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      Late Night Talks Tom Brady’s Retirement

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      “You know you’ve been around a long time when you debuted the same year as ‘The Thong Song,’” Jimmy Fallon joked on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bye-Bye, BradyQuarterback Tom Brady officially announced his retirement from the N.F.L. on Tuesday, writing on Instagram that other things require his attention.“Man, when they said everyone is quitting their jobs during the pandemic, they meant everybody,” Jimmy Fallon joked.“Other things that require my attention? That’s a weird reason to retire. It sounds like he’s got, like, household chores: ‘I’ve loved playing in the N.F.L. but I’ve got 20 years of laundry piling up, so, it’s time to call it quits.’” — TREVOR NOAH“What he’s accomplished is amazing: 22 years in the league, seven Super Bowl victories, five M.V.P. trophies, and all while eating just one almond a day.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“A quarterback retiring at 44 is like the rest of us retiring from our jobs at 95.”— JIMMY KIMMEL“Brady’s now in his mid-40s, jobless and has no real traditional work experience, so he’s going to fit right in in Florida.” — JAMES CORDEN“So Tom Brady did a lot for the Patriots and for Tampa and the sport of football, but he’s also done a lot for goats. You know, people don’t mention, before they were associated with him, they were like the twelfth-most popular farm animal.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Now, if we’re being honest, this retirement isn’t a surprise to anyone, right? What is surprising is that at 44 years old, this dude was still dominating the N.F.L. Think about it: the N.F.L., where people car accident each other for a living, and this guy was doing that in his 40s. Most people I know in their 40s are, like, ‘Ah! Ah! My back hurts — I think I slept too long.’” — TREVOR NOAH“But this is amazing. Brady is walking away with the most Super Bowl appearances, wins and M.V.P.s. It’s strange to say, but he’s basically the N.F.L.’s Meryl Streep.” — JIMMY FALLON“And now that he’s put up his cleats, the question is, was Tom Brady the best football player of all time? Some people say yes because he holds all the records and won the most Super Bowls. Other people say, ‘No, because he didn’t do that for my team!’ So it will be a big debate for a while.’”— TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Shredded Edition)“So you know how Trump had to hand over all his records related to Jan. 6? Well, when the documents, when they finally handed them over — they were forced to — many of them had been torn into pieces and had to be taped back together. They’d been personally ripped up by Trump. The National Archive didn’t explain how they know they were ripped up by Trump. My guess is tiny little barbecue sauce fingerprints.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Sounds like during the pandemic, the people at the National Archives also got into puzzles.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, it violates the Presidential Records Act to tear up official documents, but the former president had a very good reason: He was afraid of going to jail.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Trump had such a habit of ripping up important documents, they had to hire people whose job was to tape them back together. I love that Robert Mueller couldn’t get him, but Trump might finally get brought down by a roll of Scotch tape.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“According to White House advisers, he once ate a sensitive document. He would have eaten more sensitive documents, but he ran out of ranch.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah and the “Daily Show” correspondent Ronny Chieng dug into the hot trend of green burials.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightMartha Stewart will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutA scene from “Marry Me,” featuring Jennifer Lopez and Owen Wilson as her love interest.Universal PicturesJennifer Lopez is back on the big screen with the romantic comedy “Marry Me.” More

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      Late Night Celebrates One Year of President Biden

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      “A year ago, Biden pledged to address Covid, the economy, climate change and racial injustice. And good news — after 12 months of tireless effort, we’re all getting three free masks,” Jimmy Fallon said.Welcome to the Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.One Long YearThursday marked the end of President Biden’s first year in the White House.“When asked what he’s learned, Biden said, ‘Being vice president was a hell of a lot more fun,’” Jimmy Fallon joked.“President Biden said yesterday that his first year in office has been ‘a year of challenges,’ but he’d rather focus on the positives, like your Covid test.” — SETH MEYERS“It seems like just yesterday our democracy was being held hostage by a cabal of obstructionists who didn’t want every vote counted. Oh, wait, that was yesterday.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“A year ago, Biden pledged to address Covid, the economy, climate change and racial injustice. And good news — after 12 months of tireless effort, we’re all getting three free masks.” — JIMMY FALLON“President Biden yesterday held a 1 hour 51 minute press conference. It was the first thing Americans actually wished Joe Manchin had stopped.” — SETH MEYERS“A lot of people are disappointed with President Biden. His approval rating just reached a new low after his press conference yesterday. The press conference was a success in that he went nearly two hours without having to pee.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He promised no malarkey, but lawyers made him change it to ‘produced in a facility that also processes malarkey.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Unvoting Voting Edition)“Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema believe so strongly in the power of voting that they use their vote to block voting rights for the entire country. They were unvoting voting by voting.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean, say what you will about the Democrats, but never has a party been on a hotter streak of getting absolutely nothing done.” — JAMES CORDEN“The big takeaway is the people you voted for, voted to make it harder for you to vote.” — JAMES CORDEN“Republicans want to add restrictions to voting because they are worried about voter fraud, even though it’s almost completely nonexistent, voter fraud. Hey, you know what? You guys believe climate change is nonexistent, right? How about coming up with some restrictions for that? Let’s compromise on this.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You can’t compromise with the side that’s doing the damage. When you’re putting out a fire, you don’t call the Fire Department and the arsonist, and see what they can work out together.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden talked with Rachel Brosnahan and Ed Helms about the celebrities they are frequently mistaken for on Thursday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutImages from the Barbed-Wire Kisses panel at the 1992 Sundance Film Festival.Sandria Miller for Sundance InstituteThis year’s Sundance marks 30 years since the festival held its first panel on New Queer Cinema, a sea change for L.G.B.T.Q. film. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Not Surprised by Trump Fraud Allegations

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      “The walls appear to be closing in on Trump — big, beautiful walls,” Kimmel said, as new details emerged from an investigation into the ex-president’s family business.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Male Pattern Fraudness’Late-night hosts were not surprised to hear that New York State’s attorney general, Letitia James, is accusing Donald Trump’s family business of repeatedly misrepresenting the value of its assets.“One year ago today, Donald Trump was still in the White House, throwing chicken nuggets at the TV, and one year from today, he could be in jail,” Jimmy Kimmel said.“According to documents filed by the attorney general in New York last night, they’ve uncovered evidence that indicates the Trump Organization repeatedly engaged in ‘fraudulent or misleading’ practices. The walls appear to be closing in on Trump — big, beautiful walls.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“James says that her office has uncovered significant evidence that the former president fraudulently valued multiple assets, including his own private residence. He claimed the triplex apartment was 30,000 square feet in size, but the actual size was just under 11,000 square feet. Yeah, that’s no surprise — he’s known for falsely tripling the size of his assets.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know how when people are shocked, they spit out their water? When I heard Donald Trump exaggerated the value of his assets for the purposes of lying to banks and the I.R.S., it was so the reverse of shocking, I sucked the water back into my mouth.” — SETH MEYERS“But this is nice, they’re interviewing Donald Jr., Ivanka, and have already talked to Eric, making this the first time Tiffany was happy to be excluded.” — JAMES CORDEN“But it’s a fairly straightforward case. To find fraud in a business, you just have to look for the signs — particularly the signs at the top of the building that say ‘Trump’ on them — and you will find it there. There is where you will find his male pattern fraudness.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I mean, at the same time, Donald Trump does not give a [expletive]. Let’s be honest: This dude will brag about himself even if it gets him in trouble. I bet when a cop asks him if he knows how fast he was going, he’s like, ‘Yeah, I do, 400 billion miles a second, the fastest anyone has ever gone. I was so fast. So fast.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (How Long Was It? Edition)“President Biden today gave his first press conference in a long time, and it went on for a long time. It may be still going, I don’t know.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It comes one day before his presidency hits the one-year mark, and he used the opportunity to highlight his administration’s key successes — successes such as vaccinating millions of Americans, low unemployment, and casually hooking up with Pete Davidson.” — JAMES CORDEN“And this was smart: to make Biden look good, they had the C.D.C. director go out first and open for him.” — JIMMY FALLON“The press conference kicked off at 4 p.m. You can tell it was really important for Biden because that’s right in the middle of dinner.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, it was his first formal press conference at the White House since March of last year. In Biden’s defense, that one just wrapped up a few days ago.” — JIMMY FALLON“For almost two hours, Biden took question after question about Russia, Covid, voter rights. He really got into why Denny’s breakfast menu is so sticky all the time.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The president took a lot of questions, too many questions. You know how at the end of most press conferences, the reporters are yelling ‘Mr. President, Mr. President!’? At the end of this one, they were like, ‘Goodbye. We’re good. We got plenty.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Wednesday’s “Tonight Show,” Christine Baranski said fans who mistake her for her sophisticated characters wouldn’t believe how loud she gets when watching the Buffalo Bills.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightTwitter legend Dionne Warwick will pop by Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutSince the Trump mask incident, Griffin has been trying to make her way back, brushing up against obstacles like partisan rage, sexism, pill addiction, lung cancer and her own reputation.Chantal Anderson for The New York TimesKathy Griffin’s career hasn’t recovered from a 2017 Trump joke, and now she’s hoping to find her way back onto the D-list. More

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      Trevor Noah Doesn’t Trust the At-Home Covid Tests

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      “We’re just going to test ourselves for antigens? Is that before or after we mess up the directions on an Easy Mac?” Noah said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Waiting for the MailThe Biden administration’s new website allowing Americans to order free at-home Covid tests quietly went live on Tuesday. Tests will ship within seven to 12 days.“It’s great that tests are finally going to be available to everyone — but seven to 12 days?” Trevor Noah said. “You don’t think that’s a little too long in a pandemic? I mean, every day is precious. Every single day is precious in a pandemic. If anyone should know that, it’s Joe Biden.”“You know, I can’t help but think if America took a military approach to Covid, this testing thing would be solved like that. [snaps] Because there’s no delays when it comes to the American military. America doesn’t need bombs and then start building them — America always has bombs ready to go.” — TREVOR NOAH“Although, to be honest with you, I don’t know if I trust at-home tests. We’re just going to test ourselves for antigens? Is that before or after we mess up the directions on an Easy Mac?” — TREVOR NOAH“Free Covid tests by mail. What a great idea if this was a year ago.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know, Biden’s original plan was you send in a bunch of cereal box tops, but that didn’t work.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You get four tests per household, which is great news for people who live alone and literally no one else.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Because what if you have a family of five? Do you start ranking your children?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Vaccine Influencer Edition)“We’ve seen a lot of people making a case for vaccination, from Dr. Fauci to Olivia Rodrigo to Arnold Schwarzenegger — all of them. But my opinion is that no living person has made a more compelling argument to get the shot than this news commentator from Mexico. His name is Leonardo Schwebel. He cleared all possible language barriers to make his case.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Mucho bueno! Well done, Leonardo Schwebel. I may make that my ring tone.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s nice to know that whatever country you’re from, we all speak the universal language of [expletive] this [expletive].” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yes! You know that’s how Dr. Fauci feels on the inside.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden shared his experience of testing positive for Covid recently and how his staff took having two weeks off-air.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightJudi Dench, the award-winning actress starring in “Belfast,” will make her first “Late Night” appearance on Wednesday.Also, Check This OutJon Batiste is up for the most awards at the 2022 Grammys, with 11 nominations.Caitlin Ochs/ReutersAfter being delayed because of Covid, this year’s Grammy Awards will take place in Las Vegas on April 3. More

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      ‘Late Late Show’ Cancels Tapings After James Corden Tests Positive

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      The CBS host said he felt “completely fine” after testing positive for the coronavirus. The program set a schedule of reruns through Jan. 17.James Corden joined the ranks of late-night TV hosts who have recently tested positive for the coronavirus, disclosing his diagnosis on Thursday as tapings of his CBS program, “The Late Late Show,” were halted for the next several days.Corden said in a social media post on Thursday, “I just tested positive for covid 19. I’m fully vaccinated, boosted and because of this am fortunate enough to say I feel completely fine. The show will be off the air for the next few days. Stay safe everyone. All my love, James x.”A programming schedule released by CBS on Thursday indicated that “The Late Late Show,” which is recorded in Los Angeles, would air repeat broadcasts starting Thursday night and running through Jan. 17.Corden’s announcement came two days after Seth Meyers, the host of NBC’s “Late Night,” said that he had tested positive and halted tapings of his show. Jimmy Fallon, the host of “The Tonight Show” on NBC, said that he had tested positive for coronavirus during a holiday break, but has since returned to the program this week.Ian Karmel, a head writer for “The Late Late Show,” joked about Corden in a Twitter post on Thursday: “I told him it was hacky to do this after Fallon and Seth both did it, but whatever,” Karmel wrote.“Saturday Night Live,” which like “The Tonight Show” and “Late Night” is produced at NBC’s headquarters in New York, ran its 2021 year-end episode without a studio audience, a musical guest or many of its cast members amid concerns about Covid. NBC said on Thursday that “S.N.L.” will resume live episodes on Jan. 15.Stephen Colbert told his audience earlier this week that he intended to continue hosting CBS’s flagship “Late Show” from the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York for as long as possible.“It’s a privilege to do this show,” Colbert said on the program, “and if I do get it, I promise you, I will not be doing my show.” More

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      Late Night Is Thrilled Trump’s Finally Listening to Someone

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      Advisers told the former president to push his Jan. 6 news conference to a date that would draw less attention to a low point of his presidency. “So, every day of his presidency?” Stephen Colbert joked.Welcome to the Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Lowest of the LowFormer President Donald Trump called off his ill-timed news conference scheduled for Thursday, the anniversary of the Jan. 6 Capitol riot — or, as Stephen Colbert joked on Wednesday night, “that horrible day when millions of Americans stared at the TV in shock and grief and said, ‘Ah, crap, is that Uncle Dave?’”“Apparently, the real reason he canceled the event is because ‘some advisers urged the former president to reschedule for a day that would draw less attention to a low point of his presidency.’ So, every day of his presidency?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The solemnity of the day was in danger of being undermined by former President ‘My Little Phony.’ Two weeks ago, he announced that at the time of the Capitol prayer service, he planned to deliver remarks doubling down on the ‘big lie’ to counterprogram the remembrance events. Yeah, you can’t let remembrance events go on without counterprogramming. The same reason at a funeral you’ve got to bring out an insult comic for the people who are glad the guy’s dead: [Imitating comic] ‘John looks good. It’s the first time I’ve seen him stiff in years! Oh! His wife knows what I’m talking about. Anyway, that’s my time. His, too! Tip your pallbearers.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It would be like Judas giving a speech to commemorate Good Friday: [Imitating Judas] ‘Sure, it’s a sad day, but without me, none of this would’ve happened. The real crucifixion was on Nov. 3 — Mary Magdalene knows what I’m talkin’ about. Tip your Pharisees.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Donald Trump is canceling an appearance and listening to advice from other people? I’m worried about him.” — JAMES CORDEN“Republican senators said the press conference wasn’t a good idea, so instead Trump will just spend a quiet day dancing to ‘Y.M.C.A.’ at home.” — JAMES CORDEN“But according to The New York Times’s Maggie Haberman, the real, real reason is that it was becoming clear he wasn’t likely to get the live TV coverage he was hoping for. Well, that makes sense. Upstaging solemn events rarely gets good ratings. That’s why they canceled ‘Dick Clark’s Pearl Harbor’s Rockin’ Eve.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTIn his statement regarding the cancellation, Trump referred to the insurrection as a “completely unarmed protest” and said he was moving the event from Mar-a-Lago to Arizona on Jan. 15.“I‘d like to point out that they were armed. And when did we start having to say ‘unarmed’ protests? Protests are unarmed by default. That’s like saying: ‘We had a lovely weekend. It was a totally bloodless cotillion.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It makes sense that he’s moving it from Mar-a-Lago to Arizona, considering their state motto: ‘Arizona: America’s backup Florida.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So, no press conference tomorrow, but Trump will speak at an Arizona rally on Jan. 15 instead, just as Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted.” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (Covid Confusion Edition)“There’s an update in the world of Covid: Everyone in the world has Covid.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Speaking of, the C.D.C. announced that after you isolate for five days with Covid, you should take a rapid test if you have access to one. You can read more about it in this month’s issue of Unhelpful Advice magazine.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, another update from the C.D.C. Even Dr. Fauci is like, ‘Oh, I muted those months ago.’” — JIMMY FALLON“At this point, the C.D.C. is like that annoying co-worker who emails you every five minutes, like: ‘Following up on this. Just bumping this up, guys.’” — JIMMY FALLON“So the country’s in chaos. What we need is clear guidance from the C.D.C., which is why they issued yesterday new guidance updating their recent five-day isolation rule with this simple addendum: People who have recovered from the virus and have isolated for at least five days can take a rapid test if they want, but they don’t have to. And those who test positive after five days from their initial test should isolate for another five days. Also, people who test negative or don’t get tested can go back to work, as long as they wear a mask. Oh, I know this one! The answer is the knife was an icicle! No, you take the chicken and the grain, and you vaccinate the fox!” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingOn her first “Late Late Show” appearance, Penélope Cruz claimed that James Corden once tried to escape from her on the dance floor.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightKenan Thompson of “Saturday Night Live” will catch up with Jimmy Fallon on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutFrom top left: Neve Campbell, David Arquette and Courteney Cox are back for another go at “Scream.”Photographs by Elizabeth Weinberg for The New York TimesTwenty-five years after appearing in the original “Scream,” Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox and David Arquette reprise their iconic roles in the franchise’s fifth film. More

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      Stephen Colbert Has a Backup Plan for Parents in the Pandemic

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      With the return of remote learning, Colbert says to bring in the mothers-in-law.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Back to Home-SchoolStephen Colbert reported on the latest Covid surge on Tuesday night, pointing to the rise of major cities with schools returning to remote learning.“I long for the good old days, where our kids could safely go to school to butt-chug Tide pods,” Colbert joked.“Parents need emergency child care help now. I am calling on the federal government to release our strategic reserve of mothers-in-law. You know their motto: ‘I see you’re too busy to empty the bathroom trash can.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Stuck in Traffic Edition)“I saw that because of a huge winter storm, a 50-mile stretch of I-95 in Virginia was shut down, and drivers were stranded on the Interstate for more than 24 hours. Meanwhile, there was a dad sitting there like, ‘If I could just get over the one lane.’” — JIMMY FALLON“The only happy person was the cabdriver whose fare got up to $14 million.” — JIMMY FALLON“Twenty-four hours in standstill traffic — I’m pretty sure there’s 50 miles of highway just covered in yellow snow.” — JIMMY FALLON“And right now, there’s probably no better place on the planet to quarantine than I-95 in Virginia, where cars have been trapped in a traffic jam for nearly 27 hours. Holy never-getting-to-Toledo!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“In fact, Virginia Senator Tim Kaine was one of the commuters trapped on the Interstate, causing him to tweet this: ‘I started my normal 2 hour drive to DC at 1pm yesterday. 19 hours later, I’m still not near the Capitol.’ But his commute wasn’t done. It took him 27 hours to get to work. Twenty-seven hours! The stakes were high too because it only takes 24 hours for anyone to forget who Tim Kaine is.” — JAMES CORDEN“One minute you’re about to be vice president of the United States, the next you’re talking about your fluid intake.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Late Late Show” guest Lily Collins recalls meeting Princess Diana and throwing a toy at Prince Charles’s head.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe “Scream” stars Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox and David Arquette will talk about reprising their iconic roles in the fourth film of the horror franchise on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutThe “Star Trek: Exploring New Worlds” exhibition at the Skirball Cultural Center includes a navigation console from the U.S.S. Enterprise, the first script from the first episode — and tribbles.Alex Welsh for The New York TimesA new exhibition at the Skirball Cultural Center in Los Angeles traces the Jewish roots of “Star Trek.” More

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      Late Night Is Happy Twitter Booted Marjorie Taylor Greene

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      Seth Meyers said that living in a world with the Republican congresswoman’s “insane” screaming was “like trying to have a conversation with a friend on the street next to a jackhammer.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Five Strikes and You’re OutMajorie Taylor Greene, the Republican congresswoman from Georgia, was permanently kicked off Twitter on Sunday for violating a policy against spreading misinformation about the coronavirus.On Monday’s “Late Night,” Seth Meyers pointed out how Greene had repeatedly lied about vaccines and called for a “national divorce.” “Which is, I guess, the sequel to ‘National Velvet’?” Meyers joked.“How would a national divorce even work? Who would get the White House? Who would pay alimony? Who would get custody of Eric? It would probably just be the two sides pushing him back and forth: ‘He’s a Republican, so he should go with you.’ ‘But he’s a New Yorker, so he should go with you!’” — SETH MEYERS“Looks like you finally got that divorce you wanted.” — SETH MEYERS“And regardless of how you feel about the ethics of kicking politicians off Twitter, it’s just a huge quality-of-life improvement. Like when Trump got kicked off Twitter. Trying to live in a world where people like Trump and Greene are constantly screaming insane [expletive] on Twitter is like trying to have a conversation with a friend on the street next to a jackhammer.” — SETH MEYERS“Now to spread the word about Jewish space lasers, she’ll have to use Mormon carrier pigeons.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“They only banned her personal account, not her congressional account, which is also known as her crazy-lite account.” — JAMES CORDEN“Greene had been temporarily suspended in the past for spreading Covid misinformation, but her latest online lie violated Twitter’s five-strike policy. Yes, five strikes. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you only get two more foolins’ after that.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“On the bright side, she is still a full-fledged member of the United States Congress.” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (C.D.C. Edition)“Meanwhile, the C.D.C. has cut their recommended isolation time in half, and now it says you only need to quarantine for five days. Yeah, a lot of Covid regulations keep changing the longer the pandemic goes on. For example, back then, doctors said to cough directly into your elbow; now, doctors say just have fun out there.” — JIMMY FALLON“They added that today is basically over, so it’s really four days. Plus, Sundays don’t count, so three day — you know what? Just take the weekend.” — SETH MEYERS“They also said you can swim right after you eat, breaking a mirror only gives you four years bad luck, and stepping on a crack won’t break your mother’s back; her back will just be very disappointed.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Then the C.D.C. said to avoid large indoor gatherings. Now the C.D.C. says parties are fine as long as you set up a smaller ‘tested positive’ table.” — JIMMY FALLON“Also, back then you had to wash your hands for as long as it takes to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ twice. But now, you can sing it at the speed Applebee’s employees do when you can tell they’re not really into it.” — JIMMY FALLON“And, finally, back then they said to avoid misinformation by staying off the internet, but now the internet is where you live now — it is your home.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingA “Tonight Show” viewer spotted a White Sox fan resembling Jimmy Fallon during a recent game.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightSt. Vincent will perform on Tuesday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutSofia Kourtesis’s “La Perla” lands somewhere between hope and melancholia.Christopher BouchardThe Peruvian producer Sofia Kourtesis’s “La Perla” and “Paul Bearer” from the Michigan-based rapper BabyTron are just two of 15 underrated tracks from 2021. More