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      Trump’s New Lawyers Represent Him Well, Says Late Night

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightTrump’s New Lawyers Represent Him Well, Says Late Night“My God, who on Earth would hire Jeffrey Epstein’s defense lawyer?” Stephen Colbert said on Monday. “Oh, Jeffrey Epstein’s wingman? Yeah, that makes sense.”Stephen Colbert joked that former President Donald J. Trump “cruised some dark alleys of the legal world” to find new lawyers for his impeachment defense team.Credit…CBSFeb. 2, 2021, 2:29 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Rats Fleeing a Sinking Rat’Former President Donald J. Trump lost five lawyers from his legal defense team over the weekend, just more than a week before his second impeachment trial.“There was something lawyers wouldn’t do for money,” Stephen Colbert joked on Monday night. “That is rats fleeing a sinking rat.”“He wanted his lawyers to make the case that he won the election and they quit, so this should be fun.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, Trump and his lawyers disagreed on strategy. Apparently Trump got upset when they wanted to have one.” — JIMMY FALLON“Aha, the brilliant legal strategy of pointing out to the jury how motivated you were to commit the crime.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“At this rate, Trump’s going to be the first president to show up to his impeachment trial with a public defender.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump suddenly found himself without any legal representation, which is still a huge improvement over being represented by Rudy Giuliani.” — JAMES CORDEN“Trump was furious — not that they quit, that he couldn’t fire them on Twitter.” — JIMMY FALLON“A source close to the ex-president described it as a ‘mutual decision.’ Oh, totally mutual! ‘No, Carol did not divorce me — we divorced me. We also agreed that the lawn was the perfect place for all my shirts.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTBut Trump didn’t go without for long. On Sunday, Colbert said, “the former president cruised some dark alleys of the legal world and scooped up two new lawyers,” Bruce Castor and David Schoen.“Now these guys have a lot in common. When he was a Pennsylvania D.A. in 2005, Castor declined to prosecute Bill Cosby as part of a ‘secret agreement,’ although it is possible Castor did not know, and Cosby just dropped the secret agreement into his drink.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Meanwhile, days before Jeffrey Epstein died, Schoen actually met with the accused child sex trafficker about ‘joining his defense.’ My God, who on earth would hire Jeffrey Epstein’s defense lawyer? Oh, Jeffrey Epstein’s wingman? Yeah, that makes sense.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“What, was the guy who defended Saddam Hussein not available?” — JIMMY FALLON“I mean, even Rudy Giuliani thought, ‘You’re going with these guys?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Vaccine Dodgers Edition)“The only snowflakes we had here in L.A. this weekend were the ones blocking the vaccine line at Dodger Stadium.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Whatever their reason, they gathered at the entrance to Dodger Stadium for what they called a ‘scamdemic protest march.’ They blocked traffic; they delayed the vaccinations for about an hour. Now see, this is where we really miss Tommy Lasorda. He would have cleared that mess out in about a minute.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Whoa, these people in L.A. had to sit in their cars for an hour. How did they notice?” — TREVOR NOAH“For Pete’s sake, it takes two hours just to change lanes on the 405.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The protest organizers wanted people to be open to their message, so they urged attendees to ‘refrain from wearing MAGA attire, as we want our statement to resonate with the sheeple.’ Yeah, the ones getting the vaccine are the sheeple — ‘Now everyone hide the matching hats we bought from our bankrupt casino god-king!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s right. These doofuses with their homemade signs saying ‘Bill Gates is controlled by Satan’ are like, ‘Take off that MAGA hat or they’ll think we’re nuts.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“If you don’t want a vaccine, then don’t get one. I don’t agree with you, but don’t ruin it for everyone else. Like, we don’t come interrupt you when you’re busy dying of measles.” — TREVOR NOAH“Here’s what I don’t understand — why does it always have to be the most ridiculous people who are the most fired up? Like why can’t anti-vaxxers be like those Instagram models were last summer, you know? Where they just post a black square on Instagram one day and never bring up vaccines again?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Slave Play” playwright Jeremy O. Harris appeared on “The Daily Show,” discussing how Covid has devastated the theater industry.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightZendaya will catch up with Colbert on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutSophie’s fascinations with the musicality of hyper-feminized speech and the plasticky found-materials of late-capitalist consumer culture made their way into her music.Credit…Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for CoachellaThe late Sophie was a progressive performer and producer who worked with artists from Madonna to Charli XCX in her short but influential career. Here are 12 of her essential songs.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Stephen Colbert Is Thrilled to Have a President With a Plan

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightStephen Colbert Is Thrilled to Have a President With a Plan“Yesterday, President Biden announced a dramatic change to America’s Covid plan: There is one,” Colbert said on Wednesday.Stephen Colbert is optimistic that by Halloween, “the hottest costume is going to be sexy normal people saying hello. They’re sexy, because they can touch hands.”Credit…CBSJan. 28, 2021, 2:33 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Plan B(iden)“Yesterday, President Biden announced a dramatic change to America’s Covid plan: There is one,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday night.Late-night hosts shared their enthusiasm about Biden’s promise that vaccination production and distribution will be ramping up.“That means February 2 — next week, Groundhog’s Day — Punxsutawney Phil can come out of his burrow and get vaccinated and stay within six feet of his shadow.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“On his first day in office, the president signed an order requiring masks in federal buildings and on federal lands. Then on his second day, Biden signed another order mandating masks in airports and on many planes, trains, ships and buses. And then on the third day, he just yelled ‘Let’s get loud!’ and took the rest of the day off.” — SAMANTHA BEE“The most exciting news: The federal government is buying enough additional doses to vaccinate 300 million Americans by the end of the summer. So next Halloween, you know the hottest costume is going to be sexy normal people saying hello. They’re sexy, because they can touch hands.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Fortunately, some states have recently changed their laws so more people are eligible to give shots. In New York, for example, that list now includes pharmacists, dentists and podiatrists. But still no-late night hosts, which is weird, considering how I’ve been consistently injecting giggles into the soul of America for five years now.” — SAMANTHA BEEThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Number Two Test Edition)“China has rolled out an anal swab coronavirus test, saying it’s more accurate than the throat method. It’s more accurate, but it’s still being called the number two test.” — JIMMY FALLON“So this is what they meant when they said the pandemic was finally starting to turn around.” — JAMES CORDEN“You know what? There’s a point at which I would rather just have the coronavirus.” — TREVOR NOAH“The plus side is with testing like this, you might not even need a vaccine. You just tell people, ‘Hey, we’re not having lockdowns, but every time you leave your apartment, some stranger’s going to shove a Q-Tip up your butt.’ We’ll be done with corona in, like, two weeks.” — TREVOR NOAH“They’re saying that the science shows that these swabs are more accurate than other forms of swab. The only trick is finding the right position to hang your butt out the window of your car.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And for even more accuracy, they do a nasal swab and an anal swab until they touch in the middle.” — JIMMY FALLON“We wanted to test people that way here at Television City, but CBS pooh-poohed it.” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth Watching“Jimmy Kimmel Live” celebrated the 50th birthday of Guillermo, Kimmel’s beloved parking lot security guard turned onscreen sidekick.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightTerry Gross, the host of NPR’s “Fresh Air,” will appear on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutThe actress Cloris Leachman in 1974. She won accolades and an Academy Award for her dramatic work, but comedy was her forte.Credit…George Brich/Associated PressThe late Cloris Leachman will be remembered for a lengthy film and TV career, from “The Last Picture Show” to “Malcolm in the Middle.”AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Some Republicans Finally Face ‘Their Biggest Fear: Reality,’ Colbert Says

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }The Best of 2020Best ComedyBest TV ShowsBest BooksBest MoviesBest AlbumsAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightSome Republicans Finally Face ‘Their Biggest Fear: Reality,’ Colbert SaysMitch McConnell’s congratulating Joe Biden on his victory in the election was big news among late-night hosts like Stephen Colbert.Stephen Colbert and others were pleased to see Senator Mitch McConnell and other Republicans acknowledge what they’ve known for weeks: Joe Biden won the election.Credit…CBSDec. 16, 2020Updated 2:44 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Wow, No Hurry, Mitch’Late-night hosts took great pleasure in Republicans like the Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell, finally acknowledging Joe Biden’s election win on Tuesday.“The Trump train has a lot of empty seats,” Jimmy Kimmel joked.Stephen Colbert echoed his sentiments, saying that with the Electoral College result, “some Republicans have been forced to face their biggest fear: reality.”“McConnell said, ‘As of this morning, our country officially has a president-elect,’ as if we hadn’t had one for the 40 more days before that.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And you know Trump’s luck has run out now that Mitch McConnell has conceded the election, because forget Putin — if Mitch can’t find a way to subvert American democracy, then it just can’t be done.” — TREVOR NOAH“Wow, no hurry, Mitch. What else did you formally recognize, Alaskan statehood?” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, McConnell told Biden and Harris congrats, and then said, ‘I’m looking forward to making your next four years a living nightmare.’” — JIMMY FALLONBarr Beats the TrafficBill Barr’s resignation as attorney general was also big news on the late-night shows, and Seth Meyers was a tad verklempt.“Attorney General Bill Barr resigned yesterday, and I didn’t expect this, but I’m a little — I’m a little emotional about it. No, wait, nope. That was tear gas.” — SETH MEYERS“President Trump tweeted yesterday, ‘Just had a very nice meeting with Attorney General Bill Barr at the White House. Our relationship has been a very good one. He has done an outstanding job,’ which Twitter immediately flagged.” — SETH MEYERS“Bill Barr has resigned as attorney general, as opposed to before, when Barr was simply resigned to his fate of defending every stupid thing that Donald Trump has ever said.” — JAMES CORDEN“Seriously, Barr is quitting now? That’s like waiting until the last five minutes of ‘The Emoji Movie’ to walk out of the theater.” — JIMMY FALLON“Maybe now he’ll have time to finally read that Mueller Report.” — JAMES CORDEN“That’s right, Barr is leaving before Christmas to spend holidays with his family. Americans heard and were like, ‘Yeah, we all do that, but then we come back to work.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Barr and Trump — they couldn’t have been that close. They couldn’t have been close because otherwise Barr would have gotten coronavirus.” — JAMES CORDEN“Yes, Bill Barr has officially resigned, which surprised some people because for a long time, it seemed like he was ride or die with Trump. He whitewashed the Mueller Report, he protected Trump’s cronies, he even reportedly ordered peaceful protesters to be tear-gassed just so that Trump could walk over to a church and wave a Bible next to it. And when the White House chef prepared brussels sprouts, Barr would hide under the table so Trump could feed them to him.” — TREVOR NOAH“But Trump also wanted Barr to overturn the election results, and Barr wouldn’t do that. So one of two things has happened here: Either Barr quit because Trump became too bat[expletive] crazy even for him, or Trump fired Barr because he’s not bat[expletive] crazy enough to roll in this White House. Either way, this works out the best for Barr, because everyone is heading out on January 20, so this way, at least Bill Barr’s beating the traffic.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Ready for Contact Edition)“This must have been a punch in the McRib. Joe Biden got a congratulatory message from Trump’s KGBFF. Sugar Vladi Putin put out a statement acknowledging Biden’s victory. He said, ‘For my part I’m ready for cooperation and contacts with you,’ which will be easy because Russia just hacked all of our contacts.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But wait, if Putin’s offering a congratulatory handshake to Joe Biden, then what is Trump eating pellets out of?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“‘I am ready for interaction and contacts with you’? Putin doesn’t sound human; he sounds like a self-checkout at CVS: ‘Ready for interaction. Please to place item in the bag.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And, hey, even Vladimir Putin knows it’s over. And if someone who has had that much Botox can accept reality, you can, too.” — SETH MEYERS“‘I am ready for interaction and contacts with you.’ That’s actually what Mike Pence said on his honeymoon.” — JIMMY FALLON“Seriously, guys, what a weird phrase: ‘I am ready for interaction and contacts with you.’ Sounds like Mike Pence getting frisky.” — TREVOR NOAH“Putin reached out to Biden. He was, like, ‘Send me everyone’s contact info. Oops, I already have. Heh, heh, heh.’ Then he said, ‘Send me everyone’s Netflix passwords. Oops, I already have, too.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Not a great look for Senate Republicans when the guy who interfered in our election is like [imitating Putin]: ‘Come on, he won. At a certain point, you guys are poisoning democracy, and not in the right way — with poison.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Even Putin recognized Biden’s win. That’s a tough break for Trump. In just a few days, his Supreme Court and his supreme leader went against him.” — JIMMY FALLON“I think Putin is relieved Trump is out. All day long he’s been singing, ‘Since you’ve been gone, I can breathe for the first time.’” — JIMMY FALLON“As if the news wasn’t bad enough for Trump, moments later, Rudy Giuliani popped into the Oval Office like, ‘Don’t worry boss, you still got me.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth Watching“Wonder Woman 1984” star Kristen Wiig nailed the mimic challenge on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightTom Hanks will check in with Stephen Colbert on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutThe Blockbuster Video store in Bend, Ore., featured in the documentary “The Last Blockbuster.”Credit…1091 PicturesThe new documentary “The Last Blockbuster” reflects on the legacy of the home video chain and the industry as a whole.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More