The Daily Show with Trevor Noah (TV Program)

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      Prison Won’t Be a Riot for the QAnon Shaman, Jimmy Kimmel Says

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      “Prosecutors are recommending 51 months behind bars, after which, he will be remanded into the custody of ‘Dancing With the Stars,’” Kimmel joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Dancing With the InsurrectionistOn Thursday night, Jimmy Kimmel joked that Jacob Chansley, “the infamous insurrectionist” known as the QAnon Shaman who took part in the Capitol attack on Jan. 6, “is probably not gonna be storming anything any time soon.”This week, prosecutors suggested that Chansley be sentenced to more than four years in prison for his role in the incursion, which would be the most severe punishment yet for a participant.“Prosecutors are recommending 51 months behind bars, after which he will be remanded into the custody of ‘Dancing With the Stars.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Weird to think the QAnon Shaman could get four years in prison when the guy who encouraged him to do it could get four more years in the White House.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And also, can we stop calling him a shaman now? I mean, that would make half the fans at the Buffalo Bills game shamans too.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I support a four-year prison sentence for any adult wearing a costume.” — JAMES CORDEN“They’re asking for three years for the riot, and an extra year because he used to be in an improv group.” — JAMES CORDEN“He may be going to prison for years. Even worse, they’re also making a movie about all of this: ‘The Shaman-Shank Redemption.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (Thank You for Your Service Edition)“It is Veterans Day here in the United States, the day on which we honor the men and women who served and fought in wars to defend our country so the rest of us can fight on Facebook.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The closest most of us have come to a war zone is shopping on Black Friday at T.J. Maxx.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yup, the only people who have seen more combat than you guys are flight attendants on Southwest.” — JIMMY FALLON“I remember telling my dad that I thought a life in uniform might be right for me, so he went out and got me a job application for Pizza Hut.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Daily Show” correspondent Desi Lydic put the spotlight on female veterans throughout “hist-HER-y.”Also, Check This OutJulia Child and a fridge friend in an archival image, as seen in the documentary “Julia,” directed by Julie Cohen and Betsy West. Paul Child/Schlesinger Library, Radcliffe Institute, Harvard University/Sony Pictures ClassicsA new documentary about Julia Child explores her influence on how Americans cook and eat. More

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      Stephen Colbert Is Tickled by a Judge’s Takedown of Trump

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      “I haven’t seen such a brutal attack on an elected official since Jan. 6,” Colbert said on Wednesday night.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Motion DeniedA judge ruled this week that Donald J. Trump can’t prevent the release of files related to the Capitol attack, saying of Trump that “presidents are not kings, and plaintiff is not president.”“Damn! I have not seen such a brutal attack on an elected official since Jan. 6,” Stephen Colbert said.“The last time Trump got a spanking like that was with a copy of Forbes magazine by Stormy Daniels.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That is the worst denial for the former president since any time he tried to hold his wife’s hand.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now Trump’s legal team is going to have to figure out what to obstruct next. At this point Trump’s lawyers are, like, the losingest team in history, of any team ever. More than the Clippers. More than the Lions. More than the Washington Generals. And the Globetrotters beat them, like, 5,000 games in a row.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You think anyone ever took notes in a meeting with Trump? When they finally subpoena those notepads, they’re just going to be filled with random doodles and inscrutable comments like, ‘Ingest bleach maybe?’” — SETH MEYERS“And there’s no way Trump himself ever wrote anything down. He never even wrote any of his own books. They were ghostwritten, which I’m sure Trump took literally. [imitating Trump] ‘I didn’t write it — a ghost did, and I was pretty disappointed when I met the ghost. They said, ‘Donald, we’re getting you a ghostwriter,’ and I was hoping for a Slimer or, even better, a Patrick Swayze.” — SETH MEYERSHigh Price to PayInflation in America has reached a 30-year high. On “The Daily Show,” Trevor Noah looked for a silver lining.“The only good part of inflation — I was always jealous of those old guys who would go, like, ‘Back in my day, you could buy a house with a dollar!’ It looks like now if inflation gets bad enough, we’ll get to be those old guys: ‘Oh, yeah? Back in my day, a million dollars could buy a whole lot more than just a haircut!’” — TREVOR NOAH“I feel like a million bucks, and that’s not nearly enough, because everything is getting so expensive.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“All your favorite stuff is more expensive. Prices have gone up for autos, energy, furniture, rent and medical care. That is terrible! One of my favorite things is being mobile, warm, comfortable, dry and alive.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is a big danger to Biden politically, because inflation is the one economic concept that normal people actually care about. Like, the debt ceiling, the Federal Reserve, derivatives — that’s all just [expletive] we pretend to understand: [mocking] ‘The debt ceiling, the debt ceiling.’ But when you hear inflation is rising, you know it means you’re about to be a broke [expletive].” — TREVOR NOAH“OK, how much more bad news is Biden going to get? At the end of the month, we’re going to find out the turkey he pardoned was at the Capitol on Jan. 6.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines ($33.80 Edition)“Yesterday, the N.F.L. fined Rodgers and the Packers for violating Covid-19 protocols. Phew. Now that Covid protocols are being enforced, we can get back to safely enjoying the beautiful game of 300-pound men crushing each other’s spines like a sleeve of Ritz crackers.” — STEPHEN COLBERT on the Green Bay Packers and their quarterback Aaron Rodgers“Rodgers attended a Halloween party despite being unvaccinated, for which the N.F.L. fined him $14,650. Which sounds like a lot of money, but it’s the equivalent of fining an average American $33.80 — or one beer at a Packers game.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Just to put that in perspective, CeeDee Lamb of the Cowboys was fined more than $15,000 for having an untucked jersey. So once again, the league’s priorities are in perfect order.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee celebrated the passing of the infrastructure bill on Wednesday’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightTaylor Swift will perform on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutDaniel Kaluuya in Jordan Peele’s “Get Out.” Universal Pictures/courtesy of Everett CollectionFrom “Get Out” to the recent “Candyman” sequel, Black horror has become America’s most powerful cinematic genre. More

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      Late Night Goes After Ted Cruz for Going After Big Bird

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      Jimmy Kimmel said conservatives like Ted Cruz have some bizarre beliefs: “The elections are rigged, the deep state runs the world, and Big Bird is working for Merck now.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Birds of a FeatherLate night couldn’t get enough of Ted Cruz claiming Big Bird was spreading “government propaganda for your 5-year-old” over the weekend. Cruz angrily shared his response in a retweet of Big Bird’s announcement about receiving a Covid vaccine.Jimmy Kimmel said conservatives like Cruz truly believe sentiments like the one he shared: “The elections are rigged, the deep state runs the world, and Big Bird is working for Merck now.”“All right, first of all, Ted Cruz, you need to calm down. Five-year-olds aren’t even seeing Big Bird’s tweet. Five-year-olds aren’t even on Twitter — they’re on TikTok.” — TREVOR NOAH“This is the craziest anti-vax Muppet outrage since they claimed Pfizer gave the Swedish Chef giant meatballs.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And it’s interesting because not only is Ted Cruz vaccinated himself, Ted Cruz was born with an immunity that protects him from contracting any friends.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m surprised Cruz is at odds with Big Bird here. They have so much in common: When it gets cold, they both fly south.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Ted Cruz has it in for ‘Sesame Street’ because he’s constantly getting mistaken for the Count.” — JAMES CORDEN“I have to admit it’s a tough one. I mean, who are you siding with, the beloved and iconic children’s character widely celebrated over a half a century by people of all ages and backgrounds from all parts of the world, or a widely disliked wannabe werewolf with the charm of a serial killer and the voice of a dying barn owl who was once called ‘Lucifer in the flesh’ by one of his fellow Republicans after another fellow Republican joked he was so unpopular you could murder him and get away with it.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s a big day, actually, for Big Bird because immediately after getting vaccinated, he was signed by the Green Bay Packers.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Spotty Defense Edition)“The pope of Green Bay is quarterback Aaron Rodgers. He’s been playing some very spotty defense this weekend.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He said he tested negative over 300 times before testing positive, which is the same kind of logic your 95-year-old grandmother uses to justify keeping her driver’s license.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So Rodgers basically says that he’s an independent thinker who doesn’t want to be told what to do with his body. And I don’t know, you ever notice how all the independent thinkers are doing the exact same thing? Right? It’s not like they’re all coming up with different ideas, like, ‘I’m an independent thinker, what are my thoughts, Joe Rogan? Tell me about my independent thoughts!” — TREVOR NOAH“But you can tell how politics has just infected the entire vaccine debate, right, because you’ll never see Aaron Rodgers doing this to anything else. He’s never applying independent thinking to the rest of his body. Like just once I’d love to see him out there on the field, like, ‘Forget pads and helmets, I’ve decided to cover myself in manuka honey.’” — TREVOR NOAH“How does someone who almost hosted ‘Jeopardy’ come up with 40 incorrect responses in a row?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“A lot of people are also comparing Aaron Rodgers to Kyrie Irving, and that’s not fair. Kyrie Irving is wrong, but at least he’s honest. I mean, Aaron Rodgers let everyone around him think he was vaccinated when he wasn’t. He’s not Kyrie Irving, he’s Bernie Madoff.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But there are real victims here. And yes, I’m talking about those of us who play fantasy sports. Because it used to be when you drafted players you only had to take into account their injury history or their team’s off-season moves. Now — now you’ve got to be like, ‘OK, what are the chances that this player gets his news from Facebook?’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah talked with the “Daily Show” guest Spike Lee about his new career-spanning book, “SPIKE.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightSarah Silverman will catch up with Seth Meyers on Tuesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutViolah Beauvais, left, and Kiawentiio in a scene from Tracey Deer’s film “Beans.”Sebastien Raymond/FilmriseTracey Deer’s film “Beans” is based on her experiences during the 1990 Oka crisis, a confrontation between the Mohawk people and the government. More

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      Late Night Recaps Democrats’ Stinging Election Results

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      Stephen Colbert said Democrats are used to being disappointed: “That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Pity PartyRepublicans won elections in several key states on Tuesday, including Virginia, where Glenn Youngkin won the race for governor.“So, it was a disappointing night for Democrats, but Democrats are used to being disappointed,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday night. “That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.”“Some of you may be upset by the results, but don’t panic — save your panic for climate change.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But the bigger loss was in Virginia, or as it’s known by its full name ‘East West Virginia.’ Because Virginia has been becoming more and more Democratic for years now. They voted for the first Black president and the first blackface governor.” — TREVOR NOAH“Republicans figured out that they could use a twin strategy of keeping Trump’s MAGA base motivated by using the right-wing propaganda network to feed the red meat on the one hand, while also running a candidate who looks like the dentist who gives you the gas for a cleaning.”— SETH MEYERS“And what is especially shocking about this result is that Joe Biden won Virginia by 10 points just a year ago. That is a huge swing, people. That’s like a Kim Kardashian going from Kanye to Pete Davidson-level swing.” — TREVOR NOAH“Here’s the thing — and maybe I’m alone — but I’m not that upset. I’ve already endured the worst election in American history, live on TV, sitting over there, drinking a cocktail of bourbon and my own tears. This one just seems like another election: ‘Oh no, Terry McAuliffe didn’t win? Will the republic survive our post-Terry future?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yep, Republicans haven’t been this excited since they realized that you can print fake vaccine cards off of Google Images.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Kennedys Resurrected? Edition)“I mentioned last night they had this QAnon event in Dallas. The illiterati gathered by the hundreds because they believed J.F.K. Jr. and J.F.K. Sr. were going to re-emerge and reinstall Donald Trump to power, because obviously the Kennedys would be big Trump fans.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, J.F.K. Jr. died tragically 22 years ago, so at this point, any announcement from him would be pretty big.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, some of these folks also believe J.F.K. Jr. will be seeking office soon, based on their T-shirts suggesting J.F.K. Jr. would be the former president’s running mate in 2024. Makes sense: Kennedy died over 20 years ago, but he’s still more lifelike than Mike Pence.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Shockingly, J.F.K. Jr. did not show up in Dallas yesterday afternoon, due to his chronic case of ‘not alive.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But the QAnon crowd didn’t lose hope, because rumors began to circulate that J.F.K. Jr. would instead appear at a concert by the Rolling Stones that evening. Guys, come on. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you just might find you get what you need. Which is medication.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So, the concert happened, and J.F.K. Jr. was a no-show. Some QAnon believers walked away with a new theory about his father: that Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is, in fact, President John F. Kennedy. OK, that is crazy. President Kennedy would be 104 years old, and Keith Richards is clearly way older than that.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Who should be more insulted — Keith Richards by people who thought he was a 104-year-old J.F.K., or J.F.K. for them thinking he was a 77-year-old Keith Richards. I don’t know.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s crazy that people actually believed this. I mean, if you’re gonna believe that a band is the dead Kennedys in disguise, wouldn’t you assume that band was the Dead Kennedys?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee dug into the latest on the Supreme Court’s abortion rights cases during Wednesday’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightSerena Williams will talk about the new film “King Richard” on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutZazie Beetz, left, with Jonathan Majors in “The Harder They Fall.”David Lee/Netflix“The Harder They Fall” on Netflix is a bloody new Western about Black gunslingers, chanteuses, saloonkeepers and train robbers. More

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      Jimmy Fallon: Biden Can Cut Emissions Just as He Did His Ratings

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      “I mean, he cut his approval rating in half in three months,” Fallon joked on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Save the Amazon From Amazon’President Biden addressed world leaders at the U.N. Climate Conference on Tuesday, reiterating his commitment to cut carbon emissions in half by 2030.“And he can do it,” Jimmy Fallon said. “I mean, he cut his approval rating in half in three months.”“Well, good news, over 100 countries have agreed to stop deforestation by 2030. In other words — in other words, they agreed to stop giving the Brazilian Rainforest a Brazilian.” — JIMMY FALLON“Basically, they made a deal to save the Amazon from Amazon at this conference.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yesterday, more than 100 world leaders pledged to halt deforestation by 2030. Of course, to do that, they’ll need a detailed plan — that they’ll need to print out on thousands upon thousands of pieces of paper.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Biden announced yesterday that more than 70 countries would join the U.S. in a pledge to reduce global methane emissions by 30 percent by the end of the decade. Yeah, but not Russia or China, right? That’s like saying: ‘Hey, great news — I got the whole neighborhood to agree to stop murdering, except for Hacksaw Dave and Larry the Strangler. Sleep tight, everybody!’” — SETH MEYERS“Biden ended his big speech by saying, ‘God bless you all and may God save the planet.’ And God was like, ‘Uh, this is definitely a you-broke-it, you-bought-it situation.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Space Jam Edition)“Apparently, there are issues with the toilet on the SpaceX capsule. So four astronauts are going to have to use backup undergarments during their trip home. Astronauts were, like: ‘You know, not sure we needed to make that public. We’re doing tons of other stuff up here.’” — JIMMY FALLON“OK, but be careful which undergarments you choose, because it is very hard to poop in a bra.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know, it’s pretty humbling that no matter what technological advances we come up with, we’ve still got to deal with our poop.” — TREVOR NOAH“What is so embarrassing about diapers? I honestly think that diapers are underrated. Like, if diapers didn’t already exist and someone introduced them now as a hot new technology in 2021, be honest, people would be excited about them: ‘Guys, what if I told you you never had to worry about finding a bathroom ever again, because you would always be carrying one with you?’” — TREVOR NOAH“Meanwhile, I saw that NASA astronauts used the first peppers grown in space to make tacos on the International Space Station. I guess they figured, ‘Well, toilet’s broken — Taco Tuesday, anyone?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Anyone thinking here? Next they’re going to have a prune-eating contest.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingTom Hanks paid tribute to the late Peter Scolari, his “Bosom Buddies” co-star, while on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightKristen Stewart will talk about her latest role as Princess Diana on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutIan Shaw, the son of the “Jaws” star Robert Shaw, co-wrote the show “The Shark Is Broken” and plays his father.Lauren Fleishman for The New York TimesA new play details the real-life drama that unfolded on the set of the movie “Jaws,” malfunctioning sharks and all. More

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      Stephen Colbert: Biden Got the Pope’s Blessing

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      “The pope telling you you’re a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you’re good at pooping in the woods,” Colbert said of President Biden, who visited the Vatican over the weekend.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.90 Minutes With the PopePresident Biden over the weekend visited the Vatican, where he gave Pope Francis a coin and parted ways by saying, “God love ya.”“Yeah, he does,” Stephen Colbert joked on Monday’s “Late Show.” “Pretty sure that’s the papal job description on LinkedIn: ‘God love ya. Must be good with crowds. Some Latin required. Five to 10 years’ waving experience.’”“That is the most unnecessary ‘God love ya’ in history. You don’t need to say ‘God love ya’ to the pope — he knows God loves him. He had dinner with him last night.” — TREVOR NOAH“You’ve got to give it to Joe Biden. It took everything in his power to not make the coin appear behind the pope’s ear.” — TREVOR NOAH“But I think the meeting was cool for him to see because it’s nice. Because even though these two men are some of the most powerful leaders in the world, when it comes down to it, they’re just a couple of old guys hanging out, showing off their coin collection, talking about alcohol, making inappropriate ethnic jokes.” — TREVOR NOAH“Biden has gotten flack from right-wing Catholic bishops for being pro-choice, but during the meeting, the pope said he should keep receiving communion, and called Biden ‘a good Catholic.’ OK, that’s legit. That’s legit. That’s the stamp of approval right there. The pope telling you you’re a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you’re good at pooping in the woods.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Much of Biden’s visit was confidential, but parts were broadcast on Vatican television, home of hits like, ‘Say Yes to the Vestment,’ ‘The Prodigal Brothers’ and ‘Bob Covets Abishola.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I mean I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that Biden’s meeting with the pope was three times as long as Trump’s. I mean, knowing Biden, he puts in a good 40 minutes with the barista when he pops into Starbucks.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Sometime This Century Edition)“All right, now, after President Biden exchanged Irish jokes with the pope, he caught an Uber to Rome for the G20 summit where he and other world leaders got down to business.” — TREVOR NOAH“They agreed to create a global minimum corporate tax rate of 15 percent, which is expected to raise hundreds of billions of dollars until the corporations find a different loophole about five minutes afterwards.” — TREVOR NOAH“The first time you see people in person post-pandemic is always awkward. It explains the G20 itinerary: ‘See another world leader approaching; wonder if they’re going for a handshake; notice they’re actually coming in for a hug; hug them, only to realize maybe they weren’t and you just made it awkward; call out the fact that you made it awkward and joke about how you’ve forgotten how to interact with other humans; solve climate change?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Climate change was one of the main things on the agenda, and the G20 leaders took a bold stand, pledging to achieve global net-zero greenhouse-gas emissions by or around midcentury. That doesn’t sound very urgent. It’s like calling 9-1-1 and having the operator tell you the E.M.T.s will be there sometime between the hours of noon and the funeral.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I’m sorry, guys, but how is climate change the most pressing issue facing humanity but then your plan is to do something about it by more or less 2050? Like that’s a pretty good sign something isn’t going to actually get done. If somebody says, ‘Yeah, yeah, we should hang out sometime. What’s your schedule looking like in 2050?’ You’ll never see the person again.” — TREVOR NOAH“Not to mention, I’m looking at the people making the pledge — half of them aren’t even going to be around in 2050. That’s genius — ‘When are we fixing this? How much time do I have left? Yeah, yeah — around then!” — TREVOR NOAH“So basically what they’ve done is said, ‘I want to lose 100 pounds by the summer so I’m going to do five push-ups by the day and then I don’t know, maybe I’ll get tapeworm. We’ll see what happens.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Kimmel didn’t ask for videos of adults tricking their kids into believing they ate all their Halloween treats for his annual challenge this year, but some parents just couldn’t resist.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightTom Hanks will talk about his latest film, “Finch,” on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“Every woman I know — doesn’t matter what they look like, or if they’ve commodified their image or not — knows what it feels like to be looked at, to be rejected, to get attention for how they look,” Emily Ratajkowski said.Caroline Tompkins for The New York TimesIn her debut essay collection, “My Body,” the model and influencer Emily Ratajkowski writes about cashing in on her image for a living. More

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      Late Night Savors What’s Left of Biden’s ‘Build Back Better’ Plan

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      Trevor Noah said the excision of family leave meant that “America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Built to ScaleLate-night hosts covered the latest in President Biden’s “Build Back Better” plan on Thursday, or what is left of it.“A lot of what was originally there is now gone,” Trevor Noah said. “Like free community college is out, and so is paid family and medical leave, which means America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”“Oh, and Medicare won’t cover the cost of dental or vision care for seniors but it will cover hearing. Which makes sense. You know Biden made sure that that stayed in. When you got a president that whispers as much as he does, you’ve got to make sure people can at least hear him.” — TREVOR NOAH“But don’t worry, moms, you don’t have to go into work while you’re in labor — just Zoom in from the birthing room.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Biden met today with House Democrats to discuss his health care spending proposal in the infrastructure bill, which is now down to a 30-day trial for WebMD plus, and they’re going to paint some tunnels on a rock, like Wile E. Coyote.” — SETH MEYERS“The plan features subsidies for child care and universal preschool for more than six million 3- and 4-year-olds, to which parents everywhere replied, ‘But what about 2-year-olds who could pass for 3? Please — I can’t watch any more ‘Peppa Pig.’ My toddler has adopted an English accent, and won’t let me eat bacon.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s insane. Everyone deserves the right to be at home with their families and children. And besides, in my experience, the more time you spend with your kids, the more desperate you are to go back to work.” — SETH MEYERS“Free vision care for anyone with perfect 20/20 eyesight. A 1 percent tax hike on billionaires for each trip to outer space. Guaranteed child care for children ages 3 to 4, provided by children ages 5 to 6. For anyone who wants to attend community college, a free copy of ‘Community’ Season 1 on DVD. If anything falls off of a crumbling bridge or overpass and hits you, you get to keep it. For women who have just given birth, a big scoop of Turkey Hill’s Rocky Road ice cream. In lieu of paid leave, they added two more take-your-child-to-work days. Any 12 albums for just one penny. Student-loan forgiveness: You still have to pay it back, but we’ll forgive you for making the mistake of taking one out. Universal wealth care: one extra digit in each American’s Social Security number. Guaranteed pre-K for wacky adult children whose hotel-magnate fathers paid their way through elementary and high school but now would like to prove themselves as competent, functioning adults in order to take over the family business. You can use the bathroom if you asked nicely. Everyone is eligible to receive $1 million from a billionaire, in exchange for just one night with your wife. One free month of Tubi. They’ll throw a traffic cone next to the pothole on your street if you quit whining about it. And finally, a new houseboat for Joe Manchin.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Meta Edition)“Yeah, Facebook changed their name. In response, Spectrum was like, ‘We used to be Time Warner; people still hate us.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, ‘Meta,’ as in when I joined Facebook, I ‘Meta’ lot of crazy people.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, ‘Meta,’ as in your Aunt Gloria saying, ‘I Meta guy on Facebook who says the vaccine made his balls magnetic.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This feels like when there’s an E. coli outbreak at a pizza place and they just change the name from Sal and Tony’s to Tony and Sal’s. Same gross owners.” — JIMMY FALLON“Companies often change their name to help their image and since it’s up for grabs, Johnson & Johnson is now Facebook & Facebook.” — JIMMY FALLON“The company says, ‘The name Facebook is not going away, but from now on, we are going to be Metaverse first, not Facebook first.’ But don’t worry — the self esteem of teenage girls will always be last.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingDesus and Mero get to the bottom of why Black people love Dave Grohl, with guest Dave Grohl.Also, Check This OutAnya Taylor-Joy, left, and Thomasin McKenzie in “Last Night in Soho.”Parisa Taghizadeh/Focus FeaturesTwo young women from different eras form a psychic bond in Edgar Wright’s thriller “Last Night in Soho.” More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Misses the Old Facebook

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      Kimmel reminisced about the days when the social media app was “just a safe place to lose your house in a pyramid scheme.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Angry Face EmojiOn Tuesday night, Jimmy Kimmel noted that Facebook hasn’t been getting a lot of likes lately, citing damning reports from inside the social media company.“I miss when Facebook was just a safe place to lose your house in a pyramid scheme,” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Tuesday.“This week is so bad for Facebook that Mark Zuckerberg was, like, ‘Facebook? No, that’s not me. That was started by the Winklevii.’” — TREVOR NOAH“I mentioned last night a trove of confidential internal documents were leaked to the press. The gist of them is that Facebook knew its technology was amplifying hate speech and misinformation. There was an internal memo written in 2019 that says, ‘We also have compelling evidence that our core product mechanics, such as vitality, recommendations, and optimizing for engagement, are a significant part of why these types of speech flourish on the platform.’ Their core product mechanics. That means hate and lies are baked directly into Facebook, like the cheese in a stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And another interesting detail is that Facebook engineers — they will prioritize the posts that get a lot of emoji reactions, including the anger emoji by 5-1 over just the regular like. The hate and the lies on Facebook — it’s like the nicotine in a cigarette: It’s not what you come for, but it’s why you stick around.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, that’s right, Facebook knew it was rewarding [expletive] posts as long as they generated an emotional response. And I’ll be honest, when I first heard about this, I was shocked because I couldn’t believe that Mark Zuckerberg knows what emotions are.” — TREVOR NOAH“Although it does make sense because in regular life, we all put more value on things that produce an emotional response in us. You know, it’s why Donald Trump became president and Jeb Bush works at a Quiznos now.” — TREVOR NOAH“Of course, everyone’s been talking about Facebook lately, and Mark Zuckerberg just announced that he’s ‘retooling’ the social media platform toward young adults and away from older users. Honestly, just make it a little harder to sign in, and you will never see an old person on Facebook.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Six Flags Edition)“I heard about a guy who bought a Six Flags annual pass. How about this deal: You get the Six Flags annual pass, right? That allows you to get unlimited food for $150. He’s eaten nearly all of his meals at Six Flags ever since. Of course, all the money he saved is now going to doctors to get his cholesterol down from 1,000.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, that dude fed himself for 50 cents a day. Genius! We should get him to fix all the world’s economies before he dies from gout.” — TREVOR NOAH“Right now the Democrats are struggling to figure out how to pay for health care. This guy — this guy would solve it. He’d probably just come in and be like, ‘All you have to do is go to the first-aid tent at Six Flags and tell them the roller coaster gave you lupus. Boom! Free health care.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And by the way, how are amusement parks both the cheapest and most expensive places on earth? Like, eat for a year: $150. A mouse pad with a picture of you on a roller coaster: $3,000. No in between!” — TREVOR NOAH“But I will say, man, props to this guy for gaming the system. This is the kind of [expletive] you can only get away with at Six Flags, you know, because they’re a chilled amusement park. If you tried this at Disney, oh man, Mickey wouldn’t mess around. He’d have you hanging by your thumbs in the castle dungeon.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Tuesday’s “Late Show,” Katie Couric shared the story of meeting her idol, Jane Pauley, for the first time.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightDan Levy will promote the book “Best Wishes, Warmest Regards: The Story of Schitt’s Creek” — which he co-wrote with his father, Eugene — on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Understand the Facebook PapersCard 1 of 6A tech giant in trouble. More