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      John Oliver Interrupts Jon Stewart’s Monologue on ‘The Daily Show’

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      The British host of “Last Week Tonight” said he wanted to be “the first to welcome America to its monarchy era.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Monarchy in the U.S.A.The British comedian, “Daily Show” alumnus and “Last Week Tonight” host John Oliver crashed Jon Stewart’s monologue on Monday.“Are you here to offer America your wisdom and counsel?” Stewart asked.“Oh, no, no, no, no, Jon — I’m here to gloat!” Oliver said.“America had its little fun, didn’t you, experimenting with democracy? You fought so hard to get away from us — acting up, throwing all that tea into the harbor. You still owe us for that, by the way.” — JOHN OLIVER“The point is, you told everybody that you were going to be different. You weren’t going to turn out like your mean old dad who was so horrible to you when you were growing up. So we sat back, we let you spend your wild teen years experimenting with your ridiculous ideas of checks and balances, because deep down, we knew that once you got that nonsense out of your system, you’d be back. In fact, if I may sing from ‘Hamilton.’” [sounds pitch pipe] — JOHN OLIVER“What I’m saying is, let me be the first to welcome America to its monarchy era. Congratulations, everyone, you can now take your place in the pantheon of great empires alongside the British, the Roman, the Klingon, Wakanda, whatever one Babar the elephant was the ruler of, I forget.” — JOHN OLIVER“What I’m saying is, don’t fight being a monarchy, Jon, embrace it. Kings get [expletive] done. Now, is it stuff that you want done? Not necessarily. But they do move quick! They taste cumin at lunch, and they’ve taken over an entire continent by dinner time. That is how the British rolls, Jon. [Expletive] everyone else. They’re not like us. In fact, if I may sing a line from Mr. Kendrick Lamar.” [sounds pitch pipe] — JOHN OLIVERStewart pushed back against “Ambassador Oliver,” saying that the imperial model may not suit America: “Not to be shortsighted, but, spoiler alert, John, things didn’t end up so great for the British Empire.”“We are technically between empires at the moment, but we’re keeping our castles warm and our crowns bejeweled for the day that we get back onto our feet.” — JOHN OLIVER“Have you seen anything America has done over the last 50 years? Because for a country that doesn’t want to be an empire, you’re doing a pretty [expletive] good impression of one right now: invasions, economic exploitations, and now, suggesting turning Gaza into a beachfront casino? Even King George would have been, like, ‘I don’t know, guys. Feels like the situation’s a bit more complicated than that, and I’m literally dying of medieval brain disease.’” — JOHN OLIVER“This shouldn’t be a sad time. The arc of history is so long it eventually becomes a circle, and you end up right where you started. You might even call it the circle of life. In fact, if I may sing the great imperial subject Sir Elton John’s opening Zulu chant from ‘The Lion King.’”[sounds pitch pipe] — JOHN OLIVERThe Punchiest Punchlines (Less-Than-Super Bowl Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Stephen Colbert Is a Little Alarmed About Trump’s Gaza Proposal

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      Colbert wasn’t the only host flabbergasted by President Trump’s plan to take over Gaza, move the Palestinians out and turn it into a resort destination.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.First Dibs on the Gaza StripAt a White House news conference on Tuesday, President Trump said the United States should take over Gaza, which he said could be turned into “the Riviera of the Middle East” once all the Palestinians there had been moved out.On Wednesday’s “Late Show,” the camera cut from that clip to Stephen Colbert in a fright wig. “I’m sorry, that was just so shocking, it made me put a wig on,” he said.“All these years, I don’t know why no one else thought to call shotgun on the Holy Land.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“A source close to the president said it was Trump’s own idea. Everyone was like, ‘Oh, we can tell.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump wants to take over Greenland, Canada and now the Gaza Strip. He’s like everyone at 2 a.m., drunk-ordering off Amazon: ‘[slurring] I’m going to — I’m going to add Gaza Strip to the cart. I want Gaza Strip.” — JIMMY FALLON“This is really what he wants to do. It’s like our country is being run by the maniac from ‘Saw.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Every idea is worse than the last idea. He seems to believe that the reason there’s conflict in Gaza is because no one thought to give them a pickleball court. Everything, no matter what the crisis may be, everything always comes back to real estate with him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The only thing the United Nations and the Taliban have in common is they both think this is a terrible idea.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Gaza Glow-Up Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jon Stewart Thinks Biden Could Have Timed That Pardon Better

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      “Normally, you drop a controversial pardon like the way you buy porn at a gas station: in a flurry of other distracting purchases,” the “Late Night” host said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Hypocrisy Isn’t Illegal’As Thanksgiving weekend drew to a close, President Biden issued a full and unconditional pardon for his son Hunter, despite having repeatedly pledged not to do so. It was the talk of late night on Monday.On “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart questioned the president’s timing.“Normally, you drop a controversial pardon like the way you buy porn at a gas station: in a flurry of other distracting purchases.” — JON STEWART“Thanksgiving! I knew it! Perhaps I can explain the way this pardon went down in my new one-man show, ‘Can You Get Hunter to Stop Looking at Me Like That?’” — JON STEWART“He’s an 82-year-old man — he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life visiting his son in prison.” — JON STEWART“Hypocrisy isn’t illegal, nor is it particularly unusual in politics. It’s not like he’s ever going to run again, so why not take care of your kid, even if you said you weren’t going to? I respect it. I don’t have a problem with it. The problem is, the rest of the Democrats made Biden’s pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of their defense of America.” — JON STEWARTThe Punchiest Punchlines (World’s Greatest Dad Edition)“Yeah, it was a big shopping weekend, and millions of people got great deals, but nobody got a better deal than Hunter Biden.” — JIMMY FALLON“Christmas came early for this guy.” — TYRUS, guest host of “Gutfeld!”“The Biden presidency has now entered the ‘Grandpa doesn’t give a damn about what you think’ phase.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And, yes, Joe Biden did say he wasn’t going to pardon Hunter. But, to be fair, there’s a very good chance he doesn’t remember saying that.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Desi Lydic Digs Into the Sordid Claims Against Matt Gaetz

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      “Your future attorney general, everyone,” Desi Lydic said on “The Daily Show.” “It’s always the people you most expect.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘That Alone Should Be Disqualifying’The lawyer representing two women who testified that former Representative Matt Gaetz paid them for sex described his clients’ testimony with multiple news outlets on Monday. The lawyer, Joel Leppard, said the women said that Gaetz paid money for their services via Venmo and that they traveled with him numerous times, including to New York, where he took them to see “Pretty Woman” on Broadway.“Your future attorney general, everyone,” Desi Lydic said Tuesday on “The Daily Show.” “It’s always the people you most expect.”“And they said he paid for sex with Venmo? Has this guy ever heard of cash? Come on. At the bare minimum, an attorney general should know how to cover up his own crimes.” — DESI LYDIC“The fact that Matt Gaetz was stupid enough to pay for sex with Venmo — that alone should be disqualifying.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That is crazy. Taking a woman you pay for sex to see ‘Pretty Woman’ is like taking a giraffe to the zoo.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s a little on the nose, wasn’t it? I guess ‘High School Musical’ was sold out?” — DESI LYDIC“The worst part is that he apparently took them to watch him on Fox News. God, I hope they charged him extra for that.” — DESI LYDIC“If Trump can’t get his nominees confirmed through the Senate, his team is considering recess appointments. Recess is where Congress temporarily suspends its proceedings — also where Matt Gaetz finds his girlfriends.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (King of the Road Edition)“Trump also just nominated Fox News contributor Sean Duffy to serve as secretary of transportation. Yep. If you’re Irish Catholic like me, you know at least 20 guys named Sean Duffy.” — JIMMY FALLON“Up till now, I have been critical of Trump’s appointees, but I fully support Duffy. First of all, he has real-world experience — in that he was in the cast of MTV’s ‘The Real World: Boston’ in 1997.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, the Debbie Downers out there claim Duffy’s not qualified for this job just because he has little to no experience in the transportation field. Oh, really? Have you forgotten that Mr. Duffy also served a full term on ‘Road Rules: All Stars’?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He hired the guy from ‘Road Rules’ to be secretary of transportation, because of course he did — the word ‘road’ is right in there.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That is one of his least embarrassing picks. Maybe he’ll pick one of the ‘Teen Moms’ to be secretary of labor.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Is Appalled by Trump’s Mile-High McDonald’s Feast

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      The president-elect dined on his plane with some associates — including Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who hates fast food. Jimmy Kimmel called it a “subservience test.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not-So-Happy MealOver the weekend, President-elect Donald Trump shared a photo from his private plane, showing him eating McDonald’s with Elon Musk, Donald Trump Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Speaker Mike Johnson peeked into the frame.“Only Donald Trump would force his new health czar to eat McDonald’s,” Jimmy Kimmel said, referring to Kennedy. “That’s what he does, these are subservience tests.” “This is like the Last Supper, but everyone is Judas.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I love that they essentially hazed R.F.K. Jr., who rails against processed food and has called fast food poison, by not only making him eat McDonald’s but forcing him to take a picture while doing it.” — SETH MEYERS“You can tell it’s McDonald’s, because that is a grimace.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Look at R.F.K. Jr. He’s holding that McDonald’s the way you hold a bag of weed you found in your kid’s room.” — SETH MEYERS“That is the most powerful assemblage of junk food since the Yalta Conference party sub.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Look, I know Trump has been accused and found guilty of many crimes, but certainly none worse than ‘brings Filet-O-Fish on a plane.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT‘There’s No Monopoly on Stupid’On “Real Time,” Bill Maher chided Democrats for losing touch with the average American, saying the party had become “a ‘Portlandia’ sketch.”“Maybe take the clothespins off your noses and actually converse with the other half of the country. Stop screaming at people to get with the program and instead make a program worth getting with.” — BILL MAHER“You love to speak truth to power, and we always should, but you have completely lost the ability to speak truth to [expletive].” — BILL MAHER“You just lost a crazy contest to an actual crazy person.” — BILL MAHER“Even the one concession I’ve heard a few people on the losing side offer — that liberals should stop saying that Trump voters are stupid — comes with a kind of unspoken parentheses: ‘We know they are stupid, just don’t say it.’ Yeah, I got bad news for you: They don’t have a monopoly on stupid.” — BILL MAHERGreg Gutfeld had similar thoughts about the Democrats on Monday.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Chides Biden for Keeping His Cool With Trump

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      “I’m not saying booby-trap the place, but you don’t have to be overly helpful,” Seth Meyers said after the president welcomed Donald Trump to the White House.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Smooth OperatorsOn Wednesday, President Biden hosted President-elect Donald J. Trump at the White House, where they exchanged pleasantries and promised a “smooth transition.”Seth Meyers called Biden’s accommodation “just a little confusing.”“You correctly called him a criminal fascist and threat to democracy. I’m not saying booby-trap the place, but you don’t have to be overly helpful. I mean, how are you going to accommodate him anyway — upgrade all the toilets so they can handle more classified documents?” — SETH MEYERS“Trump said they had a ‘really good’ meeting. He said that Biden was ‘gracious’ and that they ‘really enjoyed seeing each other.’ Last week, Joe Biden was an evil force who weaponized the justice system to put Trump in prison for the rest of his life; today, they had fun.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Joe complimented Trump on overcoming many obstacles that he has also faced, like stairs.” — GREG GUTFELD“Now that’s a man who appreciates a smooth transition of power, as long as it’s transitioning toward him. If it’s transitioning away from him, there’s going to be some Jan. 6-ing, but if it’s toward him, smooth.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I mean, they did both try to hang Mike Pence, just out of tradition, but other than that, it was very cordial.” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Punchiest Punchlines (New Low Edition)“During the campaign, I thought if Trump won, he would do the worst things I could imagine. Turns out, I don’t have much of an imagination.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Matt Gaetz as attorney general — this is a new low. I mean, not as low as our age-of-consent laws are about to be, but pretty low.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Quick question: the Department of Justice isn’t within 100 feet of a school, is it?” — JORDAN KLEPPERWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Processes Donald Trump’s Re-Election

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      “Trump returning to the White House is a huge historic comeback for someone who literally never went away,” Jimmy Fallon said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Infernal FlameLate-night hosts spent Wednesday processing the 2024 election results and former President Donald Trump’s sweeping win.On “The Daily Show,” Desi Lydic lamented that “instead of breaking the glass ceiling, last night America decided to get back with her dirtbag ex.”“Yep, it’s official. America elected its first criminal president before electing its first female president. What a day for proud felonists.” — DESI LYDIC“We’ve had two qualified, accomplished women nominated for president, and both times they lost to the worst man in the whole country.” — DESI LYDIC“Yup, Trump could be the first president to be under White House arrest.” — JIMMY FALLON“All day yesterday, I was walking around proudly wearing my ‘I voted’ sticker. Today, I wore my ‘I am questioning my fundamental belief in the goodness of humanity’ sticker.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, as a late-night host, people often say to me, ‘Come on, part of you has got to want Trump to win because he gives you so much material to work with.’ No, no. No one tells the guy who cleans the bathroom, ‘Wow, you must love it when someone has explosive diarrhea — there’s so much material for you to work with!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I guess this election wasn’t rigged. That’s weird, though, right? I mean, he said it would be rigged. He said it was being rigged while people were in line voting. Isn’t it remarkable that this time, the fix wasn’t in? Last time, the Democrats cheated. This time, we chose not to, I guess.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Donald Trump is like the emperor from ‘Star Wars.’ He’s old, he’s evil and he keeps coming back with no reasonable explanation whatsoever.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Four More Years Edition)“Let me tell you, that was the worst Taco Tuesday of my whole life.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump returning to the White House is a huge historic comeback for someone who literally never went away.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Addresses Your Election Eve Anxiety

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      “It feels like the whole country is waiting to get the results of a biopsy,” Jimmy Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Performance AnxietyThe late-night hosts seem to be as anxious about the election as you are.“It feels like the whole country is waiting to get the results of a biopsy,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday.“These polls — they’re mood rings. That’s all they are. They bring you up, they bring you down. Poll is short for ‘bipolar.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Tomorrow is Election Day and ‘Late Night’ is officially endorsing Xanax 0.5 milligram, twice a day as needed.” — SETH MEYERSOn “Real Time” on Friday, Bill Maher made one last appeal to undecided voters, or as he called them, “the Christmas Eve shoppers of politics — they know the big day is coming, but they just can’t get themselves to do anything about it until the last minute.”“The phrase I hear so much that makes me just want to un-alive myself is, ‘How’s she going to help me?’ Like the president is your personal genie. It’s Kamala, not ‘Kazam.’” — BILL MAHER“And so, dear Christmas Eve voter, I say to you: Things aren’t that bad, but they might get a hell of a lot worse under the rule of a mad king. Do I love everything about Kamala? No. Who told you you get to love everything? Do I wish she came up with a better reason to be president than ‘I’m not Trump’? Yeah, it would have been very helpful. But let’s not forget, ‘I’m not Trump’ is still a really great reason.” — BILL MAHER“But things look so good for Trump, Democrats have already impeached him.” — GREG GUTFELD“The Harris campaign is cautioning against getting too excited. Too late! I have to be excited because I’ve only got two other choices: absolute terror or Absolut vodka.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“If you see someone in the fetal position drenched in sweat, they either just ran the New York City Marathon or they’re waiting for tomorrow’s election.” — JIMMY FALLON“Look, I love this country. I’m an immigrant — I chose to be here. In the words of the late Lee Greenwood, I’m proud to be an American. And I’d argue there is nothing more American than having a healthy adversarial relationship with those in power, even if you voted for them.” — JOHN OLIVERWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More