Late Show with Stephen Colbert (TV Program)

“The Daily Show” guest host said that impeaching President Biden would “be a terrible precedent to set — I don’t want to see Tom Hanks go to jail.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not-So Like Father, Like SonHunter Biden spoke outside of U.S. Capitol this week, criticizing Republicans for making light of his addiction struggles and also offering to publicly testify on behalf of his father in the new impeachment investigation into President Joe Biden.On “The Daily Show,” guest host Kal Penn joked that President Biden’s only crime “is having a messed-up son, which would be a terrible precedent to set — I don’t want to see Tom Hanks go to jail.”“That’s right, Hunter Biden spoke to reporters yesterday and said that his father was, “not financially involved in any of his business ventures.” Well, I believe that. He seems like the kind of dad who wouldn’t even get involved in your lemonade stand when you were a kid. [imitating Joe Biden] ‘You want to sell lemonade, do you? I guess you better get busy planting a lemon tree.’” — SETH MEYERS“To be fair, we can’t say for sure whether Biden ever did anything shady with his son’s business dealings. Their story has changed over time, but we do know that Republicans don’t actually give a [expletive] about people profiting off the presidency, because Donald Trump was the president. He had so many schemes going on, running the country was basically his side hustle.” — KAL PENN“Unfortunately, when it comes to Hunter Biden, Republicans are also struggling with addiction.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Got Milk? Edition)“To be fair, before leaving town, Congress did tackle the nation’s most pressing issue and passed a bill allowing schools to serve whole milk. I mean, what are the chances of that passing — 1 percent, 2 percent, tops.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s all part of Congress’s new dairy campaign: ‘Got anything that’ll distract people from our incompetence?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, this bill passed with bipartisan support, but it was a particular priority for Republicans, which makes sense. I mean, you can’t look at this party and tell me you’re surprised they are obsessed with milk.” — KAL PENN“How much energy does milk give you if Santa has to stop and drink more at every house? Santa doesn’t need milk, he needs one of those Panera lemonades.” — KAL PENN“By the way, are kids really out there demanding whole milk? They’re school kids — they want Capri Suns or, at best, milk-flavored vapes.” — KAL PENN“But, I got to be honest, there isn’t actually a good reason not to expand milk options for kids: Milk is kind of disgusting. Like is that weird that we drink milk as a species? It’s not your mom’s milk. It’s not even your friend’s mom. It’s like a completely different animal.” — KAL PENNThe Bits Worth WatchingLouis Virtel, a “Jimmy Kimmel Live” writer, offered advice to gay Americans going home for the holidays.Also, Check This OutMadonna performing at Barclays Center in Brooklyn on Wednesday night.The New York TimesMadonna’s Celebration Tour is a career retrospective that thematically explores her past and provides a glimpse of her future. More

Even Republicans don’t seem to know what it’s about, hosts said. “You can’t impeach someone for falling asleep during ‘Wheel of Fortune,’” said Jimmy Kimmel.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘You Always Remember Your First’House Republicans voted to formally open an impeachment inquiry into President Biden on Wednesday.“They managed to get the votes they needed for this, even though no one seems to know exactly what they would be impeaching him for,” Jimmy Kimmel said.“They have presented no evidence of any wrongdoing by Joe Biden. You can’t impeach someone for falling asleep during ‘Wheel of Fortune.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This headline tells you all you need to know about the Republican Party right now: ‘House Set to Approve Biden Impeachment Inquiry as It Hunts for an Offense.’ In other words, they don’t have a crime, but they do have an investigation. It’s like an episode of ‘CSI,’ but if there was no ‘C,’ just ‘SI.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Guys, guys, come on. That’s kind of step one!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Today, House Republicans held a vote on opening a formal inquiry into President Biden’s impeachment. Yep, when he heard, former President Trump said, ‘That’s nice. You always remember your first.’” — JIMMY FALLON“The whole thing is ridiculous. If you want to derail Biden, you don’t give him an impeachment — you give him a microphone.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Happy Birthday, Taylor Edition)“And then we have Time’s Person of the Year, who is celebrating a birthday today. Taylor Swift turned 34 today. And what an absolutely terrifying situation for Travis Kelce. I mean, getting your new girlfriend the right gift on the first birthday together is always a challenge. It’s even harder when there’s an army of 12-year-old girls ready to kill you if you screw it up.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He’s under a lot of pressure. He knows if he blows it, she’ll just give herself another gift and call it ‘Taylor’s Version.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Man, if you think your job is hard, try being the waiter who has to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Taylor Swift.” — JIMMY FALLON“I heard that Taylor celebrated her birthday with close friends here in New York City. I mean, that’s impossible, or else I would have been invited.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon and the pop star Meghan Trainor premiered their new holiday bop, “Wrap Me Up,” on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightGreta Gerwig, the writer and director of “Barbie,” will appear on Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutWu-Tang Clan performing in New York in August.Bennett Raglin/Getty ImagesThe hip-hop group Wu-Tang Clan will launch a Las Vegas residency on Super Bowl weekend. More

Giuliani’s lawyer told the jury in his defamation trial that awarding $43 million in damages would mean “the end of him.” Penn called that “a best-case scenario.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The End of Rudy GiulianiThis week saw the start of Rudy Giuliani’s defamation trial, with two Georgia election workers having sued him for $43 million in damages. In opening statements on Monday, Giuliani’s lawyer argued that owing such an amount would “be the end of him.”“The end of Rudy Giuliani? Oh, no, that sounds … awesome!” the “Daily Show” guest host Kal Penn said on Tuesday.“The end of Rudy Giuliani is, like, a best-case scenario. Why is Rudy’s lawyer threatening the jury with a good time?” — KAL PENN“The damages they award could be very damaging for Rudy. The plaintiffs are seeking up to $43 million, and Rudy doesn’t have that kind of cash. He can’t even afford full-length pants.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The election staffers that Giuliani spread these lies about are two Black women, one named Ruby Freeman and her daughter Shaye Moss, and because of what he said about them, they went through absolute hell. According to their lawyer, they were flooded with accusations of treason and threats laden with expletives and racial slurs. They were forced into hiding, and on at least one occasion, Giuliani directed Trump supporters to Freeman’s home. Now, luckily, Rudy’s always too drunk to give good directions.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Look, I might feel more sympathy for Rudy if during his defamation trial, he wasn’t outside the courthouse doing more defamation. Like, does he get that every time you do a crime, it’s, like, its own thing? This guy is committing defamation like he’s got the unlimited plan — your crimes don’t roll over to next month, Rudy.” — KAL PENNThe Punchiest Punchlines (Can You Spot Me? Edition)“Today, President Biden hosted Ukrainian President Zelensky at the White House. When he asked for money and support, Zelensky said, ‘Sorry, Joe, I got my own problem.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It got a little awkward. Apparently, for a minute, Biden forgot who he was meeting with and offered to zero out Zelensky’s student loan balance.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Zelensky met with all 100 U.S. senators today to ask for additional funding, more humanitarian aid, and to show Ted Cruz how to grow a beard.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“At this point, the U.S. hasn’t agreed to give Ukraine any more funding. Then Zelensky saw the White House’s 98 Christmas trees and was like, ‘Yeah, I can tell money’s tight.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingSean Hayes popped by “Jimmy Kimmel Live” to deliver a message from the Gay Nutcracker, who is riling up some conservatives this holiday season.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightDanielle Brooks will sit down with Seth Meyers to discuss her Golden Globe-nominated performance in “The Color Purple” on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This Out“The Jinkx & DeLa Holiday Show” stars two of America’s most famous drag queens.Santiago Felipe“The Jinkx & DeLa Holiday Show,” a live production stopping by New York City and starring the “RuPaul’s Drag Race” alums Jinkx Monsoon and BenDeLaCreme, features dancing candy canes, glittery gowns and songs about seasonal trauma. More

Biden is accused of living extravagantly while evading taxes. Kimmel described his alleged spending as an “early 2000s Charlie Sheen-caliber performance.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Prodigal SonLast week, a federal grand jury charged Hunter Biden, the president’s son, with scheming to evade taxes on income from foreign businesses. The indictment accuses him of spending millions on “drugs, escorts and girlfriends, luxury hotels and rental properties, exotic cars, clothing and other items of a personal nature, in short, everything but his taxes.”On Monday night, Jimmy Kimmel said Biden was “like the son Donald Trump never had.”“They say Hunter made more than $1.6 million in A.T.M. withdrawals. He spent around $683,000 on payments to various women; over $237,000 on health, beauty and pharmacy, which, you thought you had a long receipt at CVS.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“One hundred and eighty-eight thousand on adult entertainment, and a little over $71,000 on rehab and re-rehab and re-rehab for a grand total of almost $5 million, which is, I mean, that’s like an early 2000s Charlie Sheen-caliber performance. It’s impressive.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“No presidential family member in recent memory comes with as much baggies — uh, I mean, baggage — as Hunter, and now the law has finally caught up with him. ” — KAL PENN, guest host of “The Daily Show”“It’s shocking to think the presidential race might come down to who goes to jail first: Hunter Biden or Donald Trump. Although, maybe if we’re lucky, the two of them might end up in a cell together? Like, you throw George Santos in there, and I am watching that show.” — KAL PENN“The White House has reiterated, which, they reiterated that President Biden will not pardon Hunter if he is convicted of any crime, although they didn’t say anything about not dressing him up as a turkey next Thanksgiving and pardoning him then.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines ($700 Million Investment Edition)“The L.A. Dodgers signed superstar Shohei Ohtani to the biggest contract in all of sports history, $700 million. Wild, right? That is $1 for every minute it takes to watch one single baseball game.” — KAL PENN“The Dodgers will pay him $700 million over the next 10 years. Hot dogs, from now on, will be priced at $500 apiece.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Ohtani is leaving the Angels organization, which was a tough decision, but, ultimately, he’s saying he just wanted to explore a different part of the freeway and now he’s coming here.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And also, let me just say, it is so great that Asian kids have another athlete to look up to, am I right? But let’s acknowledge it’s also a lot of pressure: [imitating child] ‘Dad, I got 100 on my chemistry test.’ [imitating parent] ‘But only 80 on your fastball — go outside and practice!’” — KAL PENNThe Bits Worth WatchingAfter three weeks off-air, Stephen Colbert told the story of his burst appendix on Monday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe pop singer Tate McRae will perform on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutMargot Robbie in “Barbie.”Warner Bros. (“Barbie”)“Barbie,” “Oppenheimer,” and “Succession” are among this year’s top Golden Globe nominees. More

The “Tonight Show” host questioned the checkup results, saying that “Trump’s the only guy who gets his cardio in by storming out of courtrooms.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Picture of HealthOn Monday, former President Donald Trump released a statement from his doctor that declared him to be in “excellent health.” The vague report declared that Trump had lost weight through “an improved diet and daily physical activity” and that his “physical exams were well within the normal range and his cognitive exams were exceptional.”Jimmy Fallon questioned the report on Tuesday, joking that “Trump’s the only guy who gets his cardio in by storming out of courtrooms.”“[pretending to read the note] Donald is in excellent health, the most health a man can ever have, that I can tell you. Doctor.” — JIMMY FALLON“In a newly released letter, former President Trump’s physician said his overall health is excellent and his physical exams are within normal range. But take that with a grain of salt, because the letter also said his coat is shiny and he’s negative for heartworms.” — SETH MEYERS“Sure, we all know Donald Trump is the picture of health — specifically, the “before” picture.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“They also said that Trump’s cognitive exams were exceptional. All I know is when your friend is, like, ‘Guys, I took a cognitive exam, and everything’s fine,’ that usually means the opposite.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Remixed Edition)“During the White House turkey pardon yesterday, President Biden appeared to mix up Taylor Swift and Britney Spears, and, just like that, lost 30 million votes.” — SETH MEYERS“Wow, that’s almost as bad as the time former President Trump called Tim Cook ‘Tim Apple,’ thought Frederick Douglass was alive, called Second Corinthians ‘Two Corinthians,’ called Kevin McCarthy ‘Steve,’ called Paul Ryan ‘Ron,’ walked out of an executive order ceremony after forgetting to sign an executive order, and suggested injecting bleach to kill Covid.” — SETH MEYERS“Fortunately for all of us, Biden apologized immediately. Here’s what he said. He said, ‘I want to apologize to Taylor Swift and Britney Spears for my little mix-up. I obviously know who they are. Taylor, I’ve been a fan ever since you said you ‘Ain’t No Hollaback Girl.’ Seriously, not to quote your own songs back at you, but your music sets ‘Fire to the Rain.’ Britney, you touched all of our hearts in ‘Evita’ when you sang ‘Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.’ I love your work so much it hurts. I guess you could say I have a ‘Bad Romance’ with it. So I hope you accept my apology, Saylor and Tritney, two of the people I am definitely aware of.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.We are confirming your access to this article, this will take just a moment. However, if you are using Reader mode please log in, subscribe, or exit Reader mode since we are unable to verify access in that state.Confirming article access.If you are a subscriber, please  More