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      Late Night Is Concerned About (the Truth Behind) Biden’s Health

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      “They used to say it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up, but it’s starting to feel like politics is all cover-up,” Jon Stewart said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Our Sympathies, but …The news that former President Joseph R. Biden Jr. had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer naturally spurred late-night discussion on Monday.On “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart mocked those professing sympathy for Biden while at the same time using his condition to score political points. “They used to say it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up, but it’s starting to feel like politics is all cover-up,” Stewart said.“Don’t news people have to tell you what they know when they find it out? Isn’t that the difference between news and a secret?” — JON STEWART“That’s what’s so hilarious about politicians: The cover-up doesn’t work when everyone knows you’re lying.” — JON STEWART“The tell is when you’re so over-the-top about what you don’t want to tell the truth about.” — JON STEWART“It’s clear Biden wasn’t running the country. Hell, he couldn’t have run a dishwasher, and they knew that.” — GREG GUTFELDThe Punchiest Punchlines (Games We Play Edition)“‘The American.’ Do you know what that is? It’s the idea of [Homeland Security Secretary] Kristi Noem to have a new reality show where immigrants compete against each other to win American citizenship. She said, ‘It’s not like “The Hunger Games,” even though it sounds exactly like ‘The Hunger Games.’” — BILL MAHER“Anyone who thought about it for six seconds would say, ‘Oh, wait, no — this is “The Hunger Games.”’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I know that sounds dystopian, but, to be fair, that’s how citizenship has always worked. In fact, my great-grandfather actually won the first season of ‘So You Think You Can Dig the Erie Canal.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Knicks eliminated the Boston Celtics to advance to the next round, and after the game, things got crazy. Rowdy Knicks fans went down to Penn Station and caused $3 million worth of improvements.” — JIMMY FALLON“SAG-AFTRA filed an unfair-labor charge against Fortnite, after the game revealed an A.I. Darth Vader that can talk back to players. Great idea, Fortnite, let gamers make Darth Vader say stuff. Because if there’s one thing I know about gamers, they are super polite and respectful.” — TAYLOR TOMLINSONThe Bits Worth WatchingJohn Oliver dissected the ways in which President Trump shapes coverage of his presidency, including using lawsuits and the F.C.C. as leverage, on Sunday’s “Last Week Tonight.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightAmid conspiracy theories circling about his photo of seashells appearing to be a threat against the president, the former F.B.I director James Comey will surely set the record straight on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.”Also, Check This OutWith Sarah Sherman, left, Ariana Grande, Marcello Hernández, Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim, “Saturday Night Live” generated an unlikely viral hit in October with a sketch about a seducer named Domingo. Will Heath/NBCNow that the 50th season of “Saturday Night Live” is at an end, here are its most memorable moments, from political satire to straight-up silliness. Domingo! More

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      Stephen Colbert on the President’s Trumped-Up Birthday Plans

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      A military parade marking the anniversary of the Army’s founding will be held on the president’s birthday. “He wants overwhelming force,” Stephen Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Never Have I EverPresident Trump will soon return from his Middle East trip, and he already has big plans for June — specifically, the 14th.On Thursday, Stephen Colbert remarked that Trump might be leaving “his autocratic buddies behind, but he’s going to bring a taste of dictatorship back home when he does, ’cause he’s throwing a military parade on his birthday, featuring 6,600 soldiers, 150 vehicles and 50 helicopters.”“He wants overwhelming force, because this is more important than D-Day: It is his B-Day.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It also happens to be the 250th anniversary of the founding of the U.S. Army, so to honor the troops, soldiers will be housed in a former government warehouse, where they will receive one hot meal a day and have been told, ‘Bring your sleeping bags.’ [imitating Trump] ‘It’s my birthday slumber party! OK, fellas, let’s play Never Have I Ever. I’ll start. Never have I ever served in the military.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And before you ask, yes, there will be costumes. Service members will be wearing period uniforms from the Revolutionary War to the present. Yes. It’ll be June in one of the most humid cities in America, and they’ll be dressing them in wool pants.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Wrong Man for the Job Edition)“When asked yesterday if he would vaccinate his own children against the measles today, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said ‘Probably’ and then added, ‘I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from me.’ Yeah, not what you want to hear from the Secretary of Health and Human Services. That’s like if your pilot got on the P.A. and said, ‘We’re about to hit turbulence and I’d love some suggestions!’” — SETH MEYERS“Well, guys, R.F.K. Jr. just testified before Congress, and he said, ‘I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from me.’ It’s ironic, because it’s actually some great medical advice.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Seth Meyers Thinks Trump Shouldn’t Be So Set on That Jet

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      “We are, as of this taping, still a democracy with a rule of law,” Meyers said. “The president shouldn’t have a flying gold-plated party palace.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Size QueenPresident Donald Trump defended his choice to accept a jet from Qatar, saying that America should have the biggest, most impressive plane out of all the countries.“No, we shouldn’t,” Seth Meyers argued on Wednesday. “We are, as of this taping, still a democracy with a rule of law. The president shouldn’t have a flying gold-plated party palace.”“Stuff like that is a sign of corruption. That’s why Las Vegas looks like that — it was built by criminals.” — SETH MEYERS“The point is, they have nicer planes because they’re not democracies; they’re royal kingdoms, where they oppress people and use the public’s money to build opulent palaces for their rulers. We don’t do that here. If you ask me, the president should be forced to fly the same way the rest of us do. He should have to sit at Newark for six hours nursing a $30 Bloody Mary, and chewing on a pretzel while he waits for the one on-duty air traffic controller’s hands to stop shaking.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump should have a big plane because Trump definitely does not have a little plane. It’s definitely at least an average American male plane.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Plus, I will tell you what, a lot of countries say that a smaller plane is actually more comfortable for longer rides.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“We still talking about planes? Look where we are on the tarmac next to each other. I know you’re not supposed to just look straight ahead, but I took a little peek over there, a little peek over there. Cockpit was huge, man!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I’m sorry, why does the president need any of this? Air Force One is supposed to be technologically advanced, not luxurious. It’s designed so the president can get national security briefings anywhere in the world, not so he can chill on leather couches and use nine different bathrooms — which, by the way, he might need to do on the way home based on the fact that the Saudis set up a custom-built mobile McDonald’s in anticipation of Trump’s visit.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Humps for Trump Edition)“When Trump landed in Qatar, he was escorted by a fleet of Cybertrucks, Arabian horses and camels. And even the horses and camels were laughing at the Cybertruck.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, Trump was welcomed by horses and camels. He was like, ‘I love the horses and the sexier horses.’” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night is Happy President Trump Has Left the Country

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      Jordan Klepper suggested that someone lock the doors while President Trump is in the Middle East this week.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Lock Him Out!President Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia on Tuesday for the first stop of a four-day Middle East trip.Stephen Colbert celebrated, saying, “Yes, Donald Trump left the country today, so I got another birthday wish.” On “The Daily Show,” Jordan Klepper suggested that “someone lock the [expletive] doors.”“He landed in Riyadh this morning, where he got a lavish welcome, greeted by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman on a sumptuous carpet, purple, made out of hand-harvested journalist nurple.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know Trump’s looking at the carpet, going, ‘These things fly here, right?’” — JORDAN KLEPPER“The crown prince pulled out all the stops to make Trump feel at home, even providing an actual mobile McDonald’s semi truck. This is true. Yes. Of course, one of the most rewarding things about traveling the globe is getting the chance to sample the local nugget truck.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You got to hand it to the Saudis, though, they know the fastest way to Trump’s heart is through his stomach, out the colon, with a little bit staying behind in his arteries.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Regardless, you know what? It was a very nice start to this trip abroad, where he’ll visit not just Saudi Arabia, but then Qatar and the U.A.E. But you might be wondering, why did Trump pick these countries for his first foreign trip? Well, there’s a strong geopolitical balance of — I’m [expletive] with you. Corruption!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“The Trump boys have projects in all three countries. I never thought I’d say this, but can’t these countries go back to doing something more constructive, like funding terrorism?” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Punchiest Punchlines (From Shady to Sus Edition)“President Trump tonight attended a Saudi state dinner. OK, well, just so you know, it’s going to be a lot of stuff you’ve never tried, like kabsa and mandi and forks.” — SETH MEYERS“Well, guys, today, President Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia for the first leg of his trip to the Middle East. Yeah, it was a big day. Saudi Arabia’s crown prince met with America’s Burger King.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Colbert Thinks the Nickname ‘Lady Giuliani’ Suits Jeanine Pirro

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      Colbert said President Trump’s latest appointment from the Fox News roster “drank a whole bottle of champagne, and then someone told her the news.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Lady Giuliani’Last Thursday, President Trump said he had chosen the Fox News personality Jeanine Pirro as the interim U.S. attorney for Washington, D.C.Stephen Colbert told his viewers on Monday that they might recognize Pirro from “Judge Jeanine,” where she “promoted voter-fraud claims, compared Jan. 6 rioters to Revolutionary War soldiers, and got pulled briefly from the network after making Islamophobic comments.”“She was later reinstated after Fox realized they didn’t care.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And I’m sure she’s excited. I heard on Friday night, she drank a whole bottle of champagne, and then someone told her the news.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Trump last week named Fox News host Jeanine Pirro as the interim U.S. attorney for Washington, D.C. Well, she is always up for a case.” — SETH MEYERS“Pirro has also come under fire for pleading guilty for speeding after driving 119 miles per hour in a 65 zone and was forced to deny accusations of being drunk on air. It’s not great when Washington’s top attorney can best be described as ‘Lady Giuliani.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Trump announced the news on Truth Social, saying, ‘Pirro is considered one of the top district attorneys in the history of the state of New York. She is in a class by herself.’ That class? Court-mandated traffic school.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Pirro is the 23rd current or former Fox News employee hired by the Trump White House. If you work at Fox News right now and you haven’t been offered a job by this administration, you must be thinking, ‘Does he, like, hate me?’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Thieving on a Jet Plane Edition)“The White House said that the royal family of Qatar is giving President Trump a $400 million luxury jet that he will use as Air Force One, and then keep once he leaves office. Everyone’s rightfully focused on the plane, but to me the big headline is that he’ll eventually leave office.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, the 89-passenger luxury plane has wood finishes, custom carpets and gold walls. The only thing it doesn’t have is a way to safely land at Newark airport.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Celebrates the First American Pope

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      “We have an American pope and a Russian president,” Jimmy Kimmel said, calling it “an historic era.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘New Pope, Who Dis?’Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost was elected pope on Thursday, becoming the first American pope.“We have an American pope and a Russian president,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “Isn’t it incredible?”“We have the first American pope. And let me just say, as an American, are you sure about this? We don’t really have the gravitas that you associate with pope-iness. We’re less ‘somber procession’ and more ‘monster truck rally.’” — DESI LYDIC“I just think it’s just a little bit weird that the holiest man in the world probably knows all the words to the Chili’s ‘Baby Back Ribs’ song.” — DESI LYDIC“The Pope Mobile is now a Ford F-250 with truck nuts.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You can tell he’s American ’cause he stepped out on the Vatican balcony and said, ‘New pope, who dis?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Another Leo Edition)“They make him pick a name. He chose Leo XIV, which is a shame because there have been 13 other Leos. We’ve never had even one Pope Bob, which would have been pretty great.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“How have there been so many popes named Leo? Leo doesn’t even sound like a Pope name. Sounds more like the altar boy who got high and ate all the communion wafers.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, he may be the new pope, but to his friends back in Chicago, he’ll always be ‘Bobby Bratwurst.’” — JIMMY FALLON“From now on, the pope is going to sound like this. [imitating Chicago accent] Hey, dere, it’s yer buddy Leo, the deep dish papa. Just talked to God, and not even he can help da White Sox. Sorry. First order of business, I will be canonizing Michael Jordan. Now let’s end by saying daaa prayers.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe Colombian superstar Shakira played “Box of Lies” with Jimmy Fallon on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutLovie Simone in “Forever,” a new adaptation of the Judy Blume novel created by Mara Brock Akil for Netflix.Elizabeth Morris/NetflixAn all-Black cast stars in the new Netflix series “Forever,” adapted from Judy Blume’s 1970 novel of the same name. More

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      Late Night Anxiously Awaits the Unveiling of Trump’s Big News

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      “The Daily Show” host Desi Lydic said it “could be anything from ‘I’ve achieved peace in the Middle East’ to ‘I just tried bucatini, and I’m never going back to regular spaghetti.’”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trump, the TeasePresident Donald Trump said Tuesday that he would make a big announcement in the next few days, keeping the details elusive.On Wednesday’s “Daily Show,” Desi Lydic said, “it’s great to have a president who does teaser trailers for world events.”“It’s like when F.D.R. said, ‘We only have one thing to fear, and I’ll tell you what it is after the break!’” — DESI LYDIC“This is Donald Trump, so his big announcement could be anything from ‘I’ve achieved peace in the Middle East’ to ‘I just tried bucatini, and I’m never going back to regular spaghetti.’” — DESI LYDIC“This could literally be about anything. He could be getting rid of the tariffs or installing a Big Mac button on the White House desk.” — JIMMY FALLON“Maybe Melania’s pregnant again. Wouldn’t that be sweet, to have a baby — another baby in the White House?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This had better not be another set of his Trump NFTs or a golf tournament that he won. This feels like a dad who’s a gambling addict telling his family, ‘I have big news, we’re moving into an RV!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But this is what happens when you put a loose cannon into the White House. This — it could be about anything from new tariffs to announcing our next attorney general is Gary Busey. Best-case scenario, Don Jr.’s rabies test comes back negative.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Pope O’Clock Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Doesn’t Mind Canada Putting Trump in the Friend Zone

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      The president was firmly told that Canada won’t join the United States, though he says it would be a “wonderful marriage.” “People were, like, ‘How would he know?’” Jimmy Fallon said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Just FriendsPrime Minister Mark Carney of Canada visited the White House on Tuesday, where he said that Canada was not and would never be for sale, despite President Trump’s avid interest in annexing it.“Then Trump went back to browsing a world map like it’s Zillow,” Jimmy Fallon said.“Yeah, Trump said if Canada became the 51st state, it would be a ‘wonderful marriage.’ And people — and people were, like, ‘How would he know?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Aw, it’s like watching an episode of ‘Love on the Spectrum’ if the spectrum was fascism.” — DESI LYDIC“Donald Trump has been obsessed with making Canada the 51st state ever since he found out Epstein Island was not eligible.” — DESI LYDIC“I think Donald Trump just got friend-zoned. Canada’s, like, ‘You have been such an amazing ally, but I really think we just work better as sovereign neighbors.’” — DESI LYDIC“Poor Mark Carney had a hell of a job today. It was like an Ewok going to the meeting on the Death Star.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s true, he doesn’t take no for an answer. In fact, he was found liable for it in a court of law.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Newark Edition)“According to a new report, last week, air traffic controllers at Newark lost all communication with planes for over a minute. It’s getting to the point where we really should clap when the plane lands.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s a terrifying thing to hear. There’s not a lot of backup systems. The pilot can’t be like, ‘OK, forget radar, let’s try something else. Marco!’” — DESI LYDIC“This blackout led to a cascade of problems throughout the week, and after a long investigation, we now know that a fried piece of copper wire sparked the blackout — unlike the other blackouts at Newark, which were caused by the Grand Coconut Margarita at Terminal A Chili’s Too.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingFather Guido Sarducci made a special appearance on Tuesday’s “Late Show” to discuss the upcoming papal conclave. What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe “Hacks” star Robby Hoffman will appear on “Everybody’s Live with John Mulaney.”Also, Check This OutLencia Kebede says she admires that in “Wicked,” Elphaba fights “for what she knows is right, even when everyone disagrees.”Lencia Kebede is the first Black actress to play Elphaba full time in “Wicked” on Broadway. More