Jon Stewart Takes on ‘Something Light’: Israel and Gaza

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Something Light

For his third time back behind the desk of “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart said things would be different from the first two, which he said had been “very controversial.”

“A lot of discourse around it. A lot of carping back and forth. A lot of anger. A lot of commentary,” Stewart said. “Tonight, I’m done with it. Tonight is perhaps an amuse-bouche. A trifle. Something light!” That turned out to be the war in Gaza.

After a “Middle East Conflict Disclaimer Cam” advised viewers that the following discussion was “not meant to endorse or justify either side,” Stewart dove in — calling out Israel for killing civilians, Hamas for calling for Israel’s annihilation, and the United States and the rest of the world for not stopping the suffering. He also floated a few peace proposals of his own.

“Look, the United States is Israel’s closest ally. Israel’s big brother in the fraternity of nations. Israel’s work emergency contact. Maybe it’s time for the U.S. to give Israel some tough moral love.” — JON STEWART

“‘Hey, Israel, take it down a notch. Could you please be more careful with your bombing?’ is good advice. But really, couldn’t the United States have told Israel that when we gave them all the bombs? They’re our bombs! This is like your coke dealer coming over with an eight ball and going, ‘Don’t stay up all night.’” — JON STEWART

“Let’s just ask God. It’s his house! He’s the one who started all this! Just ask God. He can tell us who is right! Is it the Jews? Is it the Muslims? Is it the Zoroastrians? If it’s the Scientologists, a lot of us are going to have egg on our faces.” — JON STEWART

“I actually think this last one could work. Starting now: no preconditions, no earned trust, no partners for peace. Israel stops bombing. Hamas releases the hostages. The Arab countries who claim Palestine is their top priority come in and form a Demilitarized Zone between Israel and a free Palestinian state. The Saudis, Egypt, U.A.E., Qatar, Jordan — they all form like a NATO arrangement guaranteeing security for both sides. Obviously, they won’t call it NATO — it’s the Middle East Treaty Organization. It’s METO.” — JON STEWART

The Punchiest Punchlines (In It to Win It Edition)

“This weekend, former President Trump won the Republican primary by 20 points in Nikki Haley’s home state of South Carolina. But Haley is still refusing to drop out of the race. Say what you want about her, but she’s really earning that participation trophy.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Yeah, Trump won South Carolina by 20 points. They like him down there. He looks like a guy who fell asleep on Myrtle Beach, doesn’t he?” — JIMMY FALLON

“Trump actually had two versions of his speech — a victory speech in case he won, and a victory speech in case he lost.” — JIMMY FALLON