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      Stephen Colbert Counts Down to Donald Trump’s Sentencing

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      Colbert showed off his “Countdown to Sentencing Advent Calendar,” which contained a bottle of bourbon.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Convicted Felon Trump’Most late night hosts were off last week after the Memorial Day holiday, which meant Monday was their first chance to discuss how Donald Trump had been found guilty on 34 counts in his hush money trial.Stephen Colbert continuously referred to the former president as “convicted felon Trump” and wheeled out his “Countdown to Sentencing Advent Calendar,” complete with Judge Juan M. Merchan’s face on each one of the 38 days until July 11, and a bottle of bourbon inside.“It’s going to be the R.N.C. live from Cell Block B with a keynote speech from his warden, his cellmate Spider, that one guard who smuggles in cellphones up his butt, and, for the cocktail hour, enjoy complimentary toilet wine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Former President Trump has been found guilty on all 34 charges in his criminal hush money trial and faces up to four years in prison. Well, for what it’s worth, all your friends are already there, you know? It’s like what my wife tells me on our way to a dinner party: ‘Don’t worry — you’ll know people.’” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, Trump was found guilty. They were going to put him in an orange jumpsuit, but it felt redundant.” — JIMMY FALLON“Just because there’s ample evidence and a jury believes it, anyone could now be found guilty. Do we really want to live in an America where the law is applied equally regardless of how rich you are?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“We might now be facing a situation where if you can’t do the time, and I can’t believe I’m saying this: Don’t do the crime.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The big question now is whether Trump will get jail time or house arrest. If he’s sentenced to jail, Melania will be inside the courtroom chanting, ‘Four more years!’” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump will be sentenced on July 11, and his lawyers told him, ‘You should get your affairs in order.’ Trump was like, ‘That’s what got me in trouble in the first place.’” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, former President Trump was found guilty last week on 34 counts of falsifying business records and faces up to 4 years in jail and a $5,000 fine. And I think I speak for all of us when I say, you can waive the fine.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Lock Her Up Edition)“The people said ‘Lock her up?’ That was your whole campaign — stop it! We remember; we were there. It’s like if Arby’s said ‘We never said we had the meats — the people said we had the meats.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“[imitating Trump] Folks, I was talking about Hilary Swank, OK? No baby is worth a million dollars.” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Stephen Colbert Finds Donald Trump ‘Past His Expiration Date’

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      Michael Cohen’s testimony gave the host plenty of fodder, especially when he described Donald Trump speculating about going back “on the market.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Only One Way to Get Paid’Donald Trump’s former lawyer and fixer, Michael Cohen, took the stand on Monday in the former president’s hush money trial.“Now, you never want to be the middleman between your boss and a porn star,” Colbert said of Cohen. “Sure, it sounds titillating when they ask, but eventually it’s just a tangle of limbs, and you’re just kind of watching.”“Michael Cohen testified today that former President Trump once said that he wouldn’t be single for very long if former first lady Melania Trump were to leave him. So, yeah, he wrote his own vows.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, Michael Cohen testified today that Trump once asked him how long he’d be single if Melania were to leave him and said, ‘How long do you think I’d be on the market for? Not long.’ On the market? You’re a 78-year-old psychopath with massive debt. That’s not a market, that’s a lost-and-found bin.” — SETH MEYERS“Coincidentally, ‘not long’ is how Stormy described it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But it’s true — he would be off the market soon. I mean, he is clearly past his expiration date.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“During his testimony today, Cohen also said that he was never paid for early legal work he did for Trump. Of course not! He doesn’t pay his lawyers, he doesn’t pay his contractors. There’s really only one way to get paid by Donald Trump, and it is not worth it.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Hannibal Lecter Edition)“At this rally, Trump talked about the ‘Silence of the Lambs’ character Hannibal Lecter and said he was a ‘wonderful man.’ First of all, Hannibal Lecter isn’t real. He’s a character played by Anthony Hopkins, a wonderful man who is real. Second, the character Hannibal is not a wonderful man, he’s a cannibal who murdered a bunch of people. And third, please tell me this is not your VP announcement.” — SETH MEYERS“What is going on? I’m no political expert, but maybe don’t keep saying, ‘the late, great Hannibal Lecter.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Oh, I love ‘Silence of the Lamb.’ It’s one of my favorite movies right up there with ‘Star War,’ “Dance with Wolf’ and ‘Jaw.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“‘Late great’? In none of the stories does Hannibal Lecter die, and Sir Anthony Hopkins is very much still alive. Does Trump just think a character dies when he turns off the T.V.?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingSnoop Dogg and Jimmy Fallon wore matching American tracksuits on Monday to celebrate the upcoming Paris Olympics.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe “All Fours” author Miranda July will appear on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutIn “Appropriate,” Sarah Paulson aims to present “a fully realized person up there that you can have some connectivity to.”Matthew Leifheit for The New York TimesThe actress Sarah Paulson received a Tony Award nomination for her return to Broadway in “Appropriate.” More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Recaps Stormy Daniels’s Testimony in Court

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      “Team Trump spent much of the day trying to paint Daniels as a sleazy, money-grubbing liar, which, if that is true, you can see why they hit it off,” Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Quite a dayOn Thursday, former President Donald Trump’s defense attorneys concluded their cross-examination of Stormy Daniels.“And I’ll tell you, it was quite a day to be a stenographer. These are actual phrases that were used in court today: ‘Human toilet,’ ‘Orange turd’ and ‘Make America horny again.’ And print those out and hang them on the Smithsonian wall.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Team Trump spent much of the day trying to paint Daniels as a sleazy, money-grubbing liar, which, if that is true, you can see why they hit it off.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“During her cross-examination today, one of Trump’s lawyers asked Stormy Daniels, ‘You made all this up, right?’ A strategy that immediately backfired when Trump yelled, ‘No, she didn’t! We had sex!’” — SETH MEYERS“Today, former President Trump’s attorneys finished their cross-examination of Stormy Daniels, and they accused her of lying and hawking merchandise for personal gain. Trump was like, ‘This also feels like a shot at me, too.’” — JIMMY FALLON“[imitating Trump] And for more on why it’s so wrong to be a sleazy money-grubbing merch seller, please buy my God Bless America Donald Trump Bible.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Heated and Intense Edition)“Today’s cross-examination was described as ‘heated’ and ‘intense,’ which coincidentally are the only two settings on Trump’s tanning bed.” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump was like, ‘If you think that’s bad, you should see the texts I’m getting from Melania.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Former President Trump appeared to briefly fall asleep in court again this morning during adult film star Stormy Daniels’s testimony. Because in real life, you can’t fast-forward the scenes where the actors are talking.” — SETH MEYERS“But this was not her first rodeo, and they would have known that if they would have seen her movie, ‘My Third Rodeo.’ Very good. It’s part of a series.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJohn Della Volpe, the polling director at the Harvard Institute of Politics, sat down with Jon Stewart to discuss his new book “Fight: How Gen Z is Channeling Their Fear and Passion to Save America” on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutCass Elliot performing on her television special “Don’t Call Me Mama Anymore” in September 1973. After she went solo, she found it hard to shake her nickname.CBS Photo Archive, via Getty ImagesFor 50 years, singer Cass Elliott’s talent has been overshadowed by a hurtful rumor about her death. More

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      Jon Stewart Slams the Media for Coverage of Trump Trial

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      “Are you trying to make this O.J.? It’s not a chase — he’s commuting,” Stewart said on Monday’s “Daily Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Media CircusOpening arguments began in former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial on Monday, with much of the news media coverage homing in on as many details as possible about the proceedings.Jon Stewart called the trial a “test of the fairness of the American legal system, but it’s also a test of the media’s ability to cover Donald Trump in a responsible way.”“Perhaps if we limit the coverage to the issues at hand and try not to create an all-encompassing spectacle of the most banal of details, perhaps that would help.” — JON STEWART“He arrived at the intersection of American history, where he put a quarter in the parking meter of destiny, leaving the car, looking to avoid stepping in the urine puddle of jurisprudence.” — JON STEWART, mocking the media’s coverage of Trump’s arrival in court“Seriously, are we going to follow this guy to court every [expletive] day? Are you trying to make this O.J.? It’s not a chase — he’s commuting.” — JON STEWART“At this point, you’re probably saying to yourself, ‘How many television hours have they devoted to what Donald Trump, a man who has not been off any of our screens for more than 30 seconds in the last eight years, looks like?’ The answer is not nearly as many hours as describing his every movement.” — JON STEWART“Look, at some point in this trial, something important and revelatory is going to happen, but none of us are going to notice because of the hours spent on his speculative facial tics. If the media tries to make us feel like the most mundane [expletive] is earth-shattering, we won’t believe you when it’s really interesting. It’s your classic ‘Boy Who Cried Wolf Blitzer.’” — JON STEWART“Look, we’ve got a long ways to go here. It’s the first day of the first of his 438 trials to come. Pace yourselves, and if you’re bored, you can always start planning how you’re going to [expletive] up covering his next trial and the sober mea culpa you’ll deliver during his next term as president.” — JON STEWARTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Insano Edition)“The city that never sleeps versus the defendant who keeps nodding off during the trial.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“As he should. I mean, he’s been up since 2 a.m. rage tweeting. He needs his anger sleep.” — JON STEWART“Just when you think the insano-meter has topped out, Donald Trump adds farting to his list of atrocities.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, we don’t know for sure that Trump was the one farting in court, so it would not be right for me to state that he was. So, I cannot in good conscience report that Trump was pumping gas like a Barstow Texaco, but I can report, to borrow a phrase that he likes to use when spreading rumors, ‘Many people were saying Trump was farting in court.’” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Savors Day One of the Trump Trial

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      After the ex-president seemed to fall asleep in court, Jimmy Kimmel said it was “nice to see even Donald Trump is exhausted by Donald Trump.” Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Dozo the Clown’Donald Trump’s trial kicked off with jury selection in New York on Monday.“The trial began at 10 a.m. with the court clerk announcing, ‘The People of the State of New York vs. Donald J. Trump,’ followed by 15 minutes of thunderous applause,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday.“‘The People of the State of New York?’ That’s us!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The trial is expected to last six weeks — or until the courtroom sketch artist runs out of orange, whichever comes first.” — JIMMY KIMMELLate night hosts were amused by the reports of Trump nodding off during the proceedings.“Imagine committing so many crimes you get bored at your own trial.” — JON STEWART“If Biden is Sleepy Joe, I guess that makes you Dozo the Clown.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Imagine if Joe Biden fell asleep in the court on the first day of his trial. Trump would be calling him ‘Comatose Joe.’ Fox News would be talking about this until Christmas. But not old Donny Nappleseed.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Multiple reports said Trump’s head drooped until his chin hit his chest, which, I don’t know, maybe he was just following the price of his Truth Social stock. Either way, it’s nice to see even Donald Trump is exhausted by Donald Trump.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (‘Gettysburg: Wow’ Edition)“This weekend, our former president and illustrious historian Donald J. Trump spoke near one of America’s most hallowed battlefields, and if you thought Lincoln consecrated Gettysburg with his soaring rhetoric, well, buckle up.” — JON STEWART“You have to hand it to this guy: On the weekend before his unprecedented criminal trial begins, he somehow manages to overshadow it with this broken-brained interpretation of what happened at Gettysburg during the Civil War.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That is plagiarized almost directly from my seventh-grade book report, ‘Gettysburg: Wow.’” — JON STEWART“What a stirring orator. I look forward to Ken Burns’s updated documentary.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He always sounds like a kid who forgot he had an oral report due on that day.” — JIMMY KIMMEL”Get that man on ‘Drunk History,’ will you?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe author Salman Rushdie talked to Colbert about his memoir, “Knife,” which recounts the attempt on his life in 2022.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightOn Tuesday’s “Daily Show,” Mayan Lopez will discuss working with her father, George, on Season 2 of their NBC sitcom, “Lopez vs. Lopez.”Also, Check This OutA tour of historically Black colleges and universities by the cast of “A Different World” includes, clockwise from top left, Kadeem Hardison, Cree Summer, Charnele Brown, Darryl M. Bell, Dawnn Lewis and Glynn Turman.Schaun Champion for The New York TimesFormer cast members from the sitcom “A Different World” have reunited in support of historically Black universities. More

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      Seth Meyers Slams Trump’s $50 Million Fund-raiser

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      Meyers said the dinner menu at a Palm Beach campaign event for Donald Trump “had so many foreign words, I’m surprised he didn’t have it deported.” Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Not One to Exaggerate’Donald Trump made an appearance at a campaign fund-raiser held by a billionaire donor, John Paulson, in his Palm Beach home on Saturday. The Trump campaign said it raised more than $50 million.The former first lady Melania Trump was also in attendance, where, Seth Meyers joked, “she finally got to meet an actual billionaire.”“And just to give you an idea of how elite this fund-raiser was, check out the food they served: ‘The evening’s menu included an endive and frisée salad, filet au poivre, and pavlova with fresh berries for dessert.’ That menu had so many foreign words, I’m surprised he didn’t have it deported.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump claims he raked in $50 million Saturday night, which seems high, but he’s not one to exaggerate.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“While speaking at his Palm Beach fund-raiser over the weekend, former President Trump complained that immigrants aren’t coming to the U.S. from ‘nice’ countries like Denmark, Switzerland or Norway. And then, at the end, added, ‘Oh, Slovenia!’” — SETH MEYERS“Maybe because people don’t tend to flee one of the happiest countries on Earth.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Whenever Trump says ‘nice,’ he means ‘white.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Eclipse Edition)“The sun and the moon did the thing that everyone’s been saying they were going to do for centuries now. The path got totalitied, and now both planets will go back to years of ignoring each other before they inevitably hook up again. Textbook toxic relationship.” — JON STEWART“It was quite a sight, and if you’re excited about the eclipse and the sky turning totally black, wait ’til you hear about nighttime.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, all the news stations had nonstop coverage, but I think CNN messed up by not having Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper count down to the blackout while getting blacked out.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, this is the day you don’t look directly at the sun. Or as one guy put it, [imitating Trump] ‘It’s very easy to do.’” — JIMMY FALLON“And if you missed the eclipse, don’t worry; there are currently two billion videos of it on Instagram.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJon Stewart laid into American leaders for continuing to support Israel on Monday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightConan O’Brien, who had a brief stint as the “Tonight Show” host almost 15 years ago, will return as a guest on Tuesday.Also, Check This OutThe final episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” found Larry David on trial.John Johnson/HBOThe series finale of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” found Larry David in familiar territory. More

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      Late Night Takes Stock of Donald Trump’s Tanking Media Company

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      Jimmy Fallon joked that “Truth Social stock tanked so fast, they’re changing the name to Twitter.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trump’s Stock SinksShares of Trump Media & Technology Group, the owner of Truth Social, tanked on Monday. That cut the value of Donald Trump’s majority share to about $3.7 billion, down from its peak of $6 billion last week.“Yeah, Truth Social stock tanked so fast, they’re changing the name to Twitter,” Jimmy Fallon joked.“When he heard another one of his businesses was tanking, Trump was, like, ‘[imitating Trump] They blow up so fast.’” — JIMMY FALLON“As a result of the stock tanking, Trump’s net worth dropped $2 billion. Trump’s so panicked, he’s now selling copies of the Torah.” — JIMMY FALLON“How could that be? They have such a solid business model: Old rapist yells at Easter.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“What a shock that the stock price of a company with no profits or success of any kind is falling. The way things are going, Trump is going to have to start selling a deluxe Bible with a dictionary attached.” — SETH MEYERS“He posted 70 times on Easter — what’s in the baskets at the Trump family Easter egg hunt, Cadbury meth eggs?” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Easter Egg Roll Edition)“The White House hosted the 144th annual Easter egg roll today, and about 40,000 people were expected to participate. Forty thousand! But, then again, where else can you get free eggs?” — SETH MEYERS“Forty thousand, or as the hands that laid those eggs put it, ‘An entire generation lost, and for what?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s the one day of the year where Joe Biden says, ‘You kids get on my lawn!’ And he did.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Biden came out and said, ‘Look, I know I’m mentally stable, but everyone else can see this six-foot bunny next to me, right?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Then the president handed out baskets filled with his two favorite Easter treats, rhubarb and Polident, and a good time was had by all.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Donald Trump also had a beautiful Easter message. April fools!” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJon Stewart explored the promise of A.I. on Monday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightJames Cordon will return to late night, this time as a guest, on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“She wanted more from life, and, ultimately, life lost interest in her,” the director Rachel Chavkin said of the painter Tamara de Lempicka, whose artistic reputation remains mixed.Bettmann via, Getty ImagesA new biographical musical about the unsung artist Tamara de Lempicka opens on April 14. More

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      Late Night Doesn’t Think Trump’s Good News Is All That Good

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      “It’s the first time someone’s ever heard, ‘Good news, you only owe $175 million,’” Jimmy Fallon said after the ex-president’s bond was reduced.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The $175 Million LifelineOn Monday, a New York appeals court reduced Donald Trump’s bond in his civil fraud case — originally set at $454 million — to a mere $175 million. He has 10 days to come up with it.“It’s the first time someone’s ever heard, ‘Good news, you only owe $175 million,’” Jimmy Fallon said.“After his lawyers argued last week that he did not have the money for the $454 million bond in his civil fraud case, former President Trump posted in all caps on Truth Social, ‘I currently have almost $500 million in cash.’ Dude, they’re trying to help you. That’s like if O.J. tweeted, ‘The glove fits great.’” — SETH MEYERS“He’s not a real rich guy; he just plays one on TV. Donald Trump has a billion dollars the same way Patrick Stewart has a spaceship.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Having 10 days to come up with $175 million doesn’t sound like good news; it sounds like the plot to a Jason Statham movie.” — JIMMY FALLON“In addition to cutting the bond by more than half and giving him an extension, the appeals court paused restrictions on Trump running any New York company or obtaining a loan from a New York bank, as well as the restrictions on his adult sons, which means now Don Jr. and Eric can still open their hot dog and cocaine cart.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Golf Edition)“Now, with all this going on, yesterday Donald Trump kept laser-focused on what’s most important to this struggling nation: golf.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yesterday, he posted online about winning his own golf tournament. After winning, he was honored to receive a congratulatory phone call from himself.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, woke libs! You think Donald Trump’s a loser? Well, would a loser brag about winning a golf tournament at his own course? I don’t think so!” — JON STEWART“Although, obviously, Trump has an advantage playing golf: It’s difficult for his opponents to stay focused when they spend all that time staring at that ass.” — JON STEWART“He truthed, ‘It is my great honor to be at Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach tonight, Awards Night, to receive the club championship trophy and the senior club championship trophy. I won both!’ Wow, he won both. You know what that means: Somebody else won both.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe blues and rock musician Gary Clark Jr. performed his song “Habits” on Monday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe comedy legend Carol Burnett will appear on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutThe author Judith Butler ponders how gender became a scary topic in her latest book.Thirty-four years and 15 books after “Gender Trouble,” the theorist Judith Butler returns to familiar terrain with “Who’s Afraid of Gender?” More