More stories

  • in

    Late Night Condemns Florida’s Ban on Math Books for ‘Prohibited Topics’

    Trevor Noah joked that he wished math text books had critical race theory so “we could have solved racism by cheating and going to the back of the book.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not Adding UpThe state of Florida announced a ban on a number of proposed math textbooks for students because of their references to critical race theory or other “prohibited topics.”On Monday’s “Daily Show,” Trevor Noah said that it was strange for C.R.T. to show up in math books, but that he liked the idea of it.“Yeah, because then we could have solved racism by cheating and going to the back of the book with all the answers in it, you know?” Noah joked.“This official censorship isn’t just affecting history class, because this weekend we learned that Florida rejected 41 percent of new math textbooks. At least they think it’s 41 percent. For some reason, they suck at math.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Math textbooks would be the worst place to do it, because who remembers anything they learned in math, huh? Huh? Do you remember how to use a hypotenuse?” — TREVOR NOAH“Don’t get me started on the violence inherent in math. I will never forget the day 7 8 9. Scarred me for life.” — TREVOR NOAH“Well, the Florida Education Department explained that reasons for rejecting textbooks included references to critical race theory, which the Florida legislature says includes theories that distort historical events. That explains the updated unit on division: ‘A house divided against itself, hey — that’s two houses. Nice.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“If you don’t know what critical race theory is, don’t worry, neither does Governor Ron DeSantis, don’t worry.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Thanks to his important work, Florida has rejected more than 50 math books after the team uncovered sentence problems like, ‘Jamal has seven apples.’ They felt Jamal sounded suspicious. And where did he get the apples? Does he have a receipt for them?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Back to the Races Edition)“President Biden today attended the White House Easter egg roll. However, due to inflation, the kids all had to share one egg.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s so nice we can gather again and watch the children safely have their egg race while we gamble big money on Fan Duel.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is the three-year anniversary of when a bunny was the smartest person on the White House balcony.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, after two minutes of rolling eggs across a lawn, the kids were like, ‘Wow, I actually miss Zoom.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJulia Roberts talked about celebrating 20 years of marriage with her husband, Daniel Moder, on Monday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightLeikeli47 will perform on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutClockwise from left rear: K. Todd Freeman, Noah Reid, Tracy Letts and Jeff Still, along with Danny McCarthy (forefront, on his knees) in the play “The Minutes.”Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesIn Tracy Letts’s new play, “The Minutes,” a tedious City Council meeting cracks open to reveal the secret record of what happened in Big Cherry. More

  • in

    Late Night Isn’t Thrilled About Elon Musk’s Attempted Twitter Takeover

    “He is super smart, definitely, but he admits that he also loves dumb jokes, so we don’t know how this could turn out,” Trevor Noah said of the Tesla C.E.O.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Musk Eyes TwitterAfter becoming a major shareholder of Twitter last week, Elon Musk made an offer to buy the social media site for $43 billion on Thursday.Trevor Noah bemoaned the fact that Musk’s offer was anything but normal.“No, he offered to pay 54.20 per share. Yeah, not 54 dollars exactly — no, 54.20. And that’s how you know that you’re too rich — when you’re spending an extra few million dollars just to slip a weed joke into your takeover bid,” Noah joked.“A week ago, Musk became Twitter’s largest shareholder, after buying $2.89 billion worth of the company. OK, did no one tell him you can read all the tweets for free?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“After his big investment, he spent the week sitting down with experts to plan a long-term business strategy, by which I mean he posted a bunch of troll-y nonsense, like a meme of himself smoking weed with the caption ‘Twitter’s next board meeting is gonna be lit,’ and a poll suggesting they change the name to ‘Titter.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Oh my god. He could do so much with that money: address world hunger, fix climate change, get a decent haircut.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But that is the thing with Elon Musk — nobody knows what he is going to do. He’s super smart, definitely, but he admits that he also loves dumb jokes, so we don’t know how this could turn out. This could turn Twitter into the best version of itself or he could just rename tweets ‘farts’ and retweets ‘refart.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Are You Still Suing? Edition)“But one of the American companies that has suspended service in Russia is Netflix, which has made subscribers in Russia so mad, they’re suing Netflix. They want 60 million rubles in compensation, which is about 80 bucks, I think, right?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Now, Russian Netflix subscribers launched a class-action lawsuit for loss of service. Then, after a few hours, a screen popped up saying ‘Are you still suing?’ and you had to click ‘yes.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“How great would it be if this war ends because Russians didn’t get to watch ‘Is It Cake?’ on time?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s not just the viewers who are mad, because Netflix also halted the development and acquisition of all Russian-made TV shows and films. That is rough news for anyone — sure, it’s the right thing to do. But it’s rough news for anyone excited about the new season of ‘Bridgertato.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingMichelle Yeoh visited “Desus & Mero” to talk about her role in the hit film, “Everything Everywhere All At Once.”Also, Check This OutMads Mikkelsen in “Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore.”Warner Bros.Mads Mikkelsen plays an evil wizard with political talent in the latest “Harry Potter” spinoff movie, “Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore.” More

  • in

    Late Night Teases Rudy Giuliani About Seized Devices

    Prosecutors recovered 18 devices during their current investigation into Trump’s former lawyer. “Eighteen devices? Man, that’s a lot of porn,” Stephen Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Left to His Own DevicesFederal prosecutors recovered 18 electronic devices from Rudy Giuliani during their investigation into his lobbying Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden ahead of the 2020 election.“Eighteen devices? Man, that’s a lot of porn,” Stephen Colbert joked on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”“Always a good sign when you have three phones.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But this week, Rudy generously offered to assist the feds in finding reasons to charge him when he helped investigators unlock several electronic devices by providing a list of possible passwords. It’s a real bad sign when you have to carry around a piece of paper with a list of possible passwords.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He gave them a list of possible passwords to two other devices they seized, and even let investigators look inside the coffin he sleeps in during daylight hours.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m happy to say ‘The Late Show’ has acquired a copy of the list. There’s ‘L3akyheadjuice21,’ ‘seckswithcousin69,’ and ‘4SeasonsTotalManscaping.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Smile, You’re Not on Camera Edition)“And there is some good news: The Brooklyn subway shooting suspect has been arrested. That’s nice. That’s fast. The suspect’s name is Frank R. James. Authorities know this because a credit card with Mr. James’s name on it had been found at the scene of the shooting, as had a key to a van Mr. James had rented. He also left a cheek swab, a filled-out tax return and his SoulCycle emergency contact. Very generous of him.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“One of the unusual facts about this shooter is that he is 62 years old, which means technically he wasn’t on the run — he was on the mall walk.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s fortunate that James left behind plenty of evidence, because none of the station’s security cameras were in full operation at the time of the shooting. Well, that’s what the M.T.A. gets for hiring the same guy who did the cameras in Jeffrey Epstein’s cell.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Really? really? Out of 10,000 cameras in the subway system the only three that weren’t working are the ones that could have helped? Really? That is a crazy stroke of bad luck if it were true.” — TREVOR NOAH“It does explain the new subway safety posters: ‘If you see something, that’s cool — we didn’t.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Let’s not get hung up on the details. The important thing is that those cameras cost New York taxpayers $800,000 each. Don’t forget that — that is all that matters.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingLouis Virtel, a writer for “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” protested Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” law on his recurring segment, “Virtel It Like it Is.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe “Flight Attendant” star Rosie Perez will appear on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This Out“The worst nightmare is, do you wake up one day and you’re not funny anymore?” Billy Crystal, 74, said of the anxiety that comes with being an aging comedian. “Do you wake up and you’re not relevant?”Philip Montgomery for The New York TimesBilly Crystal is returning to Broadway in “Mr. Saturday Night,” a musical version of his 1992 movie about an aging performer who won’t accept that his time in the spotlight is up. More

  • in

    Stephen Colbert Scoffs at John Eastman’s Obsession With the Election

    “Our ex-president isn’t allowed a do-over just because he didn’t like the result the first time. That’s how you get an Eric,” Colbert joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Can’t Stop, Won’t StopJohn Eastman, a former legal adviser to Donald Trump, has continued pushing to decertify the 2020 election, as recently as March.“That’s right, the election that’s been over for a year and a half, and that Biden won,” Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday. “To put that into perspective, when the election was decided, J. Lo was engaged to a different guy,” Stephen Colbert said.“Here’s what happened: About three weeks ago, Eastman took a trip to Wisconsin and urged Republican Wisconsin Assembly speaker Robin Vos to nullify the 2020 election — specifically, to start ‘reclaiming the electors’ and move forward with either having a new slate of electors seated that would declare someone else the winner, or a ‘do over. ‘A ‘do over’? Our ex-president isn’t allowed a do over just because he didn’t like the result the first time. That’s how you get an Eric.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“One problem with Eastman’s plan — all of it. He’s trying to re-litigate the 2020 election, which legal experts say is impossible. Only if you don’t believe in yourself — that’s why I’ll never throw away my Mondale ’84 signs.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Spirit of the Times Edition)“Well somehow, Spirit Halloween has inspired a movie. Strike Back Studios and Hideout Pictures are teaming up to make a Spirit Halloween film. Two companies thought this was a good idea. Maybe they figure if they go broke, they can turn their offices into Spirit Halloween stores, I don’t know.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The movie is about how, a month earlier, this movie was a Lady Foot Locker.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I don’t get — why not a movie about the 99-cent store? Spirit Halloween isn’t even a real store — it’s a parasite that feeds off the bodies of dead stores.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingRoy Wood Jr. investigates the history of Black classical musicians for his regular “Daily Show” segment, “CP Time.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe comedian Jerrod Carmichael will talk with Trevor Noah about his new HBO special, “Rothaniel,” on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutMichael Tran/Agence France-Presse — Getty ImagesLaurence Fishburne’s must-haves include a chef’s knife, trampolines and crystals. More

  • in

    Stephen Colbert Laughs Off Trump’s Shilling for Dr. Oz

    “Come on, he’s a con man. And so is Dr. Oz,” Colbert joked of the former president.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Con Men ClubOver the weekend, former President Donald Trump endorsed Dr. Mehmet Oz in the Pennsylvania Senate race.“Come on, he’s a con man. And so is Dr. Oz,” Stephen Colbert joked.“Now, I’d like to list all the scams Dr. Oz has tried to foist on his audience, but we only have an hour show.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Among the many snake oil supplements he has peddled are raspberry ketones for fat burning, lavender soap for leg cramps and strawberries for teeth whitening. None of these work, of course, but hey, there is one simple trick to make you healthier: Take two household bananas, then jam one in each ear until you can’t hear Dr. Oz anymore. You’ll be fine, or you’ll be better!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Aw, grandpa thinks his TV friends are his real friends. [imitating Trump] ‘You know who should be attorney general? That nice lady from “Murder, She Wrote.” She solved all of the murders in Cabot Cove. Also, when are they going to make Pat Sajak secretary of transportation? He knows wheels!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Pumpkin Crown Father Edition)“CNN got their hands on text messages between Don Jr. and Trump’s chief of staff, Mark Meadows, on Nov. 5, 2020. D.J.T.J. sent Meadows a number of ideas of how to ‘win’ the election they lost. He said, ‘We have multiple paths. We control them all.’ Junior would have texted his dad directly, but apparently Trump didn’t add him to the family plan.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Listen, if you’re gonna text your plans to overthrow an election, at least disguise it with emojis: ‘I got an idea: ballot box, trash can, American flag, poop emoji, pumpkin, crown, father.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Junior was so confident in the plan that he was concerned that not everyone was looped in, texting, ‘This is what we need to do. Please read it and please get it to everyone that needs to see it.’ Oh, I’m pretty sure the F.B.I. has seen it.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingBen Stiller, the director of “Severance,” sat down with Trevor Noah on Monday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightGillian Anderson will talk about playing Eleanor Roosevelt in “The First Lady” on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“Ava is controlled chaos,” Janelle James said of her character on “Abbott Elementary,” a mockumentary-style sitcom on ABC praised for both its humor and its poignancy.Kendall Bessent for The New York TimesJanelle James, the breakout star of “Abbott Elementary,” loves playing a hilariously terrible elementary school principal. More

  • in

    Marjorie Taylor Greene Calls the Police on Jimmy Kimmel

    Kimmel said of Greene’s angry tweets about a joke he made earlier this week: “She’s a snowflake and a sociopath at the same time — a ‘snowciopath.’”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Marjorie Is the New KarenJimmy Kimmel struck a nerve with Marjorie Taylor Greene this week, prompting some tweets from the congresswoman in which she said she’d filed a threat report with the Capitol Police..@ABC, this threat of violence against me by @jimmykimmel has been filed with the @CapitolPolice. pic.twitter.com/nxYX1LF2jK— Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (@RepMTG) April 6, 2022
    Kimmel was chuffed, saying, “This is what she does instead of working — she tweets.”“On our show Tuesday night, M.T.G. — ‘Klan Mom’ as we call her — earlier in the day called three of her fellow Republicans ‘pro-pedophile’ for supporting Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson’s nomination to the Supreme Court — which is lovely. A lovely thing to say. So I made a joke. I said, ‘Where is Will Smith when you need him?’ And the audience laughed. And then she saw it, and she decided she was going to get some political mileage out of this.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“She called the police. Not only did she call the police, she called the same police she voted against giving a congressional gold medal to for defending our Capitol against the insurrection she helped incite on Jan. 6. That’s who she called — the people she wanted to defund.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s amazing how quickly you can go from ‘These liberals! You can’t say anything anymore’ to ‘What did you say? I’m calling the cops!’ Must be that cancel culture they’re always talking about.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So I, after processing the fact that someone called the police on me — believe it or not, that has never happened to me in my life — I tweeted back, ‘Officer? I’d like to report a joke.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This woman, remember, she is the one who endorsed fringe conspiracy theories and repeatedly indicated support for executing prominent Democratic politicians. Now she’s dialing 911 because she got made fun of. She’s a snowflake and a sociopath at the same time — a ‘snowciopath.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And nobody does anything. I feel like maybe other Republicans like having her around to make the rest of them seem normal.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Justice Jackson Edition)“‘Ladies and gentleman, the newest member of the United States Supreme Court, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson’ — is what I will be saying in a few months, when she’s actually sworn in. It’s a long process.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson today became the first Black woman to be confirmed to the Supreme Court, in case you’re wondering why the flag over the Fox News building is at half-staff.” — SETH MEYERS“Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson is the first Black woman on the Supreme Court. She got ‘yes’ votes from all Senate Democrats and three pro-pedophile Republicans.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, she’s going to be Justice Jackson. When Disney heard that name, they immediately added her to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, Jackson will now debate the most important issues facing our country, like freedom of speech, states’ rights, and ‘Is it cake?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe rapper Pusha T talked about his writing process and collaborating with Jay-Z for his new album on Thursday night’s “Desus & Mero.”Also, Check This OutQuinta Brunson, center, created and stars in “Abbott Elementary,” a surprise hit in its first season.Liliane Lathan/ABC“Abbott Elementary,” a sitcom about the dynamics of public school in 2022, is this season’s best new network comedy, James Poniewozik writes. More

  • in

    Jimmy Kimmel Trips Out Over Mushrooms Talking to Each Other

    “Anyone speak shiitake?” Kimmel joked of new research suggesting that fungi communicate.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Sounds Like a ‘Fungi’A researcher in England recently discovered that mushrooms and other fungi communicate similarly to humans.“When they prodded them with electrodes, they exhibited spikes of cognitive activity that resembled vocabularies of around 50 words — like an Eric Trump-level vocabulary,” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Wednesday.“Anyone speak shiitake?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“They were able to determine that mushrooms say, ‘Hello,’ “Goodbye’ and ‘For the love of God, please stop eating us to get high.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Ironically, you know who would find this story most interesting is people on mushrooms, right? Isn’t that crazy? A mushroom might actually be a ‘fungi.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Who’s Got Spirit? Edition)“Spirit Airlines may have a new owner soon. Back in February, Spirit announced plans to merge with Frontier Airlines, but yesterday, JetBlue swooped in with a better offer. JetBlue wants to buy Spirit for $3.6 billion, plus $55 extra for carry-on luggage.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Don’t worry, it’ll still be the same Spirit Airlines, except now every seat will have a TV that doesn’t work and a bag of blue chips.” — JIMMY FALLON“The JetBlue C.E.O. said, ‘Customers shouldn’t have to choose between a low fare and a great experience, and JetBlue has shown it’s possible to have both.’ And Spirit Airlines has shown that it’s not.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Spirit, in real estate terms, is what you’d call a ‘fixer-upper.’ This would be a clash in cultures for sure. Spirit is a budget airline, no frills. Ever fly Spirit? And then JetBlue offers things like free Wi-Fi, snacks, drinks — they have a real bathroom instead of a bucket that everyone passes around.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“If there’s no Spirit anymore, who are we going to make fun of? Look out, Allegiant, you’re on deck.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth Watching“Carpool Karaoke” returned from a two-year hiatus with Nicki Minaj joining James Corden on Wednesday’s “Late Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightPete Holmes, star of the new CBS show “How We Roll,” will pop by Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutChantal Anderson for The New York TimesThe actress Anya Taylor-Joy shared the beauty and wellness rituals she enjoys for comfort and self-soothing. More

  • in

    Late Night Celebrates Obama’s First White House Visit in Five Years

    Stephen Colbert joked that he hoped “they locked the doors to keep him in.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Obama in the HouseFormer President Barack Obama made his first return to the White House in five years on Tuesday.“Then, hopefully, they locked the doors to keep him in,” Stephen Colbert joked.“He was there to promote Obamacare and to get that pack of smokes he forgot in the Lincoln bedroom.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Former President Barack Obama today visited the White House, and out of habit, Jeanine Pirro called for his impeachment.” — SETH MEYERS“Yep, Obama said he would have visited sooner, but gas prices were too expensive.” — JIMMY FALLON“But it was fun to see the former president at the White House. Obama felt like a guy who was visiting his old high school, and Biden was like the old gym teacher who never left.” — JIMMY FALLON“It was great to see him today. It was like the ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ reunion at the Oscars.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Obama was there celebrating the 12-year anniversary of the Affordable Care Act, Obamacare, and also to help Joe set up his Roku.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s really got to bother Trump. All these lies and schemes and lawsuits to get back to the White House, Obama just strolls right in there.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (On Bezos’ Grave Edition)“Over the weekend, workers at an Amazon fulfillment center in Staten Island were able to successfully unionize. It’s the first Amazon union. And the new president of the union said something funny. The president of the union said, ‘We want to thank Jeff Bezos for going to space, because when he was up there, we were signing people up.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This is great news. That is fantastic. And Amazon is now going all out to make sure it doesn’t happen again.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The app essentially censors anything that’s controversial at Amazon, including the word ‘restroom,’ which, you know, may not be missed. Many Amazon workers are more familiar with the phrases ‘empty Powerade bottle’ or ‘on Bezos’ grave.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on Amazon’s new internal messaging app“So these are all words Amazon will not allow: ‘Unions,’ ‘strike,’ ‘wages,’ ‘restrooms,’ ‘pee bottles,’ ‘empty Dasani,’ ‘bladder infections,’ ‘happiness,’ ‘life outside of work,’ ‘home,’ ‘going home,’ ‘I think I live at home but can’t remember,’ ‘help,’ ‘help us,’ ‘penis rocket,’ ‘overcompensating,’ ‘dork,’ ‘space dork,’ ‘bald space dork,’ and ‘I want to have sex with Alexa.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Tuesday’s “Tonight Show,” Amanda Seyfried shared how she mastered Elizabeth Holmes’s falsified deep voice for “The Drop Out.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightNicki Minaj will join James Corden for the return of “Carpool Karaoke” on Wednesday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutTony Hawk, left, and Sam Jones as seen in Jones’s new documentary, “Tony Hawk: Until the Wheels Fall Off.”Sam Jones Pictures/HBO Documentary FilmsA new documentary about the professional skateboarder Tony Hawk explores his compulsion to continue skating at all costs. More