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      Jimmy Kimmel Knows How the Impeachment Sequel Will End

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightJimmy Kimmel Knows How the Impeachment Sequel Will End“It’s kind of like ‘The Empire Strikes Back,’” Kimmel said. “We already know how it ends, but we’re watching it anyway.” Jimmy Kimmel isn’t expecting many Republican senators to vote against Donald Trump. “But a few of them, who knows? Maybe three ghosts will visit them in the middle of the night tonight.”Credit…ABCFeb. 12, 2021, 2:01 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Oops, He Did It AgainThe House impeachment managers wrapped up their case against Donald Trump on Thursday, but the late-night hosts weren’t optimistic about the verdict.“It’s kind of like ‘The Empire Strikes Back,’” Jimmy Kimmel said. “We already know how it ends, but we’re watching it anyway.” “Democrats could — at this point, they could produce a video of Trump looking straight into the camera saying ‘I, Donald Trump, hereby incite this insurrection of violence,’ and most of the Republican senators would be like, ‘But where’s the proof? We didn’t see proof.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“House Democrats today concluded their impeachment case against former President Trump. ‘Well, you’ve given me plenty to not think about,’ said Rand Paul.” — SETH MEYERS“Yep, their presentation was so emotional and compelling that Republicans almost looked up from their phones.” — JIMMY FALLON“Most of them are lost causes. Like Tom Cotton, Bill Hagerty — these guys, they would eat the hair out of Donald Trump’s shower drain. But a few of them, who knows? Maybe three ghosts will visit them in the middle of the night tonight.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“These senators are a jury for a trial of the president, but instead, they’re acting like bored middle schoolers. What do Democrats have to do to make this interesting for them, bring in one of those math teachers who raps everything? ‘My name is Doug and I’m here to say, democracy was threatened in a major way.’” — TREVOR NOAH“Here’s the thing: if Americans cared as much about America as we do about Britney Spears, this would be a really great place to live.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Plead the 45th Edition)“Trump’s argument is basically, ‘Yes, maybe I did shout “fire” in a crowded theater, but the people trampling each other were acting on their own.’ And these people who acted on their own, I wonder if you can use stupidity as a defense? You can plead insanity, why not?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Essentially they were using Trump’s own words against him. What they are arguing is that Trump — and I promise this is the only time you will hear me say this — knew what he was doing.” — JAMES CORDEN“Guys, come on, don’t call Trump in the middle of the riot. You just saw him at the rally a couple hours ago — you gotta be chill. You call the morning after the insurrection, you know? You gotta play the game!” — TREVOR NOAH“Also, how embarrassing is this for Trump? Even his supporters knew they could call him any time and he won’t be busy.” — TREVOR NOAH“Overall, these videos make it pretty obvious that Trump incited the rioters. They were wearing Trump hats, carrying Trump flags, and they all just watched Trump speak, and they were chanting, ‘Fight for Trump!’ Even that dog from ‘Blue’s Clues’ is like, ‘I need a challenge here, guys. We all know what this is, right?’” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean, if one guy stormed the Capitol because he thought you said it to him, maybe you just can blame him. But if an entire stadium of people misunderstood you in the exact same way, I don’t know, man, that [expletive] on you.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingDesus and Mero got personal with their “life coach” Whoopi Goldberg.Also, Check This OutWiig and Mumolo in a musical number from the new film.Credit…Cate Cameron/LionsgateThe “Bridesmaids” co-writers Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo share the screen in their new collaboration, “Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar.”AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Stephen Colbert Gets Serious About New Insurrection Evidence

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightStephen Colbert Gets Serious About New Insurrection Evidence“Because only by facing this truth will we have any hope of stopping it from happening again,” Colbert said. “Also, I’m pretty convinced it wasn’t antifa now.”“That’s right, there’s even more hard-to-watch video. Next up, deleted scenes from ‘Cats,’” Stephen Colbert joked on Wednesday night.Credit…CBSFeb. 11, 2021, 3:52 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Guilt by DissociationStephen Colbert brought some levity to former President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial on Wednesday after House managers presented powerful new video from the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol, which Trump is accused of inciting.“That’s right, there’s even more hard-to-watch video. Next up, deleted scenes from ‘Cats.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTBut Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel also got serious to address the severity of the violence as shown. Colbert said he empathized with House managers because not only did they have to experience the attack and then relive it while presenting the footage as evidence, but they also had to do so “in front of Republican senators desperately trying to ignore that truth and desperately trying to treat it like it was a waste of time.”“But it’s not a waste of time, because whether or not the ex-president is impeached, or whether or not they vote to do the right thing to keep him from holding office again, it is important that one time, as a nation, we look this straight in the face and as it is laid out definitively for the unprecedented and premeditated violation that it is. Because only by facing this truth will we have any hope of stopping it from happening again. Also, I’m pretty convinced it wasn’t antifa now.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It was a very powerful presentation, much more than anything I’d seen before. I have no idea how you could watch that and vote for anything other than ‘guilty as charged.’ Trump should have been removed from office that day.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Despite the powerful evidence supplied by the House managers and objective reality, many G.O.P. senators seemed to be barely paying attention. Instead, they were seen explicitly not listening: feet up on their desks, reading books and reading briefing papers on other topics. Yes, other, more interesting topics like, ‘How does history tend to remember cowardly, fascist-enabling, worthless pieces of garbage?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Always weird when a violent insurrection has a director’s cut.” — JAMES CORDEN“A lot of Republicans saw the new footage and were like: ‘Wow, this is really horrifying. I’m not going to change my vote, but yikes.’” — JAMES CORDENBad ReviewsThe majority of other late-night monologues were dedicated to just how poorly Trump’s lawyers performed on Tuesday, as agreed upon by several Republicans — including Trump himself.“Today was a successful day for Donald Trump’s lawyers in that they did not speak.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The former president’s lawyers had the day off, and they needed it, because they’re still in reconstructive surgery from punching themselves in the face for two hours yesterday.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“They never addressed key issues. They went off on meandering tangents. One guy cried while reading a poem. It was going so badly for the Republicans, I thought Ted Cruz was going to start another insurrection just to change the subject.” — TREVOR NOAH“Trump’s lawyer was so bad he actually flashed the Rudy signal over Mar-a-Lago.” — JIMMY FALLON“Republicans are like: ‘Wow, that defense was terrible. He couldn’t have made a worse case. Anyway, not guilty.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s the first time in history a president has been impeached a second time. He incited and cheered on a violent mob that breached the Capitol for the first time in 200 years, and injured 140 police officers in an attempt to overthrow democracy. You’d think his lawyers would be a little more prepared. Instead, Castor meandered aimlessly like he was auditioning to be on one of those sleep apps.” — SETH MEYERS“I left a voice mail on Ecstasy in 1997 that made more sense than this.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Man Camera Lawyer TV Edition)“Trump was not happy with how it went yesterday. They say the last time he was this mad was when he found out there was a Donald Trump Jr.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The one man who really did not enjoy Castor’s performance was his client, because reportedly during Castor’s opening statement, the used-POTUS was ‘almost screaming’ at the TV. When has he ever ‘almost’ screamed? Back in the White House, the TVs had so much spittle on them, they came with wiper blades.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“On one hand, Trump was furious. On the other hand, screaming at the TV all day made him feel like he was president again.” — JIMMY FALLON“I mean first Giuliani, now these guys. Trump is really bad at picking an effective lawyer, which I chalk up as great news for Melania.” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee made a case for raising the minimum wage on Wednesday’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe rapper Cardi B will sit down with Jimmy Fallon on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutJay-Z in concert in Virginia Beach in 2019. He’s on the list of nominees for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame released Wednesday.Credit…Brian Ach/Getty Images North America, via (Credit Too Long, See Caption)Tina Turner, Jay-Z and the Foo Fighters are among this year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominees.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Trump’s Trial: Stephen Colbert Experiences ‘Déjà Coup’

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightTrump’s Trial: Stephen Colbert Experiences ‘Déjà Coup’Donald Trump’s second impeachment trial kicked off on Tuesday with late-night hosts predicting it will end just like the first.“The country’s like a bar. The last president puked in the bathroom. Somebody’s got to clean it up, or we can’t use the bathroom anymore,” Stephen Colbert joked on Tuesday.Credit…CBSFeb. 10, 2021Updated 3:16 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Impeachment, the SequelThe late-night hosts on Tuesday night recapped the first day of former President Donald Trump’s second impeachment trial.“I got that real feeling of déjà coup,” said Stephen Colbert in his “Late Show” monologue.“It’s one year and four days since we finished up the last impeachment trial of the same president, February of 2020. Oh, we were so young then. I long for a simpler time, when people hiding from Nazis and not leaving their house for months were just the plots of ‘Jojo Rabbit’ and ‘Parasite.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I don’t know about you guys, but I am stuffed with wings and nachos from my impeachment trial party.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, two impeachments are historic, but just like Tom Brady, Trump won’t rest until he gets to seven.” — JIMMY FALLON“Today, Trump became the only president ever to face a second impeachment trial, which is pretty impressive when you consider he only showed up to work about half of the time. I mean, if Trump really applied himself as president, we could be on impeachment number, like, 35 by now.” — TREVOR NOAH“But you can definitely tell this impeachment is the sequel, because the sequel always has to turn things up to 11. The original impeachment was like: ‘Listen to this diplomat describe a phone call as you ponder the meaning of quid pro quo.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And I know that this vote might make the trial seem pointless now, yes, but just because we know how the trial will end, it doesn’t mean the trial shouldn’t take place. I mean, when you’re watching ‘Law & Order,’ right, do you turn it off in the first five minutes when the cops interview a dentist who obviously killed his patient to cover up an affair? Of course not! You watch the whole thing because then you get to say, ‘I knew it!’ when you end up being right.” — TREVOR NOAH“Today, 44 Republican Senators voted that the trial was unconstitutional, because they don’t want to have this trial. Well, tough nuts. The country’s like a bar. The last president puked in the bathroom. Somebody’s got to clean it up, or we can’t use the bathroom anymore. Oh, you’re the ones who decided to be a busboy. So grab a mop and do your job. But if you can’t find a mop, use Rand Paul’s hair.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The reason they’re even having this trial is because he sent maniacs on a panty raid of their office. They’re just too afraid to do the right thing because Trump and his bag of boiled nuts will then target them.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know what they say, gentlemen: see no evil, hear no evil makes you seem really evil.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Rambling Lawyer Edition)“After how it went today, I’m worried that Trump is gonna get the chair.” — TREVOR NOAH“Trump’s lawyer is giving the speech you give when you have to stall because the actual lawyer is stuck in traffic.” — TREVOR NOAH“Trump is probably watching this at home like: ‘What the hell is wrong with this guy? The ad on the side of the bus said he was the best. Why would he be on the bus if he’s not the best?’” — TREVOR NOAH“Castor was so rambling, there were times it seemed like his plan was to put everybody to sleep, then grab the Articles of Impeachment and just tiptoe out. Even C-SPAN tried to save their ratings by switching to live testimony from the House subcommittee on paint drying.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Even Joe Biden was like: ‘Come on, man. Wrap it up.’” — JIMMY FALLON“If the Senate had an orchestra pit, they’d be playing him off.” — JIMMY FALLON“Given who his boss is, I’m pretty sure that was his opening and closing statement. [As Trump] ‘You’re fired.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani was watching like, ‘Damn, this guy’s good.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Now, Castor only had a week to prepare for the trial and has never met with Trump in person, which is honestly a good legal strategy. Like, ‘Hey, man, the less I know, the better.’” — JAMES CORDEN“[Imitating Castor] I am the lead prosecutor — sorry, the defense — here to prove the president is guilty — sorry, innocent — and should be sent to jail — sorry, to Mar-a-Lago. Wow. I guess Freud’s mom’s got my penis, I mean, cat’s tongue!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden spoke with the newly minted four-time Super Bowl champion Rob Gronkowski on Tuesday’s “Late Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightKristen Wiig will catch up with Stephen Colbert on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutCredit…Frazer Harrison/Getty ImagesMegan Mullally, a star of the animated Fox comedy “The Great North,” is inspired by TwinsthenewTrend pop music reaction videos on YouTube, vintage T-shirts and Rickie Lee Jones cover songs.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Tackles ‘Weirdest Super Bowl’ Ever

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }Super Bowl 2021N.F.L.’s Most Challenging YearGame HighlightsThe CommercialsHalftime ShowWhat We LearnedAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightJimmy Kimmel Tackles ‘Weirdest Super Bowl’ Ever“This was the first Super Bowl ever where I had to yell, ‘Be quiet — I’m trying to hear the poem!’” Kimmel said.Jimmy Kimmel joked that it seemed unfair for Tom Brady to win his seventh Super Bowl ring when there were still Americans who hadn’t yet gotten their first.Credit…ABCFeb. 9, 2021, 1:55 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Brady BunchLate-night hosts weighed in Monday night on Super Bowl LV, noting how the big game was palpably different this year because of the coronavirus pandemic. Jimmy Kimmel referred to it as “the weirdest Super Bowl” ever.“This was the first Super Bowl ever where I had to yell, ‘Be quiet — I’m trying to hear the poem!’” Kimmel said.“One thing that was not normal, but was beautiful, was the pregame performance from the breakout star of Joe Biden’s inauguration, poet Amanda Gorman, who recited an original poem. It was the most exciting pregame poetry recital since Robert Frost kicked off the action at Super Bowl I.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Why aren’t we off today? The one thing I was hoping Donald Trump would accomplish is getting us Super Bowl Monday off. He had four years — nothing!” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Kansas City Chiefs in last night’s Super Bowl, and look, I know it’s hard to win back-to-back Super Bowls, but honestly, J. Lo should have gotten the chance to try.” — SETH MEYERS“Yep, today in Boston, fans are happy for Brady but sad that he left the Patriots, which probably explains Sam Adams’s new beer, Sam Adams’s Bittahsweet Teahs.” — JIMMY FALLON“Seriously, the game was such a dud. I watched it from home and I still left early to beat traffic.” — JIMMY FALLON“At a certain point, even Buccaneers fans were like, ‘Just end the game so we can get to Queen Latifah.’” — JIMMY FALLON“And how about Tom Brady winning his seventh Super Bowl ring? At this rate, he’s gonna be the first player with a Super Bowl toe ring, people.” — TREVOR NOAH“I don’t know if they mentioned this, but Tom Brady won his seventh ring at a time when there are a lot of people in this country who don’t even have one Super Bowl ring.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I mean, at this point Tom Brady has led the kind of life that 8-year-olds narrate to themselves in their backyard: ‘The crowd goes wild! Tommy wins his seventh Super Bowl! And now he’s rich and he’s married to a supermodel! And now he’s riding a dinosaur — rawr!’” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, Brady has cemented his place on the sports Mount Rushmore, alongside Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali and that fan who took a home run ball to the chest to save his beers.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Tampa Fans Edition)“What a weekend for the people of Tampa. Forty-eight hours of nonstop drinking and partying in the streets — and then the Super Bowl.” — JIMMY FALLON“Tampa Bay fans were not taking precautions. Last night, they had a huge, mostly maskless celebration while I was eating nachos through my N95.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“While the teams did their best to make the game itself safe-ish, the after-party on the streets of Tampa was a different story. Because following the Bucs’ blowout victory, hordes of maskless fans partied hearty, in a foolhardy display that can only be described as ‘Florida.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, they partied hard in Tampa. One girl was so drunk, she made out with the Vince Lombardi hologram.” — JIMMY FALLON“You know, health officials are frustrated because they’ve spent the whole last year trying to educate people about the importance of masks and social distance. Unfortunately, explaining science to people from Florida is like explaining Zoom to your turtle.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSeth Meyers’s “A Closer Look” on Monday Night delved into the G.O.P.’s continual dismissal of Trump’s second impeachment.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightWanda Sykes will pop by Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutJessica FloresCredit…via Jessica FloresThe Comedian and improv performer Jessica Flores uses humor to demystify hearing loss and dispel myths about deaf people.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Trevor Noah: Marjorie Taylor Greene Deleted Her Browser History IRL

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightTrevor Noah: Marjorie Taylor Greene Deleted Her Browser History IRLThe congresswoman disavowed some of her outlandish statements. But Noah says she’s “so crazy that her saying that 9/11 happened makes me go, ‘Wait, did it?’”“Looks like someone started listening to the reasonable voices in her head,” Trevor Noah said after Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene said she regretted endorsing QAnon conspiracy theories.Credit…Comedy CentralFeb. 5, 2021, 2:42 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Greene House EffectHouse Democrats voted on Thursday to strip Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene of her committee assignments, while House Republicans chose to stick by her after she expressed remorse for past comments about 9/11 and school shootings. She blamed her past support for QAnon on misinformation that she found on the internet.“Wow, I’ve never seen someone try to delete their browser history in real life,” Trevor Noah remarked.“Yes, people: Marjorie Taylor Greene has been kicked off her committees. But if you think about it, this is a pretty sweet deal for Greene. Basically, her punishment for acting insane was to do less work for the same amount of money.” — TREVOR NOAH“But if she’s not in charge of education, who’s going to tell all those students that there never really was a shooting?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And, honestly, I think kicking her off these committees could actually backfire. The last thing you want to do with a crazy person is give them time to be crazy. That’s why they should put her on all the committees — then you’ll never hear from her again.” — TREVOR NOAH“Online, Greene also has endorsed the idea of executing Democratic leaders. Kind of a bad look when you’re OK with your new co-workers getting murdered: ‘Hey guys, I cannot wait to join the team. Tell you what, I’m going to cut your hamstring and give you a 30-minute head start before I hunt you with a crossbow.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Looks like someone started listening to the reasonable voices in her head. Although, this woman is so crazy that her saying that 9/11 happened makes me go, ‘Wait, did it?’” — TREVOR NOAH“You know what? This may come as a surprise to you, but those of us who watched those buildings burn with our bare eyes here in the New York City area are not that impressed with your willingness to admit that it happened. I believe we as a nation promised to ‘always remember’ it happened. What’s her bumper sticker say, ‘9/11 — oops, I forgot’”?— STEPHEN COLBERT“All right, well, at least now we know 9/11 happened. Can you imagine having to go in front of the House of Representatives to say 9/11 happened? Yeah, we know. We know it happened. You’re the crazy one, not us.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Oh, my God, thank you, it is so big of you to admit that. What else would you like to clarify? ‘[Imitating Greene] I would also like to make clear that “Inception” is just a movie, “RoboCop” is not real, and the giant glowing orb in the sky is, in fact, the moon and not a secret sky bank where Bill Gates keeps all his gold bars.’” — SETH MEYERS“But, hey, I’m glad that she’s come around to the standard Republican belief that school shootings are real and that nothing should be done to stop them.” — TREVOR NOAH“But, yes, you see, it’s all Facebook’s fault for ‘allowing’ her to believe in those things. So don’t blame her — blame Mark Zuckerberg, with his social media lies and his space lasers.” — TREVOR NOAH“That’s right, the woman who started impeachment proceedings against Joe Biden the day he took office is calling for unity now. The congresswoman who wants to execute Nancy Pelosi is right. We need to come together, and the media is just as guilty as QAnon! That’s like saying Jell-O is just as guilty as Bill Cosby.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The worst part of this, she has still not been reprimanded in any official way by fellow Republicans in the House. In fact, they gave her a standing ovation yesterday. Some of them, not all of them. Some of them didn’t want to stand up for fear they could be targeted by Jewish space lasers.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Now, look, man, Marjorie Taylor Greene isn’t the first person to believe things that she read on the internet. But her defense isn’t really reassuring because, basically, what she’s saying is, ‘Yes, up until now, I believed that school shootings were fake, 9/11 didn’t happen and that Jewish space lasers blew up California. But that’s only because I am incapable of separating fantasy from reality. So let’s do the right thing and let me go back to making laws.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (You Can’t Fire Me, I Quit Edition)“After the Screen Actors Guild criticized Trump last month, today he sent a letter saying that he’s quitting the union. Trump’s out of work and just quit his union — even worse, now if he wants medical coverage, he’s got to sign up for Obamacare.” — JIMMY FALLON“He sent them a scathingly stupid letter that begins, ‘I write to you regarding the so-called disciplinary committee hearing aimed at revoking my union membership. Who cares?’ Oh, I know! The guy who took the time to write a letter, who also has skin so thin it makes phyllo dough like Kevlar?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So he’s now out of the actors’ union. That’s too bad — I was positive he was going to be the next James Bond.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Meanwhile, Melania heard and was like, ‘Um, Donald, while we’re on the subject of leaving unions.’” — JIMMY FALLON“One day you’re the most powerful man on earth, the next you’re bragging about your one line in ‘Home Alone 2.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingTom Brady participated in a special pre-Super Bowl, all-Brady edition of Mean Tweets.Also, Check This OutThe showrunners of “Superstore” felt a responsibility to show the pandemic’s impact on retail employees.Credit…Trae Patton/NBCTelevision shows now in production are trying to predict whether viewers will want to see the reality of the pandemic reflected onscreen, or if they’d prefer a distraction instead.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Trump’s Being Impeached Again, So It Must Be Groundhog Day

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightTrump’s Being Impeached Again, So It Must Be Groundhog Day“His lawyers just copied and pasted his defense from the last impeachment: Control-F ‘Ukraine,’ replace with ‘riot,’” Jimmy Fallon said.“I’m just glad we’re still holding up wild rodents,” Jimmy Fallon said of the Groundhog Day festivities in Pennsylvania. “Clearly, we’ve learned a lot about public health from the pandemic.”Credit…NBCFeb. 3, 2021, 2:17 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Someone Sees His Shadow“Well, guys, it must be Groundhog Day because we’re living through Trump’s impeachment again,” Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Fallon and most of the other late-night hosts delved into the House Democrats’ brief alleging that former President Donald Trump was “singularly responsible” for the Capitol riot last month. Rudy Giuliani was heartbroken, according to Fallon: “Singularly responsible? What — what am I, chopped cigars?”“This morning, House Democrats released their trial brief, which argues ‘the former president is singularly responsible for the violence and destruction that unfolded in our seat of government on January 6,’ as he ‘summoned a mob to Washington, exhorted them into a frenzy, and aimed them like a loaded cannon down Pennsylvania Avenue.’ Yes, they were in a frenzy, and by the look of it, some of them were clearly loaded.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“After that, Trump’s legal team filed a brief that claims that he isn’t responsible. It wasn’t that hard to write. His lawyers just copied and pasted his defense from the last impeachment: Control-F ‘Ukraine,’ replace with ‘riot.’” — JIMMY FALLON“The brief opens with a simple timeline of the facts: The president refuses to accept the results of the 2020 election, the president incites insurrectionists to attack the Capitol, insurrectionists incited by the president attack the Capitol, the president is derelict of duty during the attack. OK, that checks out. He is a derelict, and they smeared the Capitol with doody.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The disgraced former president’s team argued that he cannot be convicted by the Senate, because he is no longer in office. So, OK, once you leave a job, you’re immune from prosecution? ‘Cannibalism? Nice try, your honor, but I don’t even work at White Castle anymore.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“On the very first page of their first legal filing, they wrote, ‘to the honorable members of the Unites States Senate.’ They misspelled ‘United States.’ And we’re off!” — JIMMY KIMMEL“There was actually a typo on the first page of the Trump brief, but I’m sure it was a long, complicated legal term. Nope, it’s just — just the name of our country, that’s it.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yes, the ‘Unites States Senate,’ both Republicarnts and Democrabs.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Punxsutawney Edition)“You know how we keep saying that every day in this pandemic feels like Groundhog Day? Well, today it really did.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Pennsylvania groundhog Punxsutawney Phil today saw his shadow, which in Covid times means six more weeks of February.” — SETH MEYERS“I’m just glad we’re still holding up wild rodents. Clearly, we’ve learned a lot about public health from the pandemic.” — JIMMY FALLON“But it seems Punxsutawney Phil has been spending lockdown like the rest of us, because he came out in stretchy pants eating a tube of cookie dough.” — JIMMY FALLON“For the love of God, Phil. I can’t take it! I don’t want to be stuck inside six more weeks staring at snow outside the window. I am ready to be stuck inside staring at rain outside the window.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I know you think it’s just a cute little tradition, but I don’t know if you’ve noticed, the rest of us are out here in a life-or-death battle over anti-science psychopaths taking over our government. So it really doesn’t help our case that we’re out here using animals to predict the weather, because it’s hard to make fun of Marjorie Taylor Greene and her Jewish space lasers while you supposed blue staters are wearing top hats and gathering around a hole in the ground waiting to find out if you can book tee times based on which way a woodchuck scurries.” — SETH MEYERS“I’m all for this nonpolitical news, but this whole thing is getting a little silly, isn’t it? I mean, top hats and scrolls, wall-to-wall coverage? It’s a groundhog; it’s not a royal wedding. Biden’s inauguration didn’t get this much attention.” — JIMMY FALLON“Due to the pandemic, instead of any groundhog groupies, the audience was packed with cardboard cutouts. Well, then that means there were no proper witnesses. I demand a hand recount of the groundhog. Stop the shadow! Storm Gobbler’s Knob!” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah talked about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instagram Live detailing the congresswoman’s terrifying experience during the riot at the Capitol.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe dancer, singer and hair bow aficionado JoJo Siwa will appear on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutMaria Garcia, the host and creator of “Anything for Selena,” in El Paso, where she was raised.Credit…Ivan Pierre Aguirre for The New York TimesThe “Anything for Selena” podcast celebrates the Tejano singer Selena’s continuing impact on popular culture.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Trump’s New Lawyers Represent Him Well, Says Late Night

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightTrump’s New Lawyers Represent Him Well, Says Late Night“My God, who on Earth would hire Jeffrey Epstein’s defense lawyer?” Stephen Colbert said on Monday. “Oh, Jeffrey Epstein’s wingman? Yeah, that makes sense.”Stephen Colbert joked that former President Donald J. Trump “cruised some dark alleys of the legal world” to find new lawyers for his impeachment defense team.Credit…CBSFeb. 2, 2021, 2:29 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Rats Fleeing a Sinking Rat’Former President Donald J. Trump lost five lawyers from his legal defense team over the weekend, just more than a week before his second impeachment trial.“There was something lawyers wouldn’t do for money,” Stephen Colbert joked on Monday night. “That is rats fleeing a sinking rat.”“He wanted his lawyers to make the case that he won the election and they quit, so this should be fun.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, Trump and his lawyers disagreed on strategy. Apparently Trump got upset when they wanted to have one.” — JIMMY FALLON“Aha, the brilliant legal strategy of pointing out to the jury how motivated you were to commit the crime.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“At this rate, Trump’s going to be the first president to show up to his impeachment trial with a public defender.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump suddenly found himself without any legal representation, which is still a huge improvement over being represented by Rudy Giuliani.” — JAMES CORDEN“Trump was furious — not that they quit, that he couldn’t fire them on Twitter.” — JIMMY FALLON“A source close to the ex-president described it as a ‘mutual decision.’ Oh, totally mutual! ‘No, Carol did not divorce me — we divorced me. We also agreed that the lawn was the perfect place for all my shirts.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTBut Trump didn’t go without for long. On Sunday, Colbert said, “the former president cruised some dark alleys of the legal world and scooped up two new lawyers,” Bruce Castor and David Schoen.“Now these guys have a lot in common. When he was a Pennsylvania D.A. in 2005, Castor declined to prosecute Bill Cosby as part of a ‘secret agreement,’ although it is possible Castor did not know, and Cosby just dropped the secret agreement into his drink.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Meanwhile, days before Jeffrey Epstein died, Schoen actually met with the accused child sex trafficker about ‘joining his defense.’ My God, who on earth would hire Jeffrey Epstein’s defense lawyer? Oh, Jeffrey Epstein’s wingman? Yeah, that makes sense.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“What, was the guy who defended Saddam Hussein not available?” — JIMMY FALLON“I mean, even Rudy Giuliani thought, ‘You’re going with these guys?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Vaccine Dodgers Edition)“The only snowflakes we had here in L.A. this weekend were the ones blocking the vaccine line at Dodger Stadium.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Whatever their reason, they gathered at the entrance to Dodger Stadium for what they called a ‘scamdemic protest march.’ They blocked traffic; they delayed the vaccinations for about an hour. Now see, this is where we really miss Tommy Lasorda. He would have cleared that mess out in about a minute.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Whoa, these people in L.A. had to sit in their cars for an hour. How did they notice?” — TREVOR NOAH“For Pete’s sake, it takes two hours just to change lanes on the 405.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The protest organizers wanted people to be open to their message, so they urged attendees to ‘refrain from wearing MAGA attire, as we want our statement to resonate with the sheeple.’ Yeah, the ones getting the vaccine are the sheeple — ‘Now everyone hide the matching hats we bought from our bankrupt casino god-king!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s right. These doofuses with their homemade signs saying ‘Bill Gates is controlled by Satan’ are like, ‘Take off that MAGA hat or they’ll think we’re nuts.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“If you don’t want a vaccine, then don’t get one. I don’t agree with you, but don’t ruin it for everyone else. Like, we don’t come interrupt you when you’re busy dying of measles.” — TREVOR NOAH“Here’s what I don’t understand — why does it always have to be the most ridiculous people who are the most fired up? Like why can’t anti-vaxxers be like those Instagram models were last summer, you know? Where they just post a black square on Instagram one day and never bring up vaccines again?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Slave Play” playwright Jeremy O. Harris appeared on “The Daily Show,” discussing how Covid has devastated the theater industry.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightZendaya will catch up with Colbert on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutSophie’s fascinations with the musicality of hyper-feminized speech and the plasticky found-materials of late-capitalist consumer culture made their way into her music.Credit…Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for CoachellaThe late Sophie was a progressive performer and producer who worked with artists from Madonna to Charli XCX in her short but influential career. Here are 12 of her essential songs.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More