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      Stephen Colbert Details Tidbits From a Forthcoming Trump Book

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      “The real presidency is the rich friends we made along the way,” Colbert said in response to Trump’s remark that he has “so many rich friends, and nobody knows who they are.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Ask No Questions, Hear No LiesIn her new book, “Confidence Man: The Making of Donald Trump and the Breaking of America,” Maggie Haberman, a reporter for The New York Times, writes about the end of Trump’s presidency.On Monday night, Stephen Colbert detailed some tidbits from the forthcoming tell-all, including the former president’s denial that he was watching television on Jan. 6 as rioters stormed the Capitol.“Really? Really? You’re accused of inciting an angry mob to storm the Capitol to prevent the peaceful transfer of power for the first in our nation’s history, and that’s the part of the testimony you’re taking issue with?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The former president also said other things to Haberman, including this anecdote about running for president: ‘The question I get asked more than any other question: If you had it to do again, would you have done it?’ OK, that’s clearly a lie. The question he gets asked more than any other is ‘Do you want fries with that?’ The answer is yes.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He continued: ‘The answer is, yeah, I think so. Because here’s the way I look at it — I have so many rich friends, and nobody knows who they are.’ Yep, the real presidency is the rich friends we made along the way.” — STEPHEN COLBERT[Imitating Trump] “A lot of times I’m asked what’s the main question I get asked is. That’s a good question. Well, I tend to ask myself the thing people are asking the most, which is ‘What question which gets questioned of me gets asked of me by me.’ Any questions?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Father Figure Edition)“Hold on — I’ve felt a great disturbance in the force, because we just learned that James Earl Jones is retiring from the role of Darth Vader in ‘Star Wars.’ He will now be playing Baby Yoda.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You see? The Little Mermaid becomes Black and they take away James Earl Jones! I told you there would be backlash! I told you!” — TREVOR NOAH“Instead of trying to find someone else to voice the part, Disney has said they are gonna use artificial intelligence to replicate Darth Vader’s voice. Yeah, I don’t know, people, this makes me a little nervous. Yeah, we think A.I. is going to take over the world, and now we’re going to teach it to use the dark side of the force? No one thinks this is a bad idea?” — TREVOR NOAH“That voice is iconic. It belongs in Darth Vader’s body — or announcing CNN promos — but that’s it.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon announced his new bilingual children’s book, “Con Pollo,” co-written with Jennifer Lopez, on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightDavid Letterman will pop by Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutAndres sketching a piece.Elliott Jerome Brown Jr. for The New York TimesPaintings by Andres Valencia, a 10-year-old fifth grader, have sold for more than $125,000. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Jeers at Trump for Claiming to Declassify Documents With His Mind

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      “Like Harry Whodummy,” Jimmy Kimmel quipped on Thursday night.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Magical ThinkingIn an interview with Sean Hannity on Wednesday, former President Donald Trump said he could declassify documents with his mind.“Like Harry Whodummy,” Jimmy Kimmel joked in his Thursday night monologue.“He couldn’t even read documents with his brain — how does this happen?” — TREVOR NOAH“If Trump actually had the power to change things just by thinking about them, Don Jr. would have turned into a Big Mac 30 years ago.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I felt like he was this close to using the word ‘abracadabra.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump’s argument is that you can just declassify things in your mind, it’s officially declassified as long as you believe it’s declassified. That’s according to Trump’s newest legal adviser, Tinkerbell.” — SETH MEYERS“So Trump is saying that he declassified these documents just by thinking about it, which I don’t even believe, because that would be the first time in his life that Trump has thought something and not said it out loud. Think about it. This is a man who thought to himself, ‘Ooh, if I wasn’t related to my daughter, I would date her,’ and then he told everyone on TV. He said it out of his mouth!” — TREVOR NOAH“Hannity was like, ‘Oh, I get it, you’re going to plead insanity.’” — JIMMY FALLON“I really hope that ‘I can make things happen with my mind’ is going to be the actual argument at the trial. That would be great: ‘Your Honor, the defendant pleads Jedi.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (But Her Emails Edition)“The F.B.I. came to his house looking for Hillary Clinton’s emails that were deleted, which, how could there even be emails if they were deleted, and how would they get into his house? Did Hillary sneak in after midnight and stuff them under his pillow like the email fairy or something?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So is Trump saying the F.B.I. raided his house to find Hillary’s emails? So they didn’t want the documents he declassified with his mind? No, they wanted the emails he couldn’t find but that he actually had the whole time at his house? Because Donald Trump is Hillary Clinton?” — TREVOR NOAH“That’s so crazy, he confused Sean Hannity — and Sean comes pre-confused.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“At that point, even QAnon people were like, ‘OK, that conspiracy seems a little nuts.’” — JIMMY FALLON“You’ve got to give Trump credit, though. He knows how to say something so crazy that it actually makes the last crazy thing he said seem normal.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingDulcé Sloan challenges New Yorkers on their beliefs about education on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutSinead O’Connor in the documentary “Nothing Compares,” directed by Kathryn Ferguson.Andrew Catlin/SHOWTIMEA new documentary about Sinead O’Connor highlights her career highs and lows as well as her genuinely incomparable voice. More

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      Trevor Noah Feels for Trump as He Sits on the Sidelines

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      Ron DeSantis is stealing the ex-president’s thunder, Noah says — “he’s slowly becoming the Republican Party now.” Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Twice the TrumpFormer President Donald J. Trump is reported to have expressed anger over the attention Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida is getting for sending migrants to Martha’s Vineyard — because Trump claims it was his idea.Trevor Noah said the Republican Party had “two Donald Trumps now.”“Oh man, poor Donald Trump. He is just sitting at home like, ‘You stole my idea! And by the way, stealing stuff is also my idea. Read the news!’” — TREVOR NOAH“Can you imagine being such a despicable creep, you’re mad at someone for being a despicable creep sooner than you? That’s like taking credit for being the first guy to put pineapple on pizza.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But you know what’s really telling here is that, in a way, Trump has a point, all right? He is the guy who came up with the idea of turning all politics into a series of stunts. That is what he did — the Muslim ban, ‘build the wall.’ That [expletive] didn’t solve anything but got the people going, and now pulling stunts has become the driving force of the Republican Party, but Trump is stuck watching out on the sidelines.” — TREVOR NOAH“And I feel bad for you, Mr. Trump. But the fact is, Ron DeSantis, you see what he’s doing — he’s slowly becoming the Republican Party now, stealing your tricks, making it his own.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Just a Phase Edition)“Speaking of America, land that I love, President of America Joe Biden made big news on the ‘60 Minutes’ this weekend when he maybe kind of prematurely declared that the pandemic is over, which marks the first time that Joe Biden has ever moved too fast.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Biden claimed in a new interview that the coronavirus pandemic is over. Easy for him to say — he just had it. Of course it’s over when you’ve got the antibodies: ‘I’m off to Burning Man, then London for the Queen’s funeral. No masks, baby!’” — SETH MEYERS“Lawmakers and public health officials are concerned his comment could undermine the rollout of new booster shots, as well as funding from Congress. The White House says their Covid-19 policy is unchanged, despite Biden’s comments. It’s never a good sign when even the White House is trying to distance itself from the president, is it?” — JAMES CORDEN“Biden’s announcement took the White House by surprise, and they’re now trying to backpedal, saying ‘Sure, the president could have been more nuanced — he was simply saying we’ve hit a different phase.’ OK, saying something is over, kind of a misleading way to declare a new phase.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Late Night” writers Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel took on Black hobbits and lesbian rom-coms for Tuesday night’s “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightOlivia Wilde, the director of “Don’t Worry Darling,” will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutXavier Collin/Image Press Agency and Sipa USA, via AlamyColin Hanks is inspired by tacos, shaving his head and “What We Do in the Shadows.” More

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      Late Night Recaps the Queen’s Funeral

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      “There is no iPhone at the end of that line, all right?” Trevor Noah said of the long lines of mourners on Monday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Fit for a QueenQueen Elizabeth’s funeral took place on Monday, with crowds waiting in line for up to 24 hours to pay their respects.Trevor Noah called the wait “no joke,” saying, “There is no iPhone at the end of that line, all right? It’s just a box and you don’t even get to open the box.”“The line to see the queen’s coffin stretched for miles, similar to what goes on here in America when Popeye’s comes out with a new chicken sandwich.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The procession was lengthy, with King Charles and siblings walking behind the coffin for nearly one and a half hours. That’s not easy. For years, the royal family’s only form of exercise has been walking back statements from Andrew.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And it was a three-mile march from Westminster Abbey to Windsor Castle, also known as the long walk. Yeah, or as Kylie Jenner calls it, ‘Why didn’t they take the jet?’” — TREVOR NOAH“Leaders, dignitaries, and politicians from around the world gathered in London for the funeral of Queen Elizabeth. Meanwhile, Trump showed up at a Burger King and said, ‘Sorry for your loss.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Freddy Krueger Edition)“In an interview yesterday, President Biden said while we still have a problem with the virus, quote, ‘The pandemic is over.’ Yes. Yeah. But I get why Biden said this. I mean, he just had Covid. Everyone — everyone who gets Covid is over Covid.” — TREVOR NOAH“Biden then announced that skinny jeans, neutral tones, and chrome nail polish are also over.” — JAMES CORDEN“He said ‘the pandemic is over,’ which is weirdly not reassuring at all. It’s like saying ‘Freddy Krueger is dead and he’s never coming back!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s kind of huge news to mention so casually, you know? I wasn’t expecting the end of a two-and-a-half-year nightmare to be announced on the floor of the Detroit Auto Show.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon and his “Tonight Show” guest Margot Robbie got blasted in the face with an air cannon for every wrong answer in a guessing game called “Blow Your Mind.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightBilly Eichner will talk about his new movie “Bros” on “The Late Show.”Also, Check This Out“M*A*S*H,” which debuted in September 1972, feels both ancient and current. With Jamie Farr, seated, and, from left, Mike Farrell, David Ogden Stiers, Alan Alda, Loretta Swit, Harry Morgan and William Christopher in a later season.CBS Photo Archive/Getty ImagesAfter 50 years, “M*A*S*H” holds up as a precursor to modern-day comedies that are more than just funny. More

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      Ron DeSantis’s Migrant Stunt Gets Poor Reviews From Late Night

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      The Florida governor claimed credit for sending migrants to Martha’s Vineyard. Trevor Noah accused him of trolling on the taxpayers’ dime.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Florida Man Owns the LibsGov. Ron DeSantis of Florida took credit for sending two planes filled with migrants to Martha’s Vineyard from Texas on Wednesday. His communications director said it was part of a state program to transport undocumented immigrants to so-called sanctuary destinations.“Ron DeSantis is the governor of Florida, so why is he grabbing refugees in Texas and shipping them to Massachusetts, huh? Why? So he can prove that America’s immigration system is broken? Yeah, everyone knows that. But instead of pushing lawmakers to actually reform the system, he’s using taxpayer money to, what, go viral?” — TREVOR NOAH“If you told DeSantis to spend the same amount of money helping these asylum seekers, he’d be like, ‘Oh, we don’t have the funding for that,’ but to troll the Democrats, suddenly he’s like, ‘Put it on my card, yeah!’” — TREVOR NOAH“And by the way, America actually has a history of doing this. In the 1960s, racist organizations in the South shipped Black people up to Northern states to make liberals uncomfortable. But Ron DeSantis obviously doesn’t know about that, because the pages in his history books were torn out in his state.” — TREVOR NOAH“I guess Ron DeSantis doesn’t know about the Statue of Liberty.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Ron DeSantis is that guy you went to high school with who desperately wanted to be prom king but didn’t have any charisma, so instead, he just pulled the fire alarm and ruined the dance for everybody.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yesterday, DeSantis flew two planes of Hispanic immigrants to Martha’s Vineyard. Hey, Ron, if you’re trying to discourage immigration, maybe don’t send people to one of the loveliest parts of New England just in time for leaf-peeping season.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Delays and Cancellations Edition)“A possible national railroad strike was averted today after 20 hours of talks between the union’s leadership and labor negotiators from the railroads — 20 hours of talks that were very annoying to everyone else in the quiet car.” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, the president helped broker a deal that went down to the wire all night long. Biden was like, ‘I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.’” — JIMMY FALLON“There’s no way that there could have been a rail strike under Biden. I mean, he rode a train to work every day for 40 years. That’d be like a tanning bed shortage under Trump, you know what I’m saying?” — JIMMY FALLON“A strike would have meant lots of Amtrak delays and cancellations — and now that the strike has been avoided, there will still be delays and cancellations.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingDavid Blaine involved the entire audience in a freaky magic trick during Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutFrom left, Joyce DiDonato, Kelli O’Hara and Renée Fleming.Ana Cuba and Thea Traff for The New York TimesRenée Fleming, Joyce DiDonato and Kelli O’Hara star in an adaptation of “The Hours” at the Metropolitan Opera in November. More

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      James Corden Pays Tribute to the Queen

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      The British host of “The Late Late Show” called Queen Elizabeth II “a guiding light.” Other hosts went a bit lighter with their commentary.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Long Did She ReignQueen Elizabeth II died on Thursday, after seven decades on the throne. Late night’s British import, James Corden, delivered a joke-free opening segment on “The Late Late Show,” calling the queen “a guiding light; always gracious, always dignified, always a shining example of leadership.”“I, like the rest of the world, am so sad tonight, but also so thankful and grateful to the queen for the most incredible service and leadership she has shown during all of our lifetimes.” — JAMES CORDENThe other hosts went lighter with their commentary on the queen’s lengthy reign.“She was the queen for 70 years, longer than any monarch in British history. To put it in perspective for Americans, this would be like if Kris Jenner died here.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The queen is known as England’s rock. We don’t have a rock. The closest thing we have to a rock in America is The Rock.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But 96 — that’s a pretty good run. I feel like if you die anywhere on the FM radio dial, it’s — you know? My goal is to make it to Hot 97 — or maybe even Power 106, who knows?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“When you think about all the people that the queen has met with over the last 70 years, it’s really remarkable. She’s met with everyone from Lady Bird Johnson to Lady Gaga, from Bill Clinton to Will.i.am. She met J.F.K. and J.Lo. She’s met the Beatles and the Spice Girls. … Then, after all these years, this week she saw Harry Styles spit on Chris Pine and said, ‘OK, I’ve had enough.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“She came to power in 1952. You understand how long that is? That means she’s seen Adam West as Batman, Michael Keaton as Batman, Christian Bale as Batman, Ben Affleck as Batman — survived that — and then Robert Pattinson as Batman. And look, I’m sure there’s a better way to measure time than in Batman, but you get it. She’s been in the game for a minute.”— TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Bannon’s Dirty Deeds Edition)“Former Trump strategist Steve Bannon turned himself in to New York authorities today to face state criminal charges. Well, the good news is, I’m positive this man knows how to make toilet wine.” — SETH MEYERS“He has been charged with multiple felonies, including money laundering, which is definitely the first time in Steve Bannon’s life he’s been accused of doing laundry.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This guy doesn’t look like he has $15. Look at him! Millions of dollars? He looks like he sublets from Oscar the Grouch.” — TREVOR NOAH“When the judge asked Bannon how he pleads, he said ‘grimy.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon and Blake Shelton premiered their new football-season-inspired song “I’ll Bring the Ice” on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutThe real Weird Al Yankovic, left, and his movie double, Daniel Radcliffe. “I hope this confuses a lot of people,” the musician said of their biopic.Sinna Nasseri for The New York TimesWeird Al Yankovic and Daniel Radcliffe formed an unlikely bond on the set of “Weird: The Al Yankovic Story.” More

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      Late Night Returns Just in Time for Trump to Get a Special Master

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      “Once again Donald Trump has exposed a part of America that I’m willing to bet nobody knew existed,” Trevor Noah said. “Nobody!”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Master of NoneAfter a summer full of breaks, guest hosts and repeats, late-night hosts returned to the air on Tuesday, just in time to talk about the documents the F.B.I. found at Mar-a-Lago and the appointment of a special master to review them.Trevor Noah said he’d never heard of a special master before, adding that “once again Donald Trump has exposed a part of America that I’m willing to bet nobody knew existed. Nobody!”“I didn’t even know it was an option. I’ve watched 10 million hours of ‘Law & Order.’ I know about subpoenas, I know about breaking the chain of custody, objection, sustained, overruled, sidebar in my chambers — but not once have I heard the term ‘special master.’ Once again, thanks to Trump, because of his hard work and dedication to doing crimes, we’ve all learned something new today, and I say thank you, Mr. President.” — TREVOR NOAH“Which, I’m not going to lie, when I first heard it, sounded pretty cool. It was like, ‘Donald Trump is getting a special master.’ I was like, ‘He’s about to learn kung fu?’” — TREVOR NOAH“Who the special master will be, we do not know. Maybe they can get Eric to do it. He’s special, right?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, the special master has to review over 11,000 documents, which could delay the investigation. Man, only Trump could avoid jail just because there’s too much evidence.” — JIMMY FALLON“I’ve got to say, ‘special master’ actually sounds kind of kinky. [imitating deep voice] ‘You will address me as special master, and you will submit … your motion to dismiss no later than 3 p.m. Friday. Now beg for my gavel.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Secret Documents Edition)“You know, I’ve been trying to understand how he could possibly believe he had the right to take all those documents to his house. It’s weird that a person who barely reads would even want documents. It’s like finding out your dog collects stamps.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But even more concerning is that the F.B.I. also found dozens of classified folders that were empty, which obviously raises the question, where are the documents from the folders? Are they in other boxes? Did he lend them to Saudi Arabia? Or maybe — maybe it’s more innocent, yeah. Maybe Trump keeps a bunch of folders labeled ‘classified’ so he can give them to friends with photocopies of his butt inside.” — TREVOR NOAH“It’s also possible the intelligence community didn’t trust Trump with classified information so they just gave him empty folders.” — TREVOR NOAH“The feds also recovered documents related to the use of ‘clandestine human sources’ in intelligence gathering. That means lists of our secret operatives in foreign governments. Why would he have those? Is he writing a new spy thriller: ‘Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Woman, Man, Camera, T.V.’?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingOn “The Tonight Show,” Hillary Clinton reacted to Jimmy Fallon’s monologue about what the F.B.I. found while searching Mar-a-Lago.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe singer Fletcher will make her late-night debut on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutKaren O of Yeah Yeah Yeahs.Mark Horton/Getty ImagesAfter a lengthy hiatus, the art rock trio Yeah Yeah Yeahs is returning with a new studio album, “Cool It Down,” on Sept. 30. More

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      Trevor Noah on Trump’s Jailbird Friends

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      “Look, if we had more time we could talk about how Trump pretends to be the candidate of law and order. Meanwhile, his friends can fill up an entire prison wing,” Noah joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.With Friends Like TheseThe longtime chief financial officer of the former president’s business, Alan Weisselberg, reached a deal to plead guilty to 15 felonies on Thursday, admitting to his participation in a tax scheme at Donald Trump’s family business.“Can we take a moment to appreciate how many associated with Trump have ended up in prison?” Trevor Noah said on Thursday. “His lawyer, his campaign manager, his deputy campaign chairman, now the chief financial officer of his organization? Usually you’ve got to run a drug cartel to have this many friends doing this kind of time, so at this point it’s basically El Chapo and Donald Trump — that’s it.”“They need to send all these Trump felons to school assemblies to scare kids away from Trump. It’d be like, ‘You think hanging out with the 45th president is cool? That’s what I thought. Now I’m drinking wine out of a toilet. That’s my state of the union, kid!’” — TREVOR NOAH“Now, I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re wondering to yourself, ‘Surely, if Trump’s second-in-command was committing financial crimes with Trump’s company, then Trump must also be involved in these crimes.’ Well, actually, no. Because, apparently, the story is that he had no idea what was happening in his organization at all levels for decades. He had no clue. And that, my friends, is the kind of leadership that makes him fit to be the next president of the United States.” — TREVOR NOAH“Now look, if we had more time we could talk about how Trump pretends to be the candidate of law and order. Meanwhile, his friends can fill up an entire prison wing, but we just don’t have the time for that.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Cheap Netflix and Chill Edition)“I saw that when Netflix rolls out their cheaper plan with ads, users won’t be able to download shows to watch offline. Yes, it’s going to be very different. With the cheaper plan, you get commercial breaks, no downloads, when you try to hit ‘Skip intro,’ it says, ‘Nah.’ ‘Stranger Things’ is just the Jonathan scenes. Each month, they send you a cheese sandwich from the Fyre Festival documentary. When you’re with your parents, it automatically plays the show ‘How to Build a Sex Room.’ And finally, it automatically shares your password with all your exes.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon and Martin Short walked into a bar on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutAubrey Plaza in “Emily the Criminal.”Roadside Attractions/Vertical EntertainmentBest known for her deadpan comic role on “Parks and Recreation,” Aubrey Plaza has reinvented herself for her dramatic role in the thriller “Emily the Criminal.” More