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      Stephen Colbert Goes Live After Thursday’s Jan. 6 Hearing

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      “Yes, he is a stain on our history, and thanks to these hearings, we know that stain is ketchup,” Stephen Colbert said of Donald Trump.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Insurrection Will Be TelevisedThe lengthy Jan. 6 hearing on Thursday night highlighted former President Donald Trump’s lack of attempts to stop the insurrection on the Capitol, instead choosing to watch Fox News in the White House dining room.“He chose not to act. Same review he got for ‘Home Alone 2,’” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday’s live edition of “Late Night.”“He did not call them from a box. He did not call while watching Fox. He did not help out Uncle Sam. His brain is made of eggs and ham. But, in his defense, it is possible he forgot the number for 9-1-1.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on news that Trump didn’t reach out to any security officials on Jan. 6“Yes, he is a stain on our history — and thanks to these hearings, we know that stain is ketchup.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, referring to Representative Adam Kinzinger’s referring to Trump’s inaction as “a stain” on our history“So, all in all, it was a long night — almost three hours — but it wasn’t nearly as long as the 187 minutes where the former president did nothing to stop an ongoing insurrection that he created and then watched it all in glee as it played out on TV. Let’s just hope some of his followers were watching this tonight.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (‘Positive’ News for Biden Edition)“The White House announced that President Biden has a mild case of Covid. On the bright side, it’s the first positive news Biden’s gotten in months.” — JIMMY FALLON“Now of course, the big story today is that President Biden tested positive for Covid, but according to the White House, Biden is feeling pretty good for a 300-year-old man.” — RUPAUL, guest host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live”“President Biden tested positive today for the coronavirus. Luckily, we’ve all been keeping our distance.” — SETH MEYERS“Joe said his symptoms are mild, and he’ll be back to falling off his bike in no time.” — RUPAUL“Get well soon, sir. You made it through the Spanish flu; you can make it through this.” — TREVOR NOAH“Biden hasn’t been this sick since the time he got scurvy on Noah’s Ark.” — RUPAUL“That’s right, Covid isn’t going to slow Joe Biden down because he can’t get any slower.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon announced his book club’s latest selection on Thursday’s “Tonight Show”: “Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow,” by Gabrielle Zevin.Also, Check This OutFrom left, Daniel Kaluuya, Keke Palmer and Brandon Perea in “Nope,” the latest feature from the director Jordan Peele.Universal PicturesJordan Peele’s “Nope” stars Daniel Kaluuya and Keke Palmer as brother-and-sister horse wranglers defending the family ranch from an extraterrestrial threat. More

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      Stephen Colbert Skewers Steve Bannon

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      “Finally, Bannon can tell the former president’s side of the story,” Colbert said on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Losing PrivilegesThe criminal trial against Steve Bannon began on Tuesday, when prosecutors presented evidence that Donald Trump’s former aide never had the executive privilege he claimed kept him from complying with the investigation into the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol.“I mean, wow, he really hung Bannon out to dry,” Stephen Colbert said of Trump on Tuesday. “Which isn’t easy, because he excretes a thick layer of sebum.”“Finally, Bannon can tell the former president’s side of the story. [Imitating Bannon] ‘Mr. Chairman, this is all a simple misunderstanding. The president didn’t mean to grab the steering wheel from the Secret Service — he just thought it was a big black doughnut!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (How Hot Is It? Edition)“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it is hot. It is hot! Not just here in the U.S., but there are record-high temperatures all across the world. Seriously, it’s so hot, people on TikTok were slapping each other with tortillas just for the breeze.” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s so hot right now, the fantasy suite on ‘The Bachelorette’ is just the back of an ice cream truck.” — JIMMY FALLON“It is so hot, people are ordering Chipotle just so the E. coli can give them the chills.” — JIMMY FALLON“The heat’s hitting the Brits extra hard, because the Brits aren’t used to extreme weather, and the houses over there — especially older ones — were built to retain warmth. Now luckily, Brits can keep cool with their light and refreshing cuisine of potted organ meat, battered fish and room-temperature beer.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Remember when you wished that everybody who denied climate change would go to hell? Unfortunately, hell came to us.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingGregory Robinson of NASA sat down with Trevor Noah to share insights on what the James Webb telescope can tell us about the universe.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightKerry Washington will guest host Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutDesus Nice, left, and the Kid Mero. Their late-night talk show upended many conventions of the format with a freewheeling approach that could elicit candid, personal insights from celebrities and politicians.Joel Barhamand for The New York Times“Desus & Mero” has ended its Showtime run as the hosts pursue “separate creative endeavors.” More

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      Trevor Noah Mocks Joe Biden for That Fist Bump

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      Noah called the president’s choice how to greet Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia “the whitest decision of all time.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.KnuckleheadsPresident Biden’s fist bump with Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia raised eyebrows over the weekend. On Monday’s “Daily Show,” Trevor Noah had a lot of opinions about that moment.“America obsesses about these things: ‘No, don’t look too friendly.’ It’s also funny how President Biden thought it would be better to fist bump Mohammed bin Salman because that seems less friendly than a handshake. That’s the whitest decision of all time.” — TREVOR NOAH“You know what Biden should have done if he didn’t want controversy in this? He should have gone in for the handshake and then given him the ‘Psych!’” — TREVOR NOAH“You know what I really think happened? I think Joe Biden’s team briefed him and they were like, ‘Mr. President, in Saudi Arabia, if you make them mad, and you have, they will chop off your hand. So hide your finger, get in, quick, in and out, in and out. Godspeed, Mr. President.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Bennifer Again-if-er Edition)“That’s right, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez reportedly got married over the weekend. Because right now, that’s the only way a Red Sox fan can get a win in the Bronx.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, they got married at a drive-through chapel. You know inflation is bad when even those two are, like, ‘Let’s just do it in Vegas.’” — JIMMY FALLON“The guy who married them was, like, ‘Wow, you two are the best Ben and J. Lo impersonators I’ve ever seen — you’re really good.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Love is real! If they can make it work, there’s hope for every attractive millionaire celebrity couple with a skin-care line.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And as I’m sure you know, the two were engaged years ago, but now they’ve made it official. It’s Bennifer again-i-fer! Or, as I prefer, ‘Jennifer 2: Jen-flecktric Boogaffleck.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingDana Carvey, the guest host on “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” brought his famous “Church Lady” impression from “Saturday Night Live” to Monday’s monologue.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightCourtney Barnett, the Australian indie rock artist, will perform on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutJoel Kim Booster in his Netflix special “Psychosexual.”Terence Patrick/NetflixSome seasoned stand-ups — Joel Kim Booster, Nikki Glaser, Bill Burr, Fahim Anwar and Cristela Alonzo — have stellar new comedy specials available for streaming this summer. More

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      Stephen Colbert Reflects on This Year in the Supreme Court

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      Colbert referred to the court’s year of bold rulings as “a real roller-coaster ride, in that I am nauseous and scared we’re all going to die.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Environmental HazardThe Supreme Court held the last session of its term on Thursday and announced yet another controversial decision. This time, the court ruled to limit the Environmental Protection Agency’s ability to regulate carbon emissions from power plants.Stephen Colbert referred to the court’s year of bold calls as “a real roller-coaster ride, in that I am nauseous and scared we’re all going to die.”“Today was the final day of the Supreme Court’s current term and I gotta say, thank god. This must be how the Jets feel when halftime finally arrives: [imitating a Jets player] ‘Well, at least we get 15 minutes when they can’t kick our [expletive]!’” — SETH MEYERS“What are you thinking, Supreme Court? It’s the Environmental Protection Agency — if they can’t limit the emissions, then the agency can’t protect the environment. They’re going to have to change what the ‘P’ stands for — maybe ‘Environmental Punch-Dolphins-in-the-Taint Agency.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“With these maniacs in charge, our only hope is that the smokestacks put on a condom.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency does not have the authority to protect the environment? So what is their job now?”— TREVOR NOAH“And by the way, by the way, just so you understand, this ruling might not just be about the carbon emissions. A lot of experts believe the logic of today’s ruling makes it harder for the government to regulate anything unless Congress specifically passes a law to do it. Because you see, right now, a lot of regulations are made by agencies, like — like the F.D.A. They will handle food, you know? The C.D.C. with public health; the B.R.B., with ignoring text messages.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, Justice Jackson made history as the first Black woman on the Supreme Court, and the first person to make people cheer for the Supreme Court in the past two weeks.” — JIMMY FALLON“Ketanji Brown Jackson was sworn in today as the Supreme Court’s 116th justice — and then Clarence Thomas dissented against that, too.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Vasectomy Edition)“With contraception in the judicial cross hairs, folks are taking their genitals into their own hands, with men rushing to get vasectomies — and then very slowly walking home from them.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I’ve never personally performed a vasectomy, but I’d like to try my very first one on Samuel Alito.” — CHELSEA HANDLER“Following the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, urologists have reportedly seen an uptick in requests for vasectomies. And this is weird — from women: [imitating woman] ‘His name is Dave — I’ll bring him in.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden tried his hand at being the president’s assistant on Thursday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutOur list of 12 books to read in July includes a tender coming-of-age memoir by Isaac Fitzgerald, a biography of Vladimir V. Putin and novels from Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Bolu Babalola and Daniel Nieh. More

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      Chelsea Handler Chides the Supreme Court

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      “At this point I’d probably have more rights if my vagina was an AR-15,” Handler mused on Monday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Speaking From ExperienceChelsea Handler kicked off four nights of guest hosting “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Monday night, saying, “I will be here all week long, or at least until Republicans make it illegal for women to talk.”“Jimmy is off right now doing whatever the [expletive] he wants with his body.” — CHELSEA HANDLERHandler dedicated her monologue to the Supreme Court’s Friday decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.“Remember like five days ago when Fox News told us the biggest threat facing America was drag queens? That was cute.” — CHELSEA HANDLER“At this point I’d probably have more rights if my vagina was an AR-15.” — CHELSEA HANDLER“And by the way, I’m speaking from experience on all of this as someone who had three abortions in high school. And if that sounds too extreme, let’s pretend I had two. Because here’s the thing: This planet is a much safer place without me polluting it with my children. I’m responsible enough to know that we don’t need any more pothead molly-loving alcoholics running around topless.” — CHELSEA HANDLER“Not only has this decision further divided our country, most families now have two separate group texts going: one with relatives who support the rights of women and one with the relatives who live in Florida.” — CHELSEA HANDLERThe Punchiest Punchlines (Supreme Court Edition)“Everyone is talking about the Supreme Court after they made some pretty major decisions over the last few days, and let me just sum it up for you: They basically said whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something.” — JIMMY FALLON“So, reproductive rights in America lasted for less time than ‘The Young and the Restless.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“People just want things done. No one cares about Kente cloth or singing on the Capitol steps and especially not poetry, all right? I feel like any moment now Chuck Schumer is going to throw on a fake pregnant belly, and just take a knee in the Capitol and be like ‘We are all pregnant now and we’re standing together.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth Watching“The Daily Show” correspondent Michael Kosta investigated vasectomies on Monday’s show.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightRepresentative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will appear on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutAnnie Hardy, left, and Angela Enohoro in “Dashcam.”Blumhouse ProductionsThis month’s picks for five new horror films available to stream now are scary, but not too scary. More

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      Trevor Noah Has Gun Law Ideas for New York

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      Noah says the state should propose new restrictions where “anyone can buy a gun if they want, but the gun stores are only open on the nights that the Knicks win.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.And You Get a Gun! And You Get a Gun!The U.S. Supreme Court issued a major ruling on Thursday, striking down a New York State gun law that allowed residents a conceal and carry permit only if they demonstrated a special need.Trevor Noah said the ruling “makes complete sense — because that would be making the militia well regulated, and I mean, you can’t do that, you know? It’s not like it’s written anywhere.”“You can see where this is going. This Supreme Court is feeling themselves, huh? Because you realize they finally have all the justices they need to do anything they want. It’s like Amy Coney Barrett was the last infinity stone that they needed. Yeah, they put it in, and now they’re just snapping away at all the laws. It’s like voting rights, gun control, Miranda rights, abortion. I love this song, yeah!” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, I don’t know about you guys, whenever I’ve been sitting in rush-hour traffic in New York with drivers screaming at each other and bikers cussing out the drivers and pedestrians wailing at the bikers and the drivers, the one thing I always think is, ‘Man, one thing that would calm this down is if everyone had a gun right now. Just a Glock or two would really chill the situation out.’” — TREVOR NOAH“So this is obviously a big setback for gun safety. But if you ask me, New York just needs to get creative. Yeah, they need to think outside of the box, the same way that Texas did, right? Look at what Texas did with banning abortion — they weren’t allowed to ban it, so they just made a crazy new law that basically banned it anyway. That’s what New York needs to do with guns. Like, yeah, they should say, ‘OK, anyone can buy a gun if they want, but the gun stores are only open on the nights that the Knicks win.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Gun Show Edition)“The Supreme Court today issued several rulings, including one that overturns a New York State gun law restricting concealed weapons. So move over, tourists! Seriously, move over, ’cuz you’re gonna get shot.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, the Supreme Court overturned a New York law — a New York State gun law restricting concealed weapons. ’Cuz you know how sometimes you’ll be on the F train in August and there’s no A.C. and then it stops in the middle of the tunnel and the conductor doesn’t announce anything and you think to yourself, ‘Man, I wish we all had guns.’” — SETH MEYERS“Basically, New York had a law for the past 100 years that said if you want to just carry a gun around with you wherever you go, you need to prove that you have a specific reason you need that gun, you know, for your protection. You have to go to the police, you have to tell them, explain the whole thing. Maybe someone is making threats against you, or maybe you’re Liam Neeson’s daughter and people keep trying to kidnap you, even though it seems like it would be way easier to kidnap someone else’s daughter at this point.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee shot this week’s “Full Frontal” while she had Covid, saying the news of a potential abortion ban was important enough to power through.Also, Check This OutAustin Butler as Elvis Presley in “Elvis,” directed by Baz Luhrmann. The soundtrack shakes up the expected playlist, and offers the strongest argument for Presley’s relevance.Warner Bros.Austin Butler plays Elvis Presley in Baz Luhrmann’s operatic, chaotic anti-biopic, “Elvis.” More

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      Stephen Colbert Taunts Ron Johnson for Faking It

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      Colbert said that the Wisconsin senator tried to avoid talking to reporters after Tuesday’s Jan. 6 hearing, “but like most things, he’s not very good at that.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bad FakeTuesday’s Jan. 6 hearings presented evidence suggesting that Senator Ron Johnson sought to hand-deliver fake elector votes from Michigan and his home state of Wisconsin to then-Vice President Mike Pence. Johnson acknowledged receiving the package but claimed he had no idea where it came from or what it contained.“It could have been anything in that envelope — he doesn’t care. Fake electors, angry bees, naked pictures of Mary Todd Lincoln. It don’t matter to Ron — he’s just a delivery boy,” Stephen Colbert joked on Wednesday.“You know those announcements in the airport when they say, ‘Do not carry onto the flight a package for someone you don’t know’? I’ve always wondered who those announcements are for. Turns out, it’s Ron Johnson.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“During yesterday’s hearing on the Capitol attack, committee members showed texts that indicated Republican Senator Ron Johnson wanted to hand-deliver a list of fake electors for then-Vice President Mike Pence to introduce on Jan. 6. You sent that over text? How do you send bribes — Venmo?” — SETH MEYERS“When this came out, Johnson tried to avoid talking to reporters, but like most things, he’s not very good at that.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Everyone knows you put the phone on the same side as the reporter — that’s scam artistry 101.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Farewell to Juul Edition)“Finally, if you are one of those people who regularly likes to vape, first of all, congratulations on being basic, and second of all, you might want to stock up because your supply is about to run out.” — TREVOR NOAH“The F.D.A. just announced that they are banning all Juul e-cigarettes in the U.S. Yeah, no more Juul. No more Juul. That will explain tomorrow when you see a bunch of your co-workers sucking on a Glade plug-in.” — JIMMY FALLON“But this is a big move by the F.D.A., because you realize Juul is the iconic vaping brand. So by them doing this, it is like going after soda by banning Coke, or going after coke by banning Don Jr.” — TREVOR NOAH“It’s a big deal because if they also ban fedoras, your old college roommate is going to have a nervous breakdown.” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s a tough day for everyone who loves ingesting chemicals, you know what I’m saying? Can’t even huff gas anymore — it’s too expensive.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingOn “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” the guest host, Sean Hayes, revealed he was an original cast member of the hit Netflix show “Ozark” and shared scenes from the cutting-room floor.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightEvan Rachel Wood will appear on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutFrom left: Naomi McPherson, Josette Maskin and Katie Gavin of Muna. The band’s third album, “Muna,” moves in more pop-influenced directions.Tonje Thilesen for The New York TimesThe Indie-pop group Muna is back with a self-titled third album and a new label boss: Phoebe Bridgers. More

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      Late Night Delves Into Day 3 of the Jan. 6 Hearings

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      Trevor Noah joked that Donald Trump “lives his entire life as if he is the bad kid in one of those antismoking P.S.A.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Peer Pressuring Mike PenceThe Jan. 6 committee hearings continued on Thursday, focusing largely on Donald Trump’s attempts to persuade Mike Pence to overturn the election.Trevor Noah joked that such peer pressure was on brand for Trump, who “lives his entire life as if he’s the bad kid in one of those antismoking P.S.A.”“Like, [imitating Trump] ‘Come on, Mike, just try overturning the election. I thought you wanted to be cool.’ Also, by the way, if there is one person who you can’t entice with cool, it’s Mike Pence. He’s the least cool man in the world. The man won’t even watch the Teletubbies because they don’t wear pants.” — TREVOR NOAH“Trump and Pence have reportedly not spoken since last summer. I guess they haven’t really been hanging since the attempted hanging.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And this is what we learned: All the lawyers knew that overturning the election was a crime. They all told each other that they knew it was a crime. They all told everybody in the White House it was a crime, including the president. They told him, ‘Sir, it’s a crime’ and he said, ‘Thank you for clearing that up. Now, let’s go do that crime.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Some of the crimes — some of the crimes described today were procedural and constitutional — a little light sedition among friends. Some of them were more straightforward, like, what’s the word? Trying to murder Mike Pence.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Covid Finally Caught Up to Fauci Edition)“Dr. Anthony Fauci tested positive yesterday for a breakthrough case of the coronavirus. Wow, Fauci is like Covid’s final boss. This is — this is like hearing that the coyote caught the roadrunner.” — SETH MEYERS“Also, you caught it now? You made it through all that time in the maskless Trump White House and you caught it now? That’s like running a triathlon with no problems and then throwing your back out petting a dog.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, Dr. Fauci has Covid, which feels a little like finding out Smokey Bear got trapped in a forest fire.” — TREVOR NOAH“I will say though, what a big moment for Covid as well, huh? To finally infect Dr. Anthony Fauci? I bet Covid was really star-struck when it got in his body.” — TREVOR NOAH“And you know the saddest part, Dr. Fauci, and yes I’m talking to you, Dr. Fauci, I know you watch the show, is the fact that you didn’t come to the White House Correspondents Dinner, yeah. The president was there, Kim Kardashian was there, but you didn’t come because you said you didn’t want to catch Covid and then you caught Covid anyway. Yeah, probably from some boring government meeting.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingTom Hanks and Stephen Colbert posed as TikTok dads delivering a lecture on social media use.Also, Check This OutDaryl McCormack and Emma Thompson in “Good Luck to You, Leo Grande.”Searchlight PicturesThe accomplished actress Emma Thompson bares all in her new movie, “Good Luck to You, Leo Grande.” More