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      Stephen Colbert Counts Down to Donald Trump’s Sentencing

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      Colbert showed off his “Countdown to Sentencing Advent Calendar,” which contained a bottle of bourbon.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Convicted Felon Trump’Most late night hosts were off last week after the Memorial Day holiday, which meant Monday was their first chance to discuss how Donald Trump had been found guilty on 34 counts in his hush money trial.Stephen Colbert continuously referred to the former president as “convicted felon Trump” and wheeled out his “Countdown to Sentencing Advent Calendar,” complete with Judge Juan M. Merchan’s face on each one of the 38 days until July 11, and a bottle of bourbon inside.“It’s going to be the R.N.C. live from Cell Block B with a keynote speech from his warden, his cellmate Spider, that one guard who smuggles in cellphones up his butt, and, for the cocktail hour, enjoy complimentary toilet wine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Former President Trump has been found guilty on all 34 charges in his criminal hush money trial and faces up to four years in prison. Well, for what it’s worth, all your friends are already there, you know? It’s like what my wife tells me on our way to a dinner party: ‘Don’t worry — you’ll know people.’” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, Trump was found guilty. They were going to put him in an orange jumpsuit, but it felt redundant.” — JIMMY FALLON“Just because there’s ample evidence and a jury believes it, anyone could now be found guilty. Do we really want to live in an America where the law is applied equally regardless of how rich you are?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“We might now be facing a situation where if you can’t do the time, and I can’t believe I’m saying this: Don’t do the crime.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The big question now is whether Trump will get jail time or house arrest. If he’s sentenced to jail, Melania will be inside the courtroom chanting, ‘Four more years!’” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump will be sentenced on July 11, and his lawyers told him, ‘You should get your affairs in order.’ Trump was like, ‘That’s what got me in trouble in the first place.’” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, former President Trump was found guilty last week on 34 counts of falsifying business records and faces up to 4 years in jail and a $5,000 fine. And I think I speak for all of us when I say, you can waive the fine.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Lock Her Up Edition)“The people said ‘Lock her up?’ That was your whole campaign — stop it! We remember; we were there. It’s like if Arby’s said ‘We never said we had the meats — the people said we had the meats.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“[imitating Trump] Folks, I was talking about Hilary Swank, OK? No baby is worth a million dollars.” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Roasts Republicans for Crying Wolf

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      President Biden “sent an elite team of ultraliberal F.B.I. agents to assassinate Donald Trump, but somehow he slipped out the back door,” Kimmel joked on Wednesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Losing the PlotNewly unsealed files from the F.B.I. search of Mar-a-Lago in 2022 showed that agents were authorized to use deadly force if necessary.“Which is standard operating procedure, whenever the F.B.I. execute a search warrant,” Jimmy Kimmel noted on Wednesday, “but in the MAGA-verse, it is a plot to kill Donald Trump.”Conservatives reacted with outrage to what some have called an assassination attempt, with Trump writing in a campaign email, “Joe Biden was locked and loaded ready to take me out and put my family in danger.”“I always thought of Biden as a doddering old man, but Donald Trump makes him look like one of The Expendables.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“‘Locked and loaded’? ‘Ready to take me out’? I’ve never heard Joe Biden sound so [expletive] cool in my life.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“The diabolical mastermind Joe Biden sent an elite team of ultraliberal F.B.I. agents to assassinate Donald Trump, but somehow he slipped out the back door. Somehow, they missed the fact that the loudest and most famous man in America and all 15 of his Secret Service agents were in New Jersey at the time that they raided Mar-a-Lago.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Trump’s Bedroom Edition)“Well, speaking of the former president, according to a new report, Trump’s attorneys found classified documents in his bedroom four months after the F.B.I. searched Mar-a-Lago. The lawyers knew Trump was hiding something when they saw a box labeled ‘books.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Oh, my God, the only thing more shocking to find in Donald Trump’s bedroom would be a current wife.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, to be fair, Trump rarely goes into his bedroom. As we’ve recently learned, he does most of his sleeping in court.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJay Pharoah performed diss raps in the style of Shaquille O’Neal, 50 Cent, Katt Williams and more on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe musician and “The Voice” star John Legend will appear on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutOn his 41st  wedding anniversary, the actor Peter Gallagher talks about happy matrimony.Photo Illustration by The New York Times; Photo: Charley Gallay/Getty Images For NetflixThe actor Peter Gallagher discussed his four-decades-long marriage to Paula Harwood on this week’s Modern Love Podcast. More

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      Late Night Laments That Trump Didn’t Testify at His Trial

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      Jimmy Fallon said Trump wanted to take the stand in his criminal case on Tuesday, “but then he saw it was three steps without a handrail.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.False TestimonyDonald Trump’s defense rested in his criminal trial on Tuesday. Despite previous statements, Trump did not testify on his own behalf.“He wanted to take the stand, but then he saw it was three steps without a handrail,” Jimmy Fallon joked on Tuesday.“That is shocking. Trump is not talking? What happened — did he write himself a check for $130,000?” — STEPHEN COLBERT”So he’s doing the opposite of what he told us he was going to do over and over again? That’s not the Donald Trump I know, and I played full-contact hockey without a helmet this morning.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Is it possible that Donald Trump is full of [expletive]?” — MICHAEL KOSTAThe Punchiest Punchlines (‘Fourth Reich’ Edition)“OK, if you zoom in, you can see they slipped in the words ‘A Unified Reich.’ A Fourth Reich, if you will.” — JIMMY KIMMEL, on a video reposted on Trump’s Truth Social account“The good news is Trump wants to bring the country together. The bad news is that country is Germany in 1933.”— JIMMY KIMMEL“Evidently MAGA now stands for ‘Make America Germany Around 1938.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“When they saw the ad, even Confederate statues were, like, ‘You should take that down.’” — JIMMY FALLON“What else does this man have to do for people to see what he is? Grow the mustache?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“How many of his supporters do you think would say, ‘All right, that’s too much for me.’ I’d guess maybe 10.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingBillie Eilish performed her new single “Lunch” on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe “Curb Your Enthusiasm” star J.B. Smoove will appear on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutGraceland served as Elvis Presley’s personal home in Memphis from 1957 until his death in 1977, at the age of 42.Brandon Dill/Associated PressThe actress Riley Keough claims that a company is fraudulently planning to auction off the Memphis home of her grandfather, Elvis Presley. More

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      Stephen Colbert Slams Justice Alito for Using His Wife as a Scapegoat

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      Colbert joked that Alito “dropped a dime on his gal” when the Supreme Court justice blamed his wife for the flying of an upside-down American flag at their home shortly after Jan. 6.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.(Blame It On My) Wife GuySupreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has come under fire after photos showed an upside-down American flag flying in front of his Virginia home shortly after the insurrection on Jan. 6, 2021.Stephen Colbert said on Monday that there is “no possible reason for a Supreme Court justice displaying a symbol of insurrection at his home, which is why, when this photo was published, Alito immediately did the right thing, owned up and blamed his wife.”“So he dropped a dime on his gal, citing the landmark case of ‘Me Just Tryna Live My Life v. Ladies Be Crazy, Amirite?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And that’s significant because, at that time, the upside-down flag had become a symbol of the ‘Stop the Steal’ movement, and even worse, all of Alito’s garden gnomes were fully Q-Anon.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So, Alito clearly knew about this because he came and went for several days, and, to paraphrase my favorite spangled banner, ‘The flag was still there.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“By the way, if you didn’t like those jokes, they were my wife’s idea. I just came home, and the jokes were there. I had nothing to do with those jokes.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Defense Rests Edition)“Speaking of Trump’s hush money trial, today after calling 20 witnesses over the past month, the prosecution rested their case. When he heard, Trump was like, [imitating Trump] ‘Big deal, I’ve been resting the whole case.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Prosecutors concluded their case today. The defense is expected to rest tomorrow, and I have to say, I don’t think the defense has ever been more well rested than this one.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Today, Michael Cohen was back on the stand in Trump’s hush money trial and he admitted to stealing $30,000 from the Trump organization. It’s nice at the end of one trial when they tease the next trial.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe Tony nominee Eddie Redmayne discussed playing the Emcee in the Broadway revival of “Cabaret” on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe journalist and filmmaker Sebastian Junger will discuss his new book, “In My Time of Dying,” on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This Out“Stax: Soulsville, U.S.A.,” on HBO, looks back at the influential record label that turned out hits and minted stars like Isaac Hayes, seen here at the 1972 Wattstax concert in Los Angeles.Howard BinghamHBO’s new series, “Stax: Soulsville, U.S.A.,” details the triumph and tragedy of the iconic record label that was home to Otis Redding, Isaac Hayes and the Staple Singers. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Recaps Stormy Daniels’s Testimony in Court

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      “Team Trump spent much of the day trying to paint Daniels as a sleazy, money-grubbing liar, which, if that is true, you can see why they hit it off,” Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Quite a dayOn Thursday, former President Donald Trump’s defense attorneys concluded their cross-examination of Stormy Daniels.“And I’ll tell you, it was quite a day to be a stenographer. These are actual phrases that were used in court today: ‘Human toilet,’ ‘Orange turd’ and ‘Make America horny again.’ And print those out and hang them on the Smithsonian wall.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Team Trump spent much of the day trying to paint Daniels as a sleazy, money-grubbing liar, which, if that is true, you can see why they hit it off.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“During her cross-examination today, one of Trump’s lawyers asked Stormy Daniels, ‘You made all this up, right?’ A strategy that immediately backfired when Trump yelled, ‘No, she didn’t! We had sex!’” — SETH MEYERS“Today, former President Trump’s attorneys finished their cross-examination of Stormy Daniels, and they accused her of lying and hawking merchandise for personal gain. Trump was like, ‘This also feels like a shot at me, too.’” — JIMMY FALLON“[imitating Trump] And for more on why it’s so wrong to be a sleazy money-grubbing merch seller, please buy my God Bless America Donald Trump Bible.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Heated and Intense Edition)“Today’s cross-examination was described as ‘heated’ and ‘intense,’ which coincidentally are the only two settings on Trump’s tanning bed.” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump was like, ‘If you think that’s bad, you should see the texts I’m getting from Melania.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Former President Trump appeared to briefly fall asleep in court again this morning during adult film star Stormy Daniels’s testimony. Because in real life, you can’t fast-forward the scenes where the actors are talking.” — SETH MEYERS“But this was not her first rodeo, and they would have known that if they would have seen her movie, ‘My Third Rodeo.’ Very good. It’s part of a series.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJohn Della Volpe, the polling director at the Harvard Institute of Politics, sat down with Jon Stewart to discuss his new book “Fight: How Gen Z is Channeling Their Fear and Passion to Save America” on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutCass Elliot performing on her television special “Don’t Call Me Mama Anymore” in September 1973. After she went solo, she found it hard to shake her nickname.CBS Photo Archive, via Getty ImagesFor 50 years, singer Cass Elliott’s talent has been overshadowed by a hurtful rumor about her death. More

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      Late Night Reacts to the Worm in R.F.K. Jr.’s Brain

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      “This explains everything, and nothing,” Stephen Colbert said about the presidential hopeful’s newly reported parasite.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Food for ThoughtThe presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said during a 2012 deposition that doctors told him a parasite had eaten part of his brain.“This explains everything, and nothing,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday.“I just want to say to any R.F.K. Jr. fans who might be watching, do not despair. Just because he has sworn in a deposition that he has parasitic brain damage doesn’t mean he’s going to drop out, because Bobby Kennedy Jr. does not know the meaning of the word ‘quit’ — ’cause that information was in the part of the brain that the worm ate.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“His family’s like, ‘It is true, but it still doesn’t explain why he’s like that.’” — JIMMY FALLON“And this is strange: Instead of using dewormer, he injected himself with a Covid vaccine.” — JIMMY FALLON“Apparently, the worm was giving him all his ideas, like in ‘Ratatouille.’” — JIMMY FALLON“I don’t know what’s worse — that R.F.K. Jr. had a worm that was eating his brain or that his brain is so poisoned that it killed the worm.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Cause of death: starvation.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“For a guy who seems to believe doctors are con artists trying to scam you into getting a vaccine, he sure did get to one fast when a worm started eating his brain.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The inside of his head is basically the movie ‘Dune,’ but you should definitely vote for him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The New York Times today published a report on independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s health issues, including a dead worm in his brain. Or as that’s known in Libertarian circles, a running mate.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Kristi Noem’s Press Tour Edition)“Former President Trump said that South Dakota governor Kristi Noem has had a ‘rough couple of days.’ Said Noem, ‘Who said ‘ruff’?” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, she needs more bad press like she needs a hole in her dog.” — SETH MEYERSWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Wants the Dirty Details From Stormy Daniels

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      The host disagreed with a judge who said Daniels could skip some of the specifics of her encounter with Donald Trump. “Some of us are trying to host a show here, OK?”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.A Stormy Day in CourtStormy Daniels took the stand to testify in former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial on Tuesday. Jimmy Kimmel called it “a very Stormy day for everyone’s favorite former president.”“The prosecution today called their star witness — their porn star witness.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Stormy Daniels took the stand this morning and, for Donald, I can only imagine, the nervous farting was off the charts.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Even the judge was pumped. He was like, ‘Please welcome to the stand, Stormy Daniels!’” — JIMMY FALLON“The judge said Stormy could testify about her sexual relationship with Trump, but also said, ‘We don’t need to know the details.’ And see, now that’s where I have to object. Yes, we do need to know the details. Some of us are trying to host a show here, OK?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Ahead of Stormy Daniels’s testimony today in former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial, one of the prosecutors told Judge Juan Merchan that Daniels will not describe Trump’s genitalia because it would violate the gag order.” — SETH MEYERS“She said they had sex in the missionary position, and that Trump told her she reminded him of his daughter. Feels like we should lock him up just for that, right?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“During former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial, adult film star Stormy Daniels testified that she and Trump had sex ‘in missionary position.’ ‘Don’t even think about it!’ shouted Judge Merchan to the sketch artist.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Honeybunch Edition)“Adult film star Stormy Daniels testified today in former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial. So Trump technically slept with her again.” — SETH MEYERS, referring to reports of Trump falling asleep during the trial“During former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial, adult film star Stormy Daniels testified that she spanked Trump with a rolled-up magazine that had his face on the cover. And I think it’s weird that the hotel even had a copy of ‘Bankruptcy Aficionado.’” — SETH MEYERSWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Cracks on Trump Being Held in Contempt of Court (Again)

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      Jimmy Kimmel joked that Donald Trump will likely end up in jail “because he can’t stop talking about the case. It’s like trying to get a dog to stop licking itself.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.11th Time’s the Charm?On Monday, the judge in Donald Trump’s criminal trial held him in contempt for the 10th time, threatening jail time if the former president continues to violate a gag order.Jimmy Kimmel said that he thinks Trump will end up in jail “because he can’t stop talking about the case. It’s like trying to get a dog to stop licking itself.”“This is Trump’s 10th violation, and we’re only on Day 12 of the trial. He’s already paid $9,000 in fines for the first nine, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but it is a lot for Eric, who now won’t be getting his allowance this week.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Again? I’ve got deja woo hoo!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Please, you think Trump is scared of jail? That place is full of mobsters and white supremacists. He’ll walk into jail the way Norm walks into Cheers.” — SETH MEYERS“You’ve done it now, Donald. If you violate that gag order for the 11th time, the judge is going to really consider jail time. I mean, he’s strongly contemplating the possibility of consequences for your actions. Just one more chance!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Sending the former president on a trip to Bar-A-Lago, according to Judge Merchan, is ‘the last thing I want to do,’ which is funny because it’s the first thing I would want to do. It’s like No. 1 on my list.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And how would that even work? I mean, would they give him a cavity search? God help whoever gets that gig. They might find Vivek Ramaswamy living up there like a Keister elf.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say based on how much he’s complaining about conditions in the courtroom, he would hate jail.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (All Dogs Go to Heaven Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More