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      Stephen Colbert Is Surprised by Luigi Mangione’s ‘Minifesto’

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      “He could’ve just made it a Yelp review: ‘American health care sucks. One star,’” Colbert said of the content of a notebook found with the crime suspect.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Rest Is Still UnwrittenLaw enforcement officials said they recovered a notebook from Luigi Mangione after he was arrested on Monday at a McDonald’s in Altoona, Pa., in connection with the killing of the chief executive of United Healthcare, Brian Thompson. Officers said the notebook included detailed plans for the shooting last week.On Wednesday, Stephen Colbert expressed surprise over the brevity of the note’s 262 words. “That’s not a manifesto — that’s a ‘minifesto,’” Colbert said.“He could’ve just made it a Yelp review: ‘American health care sucks. One star.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The document basically rails against the health care industry and ends with, ‘I do apologize for any strife or traumas, but it had to be done.’ Well, at least he apologized. Reminds me of what Manson said after his murders: ‘Whoops, my bad!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s so crazy to think that Donald Trump working the French fry machine was only the second-weirdest thing to happen at a McDonald’s in Pennsylvania this year.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Police in Altoona report that they’ve been getting threats from Mangione’s fans, demanding he be released immediately. You know, I’ve been on TV just about nonstop for 29 years. This guy’s been in the news since Monday. He has fans threatening the police? Why do I feel like if I shot somebody, even my mother would be like, ‘Lock him up, teach him a lesson! It’s the only way he’s going to learn!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“OK, ‘I don’t really know what I’m talking about’ is a surprising thing to put in a manifesto. This is the first murder manifesto I’ve read that could have ended with ‘But no worries if not!’” — MICHAEL KOSTA“You never see the Taliban like, ‘Death to America, although we’re not experts, so, grain of salt.’” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Mangione has now been charged with second-degree murder, but he’s not pleading guilty, and he’s fighting attempts to extradite him to New York. Well, that makes sense — no one wants to be extradited to New York during the holidays. You’ve got to wait in a two-hour line just to be cavity searched at the M&M store.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Two More Weeks Until Christmas Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel: America’s ‘Going Nuts’ Over a Murder Suspect’s Abs

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      Kimmel applauded people for “moving away from nonstop election coverage” to instead obsess over the looks of Luigi Mangione, who was charged with killing a C.E.O.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Time’s sexiest’On Monday, Luigi Mangione was arrested and charged with the murder of Brian Thompson, the chief executive of UnitedHealthcare.Late night hosts commented Tuesday about the attention over Mangione’s looks, with Jimmy Kimmel calling him “Time’s sexiest alleged murderer of the year” and “the hottest coldblooded killer in America.”“I’m not sure what this says about us, but ever since these photos of him came out from his holding cell, from his mug shot — someone found his abs somewhere online.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Ryan Murphy right now is flying to Netflix headquarters in a jetpack.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So many women and so many men are going nuts over how good-looking this killer is. And there’s a huge wave of horny washing over us right now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“My question is, is he really even that hot? I mean, take away the hair, and the abs, the face, the arms, that easy smile, the way his eyes light up — wait, I’m sorry, what were we talking about? Syria? What are we talking about? Oh, yeah, we’re talking about the guy with the incredible abs.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“But I have to say, it does feel kind of good — we’re moving away from nonstop election coverage and back to drooling over a coldblooded murderer’s eyebrows and abs. I think that might be progress. Maybe not, I don’t know.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (McFingered Edition)“For the last few days, there’s been a killer on the loose in America. Well, there’s actually tons of killers on the loose in America, but this one killed someone important, so they were really looking for him.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“The assassin’s name is Luigi Mangione? Did they find him hiding in a big pipe?” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Mangione has become something of an internet celebrity, and people are not thrilled with the Altoona McDonald’s employees who McFingered him. Several nasty Google reviews have been left of the Altoona location, including ‘They got rats behind the counter. Do not recommend,’ while many others simply left one-star reviews, citing bad service and so-called ‘snitches.’ You know what they say: Snitches get Filet-O-Fishes.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s surprising that he comes from such a privileged background. He’s not really the kind of guy you expect to become a murderer. I mean, I expect him to crash the housing market, but not kill a guy.” — MICHAEL KOSTAWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Chides Trump for Using Dr. Biden Photo to Hawk Cologne

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      The president-elect used a photo of Jill Biden smiling at him to promote his fragrances. Jimmy Kimmel thinks that’s because Melania has never smiled at him on camera.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Smell of ExcessAfter the first lady, Jill Biden, was photographed smiling at Donald Trump during the Notre-Dame Cathedral’s reopening ceremony on Saturday, the president-elect used the image to advertise his new fragrances on social media. (“A fragrance your enemies can’t resist!”)“He had to use that picture because he doesn’t have a picture of his own wife smiling at him,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday.“Even after all these years, Trump still can’t tell when a woman is faking it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It was a rare moment of conciliation, one that would have given this country hope had it not immediately been undermined by the returning president releasing an actual cologne ad belittling and sexualizing said moment.” — JON STEWART“You won! You don’t have to push merch anymore. I find it hard to believe I’m saying this, but it’s beneath you.” — JON STEWART“Although, if you do zoom in on Jill Biden, you see she may just be holding her breath there.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“In response, Dr. Biden used the photo to sell her new line of pepper spray.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s perfect if you want to smell like a Big Mac that’s been sitting in a tanning bed and then thrown into the back of a Cybertruck.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Big Score Edition)“The New York Mets last night signed outfielder Juan Soto to a $765 million deal, stealing him from their hated crosstown rivals, the Yankees. And as a Mets fan, I have to say I am very excited to see how terribly this will inevitably go for us.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The New York Mets have reportedly signed former Yankees star Juan Soto to a 15-year, $765 million contract. And if you’re wondering how they can afford that, Mr. Met started an OnlyFans.” — SETH MEYERS“$765 million — not really the announcement you want to make to friends and family right before Christmas.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingStephen Colbert and Billy Crystal shared their favorite lines from “When Harry Met Sally” on Monday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe singer-songwriters Julien Baker and Torres will make their television debut as a country music duo on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutTaylor Swift at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey in May 2023. Jutharat Pinyodoonyachet for The New York TimesTaylor Swift’s “Eras” tour brought in $2 billion in gross ticket sales, double that of any other concert tour in history. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Says Pete Hegseth Cameos Could Be a Thing This Christmas

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      The late-night host wondered if the embattled pick for secretary of defense could end up appearing on the online platform in time for Christmas.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bad BehaviorPresident-elect Trump’s pick for secretary of defense, Pete Hegseth, continues to face allegations of raucous behavior while working for Fox News.Jimmy Kimmel said that reports of excessive drinking by Hegseth and accusations of sexual misconduct have overshadowed that he is “not even remotely qualified to be secretary of defense — that, we’ve already forgotten about.”“Something tells me we might be able to get Pete Hegseth Cameo videos for Christmas this year.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The latest allegation is that at a 2016 ‘Fox & Friends’ Christmas party, Hegseth reportedly caused a disturbance, leading to a human resource department intervention. Ooh, human resource interventions are the worst: ‘Pete, when you drink, it makes me feel like the company is legally liable.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The H.R. talking-to clearly didn’t work, because soon after, Hegseth attended the wedding of a Fox News colleague, where he reportedly got so drunk that he struggled to stay upright in a men’s bathroom, and friends asked a producer who was there to get him a ride home. OK, finally! ‘Someone at Fox News who’s responsible,’ is what I would say if that sentence did not end with ‘So he could make it to the set by 6 a.m.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Biden’s Last Stand Edition)“Earlier tonight, they had the national Christmas tree lighting at the White House. Yeah. It was a fun night. When President Biden came out, all the kids were like, ‘Look, the Ghost of Christmas Past!’” — JIMMY FALLON“Not only did he light the tree this year, he gave it a pre-emptive pardon just in case it falls over on someone or gets all coked up and throws its gun in the dumpster. Who knows?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“They kept referring to it as ‘Biden’s final tree-lighting ceremony,’ which, when you’re his age, is probably not what you want to hear.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Meanwhile, during tonight’s ceremony, the winds were over 40 miles an hour. Yeah. Biden’s skin looked like when a bulldog sticks his head out of the car window.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingRonny Chieng caught up with Charles Yu, the creator and executive producer of Hulu’s “Interior Chinatown,” on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutAmy Adams channels her feral side in “Nightbitch,” directed by Marielle Heller.Searchlight PicturesAmy Adams stars as a mother who begins to believe she’s a dog in “Nightbitch,” Marielle Heller’s film adaptation of the Rachel Yoder novel. More

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      Late Night Weighs In on Pete Hegseth’s ‘Teetering’ Nomination Prospects

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      Hosts riff on Trump’s possible swap of his secretary of defense nominee amid excessive-drinking claims against Hegseth.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Sobering News’President-elect Donald Trump is said to be reconsidering his choice of Pete Hegseth for defense secretary after allegations emerged of the former Fox News host drinking excessively while on the job.On Wednesday’s “Daily Show,” Ronny Chieng wondered who could have seen this coming — “other than Matt Gaetz, Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani, Michael Cohen and everyone else Trump has ever come into contact with?”“Hey, anyone heard from Herman Cain lately? He’s dead — Google it.” — RONNY CHIENG“OK, before you judge — yes, his show starts at six in the morning, but he was still drinking from the night before, OK? So it’s not sad, it’s awesome.” — RONNY CHIENG“I mean, if Hegseth doesn’t get confirmed, this is really going to make people question Trump’s strategy of giving the most unemployable people on earth the hardest jobs that have ever existed.” — RONNY CHIENGThe Punchiest Punchlines (Plan D Edition)“Apparently, the reports of the drinky-drink are making Trump doing the thinky-think, because word is Trump’s support for Hegseth is teetering, much like Pete Hegseth at a staff meeting.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Instead, Trump is mulling replacing Hegseth with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. While DeSantis actually has some defense qualifications, the replacement isn’t a done deal, because some in Trump’s orbit strongly dislike Ron DeSantis. Wow, that is a weird way to find out I am in Trump’s orbit.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And if you’re wondering what qualifications Ron DeSantis has to run the Pentagon, you are correct to wonder that.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But at least Ron DeSantis is the governor of a state, and he does have military experience. He served in the navy as a JAG officer — he’s a real jag officer, this guy.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe actress Isabella Rossellini discussed the revival of her film “Death Becomes Her” as a Broadway musical while on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe “Saturday Night Live” alumna Kate McKinnon will appear on Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutGetting notes from the fellow actor Jesse Eisenberg, his castmate and director, threw Kieran Culkin off at first: “Literally, my chest would pop out, and I’d clench my fist and be in a defensive stance.”Sam Hellmann for The New York TimesKieran Culkin is an awards season front-runner for his role in “A Real Pain,” but his favorite part to play is father to his two children. More

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      Late Night Razzes Trump’s Upcoming Visit to Notre-Dame

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      “If all goes according to plan, he would like to buy it and turn it into a casino,” Jimmy Kimmel said of the Paris cathedral on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Prayers Up for ParisPresident-elect Donald Trump will fly to France this weekend to attend the reopening of the historic Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris, five years after it was gutted by a fire.“If all goes according to plan, he would like to buy it and turn it into a casino,” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Tuesday.“When Notre-Dame was on fire five years ago, if you remember, Trump was very helpful. He tweeted, ‘So horrible to watch the massive fire at Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris. Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out?’ Because before then, nobody had thought of using water to put out a fire. That’s why he’s a genius.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump plans to meet with French President Macron, who is one of the first world leaders smart enough to congratulate him on his victory last month. He wrote: ‘Ready to work together as we did for four years. With your convictions and mine.’ That’s right — between the two of them, they’ve got 34 convictions.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And it’ll be interesting to see Trump and Macron interact. Trump is said to be jealous of the French president because he’s able to button his suit jacket without adding butter to his chest.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But it’s expected to be a nice, very pleasant trip for the president-elect to enjoy Paris before he takes office, and, of course, for his wife Melania to enjoy wherever it is she will be this weekend.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (On Fire Edition)“I read that President-elect Trump is going to Paris this weekend to attend the reopening of the Notre-Dame Cathedral after it was destroyed in a fire back in 2019. Yep, Trump’s going to take one step inside the church, and it’s going to burst right back into flames.” — JIMMY FALLON“The opening ceremonies are this Sunday, and the restored cathedral will be honored with massive pyrotechnics, a fire-eater and an exhibit of Europe’s most oily rags.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingOn “The Tonight Show” the comedian Fortune Feimster shared the story of successfully introducing her wife to Madonna after 10 years of trying.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightBest buddies Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen will stop by Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutJulia Fox takes pride in being one of New York’s most out-there artists.Megan LovalloActress, writer and all-around It Girl Julia Fox shared her tips for being a freak in T Magazine’s Freak City issue. More

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      Jon Stewart Thinks Biden Could Have Timed That Pardon Better

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      “Normally, you drop a controversial pardon like the way you buy porn at a gas station: in a flurry of other distracting purchases,” the “Late Night” host said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Hypocrisy Isn’t Illegal’As Thanksgiving weekend drew to a close, President Biden issued a full and unconditional pardon for his son Hunter, despite having repeatedly pledged not to do so. It was the talk of late night on Monday.On “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart questioned the president’s timing.“Normally, you drop a controversial pardon like the way you buy porn at a gas station: in a flurry of other distracting purchases.” — JON STEWART“Thanksgiving! I knew it! Perhaps I can explain the way this pardon went down in my new one-man show, ‘Can You Get Hunter to Stop Looking at Me Like That?’” — JON STEWART“He’s an 82-year-old man — he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life visiting his son in prison.” — JON STEWART“Hypocrisy isn’t illegal, nor is it particularly unusual in politics. It’s not like he’s ever going to run again, so why not take care of your kid, even if you said you weren’t going to? I respect it. I don’t have a problem with it. The problem is, the rest of the Democrats made Biden’s pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of their defense of America.” — JON STEWARTThe Punchiest Punchlines (World’s Greatest Dad Edition)“Yeah, it was a big shopping weekend, and millions of people got great deals, but nobody got a better deal than Hunter Biden.” — JIMMY FALLON“Christmas came early for this guy.” — TYRUS, guest host of “Gutfeld!”“The Biden presidency has now entered the ‘Grandpa doesn’t give a damn about what you think’ phase.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And, yes, Joe Biden did say he wasn’t going to pardon Hunter. But, to be fair, there’s a very good chance he doesn’t remember saying that.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Can’t Believe Matt Gaetz Won’t Be Attorney General

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      Jimmy Kimmel said the scandal-ridden ex-congressman’s withdrawal was “exciting news for Judge Jeanine Pirro, who will be our next attorney general.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.A Distraction From the DistractionsMatt Gaetz, who was President-elect Donald J. Trump’s choice for attorney general despite allegations that he’d used drugs and had sex with a 17-year-old, withdrew his name from consideration on Thursday.Jimmy Kimmel said the ex-congressman from Florida had “crawled back under the rock of cocaine he scurried out from under.”“He said he decided to take his MAGA hat out of the ring because his nomination was becoming a distraction to the critical work of the Trump/Vance transition. Which is true: President-elect Trump should not be distracted from his critical work of creating other distractions.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Gaetz said he was honored that Trump nominated him, and he looks forward to spending more time posing as a high school senior on the Roblox Reddit page.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“See, the thing is, Trump did this wrong. He did it in the wrong order. First, you nominate Diddy for attorney general, then Matt Gaetz.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This Gaetz situation is a setback for Trump, but it’ll all be forgotten as soon as he nominates new surgeon general Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“All of this attention on this sex criminal was unfairly distracting from the critical work of all the other sex criminals who have been nominated.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And while this is sad news for Gaetz and his fans, it is potentially very exciting news for Judge Jeanine Pirro, who will be our next attorney general.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Poor Rudy Giuliani. He has to be on the twin bed in the office his son converted into a guest room right now, going, ‘What about me?’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Withdrawal Edition)“Former Florida congressman Matt Gaetz withdrew today as President-elect Trump’s nominee for attorney general. This puts a lot of pressure on Trump, because now there’s not much time to find somebody worse.” — SETH MEYERS“Matt Gaetz is out? But his nomination was only eight days old! Once again, he can’t even make it to 18.” — SETH MEYERS“If you’ve ever dreamed of being an attorney general, update your résumé, because they have an opening.” — DESI LYDICThe Bits Worth WatchingGwyneth Paltrow and DJ Khaled played a game of “True Confessions” on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutRachel Elizabeth Seed’s mother, Sheila Turner Seed, in “A Photographic Memory.”Capariva FilmsRachel Elizabeth Seed’s new documentary, “A Photographic Memory,” weaves meditations on memory and the nature of photography with a personal narrative about her mother, a photographer who died when she was 18 months old. More