Jimmy Kimmel Live (TV Program)

Subterms

    More stories

    • 163 Shares99 Views

      in Television

      Jimmy Kimmel Takes On Matt Gaetz Over His Bid for a Pre-emptive Pardon

      by

      Trump aides denied him a blanket pardon for fear it would set a bad precedent, Kimmel said: “At the time, they were only interested in setting terrible precedents.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Pardon Me?Before President Donald Trump left office, Representative Matt Gaetz, one of his most vocal allies, unsuccessfully sought a blanket pre-emptive pardon for any crimes he may have committed, The New York Times reported this week. At the time, the Republican congressman from Florida was the subject of a Justice Department investigation over whether he’d had a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old and violated sex trafficking laws, though it is unclear whether he or the White House knew about the inquiry.“The reason the White House denied the pre-emptive pardon for Matt Gaetz is because they thought it would set a bad precedent,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday. “At the time, they were only interested in setting terrible precedents.”“You know, his advisers, according to Maggie Haberman of The Times, talked him out of a full-throated defense of Gaetz, which is sad, because Matt Gaetz really was the son Donald Trump never had, even though he had a couple.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Do you know how shady you have to be for Number 45’s lawyers to go, ‘No, that’s a bad look. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just farted on camera, my head is leaking, and I’m late for my press conference outside the crematorium dildo shop.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTStephen Colbert noted how close Gaetz had been to Trump at one point. The congressman wrote in a book that Trump would call him frequently while in office.“[imitating Gaetz] ‘The president has called me everywhere: while I was lurking in the bushes outside of a high school, while I was making fake IDs, even while I was tutoring my girlfriend for the SATs.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Gaetz says the president called him ‘even in the throes of passion (yes, I answered).’ Thinking about Matt Gaetz having sex, I’m in the throes of up.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Blanket-Burning Edition)“Gaetz has denied any wrongdoing, but sources say that just before the previous president left office, Gaetz asked for a blanket pardon. Oh, I don’t think the blanket wants a pardon; I think it wants to be burned — it’s seen too much.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know you haven’t done anything wrong when you check in with the president to ask for a pardon in case you happen to get accused of a sex crime somewhere down the line.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The pardon request was reportedly seen as a nonstarter at the White House, which is — that’s saying a lot, considering Donald Trump once wanted to nuke a hurricane.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe actress Danielle Brooks talked with Trevor Noah about motherhood, and about playing the legendary gospel singer Mahalia Jackson.The “Saturday Night Live” star Pete Davidson took on Jimmy Fallon in a “Random Instrument Challenge.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightPadma Lakshmi will dish on Season 18 of “Top Chef” on Thursday’s “A Little Late With Lilly Singh.”Also, Check This OutA courtroom sketch of Rodney King testifying at a civil trial in 1994. He had sued the city of Los Angeles. Mary Chaney Family Trust, via Library of CongressThe Library of Congress recently added 200 courtroom sketches of the Rodney King police brutality trials to its collection. “We are drawing history in the making,” one sketch artist said. More

    • 88 Shares119 Views

      in Television

      Jimmy Fallon Celebrates Joe Biden’s Early-Bird Special

      by

      Late-night hosts welcomed the news that vaccines would be available to all American adults two weeks ahead of schedule.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.And You Get a Shot!President Biden announced on Tuesday that all American adults would be eligible to get a coronavirus vaccine by April 19, two weeks earlier than his previously stated goal.“Or as Biden calls it: Operation Early-Bird Special,” Jimmy Fallon joked on “The Tonight Show.”“When Joe Biden was running, he promised 100 million shots in 100 days, but we’ve blown past that barrier, baby. The U.S. is now administering about three million shots per day, on average. This administration is delivering pricks in arms. As opposed to the last administration, which delivered armed pricks.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Way to go, Joe! Getting it done early. Although, supporters of the previous president are quick to point out that he was able to finish his entire presidency a whole four years before his original goal.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know more people are vaccinated when pajama sales go down and Spanx go up.” — JIMMY FALLON“You get a shot! And you get a shot! And you get a shot! Thanks, President Joe-prah!” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I have to say, this is going to be a solid plan. You get vaxed on 4/19, then you smoke it up on 4/20.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Opening Day Edition)“Despite warnings from health experts, the Texas Rangers had a full crowd of more than 38,000 people for their home opener. Yeah, when they walked in all of the fans got a Dr. Fauci bobblehead that only shook its head ‘no.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Many of the fans were defiantly maskless. I like that adult men will go to a baseball stadium and wear a glove the whole game, for the one in 98,000 chance they might catch a foul ball. But a mask? No way, out of the question!” — JIMMY KIMMEL“They just couldn’t wait to pee in a trough again.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know how they kept the virus away? They did the wave and they just fanned it all the way to Arkansas.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It was a strange game. It was the first time umpires were trying to get themselves thrown out.” — JIMMY FALLON“For those keeping score, the Rangers lost 6-2. So you can understand why the fans were excited: They only have 80 more chances this season to see the Rangers lose at home.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah broke down the pros and cons of vaccine passports on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightJulien Baker will perform a track from her latest album, “Little Oblivions,” on Wednesday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This Out“Kung Fu,” a new show on the CW, stars Olivia Liang as an American college student who drops out to train at a monastery in China.Kailey Schwerman/CWThe CW’s “Kung Fu” reboot hopes to right the wrongs of its 1970s predecessor with a female lead and predominantly Asian-American cast. More

    • 88 Shares189 Views

      in Television

      Late Night Doesn’t Buy Republicans’ Corporate Boycotts

      by

      Stephen Colbert suggested Donald Trump’s followers get comfortable with going generic: “I hope you like Great Value Bat and Ball Product and Kirkland Signature Airlines.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Jim Crow 2.0’Several major companies and organizations with ties to Georgia have come out against the state’s restrictive new voter laws, including Delta, Coca-Cola and Major League Baseball, which pulled its All-Star Game from suburban Atlanta in protest.On Monday’s “Late Show,” Stephen Colbert explained how the laws make voting more complicated and less accessible, especially for Black voters.“And it’s sure not a great look that Georgia governor Brian Kemp signed it behind closed doors guarded by state troopers, surrounded by white men while sitting under a painting of a slave plantation,” Colbert said. “He then celebrated by watching ‘Gone With the Wind’ and singing all the words to ‘Gold Digger.’”“It is so blatantly racist that it’s been dubbed ‘Jim Crow 2.0.’ 2.0, really? Georgia’s passed so many voter-suppression measures, they’ve got to be up to at least Jim Crow Snow Leopard.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And you know it’s bad when the organization that includes the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians says you’re too racist. That’s like Matt Gaetz telling you to date your own age.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Meanwhile, the Braves were like, ‘Phew, I can’t believe this had nothing to do with our team name, tomahawk logo or chant.’” — JIMMY FALLONRepublicans upset by the corporate backlash include Donald J. Trump, who issued a statement saying that he would join a boycott of M.L.B. and Coca-Cola, among others.“Together, that constitutes a sector of the economy experts call, ‘the economy.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“His supporters are going to have to go generic. I hope you like Great Value Bat and Ball Product, and Kirkland Signature Airlines.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And now Republicans say they’re going to boycott baseball. They’re already boycotting the N.F.L. and the N.B.A. Soon their only sports will be golf and jarts.” — JIMMY FALLON“And honestly you’ve got to feel for the G.O.P., because they spend so much time defending corporate interests, trying to cut corporate taxes, letting corporations do whatever they want, and then the corporations are just like, ‘Cool, now we have more money to pay Colin Kaepernick.’” — TREVOR NOAH“But this is tough for these corporations, too. I mean, they must really miss the old days — you know, when they didn’t have to take sides on voting rights or culture wars. You know, they just made diapers out of asbestos and that was that.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Not the Diet Coke Edition)“Now Donald Trump calling for a boycott of Coca-Cola is beautiful. He had a Diet Coke button on his desk in the Oval Office. The man urinates aspartame, OK?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“What are the chances that Donald Trump actually gives up Diet Coke or his bald head medicine? None, but he wants you to.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“If he needs a pick-me-up, he’ll have to ask Don Jr. to share his supply of Coke Classic.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Cheer up, Republicans, you can’t watch football, baseball, or basketball or NASCAR anymore, but you can still watch Donald Trump play golf and drink Coke.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingIn response to backlash over a recent segment featuring the TikTok star Addison Rae performing some of the app’s most famous choreographed routines, Jimmy Fallon hosted the original creators on Monday night’s show.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe singer-songwriter Brandi Carlile will chat about her new memoir, “Broken Horses,” on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutTwo years ago, Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” remix featuring Billy Ray Cyrus made him a star. Now he’s back with another No. 1 song.Valerie Macon/Agence France-Presse — Getty ImagesLil Nas X’s controversial new single, “Montero (Call Me by Your Name),” debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard charts. More

    • 125 Shares199 Views

      in Television

      Stephen Colbert Is Skeptical of Putin’s Best Wishes for Biden

      by

      “That is ominous,” Colbert said of Vladimir Putin’s wishing the president “good health” on Thursday. “But then again, when Putin says anything, it kind of sounds ominous.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.From Putin, With LovePresident Vladimir V. Putin of Russia responded to President Biden’s comments this week about his being a killer by saying on Thursday that “it takes one to know one” and that he wished Biden “good health,” clarifying that it was without irony or insinuation.Stephen Colbert took glee in the trading of barbs, saying, “Someone dust off Dolph Lundgren and get him hunting for Red October because the Cold War is back on, baby, and this time we’re gonna waterboard Billy Joel until he tells us who started the fire.”“Putin is famous for being a killer. It’s kind of his thing, along with horses and nipples.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So not going with a denial. Interesting.” — JAMES CORDEN“He’s killed so many people that in 2017, The Washington Post was able to publish a list of 10 critics of Vladimir Putin who died violently or in suspicious ways. His greatest hits are hits.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“As if the pandemic wasn’t enough, let’s throw in tension with a nuclear enemy into the mix.” — JIMMY FALLON“That is ominous. But then again, when Putin says anything, it kind of sounds ominous.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Putin has poisoned infector sushi, he’s thrown journalists out of windows, he’s tried to assassinate his most vocal domestic critic, Aleksei Navalny, by putting the lethal nerve agent Novichok in his underpants. It was an episode of Putin’s prank show, ‘Murdered.’”— STEPHEN COLBERT“But it is funny that Putin had to clarify that he is not joking when he wishes Biden good health. Because, let’s face it: The man has killed so many people, everybody assumes that is what he means.” — TREVOR NOAH“In other words, if you know what’s good for you, don’t drink the chamomile tea.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (March Madness Edition)“The N.C.A.A. March Madness basketball tournament began today, and it’s extra exciting because there was no tournament last year. So this is my first chance in two years to get furious at 19-year-olds I hadn’t heard of five minutes ago.” — SETH MEYERS“This is the year that answers the question, ‘How do you have an office pool when there’s no one at the office?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, everyone is doing their office pools. Of course, this year that means it’s you against your wife, your 2-year-old and your dog. ‘Rusty, you picked Gonzaga, too?’” — JIMMY FALLON“President Obama went out on a limb. He took No. 1 seed Gonzaga to go all the way, which is interesting when you consider that Gonzaga, as I have pointed out in the past, is not even a school. it doesn’t exist — it’s imaginary. They made it up to win basketball tournaments. It’s a pretend place. It’s like Wakanda for white people.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingMichelle Obama and Jimmy Fallon crashed random Zoom meetings on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutCynthia Erivo, a Grammy and Tony winner, portrays Aretha Franklin in Season 3 of “Genius,” including all the singing.Richard Ducree/National Geographic, via Associated PressCynthia Erivo shines as the soul singer Aretha Franklin in Season 3 of National Geographic’s bio-anthology “Genius: Aretha.” More

    • 100 Shares139 Views

      in Television

      Stephen Colbert Mocks Republicans’ Suspicious Minds on Vaccines

      by

      “Despite vaccines becoming more available, there’s still one thing holding Americans back: Americans,” Colbert lamented on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Calling TrumpStephen Colbert gave an update on the Covid-19 vaccination campaign on Tuesday night, lamenting that progress has been slow with a certain group of people.“Despite vaccines becoming more available, there’s still one thing holding Americans back: Americans,” Colbert deadpanned before launching into reports that Republicans were refusing vaccines in high percentages.“Because in a CBS poll, a third of Republicans said they would not be vaccinated. Come on, Republicans! Not everything is political. How do we convince you that you want it? Would it feel safer if the vaccine was administered by an AR-15?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Many of the Republicans polled cited ‘distrust of government’ as a reason to not be vaccinated. They worry the vaccines were produced too quickly. Duh! It was produced quickly because all of science dropped everything because your president wanted them to, and they did everything right with clinical trials! You wouldn’t stand in front of your burning house and tell the Fire Department, ‘Hold on, there, hold on — you fellas got here suspiciously fast.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“One potential side effect of the coronavirus vaccine is that people are exposed to the idea that government can get things done.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThere have been suggestions that Donald Trump, who did not appear with the four other living former presidents in a recent ad promoting the vaccines, should do more to encourage his supporters to get inoculated.“I don’t know why Trump isn’t promoting the vaccine. I mean, maybe he doesn’t want to help Joe Biden end the pandemic. You know, maybe he’s still trying to unload all that hydroxychloroquine that he bought last summer. The question is, why are Republicans so hesitant to get the vaccine in the first place? Well, it might be because their most trusted friends are telling them it can’t be trusted.” — TREVOR NOAH“And I can’t say that I’m surprised that Trump isn’t making an effort to get people vaccinated. I mean, the man barely did his job when he had his job; you think he’s going to start working now? For free?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Sister Act Edition)“But President Biden has been trying to reach out to North Korea for weeks. Kim Jong-un isn’t having it. I don’t know if he’s tried sending a love letter — I hear Kim is really into those.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“At first I thought the reason for the lack of response might be that Kim Jong-un uses a fax machine, but then I remembered Biden does, too, so.” — JIMMY FALLON“After a long period of silence, Kim Jong-un’s sister, Khloé Jong-un — or, I mean, is it Kourtney? Kourtney Jong-un lashed out.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“She warned the Biden administration that if it wants peace it had better, quote, ‘refrain from causing a stink at its first step. We take this opportunity to warn the new U.S. administration trying hard to give off powder smell in our land.’ I’m sure it sounds more threatening in Korean.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You don’t need to ask the ‘No malarkey’ guy to not cause a stink. He’s got it covered.” — JAMES CORDEN“That’s not how you talk to another country, is it? That’s how you talk to a spouse right before you go to a dinner party. You’re like: ‘Please avoid talking to Hank about politics. I don’t want you causing a stink.’” — JAMES CORDEN“Also I like that Kim Jong-un had his sister deliver the message. It’s like North Korea’s version of ‘I heard a noise in America; go check it out.’” — JIMMY FALLON“By the way, it’s rare that a dictator’s sibling speaks out. I don’t remember reading about any stern warnings from Lois Hitler.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s funny because North Korea thinks these statements they make are sick burns but they always sound like riddles instead. It’s like: ‘If you wish to cross the bridge, be wise not to anger us like the cat who swallowed mushrooms unwashed.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, nice try, North Korea, but we’re America — we haven’t slept well for the past five years.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Late Night” writers Jenny Hagel and Amber Ruffin poke fun at the Utah Black History Museum and myths that vaccines can turn people gay in Tuesday’s return of “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe actress Laverne Cox will pop by Wednesday’s “A Little Late With Lilly Singh.”Also, Check This Out“I’m finally being honest with myself,” the singer Demi Lovato said.Ryan Pfluger for The New York TimesThe singer Demi Lovato opened up to The New York Times about her queerness, her near fatal overdose and her journey to living her truth. “I’m ready to feel like myself,” she said. More

    • 175 Shares109 Views

      in Television

      Trevor Noah: Andrew Cuomo Is ‘the Only Person Who Wishes It Was Still 2020’

      by

      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightTrevor Noah: Andrew Cuomo Is ‘the Only Person Who Wishes It Was Still 2020’“At some point we’re going to find out the Statue of Liberty only holds that torch so she can fend him off,” Noah said Monday of sexual misconduct allegations against the New York governor.“A.O.C. wants him to resign, Schumer wants him to resign, his brother renamed his CNN show from ‘Cuomo Primetime’ to ‘It’s Just Chris, O.K.? It’s Just Chris,’” Trevor Noah joked.Credit…Comedy CentralMarch 16, 2021Updated 3:14 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Cuomo’s CancellationSeveral lawmakers publicly asked Gov. Andrew Cuomo, Democrat of New York, to resign after six women accused him of sexual misconduct. On Monday night’s “Daily Show,” Trevor Noah referred to Cuomo as “the only person who wishes it was still 2020.”“Bullying and groping women, a ‘Mad Men’ office culture and pushing women to wear dresses and heels? I mean it sounds like Cuomo basically thought of himself like a bouncer outside a nightclub, which is convenient for him, because that might be his job in a couple of months.” — TREVOR NOAH“And practically every day now there are more and more accusations piling up. It’s getting so bad that he’s going to have to bring back his PowerPoint slides just to track the harassment claims.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean just in the past couple of weeks we’ve heard about him harassing staffers, journalists, wedding guests — it seems like no women in New York were safe from this guy. At some point we’re going to find out the Statue of Liberty only holds that torch so she can fend him off.” — TREVOR NOAH“First of all, you know you’re in a bad spot when even Chuck Schumer calls on you to resign. That dude doesn’t do anything hastily. Before he makes any decision, he has to have at least four brow furrows and inch his glasses down to the tip of his nose.” — SETH MEYERS“Second, so many Democrats have called on Cuomo to resign that at this point it’s easier to ask who hasn’t done so: ‘Good news, Governor, the Oswego County Commissioner for Water and Sewer Services is standing by us. Wait, nope, sorry, he said you should resign. Somebody call the Schenectady Parks Department — they’ll never turn on us!’” — SETH MEYERS“A.O.C. wants him to resign, Schumer wants him to resign, his brother renamed his CNN show from ‘Cuomo Primetime’ to ‘It’s Just Chris, OK? It’s Just Chris.’” — TREVOR NOAH“All right, first of all, can we now agree the term ‘cancel culture’ is officially meaningless? He’s using the same line as the people who spent the last three weeks getting mad about the Muppets, Mr. Potato Head, and Looney Tunes.” — SETH MEYERS“But yes, Andrew Cuomo thinks that holding him to account for his actions is cancel culture, which is obviously making people pretty angry — especially nursing home residents. They’re like ‘[Expletive], you canceled Gladys!’” — TREVOR NOAH“And I have to be honest, if this is cancel culture, well then I have no idea what cancel culture means any more. I guess it’s about letting Dr. Seuss’s books be racist but also not letting politicians get away with sexual harassment. Cancel culture feels a lot like watching ‘WandaVision.’ Every time I think I get what it’s about, the next scene is like ‘Now it’s about a purple witch who is only pretend possessed?’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Oscar Nominations Edition)“Earlier this morning, the nominations were announced for the 93rd Academy Awards. This year’s Oscars air on April 25, two months later than usual, because if anything’s good for ratings, it’s a four-hour award show about online movies that came out a year ago.” — JIMMY FALLON“The Netflix film ‘Mank’ led the way with 10 nominations. That’s basically one nomination for every time you paused ‘Mank’ to check Instagram on your phone.” — JIMMY FALLON“The most nominated film with 10 nods was ‘Mank,’ which is the true story of how Herman J. Mankiewicz wrote the screenplay for ‘Citizen Kane.’ That’s right, it’s a movie about another movie. Because there’s nothing Hollywood loves more than itself.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But here’s some good news: This year’s Oscar nominees are the most diverse ever. Meanwhile, Golden Globes voters were like, ‘A lot of our best friends are diverse.’” — JIMMY FALLON“This year’s nominees are the most diverse, as opposed to the usual Oscar nominees, which look like the crowd at a Steely Dan concert inside a Pinkberry.” — JIMMY FALLON“The Academy also announced that the ceremony will take place partially from Union Station this year in Los Angeles, which is where all the trains converge. That’s exciting. This means this year Gary Oldman might accept an Oscar on a caboose.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingCorrespondent Jaboukie Young-White looked into some popular misconceptions about the Covid-19 vaccine for Monday’s “The Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightMichelle Obama will talk about her new Netflix series, “Waffles + Mochi,” on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutThe director Chloé Zhao, the director of photography Joshua James Richards and Frances McDormand filming “Nomadland.”Credit…Searchlight Pictures/HuluThis year’s Oscar nods include a history-making turn for Chloé Zhao, the first Chinese woman and first woman of color to be nominated for Best Director.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

    • 113 Shares119 Views

      in Television

      Jimmy Kimmel Reminisces About One Year of ‘Living Contagiously’

      by

      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightJimmy Kimmel Reminisces About One Year of ‘Living Contagiously’“If somebody said ‘N95’ to you one year ago, you’d think they were a bingo caller,” Kimmel joked on America’s “coronaversary.”“The traditional gift for a one-year anniversary is paper, so I figured toilet paper makes the most sense,” Kimmel said while throwing some to a socially distanced audience of employees.Credit…ABCMarch 12, 2021, 1:45 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.One Year Later, Gifts for EveryoneJimmy Kimmel celebrated America’s “coronaversary” on Thursday night, referring to it as “one year of living contagiously.”“The traditional gift for a one-year anniversary is paper, so I figured toilet paper makes the most sense,” he said, while tossing the most in-demand item from last March to a sparse, socially distanced audience made up of “Jimmy Kimmel Live” employees.“I think we all remember where we were when we heard the news, because we’re all still there.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Well, it’s been exactly one year since we’ve had an audience, and I’ve got to say, I really miss the laughs, the energy, and of course, keeping the lost wallets.” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, it was a year ago today that we had our last show with a full audience. Six days later, I did the show from home, and six days after that, both my kids had agents.” — JIMMY FALLON“I remember that day like it was yesterday. Everything was shutting down, people were scared, grocery stores were ransacked, so I got up on a chair in the office and gave an inspirational speech where I said to my staff, ‘Gang, I know you’re terrified, but this is our moment. People are counting on us. So let’s get out there and put on the best [expletive] show of our lives!’ And then I looked down and the room was empty except for a tumbleweed that rolled past, stole a bottle of Purell off my desk and then left.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Way We Were Edition)“And today marks one year since the World Health Organization declared Covid-19 a pandemic. Prior to that, it was actually categorized as a legume.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“If somebody said ‘N95’ to you one year ago, you’d think they were a bingo caller.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Remember when we were carefully disassembling our Instacart deliveries like a munitions expert in ‘The Hurt Locker’? Watch out, the Chipotle could explode!” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, it’s also the one-year anniversary of the first time I Lysol-ed a banana. But not the last.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s also been one year since we all trapped ourselves inside our homes with stockpiles of gin and red wine, watching ‘Tiger King’ and ‘Love Is Blind’ while clinging to our last shreds of toilet paper like a plank floating in the water after a shipwreck.” — SETH MEYERS“I think we all remember where we were when we heard the news, because we’re all still there.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, the past year was just like flying United Airlines. The engine fell off, but somehow we still made it.” — JIMMY FALLON“If you had told me a year ago that nearly 100 million Americans would be vaccinated for Covid by March 2021, I would have said, ‘What are you talking about? They said this will be over in two weeks. All we’ve got to do is flatten the curve, that’s it. When the warm weather comes, it will just disappear.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingThe writer and chef Eddie Huang talked with Desus and Mero about his new movie, “Boogie,” and his feelings about recent racially driven attacks on Asian-Americans.Also, Check This OutCredit…Nathaniel Russell, Alex Kalman, Sinna NasseriSeventy-five musicians, authors, directors, comedians, painters and playwrights answer seven questions about creativity and productivity (or lack thereof) in the pandemic.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

    • 113 Shares99 Views

      in Television

      Stephen Colbert Celebrates the Passing of the Stimulus Bill

      by

      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightStephen Colbert Celebrates the Passing of the Stimulus Bill“There you go, baby. You’re rich! Buy yourself something nice, like rent or medicine,” Colbert said on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”The Biden administration promised that some Americans would receive checks by the end of March. “Do you know what that means? There’s finally going to be an end of March!” Stephen Colbert rejoiced.Credit…CBSMarch 11, 2021, 2:15 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trillions in StimulationCongress passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus aid bill on Wednesday, with Democrats sending the measure to President Biden despite no Republican support.“Something historic happened on Capitol Hill, and it wasn’t punching a cop and pooping on the rug,” Stephen Colbert said, adding, “It’s a pretty low bar.”“With this passage, the government is about to send $1,400 stimulus checks to millions of Americans. There you go, baby. You’re rich! Buy yourself something nice, like rent or medicine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Huge news. With $1,400 a year into the pandemic, you can finally pay May 2020’s rent.” — JAMES CORDEN“The $1.9 trillion price tag brings the total spent on Covid relief to $5.5 trillion. By comparison, adjusted for inflation, World War II cost the U.S. government roughly $4 trillion. Hopefully, we’ll get some great coronavirus movies like ‘Inoculating Private Ryan,’ or one about your uncle who still wears his mask below his nose, ‘Dumb Kirk.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The administration says a large number of Americans could receive their $1,400 stimulus payments before the end of March. Do you know what that means? There’s finally going to be an end of March!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The money will be going out soon, and really, what’s more reassuring than the phrase, ‘Don’t worry, the check’s in the mail’?” — JAMES CORDEN“Most Americans are thrilled the bill passed. In fact, President Biden is so amped, he just bit his dog.” — JIMMY FALLON“One point nine trillion dollars. That’s like a dollar for every email you got this year that started with, ‘In these challenging times.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Biden might not need to work too hard to sell his stimulus plan, because according to polls, 75 percent of voters said they support the package, and Biden’s approval rating since he took office is a steady 57 percent. Old steady Joe: He may not be as exciting as the last guy we were with, but, you know, he’s good with kids, in that he cares whether they live in poverty.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Republican’t or Won’t Edition)“The House passed the $1.9 trillion coronavirus relief bill today. Democrats are calling it a landmark bill that will give Americans desperately needed financial assistance during a pandemic, while Republicans are calling it ‘not what Dr. Seuss would have wanted.’” — SETH MEYERS“It will give Americans more access to health care and boost the vaccination rate. So naturally, Republicans are against it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“No Republicans voted for the bill in the House or in the Senate, even though more than 70 percent of Americans support it. The only other Bill 70 percent of Americans support is Murray.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s very rare to have that, but Republicans in Congress can’t support it because Democrats in Congress do support it. If a meteor was hurtling toward the earth and Chuck Schumer said, ‘We’ve got to stop this,’ Mitch McConnell would be like, ‘No we don’t. No we don’t. Could lead to socialism.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee investigated the women of QAnon on Wednesday’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightPhoebe Bridgers, a Grammy nominee for Best New Artist, will appear on Thursday’s “Late Night With Seth Meyers” ahead of Sunday’s awards show.Also, Check This OutCredit…Antoine CosséMany Hollywood actors came from theater, so why aren’t more helping to keep Broadway alive in the pandemic?AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More