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      Stephen Colbert Can’t Believe ‘Joe Manchin Is Fighting Climate Change’

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      “Wait, am I dreaming? I have all my teeth, I’m not a skeleton, you’re all wearing clothes, I’m rich and famous — no, this is real,” Colbert joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Don’t Wake Me if I’m DreamingIn a major surprise this week, Senator Joe Manchin III agreed to support a climate, energy and tax package after previously saying that he wouldn’t. The bill is being hailed as a major step in U.S. efforts to combat global warming. On Thursday, Stephen Colbert was relieved but confused.“Joe Manchin is fighting climate change?” Colbert said. “Wait, am I dreaming? I have all my teeth, I’m not a skeleton, you’re all wearing clothes, I’m rich and famous — no, this is real.”“I can’t believe it! Joe Manchin agreed to vote for a bill? Which means Democrats might actually get something done? Am I — am I dreaming? And if so, what a boring dream!” — TREVOR NOAH“People, I am told, are very excited about the bill, including President Biden, who said, ‘This is the action the American people have been waiting for.’ Technically, sir, technically, that was ‘Top Gun: Maverick.’ Cruise — Cruise has still got it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Also, what a week for Joe Biden, huh? First he defeated Covid, then he defeated low expectations. Look at you, Joe, look at you!” — TREVOR NOAH“This is a huge victory for Biden. In fact, right after the announcement, his approval rating skyrocketed to 11 percent.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (JetBlue Has Spirit Edition)“In business news. JetBlue has officially announced that it will buy Spirit Airlines for $3.8 billion. Yeah, 3.8 billion. Yeah. What’s crazy is that Spirit still charged them $30 for a carry-on bag.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yes. JetBlue and Spirit, it’s the perfect marriage between broken TVs and broken planes.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, Spirit agreed to a deal with JetBlue and canceled their merger with Frontier Airlines. Today, Frontier was like, ‘Well, it’s Spirit, how did we not see this cancellation coming?’” — JIMMY FALLON“But, I mean, this is a smart move for JetBlue. You know, a lot of people are confused. They’re like, ‘Why?’ But it makes sense. As a business you want to diversify, you know? Think about it — why just be an airline when you can be both an airline and a flying Porta-Potty?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingBilly Porter belted the “Dreamgirls” hit “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutRebecca Hall in “Resurrection.”IFC MidnightRebecca Hall stars as a successful single mother haunted by a terrifying man from her past in the new horror film “Resurrection.” More

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      Stephen Colbert Thinks a New Trump Investigation Has Potential

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      Colbert said he was “potentially very excited” about the Department of Justice’s “potential” investigation into Trump.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trump’s Full of ItThe Justice Department, as part of its Jan. 6 investigation, is looking into information about former President Donald Trump’s potential crimes in attempting to overturn the 2020 election.“‘Potential’ fraud? It’s the ‘false-electors scheme’!’” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday. “You don’t call something a ‘scheme’ and ‘false’ if it’s on the level.”“It is about damn time. At this point, the investigators are like the last person at the office to catch on to a popular TV show: ‘So get this, guys — there are dragons, but they hardly ever show them. There’s lots of nudity. I’m really looking forward to the Red Wedding episode. I’m so happy for Robb Stark. He deserves all the love. Everyone in the family’s going to be there!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I am potentially very excited, because all of this is potentially huge, because no former president has ever been charged with a crime in the country’s history. So what? Before John Wayne Gacy, no one ever executed a birthday clown.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, another investigation, and I don’t know, guys, at this point, I feel like the Justice Department is just going to have to dedicate an entire division to Trump, you know? Just give him his own one. You know, like they’ll have national security division, the civil rights division and the ‘What the hell did Donald Trump do now’ division?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Back in Action, Jack Edition)“Well, guys, here’s some good news today. President Biden officially ended his quarantine after testing negative for Covid. That’s right. And now that he’s got a few weeks of immunity, Biden’s about to rage, oooh. ‘[imitating Biden] Jill, we’re having dinner at seven tonight. Oh, yeah.’” — JIMMY FALLON“First of all, President Biden has officially tested negative for Covid and he got his doctor’s approval to come out of isolation. Yes, it’s great. Really is great. It is also the only positive approval he has at the moment, you know. But that’s a start.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, Biden beat Covid, and luckily, Covid conceded gracefully.” — JIMMY FALLON“Even though he tested negative, not that much changes for Biden. He still works from home, avoids crowds, and takes 20 pills a day.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth Watching“The Daily Show” correspondent Ronny Chieng investigated why some Eastern Oregon citizens want to adjust the Idaho border.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightBilly Porter will appear on Thursday’s “Tonight Show” to talk about his directorial debut with “Anything’s Possible.”Also, Check This OutLauren Ridloff, who became the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s first deaf superhero, in “Eternals.”Marvel/DisneyA new study shows that disability representation onscreen is improving but still falls short, especially on television. More

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      Trevor Noah Is a Fan of Pope Francis

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      “He’s reached out to other faiths, he said gay people can get into heaven, and don’t forget he added a pop and lock to the sign of the cross,” Noah joked on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Catholic Guilt Takes CanadaPope Francis issued an apology to Indigenous Canadians on Monday, saying he was “deeply sorry” for the ways in which “many Christians supported the colonizing mentality of the powers that oppressed the Indigenous peoples.”“I’m glad he is doing that,” Trevor Noah said on Tuesday. “It also must have been a shock to Canadians, you know? Someone coming and apologizing to them?”“You know, say what you want, I love this pope. I really do. Yeah, because ever since he has come into office, or into power, or ever since he has gotten the gig, what do they even say? Whatever it is, he has done a really good job of trying to right the Catholic Church’s wrongs, you know? He’s reached out to other faiths, he said gay people can get into heaven, and don’t forget he added a pop and lock to the sign of the cross.” — TREVOR NOAH“And you know beyond the pope, the pope is great in all of this but you know who the heroes of the story are? The Indigenous people, yeah. For not just speaking to the pope but for forgiving him, even letting him wear their traditional headdress. That was amazing. It was gracious, you know? Unless they were just setting him up for a trap, you know? Like, ‘We let bygones be bygones, please accept this headdress,’ snap photo, ‘And you’re canceled, mother [bleep]! We got you — cultural appropriation.’” — TREVOR NOAH“Now, apparently in addition to the apology the church has also agreed to pay a settlement for what they did, which I think is fantastic, especially on the tribe for actually insisting on it. Yeah, because so many people’s lives have been destroyed and a generation was thrust into poverty. So sorry is nice, but money goes a long way, yeah. In fact, you know what, they should put ‘I’m sorry’ in the caption of the Venmo payments, that is what they should do.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (R.I.P. Choco Taco Edition)“I’m going to shoot you straight: Things are looking a little rough right now. The climate is on fire, democracy is hanging on by a pube, and just when we thought we couldn’t take another punch to the national gut, we’ve learned that Klondike’s Choco Taco has been discontinued after almost 40 years. No, not the Choco Taco! It was the only dessert with as much real beef as Taco Bell!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Well, I guess the answer to ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’ is ‘ruin childhood.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Choco Taco is the perfect American fusion of cultures. right? It’s Mexican and sugar.” — TREVOR NOAH“[Singing in the vein of Elton John] ’Cause it seems to me you lived your life like a taco in the fridge. You’re an ice cream waffle taco covered in chocolate, and I sure did love to eat you when I was just a kid. Your choco melted long before your taco ever did.” — JIMMY FALLON“And may I point out, we learned this shocking news on a Taco Tuesday. That’s just salted caramel in the wound.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingMaggie Rogers performed her song “Want Want” on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutPaul Sorvino as the mob underboss who gave orders with just a nod of his head in “Goodfellas.”Warner Bros.The late Paul Sorvino is perhaps known for playing the underboss Paulie Cicero in “Goodfellas,” but he almost walked away from the role. More

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      Seth Meyers Mocks Trump for His Imaginary Friends

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      Meyers noted that Trump’s speeches frequently have him “whining incessantly about how he’s being treated or repeating some weird lie an imaginary friend supposedly told him.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trump and His Imaginary FriendsFormer President Donald Trump over the weekend attended a conservative conference in Tampa, Fla., where he repeated a story to the crowd about a friend who once referred to him as “the most persecuted person in American history.”Seth Meyers pointed out on Monday that Trump’s speeches often have him “whining incessantly about how he’s being treated or repeating some weird lie an imaginary friend supposedly told him.”“I like the idea that this never occurred to Trump until a friend suggested it. Is this where he gets all his ideas? ‘[imitating Trump friend] You know, Donald, I was thinking, your situation kind of reminds me of — well, the Salem witch trials. It’s almost like it’s a hunt — for witches, Donald. You know, like a witch hunt.’” — SETH MEYERS“He just sat back and he thought about it and he came to the conclusion that, yes, his friend was right. I’m sure he was just sitting in his study with a pipe and smoking jacket surrounded by walls of books, comparing himself to other historical examples famous persecuted Americans. ‘[imitating Trump] Let’s see. There’s me, there’s Rosa Parks, there’s Rubin ‘Hurricane’ Carter. I guess out of those three, it’s got to be me — if it’s those three.” — SETH MEYERS“I also love the idea that Trump sat back and thought about it, you know, after he finished conjugating ‘persecuted’: ‘[imitating Trump] Persecuted, persecution. They persecute and I’m the persecutee.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Monkeypox Takes New York Edition)“On Saturday, the W.H.O. declared monkeypox a global health emergency. No, no, W.H.O.! No new health emergencies until you finish your Covid, little mister!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Why? Why! Another global health emergency? No! We just got done with ignoring this pandemic, I don’t know if I can handle another one.” — TREVOR NOAH“The C.D.C. has provided some information on how monkeypox spreads, mainly through direct contact with an infectious rash and bodily fluids, which is why they say, when at all possible, people with monkeypox should handle their own soiled laundry. That C.D.C. report was written by Dr. Mom-who-is-sick-of-this: ‘You’re 23, Jordan! Go to a laundromat!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The reason monkeypox has been upped to emergency status is because it’s spreading faster than the scientists had expected. As of today, New York City alone has logged over 1,000 cases. That is unacceptable. The only disease you should contract in New York is herpes from a subway pole. Welcome to our beautiful city! Touch nothing.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And also, why is New York the epicenter again, huh? Haven’t we been through enough? Hurricane Sandy, coronavirus, the Knicks. No, I’m joking, I’m joking — Sandy wasn’t a complete disaster.” — TREVOR NOAH“Seriously, people, what is it about New York? Why do diseases love it, you know? What is it about this place, outside of the rats and cockroaches and the subways full of feces and pounds of garbage on the sidewalk?’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingToro y Moi performed “Millennium” from his new album “Mahal” on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightSt. Vincent will perform the second night of her weeklong residency on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutJoni Mitchell, who has rarely appeared in public in recent years, performed some of her most iconic songs, including an extended guitar solo on “Just Like This Train” from her “Court and Spark” album.Nina WesterveltJoni Mitchell made a surprise appearance at the Newport Folk Festival on Sunday and performed live for the first time in two decades. More

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      Trevor Noah Still Doesn’t See Any Good Arguments Against Gay Marriage

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      “The House has officially passed a bill legalizing gay and interracial marriage, which is a great victory for 1995,” Noah joked on Wednesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.A Little RespectThe Respect for Marriage Act was passed in the House this week, which Trevor Noah described as Democrats “trying to learn their lesson and protect those rights before Clarence Thomas gets to them.”“The house has officially passed a bill legalizing gay and interracial marriage, which is a great victory for 1995,” Noah joked on Wednesday.“Everyone is still shellshocked by the Supreme Court’s recent decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. Although this made conservatives happy because they finally made government small enough to fit inside a woman’s vagina, everyone else was pretty furious.” — TREVOR NOAH“And people weren’t just angry at the Supreme Court. No, they were pissed at Democrats because they didn’t codify Roe v. Wade. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t said ‘codified’ this much in my entire life.” — TREVOR NOAH“Because let’s be honest: It is really strange to be diving back into this debate that we thought was resolved in 2015, all right? This is weird — they’re like ‘We are doing it now.’ Well, what do you mean now? What’s next — we’re going to start arguing about that dress again? Is that what we are doing? Because it is over, guys — it’s over. We decided a long time ago it’s blue and black, all right? And anyone who thinks it’s while and gold is a Nazi. Yeah, I said it.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean I don’t even know what the argument is against gay marriage — what’s the argument? When it became legal in 2015 conservatives all said, ‘Oh, America is going to fall apart when this happens,’ and yeah, it kind of did but that’s not ’cause of gay marriage.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Hot Earth Edition)“Meanwhile, today, President Biden announced new executive actions to address the climate crisis. Whew, just in time. it’s 115 degrees outside!” — JIMMY FALLON“Unfortunately, Biden’s speech was cut short when the teleprompter burst into flame.” — JIMMY FALLON“So the president held a press conference today to announce new steps to combat climate change but stopped short of declaring a national emergency. Yeah, you don’t want to call a climate emergency too early — you’ve got to wait until our internal temperature is 165 degrees in the thigh. Then we’re safe to eat.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Seriously, even the climate change deniers were like, ‘Do you mind if we protest inside? It’s hot as hell out here.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s so hot in the city, Times Square had a naked cowboy and a shaved Elmo.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingLizzo surprised fans with an “Undercover Sing” segment on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightRuPaul will guest host Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutFrom left, Lydia Rose Bewley, Richard E. Grant, Dakota Johnson and Yolanda Kettle in the latest version of “Persuasion.”Nick Wall/NetflixNetflix’s adaptation of “Persuasion” is the latest in failed attempts to please fans of Jane Austen. More

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      Stephen Colbert Reflects on This Year in the Supreme Court

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      Colbert referred to the court’s year of bold rulings as “a real roller-coaster ride, in that I am nauseous and scared we’re all going to die.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Environmental HazardThe Supreme Court held the last session of its term on Thursday and announced yet another controversial decision. This time, the court ruled to limit the Environmental Protection Agency’s ability to regulate carbon emissions from power plants.Stephen Colbert referred to the court’s year of bold calls as “a real roller-coaster ride, in that I am nauseous and scared we’re all going to die.”“Today was the final day of the Supreme Court’s current term and I gotta say, thank god. This must be how the Jets feel when halftime finally arrives: [imitating a Jets player] ‘Well, at least we get 15 minutes when they can’t kick our [expletive]!’” — SETH MEYERS“What are you thinking, Supreme Court? It’s the Environmental Protection Agency — if they can’t limit the emissions, then the agency can’t protect the environment. They’re going to have to change what the ‘P’ stands for — maybe ‘Environmental Punch-Dolphins-in-the-Taint Agency.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“With these maniacs in charge, our only hope is that the smokestacks put on a condom.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency does not have the authority to protect the environment? So what is their job now?”— TREVOR NOAH“And by the way, by the way, just so you understand, this ruling might not just be about the carbon emissions. A lot of experts believe the logic of today’s ruling makes it harder for the government to regulate anything unless Congress specifically passes a law to do it. Because you see, right now, a lot of regulations are made by agencies, like — like the F.D.A. They will handle food, you know? The C.D.C. with public health; the B.R.B., with ignoring text messages.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, Justice Jackson made history as the first Black woman on the Supreme Court, and the first person to make people cheer for the Supreme Court in the past two weeks.” — JIMMY FALLON“Ketanji Brown Jackson was sworn in today as the Supreme Court’s 116th justice — and then Clarence Thomas dissented against that, too.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Vasectomy Edition)“With contraception in the judicial cross hairs, folks are taking their genitals into their own hands, with men rushing to get vasectomies — and then very slowly walking home from them.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I’ve never personally performed a vasectomy, but I’d like to try my very first one on Samuel Alito.” — CHELSEA HANDLER“Following the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, urologists have reportedly seen an uptick in requests for vasectomies. And this is weird — from women: [imitating woman] ‘His name is Dave — I’ll bring him in.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden tried his hand at being the president’s assistant on Thursday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutOur list of 12 books to read in July includes a tender coming-of-age memoir by Isaac Fitzgerald, a biography of Vladimir V. Putin and novels from Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Bolu Babalola and Daniel Nieh. More

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      Seth Meyers Calls Out Fox News Hosts for Falling Speechless

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      Meyers said hosts couldn’t “settle on a coherent narrative the way they usually do,” as indicated by a long, awkward pause during a live broadcast about Cassidy Hutchinson’s testimony.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Dead AirCassidy Hutchinson’s testimony continued to be the talk of late night on Wednesday. The former Trump White House aide’s statements on Tuesday were so powerful that Fox News hosts appeared speechless on air, specifically a long, awkward pause during a broadcast with Bret Baier, Sandra Smith and John Roberts.“They couldn’t settle on a coherent narrative the way they usually do,” Meyers said. “They just cycled through a bunch of different lines, from screaming about media bias to claiming everyone knows Trump gets angry to dismissing Hutchinson as a low-level staffer who supposedly had ulterior motives.”“Oof. That’s like when you get in the car with your parents after they took you to a movie that had way more nudity than they were expecting.” — SETH MEYERS“I also like how they all act like the question was for the other person: ‘John, why don’t you go ahead?’” — SETH MEYERS“[imitating Fox News hosts] ‘I’m sorry, are you talking to me John or the cameraman John?’ ‘Sandra, do you want to take this one?’ ‘Oh, sorry, I couldn’t hear you. Why don’t you go ahead, Bret?’ ‘No, no, no, no, no, no. Ladies first.’” — SETH MEYERS“That’s quite the pause. Explains Fox’s new slogan ‘Fair and … indeed, yes, we are still here.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And I just wanna say, hey, John Roberts, way to throw Sandra under the bus! [imitating John Roberts] ‘Sandra, are you still there? Because I sure wish I wasn’t here.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Giuliani 2.0 Edition)“Well, guys, it’s been a tough couple of days for the Giuliani family. First, Rudy Giuliani — I don’t know if you heard this — he claimed that he was assaulted at a grocery store, but security footage showed that it was more of a pat on his back. And then, last night, Rudy’s son Andrew Giuliani lost the Republican primary for New York governor. Yeah. His biggest weakness? Name recognition.” — JIMMY FALLON“It was a tough night for Andrew. He gave his dad a big hug, and then Rudy accused him of assault.” — JIMMY FALLON“Andrew, honey, I hope you know that you lost, not because of your swollen bee sting head, or because you’ve got a smile like a jack-o’-lantern, or because you have zero qualifications. You lost because your last name is now toxic, because your dad had one week after 9/11 when he was considered a hero, but then he blew it when he went [expletive] nuts.” — CHELSEA HANDLER, guest host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live”“There are so many questions left unanswered. Would Andrew have lost if his dad didn’t try to overthrow democracy from a landscaping store, or sweat gravy during a press conference? We’ll never know.” — CHELSEA HANDLERThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden took “The Late Late Show” this week to London, where John Boyega, Minnie Driver and Sam Smith discussed the best breakup songs on Wednesday night’s show.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightAriana DeBose will sit down with Jimmy Fallon on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutFrom left, Constantine Rousouli, Marla Mindelle and Alex Ellis in “Titanique,” a production that doubles down on “Titanic” and Celine Dion as modern camp icons.Emilio Madrid“Titanique” is a campy reimagining of the blockbuster film set to songs by Celine Dion. More

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      Late Night Reacts to Cassidy Hutchinson’s Damning Trump Testimony

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      “I mean you’ve got to admit, though, fighting your own Secret Service agent is genius on Trump’s part — he’s hitting the one person who can’t hit back,” Trevor Noah said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Go for the JugularThe latest Jan. 6 hearings were called “insane” by late-night hosts several times on Tuesday night, after Cassidy Hutchinson, a Trump aide, testified that the former president hurled his lunch against the wall in anger, lunged at a Secret Service agent and attempted to grab the steering wheel of the presidential limousine so that he could join the rioters at the Capitol.“I, too, was shocked to hear that Trump threw any of his food away. Because let’s be honest, this guy’s taken more selfies with food than some of his kids,” Trevor Noah joked.“And you heard what she said — this wasn’t a one-time thing. Trump was constantly throwing food tantrums. But what’s interesting is she didn’t say ‘flipping the table’; she said ‘flipping the tablecloth.’ So either Trump was an amateur magician, or he wasn’t strong enough to flip a table, so he just did the tablecloth.” — TREVOR NOAH“He went for the throat! When you get into the Secret Service, you know you have to take one for the president, but you never expect to take one from the president: ‘Thank you for your service. Let’s keep this part secret.’”— STEPHEN COLBERT“Always good when you need another Secret Service to protect the Secret Service, you know what I’m saying?”— JIMMY FALLON“Evidently, the former president breaks a lot of dishes, which is why his handlers make sure his meals are served only in bucket or edible bowl.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That is no way to treat the Secret Service — that is how you treat a contestant in the dressing room of the Miss Universe pageant.” — CHELSEA HANDLER, guest host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live”“Trump fighting to take control of the president’s car like it’s an action movie, only he’s the president and this is real life.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean you’ve got to admit, though, fighting your own Secret Service agent is genius on Trump’s part — he’s hitting the one person who can’t hit back. Yeah, they can punch back but then they’ve got to jump in front of their own punch.” — TREVOR NOAH“When grabbing the steering wheel didn’t work, he grabbed the car by the [expletive].” — CHELSEA HANDLER“Immediately the agents were like, ‘Who the hell let him out of his car seat?’” — JIMMY FALLON“That is insane, but it is going to make a great season premiere of ‘Kleptocrats in Cars Seizing Power.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Not to victim blame, but this is on the Secret Service, all right? You had four years to Trump-proof that vehicle — you knew who you were dealing with. There should have been a toy steering wheel in the passenger seat the whole time. Just let him think he’s driving and go back to the West Wing anyway.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Killing Me Softly Edition)“Folks, speaking of Jan. 6 plotters, this weekend Rudy Giuliani was assaulted by a grocery store worker on Staten Island. Before I go any further, before I say anything else, let me say that Rudy Giuliani is fine, other than the fact that he remains Rudy Giuliani.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And more importantly, ‘The Late Show’ and ‘The Late Show’ family of producers condemns violence of any kind. You should not go out and lay a finger on the former mayor in any way. First, because it is just wrong, and, second, because you don’t want to get any of that weird Rudy juice on you.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Something tells me this isn’t the first time Rudy has exaggerated the size of something.” — CHELSEA HANDLER“You think that’s what being shot feels like? No wonder you’re not concerned about guns. That wasn’t a slap. That was a Little League coach saying, ‘You’ll get ’em next time.’” — SETH MEYERS“After the video evidence came out, the D.A. released the assailant, who also had the charges against him reduced. They’ve gone from felony assault down to back-tap with intent to ‘Hey!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Rudy remains undaunted. His son, Andrew, and his load-bearing teeth say we don’t have to worry about Rudy because he’s ‘tough as nails.’ And just like nails, he’s always hammered.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingRepresentative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez sat down with Stephen Colbert to discuss Tuesday’s hearing on “The Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightSteve Carell will sit down with Seth Meyers on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutKurt Russell as Elvis in the 1979 TV movie of the same name.Donaldson Collection/Michael Ochs Archives, via Getty ImagesFrom Kurt Russell to Michael Shannon, some of the best modern actors have taken a crack at portraying Elvis on the screen. More