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Best of Late Night
Jimmy Fallon: Ron Johnson Could Replace Ted Cruz as Most Hated Senator
The “Tonight Show” host joked that the Wisconsin Republican could be more detested for at least the 10 hours that Senate clerks read the 628-page stimulus bill aloud, as Johnson demanded.
- March 5, 2021, 2:27 a.m. ET
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
10 Hours, 628 Pages
The new stimulus bill was being held up in the Senate this week after Senator Ron Johnson, Republican of Wisconsin, demanded clerks read all 628 pages out loud.
“Yeah, this means for 10 hours, Ted Cruz wasn’t the most hated senator in Congress,” Jimmy Fallon joked on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”
“To make it feel even longer, Johnson hired Gilbert Gottfried to do the reading.” — JIMMY FALLON
“You really think that’s going to be a deterrent? We’ve all been in quarantine for a year. I’ve done things that are a lot less exciting than listening to a bill get read aloud for 10 hours.” — SETH MEYERS
“That takes guts. Reminds me of the classic film ‘Mr. Smith Forces Senate Clerks to Go to Washington.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Perhaps it’s just Ron Johnson’s way of telling us he can’t read. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Senator. We’re sending LeVar Burton.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“The 600-page bill will be read aloud in the Senate for 10 hours. This is the political equivalent of making someone come to your improv show.” — JAMES CORDEN
“I’m going to wait until it’s adapted on Netflix. I’ll watch it then, you know?” — JAMES CORDEN
“And to all the hungry kids out there, be patient. Ron Johnson is making a symbolic point. You can eat tomorrow or maybe next week — whatever.” — TREVOR NOAH
“The only thing built up more than this bill is Oprah’s interview with Meghan Markle.” — JIMMY FALLON
The Punchiest Punchlines (Not Again Edition)
“Today, you know, was supposed to be a big one for the aluminum foil hat crowd.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Because the inauguration used to be on March 4, according to Q-spiracy theorists, today was the day the former POTUS would be restored to the presidency. That did not happen, but he was restored as customer of the month at the Palm Beach KFC/Taco Bell.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to not trust my QAnon message boards.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“These conspiracy aficionados picked the date March 4 because it is the date on which presidents used to be inaugurated in the olden times, which is so random. March 4 is also the anniversary of the first People’s Choice Awards. And by the way, the people chose Joe Biden, so I don’t know. Just get off the Q and call your children — they’re worried about you.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Again? Come on, Q-bees. Remember what Einstein said: ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. Also, QAnon. Those people are [expletive] crazy.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Now, were these plans ever real? Who knows. But out of an abundance of caution, the House canceled today’s legislative session. It’s kind of like a domestic terrorism snow day in that they’re both dangerous and white.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
Trevor Noah shared a brief history of first ladies in a “Daily Show” recurring segment, “If You Don’t Know Now You Know.”
Also, Check This Out
Starz is reviving its short-lived cult comedy hit “Party Down” for six new episodes.
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Source: Television - nytimes.com