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      Stephen Colbert Scolds Kristi Noem for Killing Her Puppy

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      “No! Bad, psycho governor! No! Sit down!” Colbert said on Monday’s “Late Show,” spraying water from a bottle.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bad Governor!The South Dakota governor Kristi Noem, an aspiring vice-presidential candidate, has gotten some negative press over her forthcoming book, in which she describes killing a family dog.“Warning: If you like puppies, you’re not going to like Kristi Noem,” Stephen Colbert said on Monday.“Look, I know it sounds terrible, but it’s much worse. Because this wasn’t some rabid 90-pound hellhound on a meth bender — it was a 14-month-old wire-haired pointer named Cricket. Yes, a puppy named Cricket. Reminds me of Stephen King’s first draft of ‘Cujo,’ ‘Snuggles.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“No! Bad, psycho governor! No! Sit down! Bad! Stay! Stay away from dogs!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I don’t know how big her staff is, but I’m guessing she has at least a dozen people working for her, probably more. Not one of those dozen or dozens of people raised a hand and said, ‘Uh, governor? Do you think maybe not a great idea to share that story about shooting a whole petting zoo at your house? Maybe we save shooting a puppy in a gravel pit for the next book, you know?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“By the way, the actual title of Noem’s book where she tells this story is ‘No Going Back.’ Better than her first drafts, ‘Old Yeller 2: He Had it Coming’ and ‘All Dogs Go to Gravel Pit.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Governor Noem, if you don’t like untrainable animals that wolf down chickens, I have bad news about your party’s nominee.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (John Wick Edition)“When you’re trying to win over voters, I’m not sure being the bad guy in a John Wick movie is the best way to go.” — JIMMY FALLON“But who among us hasn’t seen a dog running through the fields, not a care in the world, and thought, ‘You deserve to die’?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, people are really going to hate her next book, ‘Kristi Noem: Then I Ate It.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s one thing to kill a dog named Cricket; it’s another to brag about it in your book. What’s the book even called, ‘I Did It’?” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingAnne Hathaway and Melanie Lynskey played a new game called “Reverse Charades” on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightJerry Seinfeld will discuss his new Netflix film, “Unfrosted,” on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“Challengers,” starring Josh O’Connor and Zendaya, has a number of sultry moments.Metro Goldwyn Mayer PicturesErotically charged films like “Saltburn” and “Challengers” show that sex is making a comeback in cinema. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Dunks on Trump’s Billion-Dollar Stock Bonus

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      “Donald Trump somehow made a lot of money from a company that makes none,” Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Taking StockFormer President Donald Trump is set to receive an additional stake in his social media company after Truth Social’s stock price stayed high and hit certain benchmarks. The additional shares were valued at about $1.3 billion.“It’s nice when good things happen to good people, isn’t it?” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Wednesday.“Donald Trump somehow made a lot of money from a company that makes none.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Honestly, how can this farting dementia patient be making a billion dollars on a company that has $4 million total in revenue? What kind of con artist Wall Street wizardry is this?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (World Peace Edition)“Yes, Taiwan. Now, they’re not at war yet, but you’ve got to make a reservation in advance just to save your spot.” — JORDAN KLEPPER, referring to President Joe Biden signing an aid package for Ukraine, Israel and Taiwan, calling it “a good day for world peace”“A good day for world peace? I’ve wanted one of those!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I wonder what happened — did the nations of the world finally band together to outlaw war? Did they finally buy everyone a Coke? Is there finally peace between Kendrick and Drake? ” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Oh, ‘world peace.’ OK, is peace the one with the tanks?” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Bits Worth WatchingThe Mexican singer-songwriter Christian Nodal performed “La Mitad” on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightKyle Chayka, a writer for The New Yorker, will discuss his book “Filterworld: How Algorithms Flattened Culture” on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutNicole Kidman in “The Hours.” “She is fearless in the characters that she plays,” said the movie’s director, Stephen Daldry.Paramount PicturesThe filmmakers Baz Luhrmann, Stephen Daldry, Gus Van Sant, Jane Campion and Karyn Kusama discuss what makes Nicole Kidman a dream actor for any director ahead of her life achievement award from the American Film Institute. More

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      Late Night Tackles Trump’s Gag Order Hearing

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      “Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money?” Jordan Klepper asked on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Can’t Stop, Won’t StopAttorneys representing former President Donald Trump argued that he did not violate his gag order during Tuesday’s hearing in his criminal trial.“This guy is incapable of keeping his mouth shut for two minutes,” Jordan Klepper said on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.” “Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money?”“He violated the gag order during a hearing about whether he violated the gag order!” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Judge Merchan told Trump’s lead attorney — a guy named Todd Blanche — that his arguments didn’t make sense, that he ‘presented nothing’ and that he was losing ‘all credibility with the court.’ To his credit, Blanche fired back. He said, ‘Your honor, I lost all credibility when I agreed to represent Donald Trump! That is not an issue.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Fortunately, Trump didn’t hear any of it. He was sound asleep. Let One Rip Van Winkle is dozing off so often, they’re going to need one of those N.B.A. sweat-wiper kids to mop the drool puddles off his desk.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“On his way out of the courthouse, Groper Cleveland stopped to tell reporters how uncomfortably cold it is in the room and how very unhappy he is to be there.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Eight hours a day, four days a week — it’s literally torture. Or, as the rest of the world calls it, a job.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I love hearing him complain about how cold it is. Someone should knit him a little pair of mittens to wear into court.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (National Enquirer Edition)“The one and only witness today was Trump’s old pal and former publisher of the National Enquirer, a guy named David Pecker, who looks like if the man on the Pringles can was now dating your mom.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Pecker described what he called a ‘mutually beneficial relationship’ with Trump. It’s weird, the only faithful relationship Trump’s ever been in is with the National Enquirer.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He testified that to help Trump win the 2016 election, he would buy scandalous stories about Trump and then bury them. And what a good job he did — I can’t think of a single Trump scandal.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“But think about how insane it is that our president had a ‘mutually beneficial relationship’ with The National Enquirer. There are only two people on the planet who can say that: Donald Trump and Bigfoot.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jon Stewart Slams the Media for Coverage of Trump Trial

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      “Are you trying to make this O.J.? It’s not a chase — he’s commuting,” Stewart said on Monday’s “Daily Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Media CircusOpening arguments began in former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial on Monday, with much of the news media coverage homing in on as many details as possible about the proceedings.Jon Stewart called the trial a “test of the fairness of the American legal system, but it’s also a test of the media’s ability to cover Donald Trump in a responsible way.”“Perhaps if we limit the coverage to the issues at hand and try not to create an all-encompassing spectacle of the most banal of details, perhaps that would help.” — JON STEWART“He arrived at the intersection of American history, where he put a quarter in the parking meter of destiny, leaving the car, looking to avoid stepping in the urine puddle of jurisprudence.” — JON STEWART, mocking the media’s coverage of Trump’s arrival in court“Seriously, are we going to follow this guy to court every [expletive] day? Are you trying to make this O.J.? It’s not a chase — he’s commuting.” — JON STEWART“At this point, you’re probably saying to yourself, ‘How many television hours have they devoted to what Donald Trump, a man who has not been off any of our screens for more than 30 seconds in the last eight years, looks like?’ The answer is not nearly as many hours as describing his every movement.” — JON STEWART“Look, at some point in this trial, something important and revelatory is going to happen, but none of us are going to notice because of the hours spent on his speculative facial tics. If the media tries to make us feel like the most mundane [expletive] is earth-shattering, we won’t believe you when it’s really interesting. It’s your classic ‘Boy Who Cried Wolf Blitzer.’” — JON STEWART“Look, we’ve got a long ways to go here. It’s the first day of the first of his 438 trials to come. Pace yourselves, and if you’re bored, you can always start planning how you’re going to [expletive] up covering his next trial and the sober mea culpa you’ll deliver during his next term as president.” — JON STEWARTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Insano Edition)“The city that never sleeps versus the defendant who keeps nodding off during the trial.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“As he should. I mean, he’s been up since 2 a.m. rage tweeting. He needs his anger sleep.” — JON STEWART“Just when you think the insano-meter has topped out, Donald Trump adds farting to his list of atrocities.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, we don’t know for sure that Trump was the one farting in court, so it would not be right for me to state that he was. So, I cannot in good conscience report that Trump was pumping gas like a Barstow Texaco, but I can report, to borrow a phrase that he likes to use when spreading rumors, ‘Many people were saying Trump was farting in court.’” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Mocks Republicans for Trying to Oust Their Speaker

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      “Being the speaker of the House nowadays is like being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend — you hang on as long as you can,” Jimmy Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not Right EnoughThe Republican speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, is facing significant backlash from conservatives after pushing to advance an aid package for Ukraine.“Somehow Mike Johnson, a man who called Planned Parenthood part of an ‘American holocaust,’ isn’t right-wing enough for these people,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Thursday.“They formed what they call a ‘Floor Action Response Team’ or F-A-R-T for short. So, you know these are very serious people.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Being the speaker of the House nowadays is like being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend — you hang on as long as you can.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Mike Johnson — a climate change-denying, homophobic religious fanatic — knows that getting Ukraine these weapons is the right thing to do and even though his party is terrified of Jell-O Putin-lover Trump, he’s doing it anyway, and that’s why they’re going to destroy him. They can’t have that! If they let him do the right thing on Ukraine, he might do the right thing on other stuff. It’s a very slippery slope.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Jury Duty Edition)“They had a really productive day today. Matter of fact, right before I came out here to do the show, we learned that a full jury has now been picked for Donald Trump’s New York trial. Plus, one alternate has been seated, too. So 13 — also known as a Stormy dozen.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Each prospective juror had to answer questions about what they think about Trump, which meant he had to sit there and listen to comments like this one, from a woman who said — she said, ‘I wouldn’t believe Trump if his tongue were notarized.’ You know, that woman — she did not get picked as a juror, but I would like to hire her as a writer if she’s interested.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Juror No. 2 told the judge that people in her life had figured out she’d been selected and then had started to try to influence her. That frustrated Judge Merchan, who admonished the press for reporting juror descriptions and gave this example: ‘There was really no need to mention that one of the jurors had an Irish accent.’ That’s true — that little detail allowed me to positively identify him as the Lucky Charms guy. [imitating Lucky Charms leprechaun] ‘They’re after me home address!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Skewers Trump’s Review of Jimmy Kimmel’s Oscar Hosting

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      “Ranta Claus got up bright and early to post 165 venomous words about yours truly,” Kimmel said on Donald Trump’s day off from his criminal trial on Wednesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Old NewsDonald Trump had the day off from his criminal trial on Wednesday. He spent part of it criticizing Jimmy Kimmel’s hosting of the Oscars several weeks ago, though he apparently conflated him with Al Pacino, who announced a major award there.Trump wrote, in part: “Stupid Jimmy Kimmel, who still hasn’t recovered from his horrendous performance and big ratings drop as Host of The Academy Awards, especially when he showed he suffered from TDS, commonly known as TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME, to the entire World by reading on air my TRUTH about how bad a job he was doing that night, right before he stumbled through announcing the biggest award of all, ‘Picture of the Year.’”“This was five weeks ago,” Kimmel said of the Oscars. “My parents don’t even care anymore!”“Today, he had a day off, and how did he spend that? Brunch with Melania? No. Maybe a catch with Barron in the yard? No, no. Ranta Claus got up bright and early to post 165 venomous words about yours truly!” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right — in the middle of a presidential campaign and countless federal indictments, he’s obsessed with the Academy Awards from five weeks ago. I look forward to his new campaign slogan: ‘Trump 2024: They Gave It to ‘Green Book’?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I did not present the award for Best Picture. I am not Al Pacino. Maybe you dreamed this during one of your courtroom siestas?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He’s Al Pacino, I’m me. You’d think he would know that because I’m pretty sure ‘Say hello to my little friend’ is what he said to Stormy Daniels that got him in all this trouble.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Also, you keep my friend Jimmy Kimmel’s name out of your weird little wet mouth, OK? Jimmy Kimmel is my podcast brother from Strike Force 5, and I have vowed — I have vowed to defend him until my death — or until the next ad for Mint Mobile.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Fascinating and Mysterious Edition)“Yesterday was a surprisingly productive court session because they picked seven jurors. I was not one of them. And while their identities will be kept secret, we’ve learned a little about who it is, like Juror No. 4, who said of the ex-president, ‘I find him fascinating and mysterious. [imitating juror] Like when he says he wants to shoot protesters and jail his opponents, what does he mean? I can fix him.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Notes ‘Another Stormy Day’ in ‘The Orange People’s Court’

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      Kimmel said that former president Donald J. Trump is starring “as the defendant in his first of many criminal trials to come.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Jury’s Still OutJury selection continued in former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial on Tuesday.Jimmy Kimmel called it “another Stormy day in New York in the new episode of ‘The Orange People’s Court’ today starring Donald J. Trump as the defendant in his first of many criminal trials to come.”“Now yesterday, more than half the group was excused for telling the judge they could not be fair and impartial. That’s pretty vague — might as well ask ‘Who wants to leave?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I wouldn’t blame them. After all, the job description is ‘Wanted: impartial juror, four days a week, $40 a day, benefits include free Wi-Fi and unlimited death threats.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“One potential juror was an older woman who said she believes ‘no one is above the law.’ And Trump’s lawyers were like, ‘Get her out of here right now!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yo, this court is roasting Donald Trump. I thought this was a courthouse, not a high school cafeteria.” — DULCÉ SLOAN, guest host of “The Daily Show”“He’s got thick skin. He’s basically a hunk of beef jerky with a layer of bronzer.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“At that rate, they’re going to burn through every available New Yorker. By the end, the jury’s going to include a Times Square Buzz Lightyear, 40 rats in a trench coat, and Lin Manuel Miranda.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (‘Sleepy Crime Tea’ Edition)“Yesterday, Trump fell asleep during the proceedings — he took a little white power nap. But today he was sharp, focused and he fell asleep again.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Trump campaign also pushed back on reports that he fell asleep in court yesterday. They said that was ‘fake snooze.’’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He’s very sleepy. Is it possible his lawyers are tranquilizing him to keep the outbursts at a minimum?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump must have snoozed for a while, because the court sketch artist had time to draw him. Well, I think we found a new mascot for Celestial Seasonings Sleepy Crime Tea.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe singer-songwriter Maggie Rogers performed her song “The Kill” on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightOrlando Bloom will promote his new Peacock series “Orlando Bloom: The Edge” on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutFKA twigs rehearsing Martha Graham’s “Satyric Festival Song” at the Graham studios in Manhattan on Monday. The dress was designed by Graham.Caroline Tompkins for The New York TimesRecording artist FKA twigs will make her debut with the Martha Graham Dance Company on Thursday. More

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      Late Night Savors Day One of the Trump Trial

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      After the ex-president seemed to fall asleep in court, Jimmy Kimmel said it was “nice to see even Donald Trump is exhausted by Donald Trump.” Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Dozo the Clown’Donald Trump’s trial kicked off with jury selection in New York on Monday.“The trial began at 10 a.m. with the court clerk announcing, ‘The People of the State of New York vs. Donald J. Trump,’ followed by 15 minutes of thunderous applause,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday.“‘The People of the State of New York?’ That’s us!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The trial is expected to last six weeks — or until the courtroom sketch artist runs out of orange, whichever comes first.” — JIMMY KIMMELLate night hosts were amused by the reports of Trump nodding off during the proceedings.“Imagine committing so many crimes you get bored at your own trial.” — JON STEWART“If Biden is Sleepy Joe, I guess that makes you Dozo the Clown.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Imagine if Joe Biden fell asleep in the court on the first day of his trial. Trump would be calling him ‘Comatose Joe.’ Fox News would be talking about this until Christmas. But not old Donny Nappleseed.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Multiple reports said Trump’s head drooped until his chin hit his chest, which, I don’t know, maybe he was just following the price of his Truth Social stock. Either way, it’s nice to see even Donald Trump is exhausted by Donald Trump.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (‘Gettysburg: Wow’ Edition)“This weekend, our former president and illustrious historian Donald J. Trump spoke near one of America’s most hallowed battlefields, and if you thought Lincoln consecrated Gettysburg with his soaring rhetoric, well, buckle up.” — JON STEWART“You have to hand it to this guy: On the weekend before his unprecedented criminal trial begins, he somehow manages to overshadow it with this broken-brained interpretation of what happened at Gettysburg during the Civil War.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That is plagiarized almost directly from my seventh-grade book report, ‘Gettysburg: Wow.’” — JON STEWART“What a stirring orator. I look forward to Ken Burns’s updated documentary.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He always sounds like a kid who forgot he had an oral report due on that day.” — JIMMY KIMMEL”Get that man on ‘Drunk History,’ will you?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe author Salman Rushdie talked to Colbert about his memoir, “Knife,” which recounts the attempt on his life in 2022.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightOn Tuesday’s “Daily Show,” Mayan Lopez will discuss working with her father, George, on Season 2 of their NBC sitcom, “Lopez vs. Lopez.”Also, Check This OutA tour of historically Black colleges and universities by the cast of “A Different World” includes, clockwise from top left, Kadeem Hardison, Cree Summer, Charnele Brown, Darryl M. Bell, Dawnn Lewis and Glynn Turman.Schaun Champion for The New York TimesFormer cast members from the sitcom “A Different World” have reunited in support of historically Black universities. More