Stephen Colbert: Biden Got the Pope’s Blessing

“The pope telling you you’re a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you’re good at pooping in the woods,” Colbert said of President Biden, who visited the Vatican over the weekend.

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President Biden over the weekend visited the Vatican, where he gave Pope Francis a coin and parted ways by saying, “God love ya.”

“Yeah, he does,” Stephen Colbert joked on Monday’s “Late Show.” “Pretty sure that’s the papal job description on LinkedIn: ‘God love ya. Must be good with crowds. Some Latin required. Five to 10 years’ waving experience.’”

“That is the most unnecessary ‘God love ya’ in history. You don’t need to say ‘God love ya’ to the pope — he knows God loves him. He had dinner with him last night.” — TREVOR NOAH

“You’ve got to give it to Joe Biden. It took everything in his power to not make the coin appear behind the pope’s ear.” — TREVOR NOAH

“But I think the meeting was cool for him to see because it’s nice. Because even though these two men are some of the most powerful leaders in the world, when it comes down to it, they’re just a couple of old guys hanging out, showing off their coin collection, talking about alcohol, making inappropriate ethnic jokes.” — TREVOR NOAH

“Biden has gotten flack from right-wing Catholic bishops for being pro-choice, but during the meeting, the pope said he should keep receiving communion, and called Biden ‘a good Catholic.’ OK, that’s legit. That’s legit. That’s the stamp of approval right there. The pope telling you you’re a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you’re good at pooping in the woods.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Much of Biden’s visit was confidential, but parts were broadcast on Vatican television, home of hits like, ‘Say Yes to the Vestment,’ ‘The Prodigal Brothers’ and ‘Bob Covets Abishola.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“I mean I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that Biden’s meeting with the pope was three times as long as Trump’s. I mean, knowing Biden, he puts in a good 40 minutes with the barista when he pops into Starbucks.” — SETH MEYERS

“All right, now, after President Biden exchanged Irish jokes with the pope, he caught an Uber to Rome for the G20 summit where he and other world leaders got down to business.” — TREVOR NOAH

“They agreed to create a global minimum corporate tax rate of 15 percent, which is expected to raise hundreds of billions of dollars until the corporations find a different loophole about five minutes afterwards.” — TREVOR NOAH

“The first time you see people in person post-pandemic is always awkward. It explains the G20 itinerary: ‘See another world leader approaching; wonder if they’re going for a handshake; notice they’re actually coming in for a hug; hug them, only to realize maybe they weren’t and you just made it awkward; call out the fact that you made it awkward and joke about how you’ve forgotten how to interact with other humans; solve climate change?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Climate change was one of the main things on the agenda, and the G20 leaders took a bold stand, pledging to achieve global net-zero greenhouse-gas emissions by or around midcentury. That doesn’t sound very urgent. It’s like calling 9-1-1 and having the operator tell you the E.M.T.s will be there sometime between the hours of noon and the funeral.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“I’m sorry, guys, but how is climate change the most pressing issue facing humanity but then your plan is to do something about it by more or less 2050? Like that’s a pretty good sign something isn’t going to actually get done. If somebody says, ‘Yeah, yeah, we should hang out sometime. What’s your schedule looking like in 2050?’ You’ll never see the person again.” — TREVOR NOAH

“Not to mention, I’m looking at the people making the pledge — half of them aren’t even going to be around in 2050. That’s genius — ‘When are we fixing this? How much time do I have left? Yeah, yeah — around then!” — TREVOR NOAH

“So basically what they’ve done is said, ‘I want to lose 100 pounds by the summer so I’m going to do five push-ups by the day and then I don’t know, maybe I’ll get tapeworm. We’ll see what happens.’” — TREVOR NOAH

Jimmy Kimmel didn’t ask for videos of adults tricking their kids into believing they ate all their Halloween treats for his annual challenge this year, but some parents just couldn’t resist.

Tom Hanks will talk about his latest film, “Finch,” on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”

Caroline Tompkins for The New York Times

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