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    Late Night Reflects on Stephen Breyer’s Retirement Plan

    “Yep, at 83, Breyer only has two options: either retire or play quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers,” Jimmy Fallon said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bye Bye, BreyerThe big news on Wednesday was Justice Stephen Breyer’s plan to retire from the Supreme Court.“Yep, at 83, Breyer only has two options: either retire or play quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers,” Jimmy Fallon said.“Unfortunately for Breyer, this is the only job in which you wear less robes after you retire. I hope he knows that.” — JAMES CORDEN“This is big, y’all. Justice Breyer is retiring. Yeah, probably to focus more on his ice cream brand.” — TREVOR NOAH“He says he’s ‘retiring.’ I think we know what’s really going on: He’s pregnant.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, Breyer said he wants to retire so he can spend more time looking like a wise shopkeeper from a Hallmark Christmas movie.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, it was clear Breyer has been thinking about this. During the last case, the only question he asked was, ‘When’s nap time?’” — JIMMY FALLON“This comes after a yearlong, high-pressure campaign to get Breyer to step down while Democrats still have control of the Senate, which included a billboard truck that drove around Washington, D.C., that said ‘Breyer, retire.’ Youchers, that has got to sting. That’s like if I walked up to the Ed Sullivan Theater and the building said, ‘Quit.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Replacements Edition)“Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is reportedly planning to retire at the end of the current term, which would allow President Biden to appoint a successor. Said Mitch McConnell, ‘With only three years left in his term? I don’t think so.” — SETH MEYERS“So Democrats have been relentlessly pestering Breyer to step down so that they can replace him before Mitch McConnell comes back into power and makes a rule that all Supreme Court justices have to have been platinum QAnon members in the past.” — TREVOR NOAH“Don’t be shocked when Mitch still makes it happen. He’s just going to come out like, ‘It is a longstanding Senate tradition that we cannot confirm a Supreme Court justice in a year where there is a new season of ‘Ozark’ on Netflix.’” — TREVOR NOAH“Although this does pave the way for President Biden to choose his replacement, to which Merrick Garland said, ‘Hahahahaha.’” — JAMES CORDEN“Joe Biden should nominate Anita Hill to be on the Supreme Court. Now how good would that be?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Late Show” writer Eliana Kwartler explained hot new fashion trends like “jellyfishing” and “indie sleaze” to her boss, Stephen Colbert.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe “Afterparty” star Ilana Glazer will pop by Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutBill T. Jones, far right, working on the choreography of “Black No More” with cast members.Douglas Segars for The New York TimesThe new show “Black No More” is inspired by a 1931 novel about race relations during the Harlem Renaissance. More

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    Trevor Noah Weighs In on Biden’s Hot Mic Drop

    “You see? This is what happens when you have been on Zoom calls for two years — you forget that real life doesn’t have a mute button,” Noah said of the president’s comments about a Fox News reporter.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Tell Me How You Really FeelAt the White House on Monday, President Biden referred to Peter Doocy, a Fox News reporter, as a “stupid son of a bitch” in a hot-mic moment.“Like most presidents, Biden has a complicated relationship with the media, which I get it, you know?” Trevor Noah said on Tuesday. “They nitpick everything he says, they challenge all of his decisions and they even get their own room in his house, which is insane. Nobody else has to set aside a guest room for their haters.”Biden’s comment was in reference to Doocy’s asking if he believed inflation would be a political liability in the midterm elections.“I mean if you get to ask the president a question, you should ask him real questions, like ‘Why can’t the C.D.C. get its messaging straight on Covid?’ or ‘Can you ask your dog to stop chewing my arm?’” — TREVOR NOAH“You see? This is what happens when you have been on Zoom calls for two years — you forget that real life doesn’t have a mute button.” — TREVOR NOAH“A lot of people online are dunking on the reporter, saying he deserved this because he’s just some Fox News guy asking a dumb question, and they’re right. You know, ‘Do you think inflation is a political liability’ is a very stupid question. I mean, what’s Biden supposed to say? ‘No, I think people like spending more money to buy the same [expletive].’”— TREVOR NOAH“Biden dropped one off-handed diss on a reporter — he’s no legend. Attacking the press was Donald Trump’s whole thing.” — TREVOR NOAH“First of all, he wouldn’t mumble that into a hot mic — no, he would scream that [expletive] in your face, he would be like [imitating Trump] ‘Get that son of a bitch out of here. So rude. So rude. My crimes are my business.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Hot Mic Edition)“When your age is almost 80 and your approval rating’s almost 30, you can pretty much say whatever you want, I think.” — JIMMY FALLON“Said Biden, ‘I’m so sorry. That was supposed to be into the main mic.’” — SETH MEYERS“You can tell that felt good for Biden, because today he was fielding questions like, ‘Yeah, the moron in the back. How about Dopey in the corner, you got something to say?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Hey, listen, if Biden’s next three years are going to be grandpa at Thanksgiving, sign me up.” — JIMMY FALLON“[imitating Biden] That’s right, Old Joey’s back. I’ve reached peak old man, givin’ zero malarkeys.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Later that night, Biden did something I forgot presidents could do — he apologized.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingSeth Meyers skewered his writers for some of their worst monologue jokes.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightSydney Sweeney, the star of “Euphoria,” will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutHilary Duff, second from left, with Tom Ainsley and Francia Raisa, in “How I Met Your Father.”Patrick Wymore/HuluHilary Duff, the star of “How I Met Your Father,” is already tired of people asking who the father is. More

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    Late Night Celebrates One Year of President Biden

    “A year ago, Biden pledged to address Covid, the economy, climate change and racial injustice. And good news — after 12 months of tireless effort, we’re all getting three free masks,” Jimmy Fallon said.Welcome to the Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.One Long YearThursday marked the end of President Biden’s first year in the White House.“When asked what he’s learned, Biden said, ‘Being vice president was a hell of a lot more fun,’” Jimmy Fallon joked.“President Biden said yesterday that his first year in office has been ‘a year of challenges,’ but he’d rather focus on the positives, like your Covid test.” — SETH MEYERS“It seems like just yesterday our democracy was being held hostage by a cabal of obstructionists who didn’t want every vote counted. Oh, wait, that was yesterday.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“A year ago, Biden pledged to address Covid, the economy, climate change and racial injustice. And good news — after 12 months of tireless effort, we’re all getting three free masks.” — JIMMY FALLON“President Biden yesterday held a 1 hour 51 minute press conference. It was the first thing Americans actually wished Joe Manchin had stopped.” — SETH MEYERS“A lot of people are disappointed with President Biden. His approval rating just reached a new low after his press conference yesterday. The press conference was a success in that he went nearly two hours without having to pee.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He promised no malarkey, but lawyers made him change it to ‘produced in a facility that also processes malarkey.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Unvoting Voting Edition)“Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema believe so strongly in the power of voting that they use their vote to block voting rights for the entire country. They were unvoting voting by voting.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean, say what you will about the Democrats, but never has a party been on a hotter streak of getting absolutely nothing done.” — JAMES CORDEN“The big takeaway is the people you voted for, voted to make it harder for you to vote.” — JAMES CORDEN“Republicans want to add restrictions to voting because they are worried about voter fraud, even though it’s almost completely nonexistent, voter fraud. Hey, you know what? You guys believe climate change is nonexistent, right? How about coming up with some restrictions for that? Let’s compromise on this.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You can’t compromise with the side that’s doing the damage. When you’re putting out a fire, you don’t call the Fire Department and the arsonist, and see what they can work out together.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden talked with Rachel Brosnahan and Ed Helms about the celebrities they are frequently mistaken for on Thursday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutImages from the Barbed-Wire Kisses panel at the 1992 Sundance Film Festival.Sandria Miller for Sundance InstituteThis year’s Sundance marks 30 years since the festival held its first panel on New Queer Cinema, a sea change for L.G.B.T.Q. film. More

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    Jimmy Kimmel Not Surprised by Trump Fraud Allegations

    “The walls appear to be closing in on Trump — big, beautiful walls,” Kimmel said, as new details emerged from an investigation into the ex-president’s family business.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Male Pattern Fraudness’Late-night hosts were not surprised to hear that New York State’s attorney general, Letitia James, is accusing Donald Trump’s family business of repeatedly misrepresenting the value of its assets.“One year ago today, Donald Trump was still in the White House, throwing chicken nuggets at the TV, and one year from today, he could be in jail,” Jimmy Kimmel said.“According to documents filed by the attorney general in New York last night, they’ve uncovered evidence that indicates the Trump Organization repeatedly engaged in ‘fraudulent or misleading’ practices. The walls appear to be closing in on Trump — big, beautiful walls.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“James says that her office has uncovered significant evidence that the former president fraudulently valued multiple assets, including his own private residence. He claimed the triplex apartment was 30,000 square feet in size, but the actual size was just under 11,000 square feet. Yeah, that’s no surprise — he’s known for falsely tripling the size of his assets.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know how when people are shocked, they spit out their water? When I heard Donald Trump exaggerated the value of his assets for the purposes of lying to banks and the I.R.S., it was so the reverse of shocking, I sucked the water back into my mouth.” — SETH MEYERS“But this is nice, they’re interviewing Donald Jr., Ivanka, and have already talked to Eric, making this the first time Tiffany was happy to be excluded.” — JAMES CORDEN“But it’s a fairly straightforward case. To find fraud in a business, you just have to look for the signs — particularly the signs at the top of the building that say ‘Trump’ on them — and you will find it there. There is where you will find his male pattern fraudness.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I mean, at the same time, Donald Trump does not give a [expletive]. Let’s be honest: This dude will brag about himself even if it gets him in trouble. I bet when a cop asks him if he knows how fast he was going, he’s like, ‘Yeah, I do, 400 billion miles a second, the fastest anyone has ever gone. I was so fast. So fast.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (How Long Was It? Edition)“President Biden today gave his first press conference in a long time, and it went on for a long time. It may be still going, I don’t know.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It comes one day before his presidency hits the one-year mark, and he used the opportunity to highlight his administration’s key successes — successes such as vaccinating millions of Americans, low unemployment, and casually hooking up with Pete Davidson.” — JAMES CORDEN“And this was smart: to make Biden look good, they had the C.D.C. director go out first and open for him.” — JIMMY FALLON“The press conference kicked off at 4 p.m. You can tell it was really important for Biden because that’s right in the middle of dinner.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, it was his first formal press conference at the White House since March of last year. In Biden’s defense, that one just wrapped up a few days ago.” — JIMMY FALLON“For almost two hours, Biden took question after question about Russia, Covid, voter rights. He really got into why Denny’s breakfast menu is so sticky all the time.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The president took a lot of questions, too many questions. You know how at the end of most press conferences, the reporters are yelling ‘Mr. President, Mr. President!’? At the end of this one, they were like, ‘Goodbye. We’re good. We got plenty.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Wednesday’s “Tonight Show,” Christine Baranski said fans who mistake her for her sophisticated characters wouldn’t believe how loud she gets when watching the Buffalo Bills.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightTwitter legend Dionne Warwick will pop by Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutSince the Trump mask incident, Griffin has been trying to make her way back, brushing up against obstacles like partisan rage, sexism, pill addiction, lung cancer and her own reputation.Chantal Anderson for The New York TimesKathy Griffin’s career hasn’t recovered from a 2017 Trump joke, and now she’s hoping to find her way back onto the D-list. More

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    Jimmy Kimmel Recaps Trump’s Latest Rally

    “Thousands of people showed up, because there’s nothing to do in Florence, Arizona,” Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Rallying the TrumpersFormer President Donald Trump held a rally in Florence, Ariz., over the weekend, where Jimmy Kimmel joked, “thousands of people showed up, because there’s nothing to do in Florence, Arizona.”“He ranted for an hour and 35 minutes. Maybe it’s me, but the material doesn’t — it’s actually not working. It was kind of like watching the ‘Sex and the City’ reboot — it needed more Samantha or something.” — JIMMY KIMMELAt the rally, Trump falsely claimed that the left was forcing white people in New York State “to go to the back of the line to get medical help.”“White people are being sent to the back of the line? I guess Martin Luther King’s dream has been realized at last.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Where does he even get this stuff? This is a man who hasn’t waited in a line since, like, hot lunch in the fourth grade.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (‘Ron Dull-Santis’ Edition)“Well, guys, former President Trump is in the news. Apparently he’s been trashing Florida governor Ron DeSantis behind his back, calling him a ‘dull’ guy who has no chance of beating him in a potential 2024 matchup. Trump was like, ‘I have to insult him behind his back ’cause I can’t tweet it to his face.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Former President Trump has reportedly been complaining to confidants about Florida governor Ron DeSantis and said he has a, quote, ‘dull personality.’ I’m sorry, that’s suddenly a concern of yours? Your vice president was like if a rice cake went to Bible school.” — SETH MEYERS“I feel like Trump is slipping. A few years ago, he would have had, like, 10 nicknames for this guy by now. He’s, like, ‘Ron Dull-Santis.’” — JIMMY FALLON“I think this is actually a nice change, ’cause usually when two Florida guys get into a fight, they’re drunk and shirtless.” — JIMMY FALLON“But DeSantis doesn’t seem fazed. He said that he’s going to handle the insult just like Covid and completely ignore it.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Kimmel reconnected Denzel Washington with a superfan whose video went viral after their meeting was caught on camera.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightSamantha Bee will sit down with Stephen Colbert on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutMelanie Lynskey (with Jeff Holman) in the season finale of “Yellowjackets,” in which she plays a character who survived a plane crash 25 years before. Was there cannibalism? There was cannibalism. Kailey Schwerman/ShowtimeThe “Yellowjackets” star Melanie Lynskey shares her favorite fan theories at the end of Season 1. More

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    Stephen Colbert Wants Hard Time for the Oath Keepers 11

    “Finally!” Colbert said. “Up until now, the most serious charge any of these guys has gotten is impersonating a Flintstone.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Just Like FredOn Thursday, the Justice Department charged 11 Oath Keepers with seditious conspiracy in connection with the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the Capitol.“Finally!” Stephen Colbert said. “Up until now, the most serious charge any of these guys has gotten is impersonating a Flintstone.”“You know how your mother used to say if your friend jumped off a bridge, would you jump, too? These are people who answered ‘Yes.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This is huge! Seditious conspiracy is no slap on the wrist — it’s a charge of inciting rebellion against the federal government that carries a maximum penalty of 20 years in prison. That’s pretty bad. That’s pretty bad, I’ve got to say, but somehow it feels like it should be more. Like, if you tried to take the government down, you should go away for longer than one Billie Eilish.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And hopefully, one day, the Feds will learn the identity of that shadowy figure who was the president who told them to do it.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Today in Joe Biden Edition)“President Biden had a bad day. You know that vaccine mandate he rolled out last year? The one that required companies with more than 100 employees to get their workers vaccinated or tested regularly? Well, that was struck down by the Supreme Court today. The conservative majority ruled that Biden’s mandate went too far, and our individual right to get Covid from the worst person at work has been preserved.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“What the hell, Supremes? What — what do you know about large employers? You’re a small business with nine workers whose dress code is ankle-length Hefty bag.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Well, guys, big news from Washington today as President Biden finally delivered a major update on his administration’s Covid response. Yeah, just like most phone updates, Biden kept hitting ‘ignore’ until he had no choice.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, we’re all getting masks. Last year, we got 1,200 bucks; this year, cloth and a rubber band.” — JIMMY FALLON“The White House says N95 masks are the most protective, which is too bad, because I assumed the bedazzled ones I bought on Etsy were 100 percent Covid proof.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, the N95 masks should be helpful. Unfortunately, out of habit, whenever somebody says, ‘N95,’ Biden calls out, ‘Bingo.’”— JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon and Questlove played Thursday’s Wordle on “The Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutMaren Morris was one of the first country singers to see success on streaming platforms.Kristine Potter for The New York TimesMaren Morris is a pop-curious country star who’s finding success as a crossover artist. More

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    Jimmy Kimmel Is High Off Covid’s Cannabis Breakthrough

    “All this time we’ve been listening to the C.D.C., we should have been eating CBD,” Kimmel said of research showing that cannabis compounds can prevent Covid-19.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Waiting to InhaleIn a new study, researchers found that cannabis compounds can prevent Covid-19 from penetrating human cells.Jimmy Kimmel shared the news on Wednesday night, joking that cannabis compounds are “also what Willie Nelson calls his house.”“This would be interesting. All this time we’ve been listening to the C.D.C., we should have been eating CBD.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know, it’s funny — all these crazy cures, I’m like ‘Oh, that’s ridiculous.’ Ivermectin, the horse dewormer; bleach. And then somebody says marijuana prevents Covid, I’m like ‘Oh, really? Do tell.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Great news for all the teenagers whose parents find weed in their room: ‘Oh, Mom, I see you found the Covid-stopping compounds that I hid in my sock drawer. Those aren’t mine. no, no. Those aren’t mine. I’m just holding them for my friend, Tony Fauci.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“In other words, the pot enters the body and asks Covid, ‘Are you a cell? You have to tell me if you’re a cell.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, if you’re skeptical about the science here, let me remind you, this study has been reviewed by the C.D.C.’s stoner nephew the THC.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, technically, these are compounds that have to be extracted from the plant and not smoked. But there’s anecdotal support for the Covid-fighting properties of weed itself, because as of today — and this is true — three people who have yet to get Covid are Seth Rogen, Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg. That’s why Snoop’s teaming up again with trusted epidemiologist Dr. Dre for their new album, ‘The Omichronic.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Expiration Date Edition)“We have some good news from a source not known for it: Florida.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Speaking of Covid tests, the state of Florida let a million Covid tests expire in a warehouse, but now the F.D.A. has decided to extend the expiration dates. When they heard that, every New York hot dog vendor was like, ‘Is that really safe to do that?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Nothing good ever happens in a Florida warehouse, unless you placed your bets on the right coked-up snapping turtle.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, the F.D.A. just extended the expiration dates. When they heard that, the C.D.C. said, ‘Hey, making up rules as you go is our thing.’” — JIMMY FALLON“This is great for folks down in Florida who need tests, but even better for me, because the F.D.A. is finally confirming what I’ve known for years: Expiration dates are a myth, a mere suggestion.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Meanwhile, Florida was like, ‘You can put any date on them if you want, we’re still not going to use them. We don’t care.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon challenged two “Tonight Show” audience members to create new original songs about being scared of a Roomba and buying an off-brand rapid Covid test.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightFortune Feimster, a comedian and actor, will appear on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutJonny Greenwood’s film scores at first seemed like a side hustle, but they have blossomed into a true career.Colin GreenwoodJonny Greenwood was first famous for playing lead guitar in Radiohead, but he is now gaining recognition for his scores in films like “The Power of the Dog” and “Spencer.” More

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    Stephen Colbert Debates Catching Omicron on Purpose

    “I mean, all the other late-night hosts are doing it,” Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Catch Me if You CanSeveral news outlets have discouraged people from trying to purposely get infected with Omicron to “get it over with.” On Tuesday’s “Late Show,” Stephen Colbert wondered if he should deliberately try to catch the Covid strain.“I mean, all the other late-night hosts are doing it,” he said, referring to James Corden, Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers, who have all contracted Covid over the last two weeks. “I’m starting to think they had a secret sleepover, and I wasn’t invited.”“Yes, getting Omicron is superpopular. I hear it’s dating Pete Davidson.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He’s got that B.D.E. — that big Delta energy.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And now, I don’t know what’s going on because the United States reported 1.5 million new infections yesterday. That is terrible, but kind of sweet that we all gave each other the same thing for Christmas.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Covid Continued Edition)“Soon, there’s going to be almost as many people in hospitals as there are TV shows about hospitals.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The C.D.C. is reportedly considering updating its coronavirus guidance to recommend that people wear N95 or KN95 masks — or barring that, just 95 masks.” — SETH MEYERS“The C.D.C. also issued a do-not-travel advisory yesterday for Canada, due to an increase in coronavirus cases there, which is kind of like Keith Richards telling you not to hang around with that pothead from school.” — SETH MEYERS“The White House just announced that insurers will have to cover eight at-home virus tests per month. Eight per month, so, one for every new variant.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe standup comic Raanan Hershberg made his “Tonight Show” debut on Tuesday.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightIsla Fisher will talk about her new Peacock dramedy “Wolf Like Me” on “Late Night” on Wednesday.Also, Check This OutJohn Powers is returning to work with paper collages in his studio on Oscawana Lake, near Beacon, N.Y.Jasmine Clarke for The New York TimesThe sculptor John Powers saw his art change after losing several fingers in a table-saw accident. More