Late Show with Stephen Colbert (TV Program)

Subterms

    More stories

    • 125 Shares190 Views

      in Television

      Stephen Colbert Defends PBS and NPR Against Trump’s Defunding Plan

      by

      Colbert said both public media entities are “already operating on a shoestring budget — Daniel Tiger can’t even afford to wear pants.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Bert and Ernie Have Wives Now’Earlier this week, the Trump administration announced plans to rescind $1.1 billion in federal funding from NPR and PBS.On Wednesday, Stephen Colbert worried that both public media entities are “already operating on a shoestring budget — Daniel Tiger can’t even afford to wear pants.”“And with the administration calling the shots, it could mean changes to public programming. So NPR fans, get ready for ‘Fresh Air’ to become ‘Cough Cough,’ and PBS fans can look forward to ‘Sesame Street: Bert and Ernie Have Wives Now.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The White House says PBS funding does not ‘align with the Trump administration’s priorities,’ including a PBS program from 2022 about a transgender woman who comes out to members of their bowling league in Ohio. OK, well I get that, ’cause America can’t be allowed to find out that trans people bowl. Because then, other trans bowlers might bowl as well, and if the bowling alleys allow — the pins are women, the pins clearly are women, and the balls are boys, if you use two balls, and then, and then, and then where do the fingers go? I’m not sure where that — and the bowling shoe spray turns my feet into women? I don’t … What would the problem be?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Round Trip Edition)“So the plan, as I understand it, I’m sure we’ll get more details, is if you’re an undocumented immigrant, Trump wants you to go home, but if you’re good at home, he will get you back into the country. They will fly you out of the country and then bring you back. Who came up with this plan, Spirit Airlines?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know, usually when Trump offers an immigrant money and plane tickets to go away, it’s because he’s getting divorced. Melania is like, ‘Am I eligible for this?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“[imitating Trump] I mean, what can we do? America is a gentle, passive giant that would never put pressure on a sovereign nation. Now, then, Denmark, suck on these tariffs and gimme-gimme Greenland.” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

    • 113 Shares183 Views

      in Television

      Late Night Revels in Harvard’s Rejection of Trump’s Demand

      by

      “I don’t usually root for Harvard, because they’re Harvard. They’ve got everything. It’s like rooting for Jeff Bezos to win the lottery,” Ronny Chieng said on “The Daily Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.What, Like It’s Hard?On Monday, the Trump administration announced it would freeze $2.2 billion in multiyear grants to Harvard after the private university refused to implement requested changes to its hiring, admissions and curriculum.Ronny Chieng adopted a Boston accent on Tuesday’s “Daily Show” to express that Harvard was fighting back “wicked hard.”“We finally found a force more powerful than Trump’s hatred: Harvard’s love of sending rejection letters.” — RONNY CHIENG“Hey, Trump administration, now you’re just like the rest of us because you just got rejected by Harvard.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And who better to determine what colleges should and should not be doing than the man who had to shell out $25 million in penalties for running a fraudulent university he named after himself?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“My money’s on Harvard. I grew up in the ’80s — I’ve seen ‘Revenge of the Nerds.’ I know who wins these things.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But, look, I don’t usually root for Harvard, because they’re Harvard. They’ve got everything. It’s like rooting for Jeff Bezos to win the lottery.” — RONNY CHIENG“The only thing I’ll say in Donald Trump’s defense is that Matt Damon went to Harvard, so they obviously don’t care too much about merit.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Tax Day Edition)“So today’s Tax Day or, as Hunter Biden calls it, any other day of the week.” — GREG GUTFELD“If you’re watching this live, you have 20-ish minutes to get your taxes in before the deadline. And if you’re an IRS worker, you have recently been fired. I’m sorry about that.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Folks, as I mentioned before, it’s Tax Day or, as billionaires call it, ‘What?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Does anyone even work at the IRS anymore? Do we even have to? Our IRS office downtown — they turned it into a Spirit Halloween store.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe actor Finn Wolfhard reflected with Colbert on 10 years of filming “Stranger Things” ahead of the Netflix show’s final season, on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightNo stranger to late night, David Letterman will appear on Wednesday’s “Everybody’s Live with John Mulaney.”Also, Check This OutThe bombing of a federal building in Oklahoma City, on April 19, 1995, remains the deadliest domestic terror attack in U.S. history.Jim Argo/USA Today NetworkThe National Geographic docuseries “Oklahoma City Bombing: One Day in America” recounts the experiences of individuals affected by the attack on the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building 30 years ago. More

    • 100 Shares126 Views

      in Television

      Late Night Weighs In on Trump’s Perfect Physical

      by

      “The doctor said Trump’s BMI is 28,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “Right, and so is his next wife, by the way.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Picture of HealthThe results of President Trump’s annual physical exam described a man in “excellent health.”“Of course he is,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday. “He eats right, he avoids unhealthy foods, diet soda. He manages stress, he doesn’t hang onto anger, he gets a good night’s sleep, he limits his time on social media, he spends lots of time with loved ones, and gets plenty of exercise getting in and out of that golf cart.”“And he’s got a body like Brad Pitt to show it.” — JIMMY KIMMELHe “gave Trump a clean bill of health, saying, ‘his active lifestyle continues to contribute significantly to his well-being’ including his ‘frequent victories in golf events,’ adding, his well-being is also due to a cruel, indifferent universe where good, hardworking people are routinely diagnosed with terminal illnesses, but an objectively evil monster who only eats cheeseburgers and fried chicken lives forever. The world is chaos, there is no god, proven by his frequent victories in golf events.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Dr. Barbabella claims that Trump is 6-feet-3, which he is not. He weighs 224 pounds. Just for comparison, Green Bay Packers quarterback Jordan Love is 6-4, 219 pounds. Honestly, it’s difficult to tell them apart.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m going to say no to either of those numbers. I don’t want to be that guy, but he has a front butt.” — JON STEWART“Maybe they just weighed Trump’s head.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The doctor said Trump’s BMI is 28. Right, and so is his next wife, by the way.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Barbabella, good man and thorough, wrote: ‘I performed and supervised the comprehensive exam, which included diagnostic and laboratory testing, as well as consultations with 14 specialty consultants.’ ’Cause nothing says good health like your doctor saying, ‘I think you’re fine. I just need to consult with 14 specialty consultants.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Taking Space Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

    • 125 Shares159 Views

      in Television

      Late Night Finds Trump to Be His Own Worst Enemy

      by

      “Yeah, Trump was, like, ‘I just saved the economy from me. You’re welcome,’” Jimmy Fallon said on “The Tonight Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Marked Safe From SelfJust hours after instituting new global tariffs on Wednesday, President Donald Trump reversed course and announced a 90-day pause for some countries.Late night hosts were united in believing that Trump needed to act swiftly to safeguard the economy from his own actions.“Yeah, Trump was, like, ‘I just saved the economy from me. You’re welcome,’” Jimmy Fallon said on “The Tonight Show.”“Thank God he is there, to stop him from doing the things he does there.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Ah, yes, ‘The Art of the Deal’: create a global crisis and then dig yourself halfway out. It’s truly masterful, Donald.” — DESI LYDIC“You don’t get credit for releasing someone you trapped in your basement. That’s not how it works.” — TAYLOR TOMLINSON“It’s been fun watching this lunatic gamble our life savings this week. It’s like — it’s like handing your Social Security check to your dog and sending it to Caesar’s Palace: ‘If the dealer has 16, stay, OK? Stay.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“President Trump today announced a 90-day pause on tariffs for some countries and increased the duty on Chinese imports to 125 percent. Where did he learn his trade policies, from a kid in an elevator — just pushing random buttons to see what happens?” — SETH MEYERS“Come on, Trump, just admit that you started a game of chicken and you got too scared to finish it.” — DESI LYDIC“With the tariffs paused, the U.S. now has three months to work out all its relationships with all these countries. Basically, our economy now mimics the exact plot of ‘90 Day Fiance.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Yippy and Queasy Edition)“Trump said that he paused tariffs because people were getting ‘yippy’ and ‘queasy.’ Then Trump tried naming the other seven dwarves.” — JIMMY FALLON“Sorry, I tend to get a little yippy when my retirement plan starts to look like the elevator from ‘The Shining.’” — DESI LYDICWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

    • 125 Shares189 Views

      in Television

      Late Night Frantically Tries to Keep Up With Trump’s Tariffs

      by

      “I’d say he’s like a bull in a china shop, but at 104 percent, I can’t afford to say that,” Desi Lydic said of President Trump on “The Daily Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Doing the MathPresident Trump’s latest tariffs — which, among other things, raised import taxes on Chinese goods to 104 percent — went into effect at midnight on Wednesday.Desi Lydic described Trump as “out of control right now” during Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”“I’d say he’s like a bull in a china shop, but at 104 percent, I can’t afford to say that.” — DESI LYDIC“OK, this is getting really serious. We’ll know exactly how serious once we ask China to do the math for us.” — DESI LYDIC“China said the tariffs are ‘a mistake on top of a mistake,’ which is also what Trump said when Eric was born.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“How is he coming up with these numbers, I don’t know. ‘What do you think about a tariff of 100 percent on China?’ ‘Not enough, make it 104.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump isn’t messing around with China. Now he’s threatened to not invite them to his birthday party.” — JIMMY FALLON“As a result of the tariffs, Americans are now racing to buy iPhones before prices increase. Yep, iPhones and toilet paper, our two most essential bathroom items.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Dodgers Edition)“At a White House event yesterday celebrating the Los Angeles Dodgers’ World Series championship, President Trump said that the team ‘showed America that it’s not about individual glory,’ adding, ‘but I decided to invite you anyway.’” — SETH MEYERS“President Trump praised star player Shohei Ohtani and added, ‘He’s got a good future, I’m telling you.’ Not exactly a bold prediction. ‘[imitating Trump] I think that guy who won three M.V.P. awards could turn out to be a pretty good ballplayer!’ Any other predictions you want to make, Nostradamus? ‘[imitating Trump] I think that Taylor Swift is going to sell some concert tickets someday!’” — SETH MEYERS“[imitating umpire] His brain is outta here!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Donald Trump met with the world-champion Los Angeles Dodgers at the White House, where Trump used the opportunity to deport Shohei Ohtani.” — GREG GUTFELDThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon and Ed Sheeran surprised fans by busking in a New York City subway station on “The Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe actor and comedian Bill Hader will appear on “Everybody’s Live with John Mulaney.”Also, Check This OutYoko Ono and John Lennon’s famed “Bed-In” for peace in 1969.Charlie Ley/Mirrorpix, viq Getty ImagesA new film and a biography offer more opportunities to assess Yoko Ono’s contributions to culture. More

    • 100 Shares139 Views

      in Television

      Jon Stewart Can’t Stomach Trump’s Stock Market ‘Medicine’

      by

      The “Daily Show” host said America’s economy was “in the midst of a beautiful metamorphosis, turning from a simple caterpillar into a dead caterpillar.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bad MedicineStock markets have been hammered by President Trump’s sweeping tariffs, which he insists will eventually revitalize the American economy.Jon Stewart had a different take on Monday’s “Daily Show.” He said the economy was “in the midst of a beautiful metamorphosis, turning from a simple caterpillar into a dead caterpillar.”“[imitating Trump] Hey, Mom, look — no economy!” — JON STEWART“President Trump likened the U.S. to a sick patient and his trade policies to an operation in a Truth Social post last week and said, ‘THE OPERATION IS OVER! THE PATIENT LIVED AND IS HEALING.’ Sounds great, until you remember that the surgeon didn’t go to medical school.” — SETH MEYERS“You’re all acting like the tariff regime is a tried-and-true remedy: ‘Oh, of course, this is the medicine that’s always prescribed!’ Except the last time it was tried, 100 years ago, we had a Great Depression.” — JON STEWART“And tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1929.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, guys, everyone is still talking about President Trump’s new tariffs and how they’re impacting the economy. Trump defended them by saying, ‘Sometimes you have to take medicine to fix something.’ RFK Jr. heard and was, like, ‘Then why did you hire me?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, Trump thinks that he’s a medicine expert because he’s the same color as DayQuil.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Hole in None Edition)“After the White House reported that President Trump won the senior club championship at his Florida golf club, the Washington Post reported that he tied for first with another player. But in the end, the Supreme Court gave it to Trump.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s good to see him relaxing. Killing the economy can be stressful.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course he won. Anyone who beats him gets deported to El Salvador.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“[imitating Trump] What’s my handicap? I’d say a complete inability to empathize with my fellow human beings. That’s a big one.” — SETH MEYERS“Also, buddy, you won the senior club championship at a resort with your name on it. That’s like my kids bragging that they beat me in Uno. They win Uno for one reason only: I want the [expletive] Uno game to be over, and I’m sure people who golf with Trump feel the same way.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Monday’s “Late Show,” Stephen Colbert talked with Senator Cory Booker about his recent 25-hour speech on the Senate floor.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe “White Lotus” star Walton Goggins has some explaining to do on Tuesday’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.”Also, Check This OutJasmine Amy Rogers brings charm to the title role, but “Boop! The Musical” leaves you wondering why it exists.Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesBetty Boop, the flapper of early talkie cartoons, now has her own subpar merch grab of a Broadway show, “Boop! The Musical.” More

    • 113 Shares139 Views

      in Television

      Stephen Colbert Likens Trump’s Tariffs to an Economic Infection

      by

      “Has anyone thought about injecting our money with bleach?” Colbert said after President Trump’s new tariffs tanked the stock market on Thursday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Downward SpiralThe stock market had its worst day in five years on Thursday, the first day of trading on Wall Street since President Trump announced his new tariffs.“So, worst day for our economy since Covid,” Stephen Colbert said. “Just a little reminder: This time, he’s the disease.”“Has anyone — and I’m just spitballin’ here — has anyone thought about injecting our money with bleach?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Everyone’s wondering how Trump decided on a tariff rate for each country. Well, it turns out a very precise mathematical formula was created. And then Trump just said, ‘Forget that — we’re doing it Plinko style.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, Trump’s tariffs went all the way from 54 percent to 10 percent, and today, so did his approval rating.” — JIMMY FALLON“But, you know what, I’m not too concerned about Donald Trump not understanding how his tariffs work, because he’s Donald Trump — he doesn’t understand how to make money running a casino.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Now, one bit of good news comin’ out of all this: It’s all pretty solid proof there is no deep state, ’cause if there was, they would’ve stopped this [expletive], OK? But if they do exist, I just want to say to the cabal of financial and governmental elites who pull all the strings behind the scenes, maybe put a pause on your 5G-chip JFK Jr. adrenochrome chemtrail orgy and jump in here, ’cause we’re [expletive] dying.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Mr. Worldwide Edition)“Yesterday, Donald Trump announced sweeping tariffs across the entire globe: Asia, South America, Narnia, Arendelle, Wakanda, Bachelor Nation.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“President Trump yesterday announced a base line tariff affecting more than 180 countries, including a group of uninhabited islands near Antarctica. So, let that be a warning to you, great Pacific garbage patch.” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, we put a 10 percent tariff on an island that only has penguins? Trump would have been better off tariffing that island Tom Hanks got stranded on. At least it had one guy and that li’l volleyball he was [expletive].” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Is this a mistake? Look, I know old people butt-dial strangers all the time, but this is the first time I’ve heard of someone butt-tariffing an entire country.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Yep, Trump put tariffs on almost every single country, and as you would expect, the world is pretty mad at us. Right now, Epcot is down to two countries.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThursday’s “Tonight Show” musical guest Perfume Genius performed “It’s a Mirror” from his new album “Glory.”Also, Check This Out“‘The Lost Albums’ were full records, some of them even to the point of being mixed and not released,” Bruce Springsteen said in a statement.Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesBruce Springsteen announced a new boxed set featuring 83 songs, including 74 that have never been released. More

    • 138 Shares189 Views

      in Television

      Late Night Debriefs After a ‘Tariff-fying’ Day at the White House

      by

      Stephen Colbert said that, thanks to President Trump, “America is finally free from the tyranny of being able to buy stuff from other countries.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Just ‘Tariffic’On Wednesday, President Donald Trump held an event at the White House to announce new international tariffs during what he referred to as “Liberation Day.”Stephen Colbert said that, thanks to Trump, “America is finally free from the tyranny of being able to buy stuff from other countries.”“Who’s ready to learn how to make their own iPad from scratch?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Right, ‘Liberation Day. That sounds like the fake holiday your friends make up after you get dumped: ‘No, man. Who needs that beautiful, smart, independently wealthy woman in your life, when you can die alone? This is your liberation day, bro!’” — MICHAEL KOSTA“OK, so Liberation Day is just the day that Trump announced new tariffs. I kind of doubt this day will be remembered for all of history, but if you give me a day off from work, you can call it whatever you want.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Now, you might be thinking, ‘What am I even being liberated from? The ability to afford goods and services?’” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Reportedly, Trump was still weighing tariff options until late yesterday. Now, if you’re not steeped in the wonky language of Beltway insiders, that basically means they were spitballin’ ideas through the bathroom door at 3 a.m.: ‘[imitating Trump] Tell you what: What if Ireland has to pay extra to be, uh — to be on the Lucky Charms box? What about that? I’m just spitballin’ here. We stop Count Chocula at the border.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, in his speech, Trump said, ‘[imitating Trump] We’ll make America wealthy again, like it was at the start of my presidency. Six months ago.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, Trump announced tariffs on aluminum, steel and several other items that popped into his head mid-speech.” — JIMMY FALLON“He also expanded the tariffs on aluminum to include canned beer. Even Kid Rock was, like, ‘Um, what are we doing here, man?’” — JIMMY FALLON“The tariffs will raise prices for Americans, and costs could go up by $3,000 per year. Netflix was, like, ‘Game recognize game.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Holding It Edition)“Democratic Senator Cory Booker delivered a 25-hour, four-minute speech yesterday on the Senate floor, shattering Adrien Brody’s record.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, Senator Cory Booker broke the record last night for the longest speech ever delivered on the Senate floor. The previous record was held by Joe Biden after somebody asked, ‘What was it like growing up in Scranton?’” — SETH MEYERS“What an amazing day for Cory Booker. Not so great for the C-SPAN cameraman, who missed the birth of his first child and kindergarten graduation.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“After his speech, Booker said he hadn’t eaten since Friday and stopped drinking fluids on Sunday so he wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders went to the bathroom three different times during this joke.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More