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      Stephen Colbert Suggests Guns Be Regulated Like Cars and Alcohol

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      Colbert said guns should require a license, registration and insurance: “If you move to a new state, you got to do the whole damn thing all over again. And you can’t go out loaded.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Retiring Thoughts and PrayersStephen Colbert opened Tuesday’s show addressing the mass shooting a day earlier in Boulder, Colo.“Now due, apparently, to pandemic shutdowns, it has been a year since there has been a large-scale shooting in a public place,” Colbert said. “Now we’ve had two in the last week: Boulder and Atlanta. Evidently, the only solution for America’s gun violence is putting all of us under house arrest.”“The responses from gun apologists, of course, have been predictable. The Colorado State Shooting Association released this statement: ‘There will be a time for the debate on gun laws. There will be a time for a conversation on how this could have been prevented. But today is not the time.’ Why not? That’s what they say every time this happens, and that’s what I say about what they say every time they say it every time it happens.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Even the idea of it being in a ‘groundhog’ situation is itself a ‘groundhog’ situation. Remember, Einstein said, ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Also, same-day gun purchases — whose stupid idea was that? Thanks, “Einstein.”’” — STEPHEN COLBERTSeth Meyers also addressed how common such violence has become.“I heard an anchor this morning call the events in Boulder ‘unimaginable.’ That’s probably a word we can retire. When something happens three or four times a week, it is no longer unimaginable. Sadly, we’re at a place where common sense gun laws and political action are the things — they are the things that have become unimaginable.” — SETH MEYERS“We could also stop using ‘shooter.’ It makes these people sound like hobbyists, which is exactly the [expletive] rationale that keeps those kinds of weapons flowing. ‘Killer’ or ‘murderer’ works just fine.” — SETH MEYERS“And of course, we can do away with ‘thoughts and prayers.’ If the best you can muster in response to this kind of horror is to say words inside your own head and nothing more, best to look around, find someone or some organization that’s taking action, and help them instead.” — SETH MEYERSColbert specifically called out Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana, who during a congressional hearing attempted to steer the subject from gun control to young people who drink and drive.“OK, I’ll take that deal. Let’s regulate guns the way we regulate alcohol and cars. You got to be 21, you got to pass a test to get a license, you got to have a registration and insurance for your gun. If you move to a new state, you got to do the whole damn thing all over again. And you can’t go out loaded.” — STEPHEN COLBERTAnd when Kennedy said there isn’t so much a gun control problem as “an idiot control problem,” Colbert agreed in part.“Oh, we definitely have an idiot control problem. It’s people who don’t recognize that this country has long had a gun problem, ‘John Kennedy.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Special Delivery Edition)“Speaking of the pandemic, I saw that DoorDash will now deliver Covid test kits to your house. Yeah, the DoorDash guy will hook you up with fast food, Covid tests and, after a long enough pause, weed: ‘Here’s your delivery, here’s your test. [pause] All right, here, let me see what I got.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Uber has started offering Covid tests, too. Yeah, if you get in the car and you can smell weed, you just tested negative, my friend. Congrats!” — TREVOR NOAH“I got to be honest, it’s a little strange getting medical supplies from the same guy who brought you lunch from Fuddruckers.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yes, thanks to DoorDash, you can now get a Covid test delivered right to your home along with, I’m assuming, 40 packets of ketchup.” — TREVOR NOAH“And let me remind everybody right now that your delivery driver is not responsible for your test results, all right? Because you know there are people out there who are going to base their reviews on that: ‘What? You’re telling me that I have Covid? Dude, one star!’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Daily Show” correspondent Desi Lydic delved into the world of women having orgasms onscreen in her segment “Hist-HER-y.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightSharon Stone will stop by Wednesday’s “Late Show” to talk about her new memoir, “The Beauty of Living Twice.”Also, Check This OutFrom left foreground, America Ferrera, Colton Dunn, Nico Santos, Ben Feldman and Lauren Ash in the first season of “Superstore.” From the start, the show never insulated its characters from the outside world.Vivian Zink/NBCNBC’s big-box workplace sitcom “Superstore,” whose series finale is on Thursday, didn’t shy from the challenges faced by America’s low-wage workers, including the current pandemic. More

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      Stephen Colbert Breaks It Down for Spring Breakers

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      “Hot tip for Miami authorities: If you want young people to stop partying, don’t instate a curfew, just invite a few dads,” Colbert joked. Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Spring Breaking the RulesCollege students celebrating spring break descended on Miami Beach over the weekend and flouted regulations about social distancing and wearing masks. On Monday night, Stephen Colbert chastised the city’s mayor, Dan Gelber, for saying those partyers were not “following the rules.” “Yes, he wants a spring break that’s not chaotic or disorderly, like in those famous videos, ‘Girls Gone Mild,’” Colbert said.“Things got so out of hand that on Saturday, the city was forced to declare a state of emergency and an 8 p.m. curfew. And, surprise, it didn’t work. Hot tip for Miami authorities: If you want young people to stop partying, don’t instate a curfew, just invite a few dads.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yup, now there’s a curfew from 8 p.m. to 6 a.m. so spring breakers will have to return to their motel rooms. The best way to guard against Covid is forcing drunks into small, confined spaces, that’s what I’ve always heard.” — JIMMY FALLON“You know things are out of control when Florida is worried about Covid.” — JIMMY FALLON“College kids were like, ‘It’s a shame, ’cause I flew to Miami during a pandemic to party very responsibly.’” — JIMMY FALLON“[imitating partyer] Wooo! I’m with you, my fellow younglings. The virus can’t catch us if we don’t stop dancing! I’m never going to die!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is what’s going to happen after Florida’s governor called the state a ‘freedom oasis.’ Like if I put a Starbucks sign above my apartment door, I can’t be mad when people show up and try to take a [expletive] in my bathroom.” — TREVOR NOAH“But let’s be clear here: Covid is not over, all right? Some random dude can’t declare the end of the pandemic by dressing up like the Joker and making it rain. It’s not a thing. Only Anthony Fauci can declare the end of the pandemic by dressing up like the Joker and making it rain.” — TREVOR NOAH“But still, there’s no reason that you can’t celebrate spring break and wear a mask. It could be part of the fun. I mean, just think how sexy a wet mask contest could be, hmm? I mean, we haven’t seen mouths in a year — what’s under there?” — TREVOR NOAH“And if we learned anything from Miami, this is just a preview of how much everyone is going to get loose once the pandemic is truly over. People have been locked up for too long. Once it ends, everyone’s going to be drinking and partying, hooking up with everyone. It’s going to be so much that it’s going to create the next worldwide virus. Yeah, guys are going to be waking up in bed next to a bat like, ‘Uh-oh, I think I did it again.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Biden’s Trip Edition)“Our new president is on a roll, baby. Nothing can stop him now — except stairs.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He’s facing a lot of challenges in his first 100 days — the vaccine rollout, the crisis at the border, and what happened to Ms. Frizzle. Whew. But over the weekend, he faced his biggest challenge yet: staying upright.” — TREVOR NOAH“I’m sorry, guys, I honestly can’t believe that this happened. The president got knocked over by wind. This is going to be the first president where the Secret Service needs to carry around paperweights: ‘Hold on, sir, hold on. We got you, we got you — someone sneezed.’“ — TREVOR NOAH“He’s fine! Can we blame it on his dog, Major? No? Do it anyway.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s not like this just happened to Joe Biden, all right? It happens all the time. Biden tripped, Obama tripped, Mike Pence tripped. And the reason isn’t because they’re old — the reason is because they were running up and down stairs. You shouldn’t do that.” — TREVOR NOAH“That would never happen in Africa. I mean, mostly because our presidents fly commercial and they have to wait for their boarding group to be called, but you get what I mean.” — TREVOR NOAH“The point is we don’t think about it because we use stairs so much, all right? Nobody thinks about it, but stairs are basically an obstacle course. You take one wrong step and you’re going to eat [expletive]. And that’s one thing — one thing that my man Trump understood. You love him or hate him, but you’ve got to treat stairs with respect. He understood that. You walk up slowly, you hold the banister and you swear to God that if he lets you survive this, you will never walk up stairs ever again.” — TREVOR NOAH“It’s interesting — I feel like they’re the opposite with stairs and Covid. Like with Covid, Trump took no precautions; Biden took every precaution. But on stairs or ramps, Trump’s super careful, always holding the railing, going real slow. Whereas Biden throws caution to the wind, trips upstairs three times. So it’s interesting, you know? It just shows we all contain multitudes.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah looked into the gender disparities taking place as part of this year’s March Madness basketball tournament.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightMegan Mullally and Nick Offerman will catch up with Seth Meyers on Tuesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutPep band players can be some of the biggest basketball fans in the arena.Harry How/Getty ImagesOne noticeable difference for March Madness this year: no live bands. More

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      Stephen Colbert Is Skeptical of Putin’s Best Wishes for Biden

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      “That is ominous,” Colbert said of Vladimir Putin’s wishing the president “good health” on Thursday. “But then again, when Putin says anything, it kind of sounds ominous.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.From Putin, With LovePresident Vladimir V. Putin of Russia responded to President Biden’s comments this week about his being a killer by saying on Thursday that “it takes one to know one” and that he wished Biden “good health,” clarifying that it was without irony or insinuation.Stephen Colbert took glee in the trading of barbs, saying, “Someone dust off Dolph Lundgren and get him hunting for Red October because the Cold War is back on, baby, and this time we’re gonna waterboard Billy Joel until he tells us who started the fire.”“Putin is famous for being a killer. It’s kind of his thing, along with horses and nipples.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So not going with a denial. Interesting.” — JAMES CORDEN“He’s killed so many people that in 2017, The Washington Post was able to publish a list of 10 critics of Vladimir Putin who died violently or in suspicious ways. His greatest hits are hits.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“As if the pandemic wasn’t enough, let’s throw in tension with a nuclear enemy into the mix.” — JIMMY FALLON“That is ominous. But then again, when Putin says anything, it kind of sounds ominous.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Putin has poisoned infector sushi, he’s thrown journalists out of windows, he’s tried to assassinate his most vocal domestic critic, Aleksei Navalny, by putting the lethal nerve agent Novichok in his underpants. It was an episode of Putin’s prank show, ‘Murdered.’”— STEPHEN COLBERT“But it is funny that Putin had to clarify that he is not joking when he wishes Biden good health. Because, let’s face it: The man has killed so many people, everybody assumes that is what he means.” — TREVOR NOAH“In other words, if you know what’s good for you, don’t drink the chamomile tea.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (March Madness Edition)“The N.C.A.A. March Madness basketball tournament began today, and it’s extra exciting because there was no tournament last year. So this is my first chance in two years to get furious at 19-year-olds I hadn’t heard of five minutes ago.” — SETH MEYERS“This is the year that answers the question, ‘How do you have an office pool when there’s no one at the office?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, everyone is doing their office pools. Of course, this year that means it’s you against your wife, your 2-year-old and your dog. ‘Rusty, you picked Gonzaga, too?’” — JIMMY FALLON“President Obama went out on a limb. He took No. 1 seed Gonzaga to go all the way, which is interesting when you consider that Gonzaga, as I have pointed out in the past, is not even a school. it doesn’t exist — it’s imaginary. They made it up to win basketball tournaments. It’s a pretend place. It’s like Wakanda for white people.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingMichelle Obama and Jimmy Fallon crashed random Zoom meetings on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutCynthia Erivo, a Grammy and Tony winner, portrays Aretha Franklin in Season 3 of “Genius,” including all the singing.Richard Ducree/National Geographic, via Associated PressCynthia Erivo shines as the soul singer Aretha Franklin in Season 3 of National Geographic’s bio-anthology “Genius: Aretha.” More

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      Late Night Gets Serious About the Georgia Shootings

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      “Your murder speaks louder than your words,” Trevor Noah said of the man accused of killing eight people, most of them women of Asian descent.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘We Saw It Coming’The hosts got serious on Wednesday, addressing the shootings in the Atlanta area that killed eight people, most of them women of Asian descent. Trevor Noah said angrily that America saw this coming.“And what’s been sad about the story is not just the loss of life, but all of the auxiliary things that have been happening around the story, you know?” Noah said. “Like one of the first things that’s been the most frustrating for me is seeing the shooter say, ‘Oh, it wasn’t racism; it was sex addiction.’ First of all, [expletive] you, man. You killed six Asian people. Specifically, you went there. If there is anyone who’s racist, it is a [expletive] who killed six Asian women. Your murder speaks louder than your words.”“And you know, in a way, what makes it even more painful is that we saw it coming. We see these things happening. People have been warning. People in the Asian community have been tweeting, saying: ‘Please, help us. We’re getting punched in the street. We’re getting slurs written on our doors. We’re getting people coming up to us to say, “Thanks for Covid; thanks for spoiling the world! Thanks!”’ We are seeing this happening, and while we’re fighting for it, there are many people who have been like, ‘Oh, stop being so woke, so dramatic. Kung flu, come on, ha ha ha, ha ha ha, ha ha ha! It’s just a joke.’ Yeah, it’s a joke that comes at one of the most tense times in human history.” — TREVOR NOAH“Why are people so invested in solving the symptoms instead of the cause? America does this time and time again. A country that wants to fight the symptoms and not the underlying conditions that cause those symptoms to take effect — racism, misogyny, gun violence, mental illness. And, honestly, this incident might have been all of those things combined, because it doesn’t have to be one thing on its own; America is a rich tapestry of mass-shooting motivations.” — TREVOR NOAHStephen Colbert tied the shootings to the larger issues about immigration that the United States continues to face.“The only answer that comes to mind is a simple but strangely difficult one these days, and that’s not to hate each other, to recognize our common humanity; to acknowledge that we’re a nation of immigrants. We might believe different things, we might not look the same, but we’re all Americans. We share a common belief that all men are created equal, and it is that belief itself that makes people want to come here.” — STEPHEN COLBERTAnd on “The Late Late Show,” James Corden said the killings were a consequence of hateful speech.“When you think about the casual racism that’s been pervasive over the past 12 months, then we can start to see the link between language and action. There are real consequences to repeatedly hearing hateful speech. People get hurt and people die. This mass murder is the product of a system that repeatedly leaves women of color and sex workers in a place where they are invisible. They are vulnerable and targeted. Identifying these actions as a hate crime isn’t just about semantics. And because this is a hate crime, it falls on all of us to address the hate.” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (Rotten Potatoes Edition)“Well, guys, I want to start off by wishing everyone a very happy St. Patrick’s Day. Yep, instead of Pfizer and Moderna, people just stayed home and did shots of Jameson.” — JIMMY FALLON“Today is March 17, which means it’s St. Patrick’s Day. It is the day Irish people say, ‘Kiss me, I’m Irish,’ and people say, ‘No, you’re not, Governor Cuomo, stop that.’” — TREVOR NOAH“It’s a big day for me, since I’m Irish. I’m a Colbert, I’m a Tuck, I’m a Fee, I’m a Conley, I’m a Tormie, I’m an O’Neill. In fact, I scored 100 percent on Rotten Potatoes.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Because of the pandemic, St. Patrick’s Day is very different this year. For instance, here in New York, they couldn’t hold the normal parade. They just had a small one to keep the tradition technically alive. And to ensure no crowds would show up, organizers invited Bill de Blasio.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yep, all day we got to play a fun game: Drunk Co-worker or Bad Zoom Connection.” — JIMMY FALLON“St. Patrick’s Day during Covid is pretty strange. You’ve got to stay six feet apart, or as Irish dads call it, hugging.” — JIMMY FALLON“My question is, is it really St. Patrick’s Day if I can’t watch a guy on Fifth Avenue puke into a green hat at 8 a.m., you know? I mean, are we really celebrating when I can’t see a subway grate blow a kilt over a man’s head?” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee opened “Full Frontal” with a look into the recent rise in violence against women.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightJustin Bieber will talk to James Corden on Thursday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutWilliam Singer, a central figure in the college admissions scandal that is the subject of “Operation Varsity Blues.”Netflix The new Netflix documentary “Operation Varsity Blues” delves into the headline-making 2019 college admissions bribery scandal. More

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      Trevor Noah: Andrew Cuomo Is ‘the Only Person Who Wishes It Was Still 2020’

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightTrevor Noah: Andrew Cuomo Is ‘the Only Person Who Wishes It Was Still 2020’“At some point we’re going to find out the Statue of Liberty only holds that torch so she can fend him off,” Noah said Monday of sexual misconduct allegations against the New York governor.“A.O.C. wants him to resign, Schumer wants him to resign, his brother renamed his CNN show from ‘Cuomo Primetime’ to ‘It’s Just Chris, O.K.? It’s Just Chris,’” Trevor Noah joked.Credit…Comedy CentralMarch 16, 2021Updated 3:14 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Cuomo’s CancellationSeveral lawmakers publicly asked Gov. Andrew Cuomo, Democrat of New York, to resign after six women accused him of sexual misconduct. On Monday night’s “Daily Show,” Trevor Noah referred to Cuomo as “the only person who wishes it was still 2020.”“Bullying and groping women, a ‘Mad Men’ office culture and pushing women to wear dresses and heels? I mean it sounds like Cuomo basically thought of himself like a bouncer outside a nightclub, which is convenient for him, because that might be his job in a couple of months.” — TREVOR NOAH“And practically every day now there are more and more accusations piling up. It’s getting so bad that he’s going to have to bring back his PowerPoint slides just to track the harassment claims.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean just in the past couple of weeks we’ve heard about him harassing staffers, journalists, wedding guests — it seems like no women in New York were safe from this guy. At some point we’re going to find out the Statue of Liberty only holds that torch so she can fend him off.” — TREVOR NOAH“First of all, you know you’re in a bad spot when even Chuck Schumer calls on you to resign. That dude doesn’t do anything hastily. Before he makes any decision, he has to have at least four brow furrows and inch his glasses down to the tip of his nose.” — SETH MEYERS“Second, so many Democrats have called on Cuomo to resign that at this point it’s easier to ask who hasn’t done so: ‘Good news, Governor, the Oswego County Commissioner for Water and Sewer Services is standing by us. Wait, nope, sorry, he said you should resign. Somebody call the Schenectady Parks Department — they’ll never turn on us!’” — SETH MEYERS“A.O.C. wants him to resign, Schumer wants him to resign, his brother renamed his CNN show from ‘Cuomo Primetime’ to ‘It’s Just Chris, OK? It’s Just Chris.’” — TREVOR NOAH“All right, first of all, can we now agree the term ‘cancel culture’ is officially meaningless? He’s using the same line as the people who spent the last three weeks getting mad about the Muppets, Mr. Potato Head, and Looney Tunes.” — SETH MEYERS“But yes, Andrew Cuomo thinks that holding him to account for his actions is cancel culture, which is obviously making people pretty angry — especially nursing home residents. They’re like ‘[Expletive], you canceled Gladys!’” — TREVOR NOAH“And I have to be honest, if this is cancel culture, well then I have no idea what cancel culture means any more. I guess it’s about letting Dr. Seuss’s books be racist but also not letting politicians get away with sexual harassment. Cancel culture feels a lot like watching ‘WandaVision.’ Every time I think I get what it’s about, the next scene is like ‘Now it’s about a purple witch who is only pretend possessed?’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Oscar Nominations Edition)“Earlier this morning, the nominations were announced for the 93rd Academy Awards. This year’s Oscars air on April 25, two months later than usual, because if anything’s good for ratings, it’s a four-hour award show about online movies that came out a year ago.” — JIMMY FALLON“The Netflix film ‘Mank’ led the way with 10 nominations. That’s basically one nomination for every time you paused ‘Mank’ to check Instagram on your phone.” — JIMMY FALLON“The most nominated film with 10 nods was ‘Mank,’ which is the true story of how Herman J. Mankiewicz wrote the screenplay for ‘Citizen Kane.’ That’s right, it’s a movie about another movie. Because there’s nothing Hollywood loves more than itself.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But here’s some good news: This year’s Oscar nominees are the most diverse ever. Meanwhile, Golden Globes voters were like, ‘A lot of our best friends are diverse.’” — JIMMY FALLON“This year’s nominees are the most diverse, as opposed to the usual Oscar nominees, which look like the crowd at a Steely Dan concert inside a Pinkberry.” — JIMMY FALLON“The Academy also announced that the ceremony will take place partially from Union Station this year in Los Angeles, which is where all the trains converge. That’s exciting. This means this year Gary Oldman might accept an Oscar on a caboose.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingCorrespondent Jaboukie Young-White looked into some popular misconceptions about the Covid-19 vaccine for Monday’s “The Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightMichelle Obama will talk about her new Netflix series, “Waffles + Mochi,” on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutThe director Chloé Zhao, the director of photography Joshua James Richards and Frances McDormand filming “Nomadland.”Credit…Searchlight Pictures/HuluThis year’s Oscar nods include a history-making turn for Chloé Zhao, the first Chinese woman and first woman of color to be nominated for Best Director.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Jimmy Fallon: Ron Johnson Could Replace Ted Cruz as Most Hated Senator

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightJimmy Fallon: Ron Johnson Could Replace Ted Cruz as Most Hated SenatorThe “Tonight Show” host joked that the Wisconsin Republican could be more detested for at least the 10 hours that Senate clerks read the 628-page stimulus bill aloud, as Johnson demanded.“On the bright side, after he causes a 10-hour delay, Johnson will immediately get a job offer from Delta,” Jimmy Fallon joked.Credit…NBCMarch 5, 2021, 2:27 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.10 Hours, 628 PagesThe new stimulus bill was being held up in the Senate this week after Senator Ron Johnson, Republican of Wisconsin, demanded clerks read all 628 pages out loud.“Yeah, this means for 10 hours, Ted Cruz wasn’t the most hated senator in Congress,” Jimmy Fallon joked on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”“To make it feel even longer, Johnson hired Gilbert Gottfried to do the reading.” — JIMMY FALLON“You really think that’s going to be a deterrent? We’ve all been in quarantine for a year. I’ve done things that are a lot less exciting than listening to a bill get read aloud for 10 hours.” — SETH MEYERS“That takes guts. Reminds me of the classic film ‘Mr. Smith Forces Senate Clerks to Go to Washington.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Perhaps it’s just Ron Johnson’s way of telling us he can’t read. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Senator. We’re sending LeVar Burton.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The 600-page bill will be read aloud in the Senate for 10 hours. This is the political equivalent of making someone come to your improv show.” — JAMES CORDEN“I’m going to wait until it’s adapted on Netflix. I’ll watch it then, you know?” — JAMES CORDEN“And to all the hungry kids out there, be patient. Ron Johnson is making a symbolic point. You can eat tomorrow or maybe next week — whatever.” — TREVOR NOAH“The only thing built up more than this bill is Oprah’s interview with Meghan Markle.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Not Again Edition)“Today, you know, was supposed to be a big one for the aluminum foil hat crowd.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Because the inauguration used to be on March 4, according to Q-spiracy theorists, today was the day the former POTUS would be restored to the presidency. That did not happen, but he was restored as customer of the month at the Palm Beach KFC/Taco Bell.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to not trust my QAnon message boards.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“These conspiracy aficionados picked the date March 4 because it is the date on which presidents used to be inaugurated in the olden times, which is so random. March 4 is also the anniversary of the first People’s Choice Awards. And by the way, the people chose Joe Biden, so I don’t know. Just get off the Q and call your children — they’re worried about you.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Again? Come on, Q-bees. Remember what Einstein said: ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. Also, QAnon. Those people are [expletive] crazy.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, were these plans ever real? Who knows. But out of an abundance of caution, the House canceled today’s legislative session. It’s kind of like a domestic terrorism snow day in that they’re both dangerous and white.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah shared a brief history of first ladies in a “Daily Show” recurring segment, “If You Don’t Know Now You Know.”Also, Check This OutAdam Scott in “Party Down,” which is being brought back for a six-episode limited series.Credit…StarzStarz is reviving its short-lived cult comedy hit “Party Down” for six new episodes.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Stephen Colbert: QAnon Supporters Suffer From ‘March Madness’

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightStephen Colbert: QAnon Supporters Suffer From ‘March Madness’Colbert poked fun at the group’s latest conspiracy theory that March 4 would be Donald Trump’s true Inauguration Day.“I see patterns where none exist,” Stephen Colbert said, imitating QAnon conspiracy theorists.Credit…CBSMarch 4, 2021, 2:04 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Clinically Insane’Security is being ramped up in Washington, D.C., as law enforcement officials fear more violence based on a QAnon conspiracy theory alleging that March 4 will be Inauguration Day for Donald Trump.“Now, I’m no psychologist, but you could say they’re suffering from ‘March Madness,’” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday night. “Also, they’re clinically insane.”“You see, Q followers were heartbroken on Inauguration Day, which was supposed to be the day that the ‘storm’ came that would keep their guy actually in office. So they’ve moved the date of the storm — when all the arrests and the celebrities and the Democrats happen — to March 4, which was the date of presidential inaugurations up until 1933. [Imitating QAnon follower] ‘Yes, follow me down the rabbit hole. They ended it in 1933, but add up one, nine, three, three. Add up one plus six, you get seven. What is seven? Three plus four — three, four, March 4th, when we shall march forth! [Whispers] I see patterns where none exist.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“How many more times are these people gonna prepare for a victory that doesn’t come? I don’t know who ‘Q’ is, but he’s definitely a Clippers fan.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Still, where there’s a will, there’s a way to cash in, because the former president’s hotel in Washington, D.C., has been jacking up prices around March 4. Sounds cynical, but they are offering premium services: If you’re exhausted from travel, you can just call the front desk and ask the concierge to hang Mike Pence.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Oh, man, what a grift. Honestly, I don’t even blame Trump. If I was him, I would milk the [expletive] out of this thing. I’d be charging my guests for things that they didn’t even buy: ‘Wait a minute — I never bought the Toblerone.’ [Imitating Trump] ‘I guess the Dems stole that, too. I feel your pain.’” — TREVOR NOAH“In a way, I understand — the deeper you fall into something, the less you want to admit you were duped, you know? Which makes you even more desperate to keep the fantasy going. I mean, that’s why I’m sure that the next Kanye album is gonna be great again. It has to be great.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Big Hats, No Masks Edition)“After Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced yesterday that he was lifting coronavirus restrictions, California Governor Gavin Newsom tweeted, ‘Absolutely reckless,’ but I don’t think it helped that he tweeted it from the French Laundry.” — SETH MEYERS“Businesses are now completely open and even the mask mandate has been lifted, to which most Texans replied, ’What mask mandate?’” — JAMES CORDEN“Corona’s not over yet. I mean, Texas is still getting over 7,000 new cases a day, but their governor got vaccinated and now he’s like, ‘Get those clubs back open — I’ma get lit. Aw yeah!’” — TREVOR NOAH“You know Governor DeSantis from Florida is like: ‘Oh. Oh snap. Oh, oh! You’re gonna try to out- Florida Florida?’”— JIMMY FALLON“Texans were like, ‘Fix our electrical grid!’ And the governor’s like, ‘OK, no masks it is.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Plus, I’ve got to be honest: I’m surprised politicians that are so pro-cowboy hat find masks uncomfortable. Maybe it’s my weak neck, but I’d rather wear 100 masks than one of those big old hats.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee explored whether women can “have it all” during a pandemic.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightSacha Baron Cohen, the star of “Borat,” will appear on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“I felt I was born with an absence of some sort, and I think that I’ve spent much of my life trying to fill that void,” said Derek DelGaudio, addressing a major theme in his new book.Credit…Calla Kessler for The New York TimesFans of the magician Derek DelGaudio’s theater show “In & Of Itself” should appreciate all the magic in his memoir, “Amoralman.”AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Late Night Recaps CPAC and the Golden Globes

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightLate Night Recaps CPAC and the Golden GlobesThe conference was billed as the largest and most influential gathering of conservatives in the world, Stephen Colbert said on Monday. “That’s if you don’t count their last gathering” at the Capitol. “It was a Murderers’ Row of people who were OK with Mike Pence being murdered,” Stephen Colbert said of the CPAC lineup.Credit…CBSMarch 2, 2021Updated 3:00 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.PAC of LiesThe hosts shared some of their favorite bits from the weekend’s Conservative Political Action Conference, the annual assembly of the American right. Among the featured speakers was former President Donald Trump, who attacked his successor and insisted that he won the 2020 election. “This weekend was the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, billed as ‘the largest and most influential gathering of conservatives in the world.’ That’s if you don’t count their last gathering.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I watched CPAC and ‘WandaVision’ this weekend, and I’m not sure which characters are living in a more warped reality.” — TREVOR NOAH“South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem attacked Anthony Fauci, Representative Matt Gaetz attacked Mr. Potato Head, and the C.E.O. of Goya Beans said Donald Trump is still the ‘real, legitimate and actual president of the United States.’ Now he can get away with saying that because what are you going to do — buy generic black beans?” — TREVOR NOAH“It was a Murderers’ Row of people who were OK with Mike Pence being murdered.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The headliner of the weekend was the former president. His speech was pretty light on substance and energy, but there was one major revelation: He told the audience that he would not start a third party. Of course he isn’t going to start a new political party — he already owns one.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yep, it was 90 minutes of rambling followed by Trump supporters storming Epcot.” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump said ‘Did you miss me?’ which is literally what every movie villain says when they come back.” — JAMES CORDEN“As you would expect, the crowd to see Trump was very white. They basically made the Hollywood Foreign Press look like the cast of ‘One Night in Miami.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Golden Globes At Home Edition)“The Golden Globes are the opposite of CPAC in every way, except for they don’t have any Black people on the board. That’s what they have in common — otherwise they are very different.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know you’ve got representation problems when the Proud Boys have more Black members than you.” — TREVOR NOAH“Explains why in past years they’ve given Golden Globes to ‘Green Book’ and Hellman’s.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It was kind of fun to see where celebrities set up their zoom. Some were in their living room, others were in their study — Jeff Daniels was in the door section of Home Depot, apparently.” — JIMMY FALLON“You know, some celebrities spend their money on fancy cars and jewelry; Jeff Daniels spends his money on doors. I respect the hell out of that.” — TREVOR NOAH“This year’s looks ran the gamut from Cynthia Erivo in Valentino and Nicole Kidman in Louis Vuitton all the way to Jason Sudeikis in tie-dye hoodie. You can shop Jason Sudeikis’s look by digging into the bottom of your hamper and then taking that edible you’ve been saving for an emergency.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The 78th Golden Globe Awards were held last night after being delayed for nearly two months by the coronavirus pandemic, though you didn’t have to wait the whole two months in front of your computer, Al Pacino.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon and John Legend performed their timely new tune “March Again” on “The Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe comedian and actor Fortune Feimster will appear on Tuesday’s “A Little Late With Lilly Singh.”Also, Check This Out“Biggie: I Got a Story to Tell” is mainly a prehistory of the Notorious B.I.G.Credit…NetflixA new Netflix documentary chronicles Christopher Wallace’s rise from the streets to becoming the rapper Biggie Smalls, otherwise known as the Notorious B.I.G.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More