry you feel this way.’” — JIMMY FALLON“The statement would have sounded more sincere if they didn’t end it with, ‘So, we good?’” — JIMMY FALLONEmotional ExitHosts also couldn’t resist poking fun at the television anchor Piers Morgan, who resigned from “Good Morning Britain” on Tuesday after being called out on air for frequently speaking ill of Meghan.“That’s right, after months of criticizing Meghan Markle for making an emotional exit, Piers stormed offstage in an emotional exit.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, Piers is leaving, and he asked to be taken in by Tyler Perry and given full security.” — JIMMY FALLON“Piers Morgan is such a baby, someone at Buckingham Palace just asked what color he’s gonna be.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Congratulations. Tomorrow’s going to be a great morning, Britain.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Dog Bites Man Edition)“Speaking of aggressive behavior, at the White House there’s been what has been described as ‘a biting incident’ involving President Biden’s German shepherd, Major, who allegedly sank his teeth into an unnamed individual. Major has been stripped of his rank; he’s dishonorably discharged.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Now, before you worry, the dog is fine. He wasn’t sent to a farm upstate in Delaware, because Delaware doesn’t have an upstate. It barely has a state.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Apparently Major was jumping, barking and charging at people. You’d think after the last four years, the White House staff would be used to that.” — JIMMY FALLON“I just want to point out that we’re a month and a half into the Biden administration and the first scandal is literally ‘Dog Bites Man.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“They sent him back home to live in Delaware. See, that’s another difference between Biden and Trump: When Biden’s dog misbehaves, they send him home. When Trump’s dog misbehaved, he sent his supporters to storm the Capitol and get him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“When Major heard he was going back to Delaware, he was like, ‘No, please! A kennel, the pound, anything — just not Delaware.’” — JIMMY FALLON“See, under the last administration, that kind of behavior would have made you press secretary.” — SETH MEYERS“Major was removed from the White House. He was impooched.” — JAMES CORDEN“Yep, Major and Champ have left the White House, and Sunday night they’re sitting down with Oprah to discuss where it all went wrong.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth Watching“Conan” compiled all the edited American ads that played during the British airing of the Oprah interview.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe actor Kevin Bacon will appear on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutNorton Juster in 2011 at his home in Northampton, Mass. “The idea of children looking at things differently is a precious thing,” he once said. “The most important thing you can do is notice.”Credit…Bill Greene/The Boston Globe, via Getty ImagesThe late Norton Juster changed children’s literature with his 1961 illustrated classic “The Phantom Tollbooth.”AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

    • 75 Shares129 Views

      in Television

      Late Night Recaps Oprah’s Royal Interview

      by

      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightLate Night Recaps Oprah’s Royal Interview“You know things are bad at Buckingham Palace if they came to America to get away from racism,” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Monday night.Jimmy Kimmel said Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan, had made a number of startling accusations. He added, “The governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, vigorously denied all of them, just out of reflex.”Credit…ABCMarch 9, 2021, 1:41 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Spilling the TeaLate night spent Monday recapping some of the biggest reveals from Oprah Winfrey’s bombshell interview with Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle, including racism the couple experienced after Meghan, who is biracial, joined the British royal family.“Harry said racism was a big part of their decision to leave, which you know things are bad at Buckingham Palace if they came to America to get away from racism,” Jimmy Kimmel said.“Everyone thinks marrying a prince is like a fairy tale. Turns out, it’s not. Meghan Markle said that when she joined the royal family, they took away her passport, driver’s license and keys. ‘Welcome to the royal family. Please remove your belt and get ready for a cavity search.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Meghan said that at one point things got so bad, she went to H.R. at Buckingham Palace for help and they refused to help. It’s funny that the royal palace has H.R. and it’s just as unhelpful as H.R. everyplace else.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Hold up, you’re saying Buckingham Palace has H.R.? How long has that been around? Because you would think someone in Human Resources might have stepped in to tell Henry VIII that chopping off your wife’s head could be interpreted as a hostile work environment.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And her husband Harry made a number of startling accusations. The governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, vigorously denied all of them, just out of reflex today.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that there is a possibility — just a possibility, mind you — that this medieval selective breeding program might be racist.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Also, it’s never good when the British ruling class thinks someone is too dark — they steal their land and make them play cricket.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Awkward is four people in the back seat of a car. Awkward is forgetting your friend’s child’s name. One of your relatives asking you to place your child on the Sherman Williams color wheel is royally [expletive].” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Imagine after centuries of inbreeding, all of a sudden these people are concerned about the color of a baby’s skin.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (‘Royal-ish’ Edition)“Well, guys, I have some news to make people feel a little better, and that is the royal family is just as messed up as everyone else’s.” — JIMMY FALLON“Britain’s Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan Markle sat down for an interview last night with Oprah Winfrey, or as British tabloids reported it, ‘Harry’s kidnapper speaks.’” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, it was a big event, mainly because they revealed the baby’s gender in California without burning down an entire forest.” — JIMMY FALLON“They also told Oprah they’ve been cut off financially. Oprah was like, ‘Sorry, I already gave out all my cars — I can’t help you.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The ratings were so big, ABC just offered the couple their own weekly show called ‘Royal-ish.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth Watching“Conan” had an exclusive look at the response by Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Charles to the Oprah interview on their podcast, “Fiddlesticks.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightKathryn Hahn, a standout member of the “WandaVision” cast, will appear on Tuesday’s “A Little Late With Lilly Singh.”Also, Check This OutFrom left: Taylor Swift, Megan Thee Stallion and Dua Lipa are among the artists announced as performers for the 63rd annual Grammy Awards.Credit…Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images For Iheartmedia, Rich Fury/Getty Images For Visible, Kevin Winter/Getty Images For DcpTrevor Noah will host this Sunday’s Grammy Awards, featuring live performances from Taylor Swift, Billie Eilish, Dua Lipa, BTS, Harry Styles, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

    • 150 Shares99 Views

      in Television

      Jimmy Fallon: Ron Johnson Could Replace Ted Cruz as Most Hated Senator

      by

      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightJimmy Fallon: Ron Johnson Could Replace Ted Cruz as Most Hated SenatorThe “Tonight Show” host joked that the Wisconsin Republican could be more detested for at least the 10 hours that Senate clerks read the 628-page stimulus bill aloud, as Johnson demanded.“On the bright side, after he causes a 10-hour delay, Johnson will immediately get a job offer from Delta,” Jimmy Fallon joked.Credit…NBCMarch 5, 2021, 2:27 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.10 Hours, 628 PagesThe new stimulus bill was being held up in the Senate this week after Senator Ron Johnson, Republican of Wisconsin, demanded clerks read all 628 pages out loud.“Yeah, this means for 10 hours, Ted Cruz wasn’t the most hated senator in Congress,” Jimmy Fallon joked on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”“To make it feel even longer, Johnson hired Gilbert Gottfried to do the reading.” — JIMMY FALLON“You really think that’s going to be a deterrent? We’ve all been in quarantine for a year. I’ve done things that are a lot less exciting than listening to a bill get read aloud for 10 hours.” — SETH MEYERS“That takes guts. Reminds me of the classic film ‘Mr. Smith Forces Senate Clerks to Go to Washington.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Perhaps it’s just Ron Johnson’s way of telling us he can’t read. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Senator. We’re sending LeVar Burton.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The 600-page bill will be read aloud in the Senate for 10 hours. This is the political equivalent of making someone come to your improv show.” — JAMES CORDEN“I’m going to wait until it’s adapted on Netflix. I’ll watch it then, you know?” — JAMES CORDEN“And to all the hungry kids out there, be patient. Ron Johnson is making a symbolic point. You can eat tomorrow or maybe next week — whatever.” — TREVOR NOAH“The only thing built up more than this bill is Oprah’s interview with Meghan Markle.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Not Again Edition)“Today, you know, was supposed to be a big one for the aluminum foil hat crowd.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Because the inauguration used to be on March 4, according to Q-spiracy theorists, today was the day the former POTUS would be restored to the presidency. That did not happen, but he was restored as customer of the month at the Palm Beach KFC/Taco Bell.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to not trust my QAnon message boards.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“These conspiracy aficionados picked the date March 4 because it is the date on which presidents used to be inaugurated in the olden times, which is so random. March 4 is also the anniversary of the first People’s Choice Awards. And by the way, the people chose Joe Biden, so I don’t know. Just get off the Q and call your children — they’re worried about you.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Again? Come on, Q-bees. Remember what Einstein said: ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. Also, QAnon. Those people are [expletive] crazy.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, were these plans ever real? Who knows. But out of an abundance of caution, the House canceled today’s legislative session. It’s kind of like a domestic terrorism snow day in that they’re both dangerous and white.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah shared a brief history of first ladies in a “Daily Show” recurring segment, “If You Don’t Know Now You Know.”Also, Check This OutAdam Scott in “Party Down,” which is being brought back for a six-episode limited series.Credit…StarzStarz is reviving its short-lived cult comedy hit “Party Down” for six new episodes.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

    • 100 Shares139 Views

      in Television

      Stephen Colbert: QAnon Supporters Suffer From ‘March Madness’

      by

      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightStephen Colbert: QAnon Supporters Suffer From ‘March Madness’Colbert poked fun at the group’s latest conspiracy theory that March 4 would be Donald Trump’s true Inauguration Day.“I see patterns where none exist,” Stephen Colbert said, imitating QAnon conspiracy theorists.Credit…CBSMarch 4, 2021, 2:04 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Clinically Insane’Security is being ramped up in Washington, D.C., as law enforcement officials fear more violence based on a QAnon conspiracy theory alleging that March 4 will be Inauguration Day for Donald Trump.“Now, I’m no psychologist, but you could say they’re suffering from ‘March Madness,’” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday night. “Also, they’re clinically insane.”“You see, Q followers were heartbroken on Inauguration Day, which was supposed to be the day that the ‘storm’ came that would keep their guy actually in office. So they’ve moved the date of the storm — when all the arrests and the celebrities and the Democrats happen — to March 4, which was the date of presidential inaugurations up until 1933. [Imitating QAnon follower] ‘Yes, follow me down the rabbit hole. They ended it in 1933, but add up one, nine, three, three. Add up one plus six, you get seven. What is seven? Three plus four — three, four, March 4th, when we shall march forth! [Whispers] I see patterns where none exist.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“How many more times are these people gonna prepare for a victory that doesn’t come? I don’t know who ‘Q’ is, but he’s definitely a Clippers fan.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Still, where there’s a will, there’s a way to cash in, because the former president’s hotel in Washington, D.C., has been jacking up prices around March 4. Sounds cynical, but they are offering premium services: If you’re exhausted from travel, you can just call the front desk and ask the concierge to hang Mike Pence.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Oh, man, what a grift. Honestly, I don’t even blame Trump. If I was him, I would milk the [expletive] out of this thing. I’d be charging my guests for things that they didn’t even buy: ‘Wait a minute — I never bought the Toblerone.’ [Imitating Trump] ‘I guess the Dems stole that, too. I feel your pain.’” — TREVOR NOAH“In a way, I understand — the deeper you fall into something, the less you want to admit you were duped, you know? Which makes you even more desperate to keep the fantasy going. I mean, that’s why I’m sure that the next Kanye album is gonna be great again. It has to be great.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Big Hats, No Masks Edition)“After Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced yesterday that he was lifting coronavirus restrictions, California Governor Gavin Newsom tweeted, ‘Absolutely reckless,’ but I don’t think it helped that he tweeted it from the French Laundry.” — SETH MEYERS“Businesses are now completely open and even the mask mandate has been lifted, to which most Texans replied, ’What mask mandate?’” — JAMES CORDEN“Corona’s not over yet. I mean, Texas is still getting over 7,000 new cases a day, but their governor got vaccinated and now he’s like, ‘Get those clubs back open — I’ma get lit. Aw yeah!’” — TREVOR NOAH“You know Governor DeSantis from Florida is like: ‘Oh. Oh snap. Oh, oh! You’re gonna try to out- Florida Florida?’”— JIMMY FALLON“Texans were like, ‘Fix our electrical grid!’ And the governor’s like, ‘OK, no masks it is.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Plus, I’ve got to be honest: I’m surprised politicians that are so pro-cowboy hat find masks uncomfortable. Maybe it’s my weak neck, but I’d rather wear 100 masks than one of those big old hats.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee explored whether women can “have it all” during a pandemic.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightSacha Baron Cohen, the star of “Borat,” will appear on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“I felt I was born with an absence of some sort, and I think that I’ve spent much of my life trying to fill that void,” said Derek DelGaudio, addressing a major theme in his new book.Credit…Calla Kessler for The New York TimesFans of the magician Derek DelGaudio’s theater show “In & Of Itself” should appreciate all the magic in his memoir, “Amoralman.”AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

    • 113 Shares199 Views

      in Television

      Jimmy Kimmel Skewers Andrew Cuomo Over Sexual Harassment Allegations

      by

      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightJimmy Kimmel Skewers Andrew Cuomo Over Sexual Harassment Allegations“In the span of one month, Andrew Cuomo has somehow done the impossible: He made Bill de Blasio the second-most-hated politician in New York,” Kimmel said.“And the craziest part is there’s a photo of it,” Jimmy Kimmel said of a woman’s allegation that Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo of New York made an unwanted advance at a wedding. “Very rarely does a wedding photographer capture anything interesting at all, but this one did.”Credit…ABCMarch 3, 2021, 2:16 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Opposite of ‘I Do’On Monday, a third woman accused Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo of New York of sexual harassment, saying he made an unwanted advance on her at a wedding in 2019.“And the craziest part is there’s a photo of it,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “Very rarely does a wedding photographer capture anything interesting at all, but this one did.”“In the span of one month, Andrew Cuomo has somehow done the impossible: He made Bill de Blasio the second-most-hated politician in New York.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Sweet Jesus, man, what are you doing? I mean, on the one hand, asking a woman for consent before you kiss them is what you’re supposed to do. But the other part of consent is waiting for them to answer. You don’t just grab them by the face like a bear yanking on a beehive.” — TREVOR NOAH“And it’s not like this happened in 1992, and he could be like, ‘Well, it was a different time.’ This was in 2019. If you’re a public official doing this kind of thing after the #MeToo movement, either you just can’t help yourself, or you’re so dumb you shouldn’t be in office anyway.” — TREVOR NOAH“So now I want to know, was he doing this the whole night, you know? Are the bride and groom going to be looking at their wedding photos like, ‘Aw, honey! Here’s the picture of you smearing the cake on my face. Oh, and there’s the one of Governor Cuomo licking it off.’” — TREVOR NOAH“So in light of these allegations, Cuomo is now facing even more calls to resign. Although, if these allegations prove anything, it’s that Cuomo doesn’t go away when you want him to.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Horton Sees a Problem Edition)“Wow, OK, so what? We’re just going to cancel Dr. Seuss books just because they’re racist? Uh, then what are the racist kids going to read, huh? You didn’t think of that, did you?” — TREVOR NOAH, on Dr. Seuss Enterprises ceasing publication of six Dr. Seuss books because of offensive imagery“And I can understand why they’re pulling a small number of his books. ‘If I Ran the Zoo’ shows racist depictions of Asian characters, saying they’re ‘from countries no one can spell.’ So, ‘China,’ too difficult to spell, but ‘Solla Sollew’? Spelled like it sounds.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The real problem with Dr. Seuss is that all of his made-up words sound like they could be racial slurs. I mean, ‘a Zelf on the Shelf’? ‘The Nupboards in the cupboards’? [expletive], I don’t know what that means, but if a white person called me a Nupboard, we’re throwing down.” — TREVOR NOAH“But still, there may be room for compromise here. Like maybe instead of getting rid of the books completely, they can just update the imagery. For example, take that offensive drawing of the two African men, and put it in a Tucker Carlson thought bubble. That way we all understand, ‘Ah, this is racist.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And not only are they pulling some books out of print, they’re also tweaking some of the books that are in print to make them more inclusive. For instance, we now have ‘The Cat in the Problematic Headdress,’ ‘How the Grinch Appropriated Native American Culture,’ ‘Hop on Pop, With His Consent,’ ‘Horton Hears a They,’ ‘Horton Hears a Misogynist Joke and Reports It to H.R.,’ ‘There’s a Wocket in My Ethically Sourced Sustainable Pocket,’ ‘No Eggs or Ham’ — that’s a vegan thing, I guess — and ‘Yertle the Gender-Fluid Turtle, and Other Stories.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“There hadn’t been an earth-shattering outcry, but they recognized the impact that these images might have on readers, especially kids, and they’re trying to fix it, because Dr. Seuss books should be fun for all people: Black, white, straight, gay, Sneetches — both star-bellied and plain — Loraxes, Barbaloots, all the Whos down in Whoville, and the strange angry creature named Foo-Foo the Snoo.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And it’s especially important to be responsive like this, because Dr. Seuss has also so many books that are lovely and teach vital lessons that resonate to this day. ‘Horton Hears a Who’ is about listening to underrepresented voices. ‘The Butter Battle Book’ teaches tolerance. ‘The Lorax’ teaches environmental ethics. And ‘Hop on Pop’ warns against the dangers of pop-hopping. The next thing that pops might be his aorta.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingAmber Ruffin, a writer on “Late Night With Seth Meyers,” couldn’t get over Texas’s latest troubles and the Free Britney movement in Tuesday night’s “Amber Says What.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightElizabeth Olsen from the Disney+ series “WandaVision” will sit down with Jimmy Fallon on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutSue Lyon and James Mason in Stanley Kubrick’s 1962 movie “Lolita.”Credit…MGMThe actress and screenwriter Emily Mortimer contemplated “Lolita” and its notorious ability to escape obscenity laws.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More