Late Night with Seth Meyers (TV Program)

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      Seth Meyers Is Tired of Republicans’ Playing the Victim

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      “Do all these pundits whining about the leak really think this is what will shatter the integrity of the court?” Meyers said of the disclosure of a draft ruling from the Supreme Court overturning abortion rights.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Whose Choice?Right-wing politicians and television networks responded to the news of the leak of a draft Supreme Court ruling overturning Roe v. Wade this week by focusing not on the content of the leak, but on revealing the identity of the leaker.“How will they ever recover from this breach of their personal privacy?” Seth Meyers asked. “Maybe Samuel Alito can start wearing a shirt that says, ‘My judicial body, my choice.’”“And how do you know it’s a liberal? It could have just as easily been a conservative — [coughs] Ginni Thomas [coughs] — who leaked the opinion to freeze the majority in place and stop the chief justice, John Roberts, from trying to convince one of the other court’s conservatives to soften their stance. I have no idea, but the fact that they’re all freaking out about the leak instead of celebrating the victory is telling. It underscores yet again that even at the height of their powers, these people always have to play the victim. If they won a free car on ‘Wheel of Fortune,’ they’d immediately start whining: ‘But I already have two cars in my garage — I don’t have space for a brand-new Stingray. This is so unfair!’” — SETH MEYERS“Yes, a left-wing Antifa law clerk trying to sabotage the court, or a right-wing MAGA head trying to lock the decision in place. Or maybe it was the butler. It’s always the butler.” — TREVOR NOAH“Do all these pundits whining about the leak really think this is what will shatter the integrity of the court? Not the fact that Republicans stole a seat from President Obama or the fact that several of their nominees apparently lied to the Senate about their positions on Roe, or the fact that one of them called opposition to his nomination based on credible sexual assault allegations a smear campaign orchestrated by shadowy left-wing groups and the Clintons? I could go on, so I will.” — SETH MEYERS“Look, I can understand the argument that this leak is bad for the institution of the Supreme Court. But come on — did you think waiting to release it this summer was going to make it a hot beach read? ‘Your Body, His Choice.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Star Wars Day Edition)“Guys, today is May the 4th, also known as Star Wars Day — as in ‘May the fourth be with you.’ That’s right, Star Wars’Day, or for guys in their 30s celebrating it, Solo de Mayo.” — JIMMY FALLON“Ah, but Star Wars Day is interesting, ’cause it’s the one time of year when Tinder tries to match you with your sister, you know what I’m saying? You haven’t seen the movie? Don’t blame me; blame George Lucas. I didn’t write it.” — JIMMY FALLON“‘Star Wars’ is one of the only movie franchises with its own holiday. You don’t see anybody dressing up as Vin Diesel and wishing you a happy Fast 5th.’” — MIKE BIRBIGLIA, guest-hosting “Jimmy Kimmel Live”The Bits Worth WatchingNorah Jones performed her hit “Don’t Know Why” on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show” in celebration of her 20th anniversary super-deluxe edition of her Grammy-winning album “Come Away With Me.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe “Hacks” star Hannah Einbinder will appear on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutDrag performers from Hell in a Handbag Productions shopped at Golden-Con, where vendors sold sundry items like “Golden Girls” fans.Evan Jenkins for The New York TimesThousands of “Golden Girls” fans gathered in Chicago for Golden-Con, a celebration of their favorite TV show. More

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      Stephen Colbert Reacts to the Supreme Court Leak

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      “Congratulations, ladies, your decisions are being made by four dudes and a woman who thinks ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ is a rom-com,” Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Roe NoLate-night hosts reacted to the news of the Supreme Court leak on Tuesday, lambasting the court’s still-unofficial majority decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.“Congratulations, ladies, your decisions are being made by four dudes and a woman who thinks ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ is a rom-com,” Stephen Colbert said.“Personally, I got suspicious when Neil Gorsuch stopped wearing his ‘pussy hat’.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s right, it looks like the Supreme Court will overturn Roe v. Wade. Apparently, they decided masks aren’t mandatory, but Mother’s Day is.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, that means all across the country, women in places like South Dakota or Missouri or even Texas will have the exact same abortion rights as women in Afghanistan under the Taliban. Yeah, and just think about that: We just evacuated people out of Afghanistan, and now we’re going to have to evacuate them out of Tennessee?” — TREVOR NOAH“Most people thought the freedom to choose was just how America was. No one ever thought the G.O.P. could roll it back by playing a reverse Uno card.” — TREVOR NOAH“For perspective, consider this: It wasn’t until the year after Roe v. Wade that women in America got the legal right to have a credit card without a man. Think about that. Yeah. And I think we would all agree it would be a little weird if the court was suddenly like, ‘Look, if the founders wanted women to have credit cards, they would have said so. They would have.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Leak Edition)“Today, Chief Justice John Roberts condemned the leak and announced that there will be an investigation into how it got out. Americans are like, ‘Uh, the leak is not our main concern.’” — JIMMY FALLON“The conservative majority on the court has a fundamental right to choose when they want to release a decision into the world. Imagine having some random person violate your privacy and make that choice for you. Who would do such a thing?” — TREVOR NOAH“This leak is a clear violation of the court’s right to privacy. How dare someone make this decision for them.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s crazy how conservatives always manage to make themselves the victim in any situation. I mean, they have just accomplished this thing that they’ve been working toward for 50 years, and their first reaction is ‘It’s so unfair what’s happening to us!’ I’m sorry, what, you wanted your ruling to be a big surprise and now someone ruined it?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Late Night” writers Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel reacted to the Supreme Court news with concerns about Democrats’ getting anything done.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightSheryl Crow will talk about her new Showtime documentary, “Sheryl,” on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutEmma Galbraith as Angie Chen in “Inbetween Girl.”UtopiaMei Makino’s “Inbetween Girl” is a coming-of-age drama following an artsy, biracial high school student grappling with the guilt of sleeping with another girl’s boyfriend. More

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      Seth Meyers: Trump ‘Can’t Be Bothered’ to Endorse Republicans Correctly

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      “You have to grovel and debase yourself to earn the endorsement of a guy who can’t even remember your name,” Meyers said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Ringing EndorsementFormer President Donald Trump mistakenly endorsed “J.D. Mandel” for Senate in Ohio at a rally on Sunday, conflating his intended Republican choice, J.D. Vance, with Vance’s opponent, Josh Mandel.“This guy can’t even be bothered to remember the names of the people he’s endorsing. He went from ‘J.P.’ to ‘J.D. Mandel.’ If he kept talking, he would have endorsed J.K. Rowling,” Seth Meyers said.“This is how much you have to forfeit your dignity to succeed in today’s Republican Party. You have to grovel and debase yourself to earn the endorsement of a guy who can’t even remember your name.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s bad enough, but then he said, ‘J.D. Mandel will win or my name isn’t Donald Vance.’” — SETH MEYERS“[Imitating Donald Trump] ‘Great guy. J.P. Morgan is great. Can’t say enough about J.C. Penney — I don’t think you can. We love you, J. Lo, we love you.’” — JIMMY FALLON“I’m not sure if it’s a ringing endorsement when you’re like, ‘I fully support what’s his face — he’s the best.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump said even the best leaders make mistakes sometimes, like our great President Abra-george Lincoln-ton.” — JIMMY FALLON“You could see even the crowd was looking like, ‘Ah, man!’ They look like parents watching their kid bombing in a spelling bee.” — TREVOR NOAH“I feel bad for J.D. Vance because now he’s gonna have to change his name to J.P.J.D. Mandel. Yeah, ’cuz if you’re a Republican, Trump is never wrong. At the G.O.P. Starbucks, whatever name Trump calls, that’s you: ‘J.J.J. — J.D.J.P Mandel? Yeah, that’s me. I’ll take it.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Things Are Looking Slightly Up Edition)“According to a new poll, President Biden’s approval rating has increased slightly over the last two months, and now the White House is scrambling like hell to figure out what he did: [Imitating White House staffer] ‘Did he change his hair? Different mask? What tie was he wearing?’” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, President Biden’s approval rating has increased to 42 percent. He now ranks slightly above leaf blowers.” — SETH MEYERS“Biden was like, ‘Thank God, inflation finally got to me.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Even Biden was surprised by the results. He triple-checked it like an at-home Covid test. He was like: ‘This can’t be right. This can’t be right. Honey, look at this — is this right?’” — JIMMY FALLON“I’m not even sure what caused the spike, really. Apparently a lot of Americans thought, ‘I like how he handled Easter.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s great news for Biden, although it’s hard to celebrate when your approval rating skyrockets and it’s still only 42 percent.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe creator and star of Showtime’s “Ziwe,” the mononymic Ziwe, sat down with Trevor Noah on Monday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe “Euphoria” breakout Sydney Sweeney will appear on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutOscar Isaac has split his career between intimate dramas and mega-franchises. His latest, Marvel’s “Moon Knight,” wraps up on Wednesday.Erik Tanner for The New York TimesOscar Isaac has found satisfaction playing an unconventional Marvel superhero in “Moon Knight.” More

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      James Corden Announces He’s Leaving Late Night

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      Corden made an emotional address on Thursday night, saying he never wanted to overstay his welcome.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.One More YearJames Corden announced on Thursday that he would be leaving “The Late Late Show” in 2023 after eight years.“When I started this journey, it was always going to be just that — it was going to be a journey, an adventure. I never saw it as my final destination, you know?” Corden said. “And I never want this show to overstay its welcome in any way. I always want to love making it, and I really think in a year from now, that will be a good time to move on and see what else might be out there.”“We still have a year to go, and we are all determined to make this the best year we have ever had making this show. We are going to go out with a bang; there is going to be ‘Carpools’ and ‘Crosswalks’ and sketches and other surprises.” — JAMES CORDEN“And there will be tears; there will be so many tears. Because this has been the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. It really has. I’ve never taken this job for granted, ever, not once. And if you — the fact that you watch us at home or you watch us online, wherever you are, all over the world, the fact that we get to try to entertain you and spend time with you is an absolute privilege for me and every single person who makes this show. Here’s to the next 12 months, and it’s going to be a blast, I promise you that.” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (Rotten Tomatoes Edition)“In newly released excerpts from a deposition taken last year, former President Trump said that he was worried that protesters might throw fruits and vegetables at him. This is just more proof that Trump only thinks in cartoons.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s like the homeland security threat level: red’s tomato, yellow’s for banana, and green is for avocado. And you know what they say if you get hit with an avocado: You’re toast.” — SETH MEYERS“I will say this — he’s not wrong about being hit with a pineapple being dangerous, you know? I mean that’s got spikes built in. And the banana, too. It might not seem dangerous, but remember, someone throws a banana, it comes right back at them.” — TREVOR NOAH“You know what I think is the worst fruit to get hit with? A honeydew. Yeah, no, not because it’s hard; just because you can get some of it in your mouth, and that [expletive] is disgusting. I hope it hits me in the head and kills me so I don’t have to taste it.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Thursday’s “Tonight Show,” Christina Ricci responded to fan theories about her Showtime hit, “Yellowjackets.”Also, Check This OutA scene from “Sheryl,” which arrives on Showtime on May 6.ShowtimeSheryl Crow tells her story of battling sexism in the music industry and personal darkness in the new Showtime documentary “Sheryl.” More

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      Trevor Noah Backs Trump’s Returning to Twitter for One Reason Only

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      Noah joked that he just “really wants to see” the former president’s Wordle scores.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.More Hot TakesLate night continued to weigh in on Tuesday night on Elon Musk’s deal to purchase Twitter.Trevor Noah joked that the news set off “a wave of takes so hot, they burned off my eyebrows and I had to draw them back on.”“But one of the biggest takes came from former Twitter C.E.O. Jack Dorsey, who gave Musk his stamp of approval saying, ‘I trust his mission to extend the lights of consciousness.’ And I’ll be honest, people, I have no idea what that means, but Jack’s clearly on that billionaire speak.” — TREVOR NOAH“Well, I feel a lot better knowing that Twitter wasn’t in great hands before.” — SETH MEYERS“All jokes aside, Jack Dorsey is a great guy, and I wish him a safe journey back to his home planet.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yep, Musk says he’s going to bring back free speech to Twitter. It’s a big deal, because if it’s true, it means we’ll finally be able to talk about Bruno.” — JIMMY FALLON“Of course, some people are worried that Musk will have a negative impact on Twitter. Yes, compared to the absolute paradise it’s been all along.” — JIMMY FALLONHosts wondered if Donald Trump might rejoin the app now that Musk will be at the helm, despite the former president’s claim he’ll instead remain on his own platform, Truth Social.“You know, he claims he won’t go back on Twitter, but he 100 percent will go back on Twitter, and then this dumb new company he conned everybody out of their money for will become, I guess, the social media equivalent of a Radio Shack — a Radio Shack that is run by Devin Nunes.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, so Truth Social is competition for Twitter the same way that guy on the plane was competition for Mike Tyson.” — TREVOR NOAH“Also, it doesn’t bode well that Trump himself has only posted on Truth Social one time ever. Yeah, and that was two months ago. Think about how crazy that is, people — when he was on Twitter, Trump would send out, what, like 50 tweets every time he went to the bathroom? Now he hasn’t posted for two months. Somebody needs to get this guy prune juice fast!” — TREVOR NOAH“I’ll be honest, though, the only reason I would want Trump back on Twitter, the only reason, because — I know, yes, it would probably lead to another term and it would destroy the country — but I just, I just really want to see his Wordle scores.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Keep Them Separated Edition)“Today, it was announced that Vice President Kamala Harris has tested positive for Covid-19. Yeah, President Biden told her to take her time recovering. He was like, ‘When I was V.P., I was gone for two years and nobody even noticed.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Thankfully, Harris is feeling good and will remain isolated just like she has since taking office.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, the White House said that Harris has been nowhere near Biden for over a week, which pretty much tells you all you need to know about that relationship.” — JIMMY FALLON“I don’t know, did they have a fight over a jelly bean? Why haven’t they seen each other in eight days?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSeth Meyers tackled Tucker Carlson and Tom Brady in Tuesday’s “Back in My Day” segment on “Late Night.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe B-52’s will perform on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live” ahead of the band’s farewell tour.Also, Check This Out“I wanted to go out with a beautiful bang,” said Pamela Adlon, who co-created the FX series “Better Things.” The show draws heavily from her own life.OK McCausland for The New York TimesPamela Adlon bids a bittersweet adieu to her semi-autobiographical show, “Better Things.” More

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      Jimmy Fallon Mocks Rudy Giuliani’s ‘Masked Singer’ Appearance

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      Fallon joked that “the C.D.C. reinstated the mask mandate” after seeing the performance.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Put the Mask Back On!Rudy Giuliani appeared on Wednesday night’s episode of Fox’s “Masked Singer,” belting out a rendition of “Bad to the Bone.”Jimmy Fallon joked that after seeing Giuliani’s performance, “the C.D.C. reinstated the mask mandate.”“They finally get a Republican to wear a mask and that’s how it goes.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know, it actually takes talent not to hit any notes.” — JIMMY FALLON“I mean, that is just unbelievable — somebody famous was on ‘The Masked Singer.’” — SETH MEYERS“There is a good chance Rudy genuinely did not know where he was, and was just as surprised as everyone else when they opened that box. He was probably thrilled, by the way: [Imitating Giuliani] ‘A singing competition? I just assumed I was going to jail.’” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, Rudy Giuliani just got voted off ‘The Masked Singer,’ which means he is about to spend the next five years claiming that he actually won ‘The Masked Singer.’” — TREVOR NOAH“I guess history was made last night because for the first time in ‘The Masked Singer’’s history, a contestant took off their mask and everyone was like, ‘No, no, put it back on, put it back on!’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Explosive Interview Edition)“Meanwhile, our royal pain in the [expletive], his MAGAsty Donald Trump, is at it again. Trump squatted down for what appears to be a contentious chat with Piers Morgan, who used to be his friend. He was on the — as close to a friend as Donald Trump has, I guess.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“After a clip was released yesterday of former President Trump storming out of an interview with journalist Piers Morgan, a spokesman for Trump called the preview a, quote, ‘pathetic attempt to revive the career of a failed television host.’ Buddy, you’re going to have to be more specific.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, Piers Morgan released a clip from an interview with former President Trump that he claims will be, quote, ‘the most explosive interview of the year.’ Well, it’s certainly going to be the sweatiest. I mean, look — he looks like Jigsaw just told him he has an hour to name all the state capitals.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Thursday’s “Full Frontal,” Samantha Bee skewered Tucker Carlson’s latest docuseries, “The End of Men.”Also, Check This OutBarbara Gustern, shown here at Joe’s Pub in 2020, found her metier as a vocal coach after her career in musical theater didn’t turn out as she had hoped.James GavinThe singers Debbie Harry, Kathleen Hanna and Justin Vivian Bond remember their late vocal coach Barbara Gustern. More

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      Late Night Celebrates 4/20

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      “Time for all you doobie-lovin’ potheads to get up to your usual smoky high jinks: folding laundry and hoping half a gummy will help you fall asleep,” Stephen Colbert joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Total Smoke ShowLate Night celebrated 4/20 on Wednesday, or what Stephen Colbert referred to as “the unofficial holiday for marijuana.”“Time for all you doobie-lovin’ potheads to get up to your usual smoky high jinks: folding laundry and hoping half a gummy will help you fall asleep,” Colbert joked in his monologue.“This year is a big one for 4/20, because new polling shows 37 percent of Americans say they use weed, while the remaining 63 percent say they were just holding it for a friend.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“According to a new poll from CBS News, a vast majority of Americans want the federal government to legalize cannabis for recreational purchases. Sixty-six percent are in favor, 34 percent no. Sixty-six percent of Americans don’t agree on anything. We can barely get 66 percent of Americans to agree that horse medicine is for horses.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“If you smoke, obviously, you want it to be legal. But even among those who say they never use marijuana, a majority favor legalization. Well, that makes sense. Marijuana is tame compared to other controlled substances — its most dangerous side effect is making hacky sack seem like a sport.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Oddly enough, tomorrow, the sale of recreational weed will begin in New Jersey, one day after 4/20. I mean, really? That’s like Chipotle offering free guac on Seis de Mayo, you know what I’m saying?” — JIMMY FALLON“That is exciting news, but it means New Yorkers will have to do the unthinkable: Drive to New Jersey on purpose.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Just be careful, people from New Jersey, because if you smoke too much weed, you might accidentally ‘fuhgeddaboud’ a bunch of important stuff you need to do.” — JAMES CORDEN“The move is overwhelmingly supported by state residents, who can now look forward to Jersey-specific strains like Jon ‘Bong’ Jovi, Bruce ‘Springstrain,’ ‘Joint’ Stewart and, of course, ‘Stoney’ Soprano’s ‘Ganjagool’.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Are You Still Watching? Edition)“Netflix just announced that for the first time in over a decade, they lost subscribers, and now their stock is crashing. Yeah, not only did their stock plummet, but it turns out that all the cash they had in the bank was just cake.” — JIMMY FALLON“Today, their stock price dropped over 35 percent after they announced they had lost 200,000 subscribers. That’s a lot. Explains why they’ve changed their pop-up message from ‘Are you still watching?’ to ‘Come back, please! I can change! Do you want DVDs again?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Damn, Netflix is in trouble, which is so surprising because me and the 43 people I share my account with, we’re still watching it all the time.” — TREVOR NOAH“Now, now, there are many reasons why Netflix subscriptions are down, all right? Password sharing, inflation, Regé-Jean Page leaving ‘Bridgerton.’ Yeah, I’m sorry, you want us to pay 15 bucks a month without that [expletive]? I don’t think so.” — TREVOR NOAH“Right now Netflix is so desperate for money, they’re now Googling ‘Is there a real-life “Squid Game”’?” — JIMMY FALLON“Netflix is blaming their losses on fierce competition, inflation and Russia. When he heard that, President Biden was like, ‘Hey, get your own excuses.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, Netflix is losing money — you can tell it’s having an effect on all of their shows. For instance, ‘Emily in Paris’ is now ‘Emily in Pittsburgh.’ It’s still good. Also, ‘The Crown’ is now ‘The Hat.’”— JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingRonny Chieng, “The Daily Show” correspondent, gave the public the task of convincing him of Earth Day’s worth in this week’s “Prove Me Wrong.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightChloë Sevigny, star of “The Girl From Plainville” and “Russian Doll,” will sit down with Seth Meyers on Thursday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutNicolas Cage as “Nick Cage” in “The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.” He said, “I feel closer to my muse and my instrument now than I ever have.”Sinna Nasseri for The New York TimesNicolas Cage plays a meme-ified version of himself in “The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.” More

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      Late Night Condemns Florida’s Ban on Math Books for ‘Prohibited Topics’

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      Trevor Noah joked that he wished math text books had critical race theory so “we could have solved racism by cheating and going to the back of the book.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not Adding UpThe state of Florida announced a ban on a number of proposed math textbooks for students because of their references to critical race theory or other “prohibited topics.”On Monday’s “Daily Show,” Trevor Noah said that it was strange for C.R.T. to show up in math books, but that he liked the idea of it.“Yeah, because then we could have solved racism by cheating and going to the back of the book with all the answers in it, you know?” Noah joked.“This official censorship isn’t just affecting history class, because this weekend we learned that Florida rejected 41 percent of new math textbooks. At least they think it’s 41 percent. For some reason, they suck at math.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Math textbooks would be the worst place to do it, because who remembers anything they learned in math, huh? Huh? Do you remember how to use a hypotenuse?” — TREVOR NOAH“Don’t get me started on the violence inherent in math. I will never forget the day 7 8 9. Scarred me for life.” — TREVOR NOAH“Well, the Florida Education Department explained that reasons for rejecting textbooks included references to critical race theory, which the Florida legislature says includes theories that distort historical events. That explains the updated unit on division: ‘A house divided against itself, hey — that’s two houses. Nice.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“If you don’t know what critical race theory is, don’t worry, neither does Governor Ron DeSantis, don’t worry.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Thanks to his important work, Florida has rejected more than 50 math books after the team uncovered sentence problems like, ‘Jamal has seven apples.’ They felt Jamal sounded suspicious. And where did he get the apples? Does he have a receipt for them?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Back to the Races Edition)“President Biden today attended the White House Easter egg roll. However, due to inflation, the kids all had to share one egg.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s so nice we can gather again and watch the children safely have their egg race while we gamble big money on Fan Duel.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is the three-year anniversary of when a bunny was the smartest person on the White House balcony.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, after two minutes of rolling eggs across a lawn, the kids were like, ‘Wow, I actually miss Zoom.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJulia Roberts talked about celebrating 20 years of marriage with her husband, Daniel Moder, on Monday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightLeikeli47 will perform on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutClockwise from left rear: K. Todd Freeman, Noah Reid, Tracy Letts and Jeff Still, along with Danny McCarthy (forefront, on his knees) in the play “The Minutes.”Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesIn Tracy Letts’s new play, “The Minutes,” a tedious City Council meeting cracks open to reveal the secret record of what happened in Big Cherry. More