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      Stephen Colbert Finds Donald Trump ‘Past His Expiration Date’

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      Michael Cohen’s testimony gave the host plenty of fodder, especially when he described Donald Trump speculating about going back “on the market.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Only One Way to Get Paid’Donald Trump’s former lawyer and fixer, Michael Cohen, took the stand on Monday in the former president’s hush money trial.“Now, you never want to be the middleman between your boss and a porn star,” Colbert said of Cohen. “Sure, it sounds titillating when they ask, but eventually it’s just a tangle of limbs, and you’re just kind of watching.”“Michael Cohen testified today that former President Trump once said that he wouldn’t be single for very long if former first lady Melania Trump were to leave him. So, yeah, he wrote his own vows.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, Michael Cohen testified today that Trump once asked him how long he’d be single if Melania were to leave him and said, ‘How long do you think I’d be on the market for? Not long.’ On the market? You’re a 78-year-old psychopath with massive debt. That’s not a market, that’s a lost-and-found bin.” — SETH MEYERS“Coincidentally, ‘not long’ is how Stormy described it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But it’s true — he would be off the market soon. I mean, he is clearly past his expiration date.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“During his testimony today, Cohen also said that he was never paid for early legal work he did for Trump. Of course not! He doesn’t pay his lawyers, he doesn’t pay his contractors. There’s really only one way to get paid by Donald Trump, and it is not worth it.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Hannibal Lecter Edition)“At this rally, Trump talked about the ‘Silence of the Lambs’ character Hannibal Lecter and said he was a ‘wonderful man.’ First of all, Hannibal Lecter isn’t real. He’s a character played by Anthony Hopkins, a wonderful man who is real. Second, the character Hannibal is not a wonderful man, he’s a cannibal who murdered a bunch of people. And third, please tell me this is not your VP announcement.” — SETH MEYERS“What is going on? I’m no political expert, but maybe don’t keep saying, ‘the late, great Hannibal Lecter.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Oh, I love ‘Silence of the Lamb.’ It’s one of my favorite movies right up there with ‘Star War,’ “Dance with Wolf’ and ‘Jaw.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“‘Late great’? In none of the stories does Hannibal Lecter die, and Sir Anthony Hopkins is very much still alive. Does Trump just think a character dies when he turns off the T.V.?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingSnoop Dogg and Jimmy Fallon wore matching American tracksuits on Monday to celebrate the upcoming Paris Olympics.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe “All Fours” author Miranda July will appear on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutIn “Appropriate,” Sarah Paulson aims to present “a fully realized person up there that you can have some connectivity to.”Matthew Leifheit for The New York TimesThe actress Sarah Paulson received a Tony Award nomination for her return to Broadway in “Appropriate.” More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Recaps Stormy Daniels’s Testimony in Court

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      “Team Trump spent much of the day trying to paint Daniels as a sleazy, money-grubbing liar, which, if that is true, you can see why they hit it off,” Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Quite a dayOn Thursday, former President Donald Trump’s defense attorneys concluded their cross-examination of Stormy Daniels.“And I’ll tell you, it was quite a day to be a stenographer. These are actual phrases that were used in court today: ‘Human toilet,’ ‘Orange turd’ and ‘Make America horny again.’ And print those out and hang them on the Smithsonian wall.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Team Trump spent much of the day trying to paint Daniels as a sleazy, money-grubbing liar, which, if that is true, you can see why they hit it off.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“During her cross-examination today, one of Trump’s lawyers asked Stormy Daniels, ‘You made all this up, right?’ A strategy that immediately backfired when Trump yelled, ‘No, she didn’t! We had sex!’” — SETH MEYERS“Today, former President Trump’s attorneys finished their cross-examination of Stormy Daniels, and they accused her of lying and hawking merchandise for personal gain. Trump was like, ‘This also feels like a shot at me, too.’” — JIMMY FALLON“[imitating Trump] And for more on why it’s so wrong to be a sleazy money-grubbing merch seller, please buy my God Bless America Donald Trump Bible.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Heated and Intense Edition)“Today’s cross-examination was described as ‘heated’ and ‘intense,’ which coincidentally are the only two settings on Trump’s tanning bed.” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump was like, ‘If you think that’s bad, you should see the texts I’m getting from Melania.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Former President Trump appeared to briefly fall asleep in court again this morning during adult film star Stormy Daniels’s testimony. Because in real life, you can’t fast-forward the scenes where the actors are talking.” — SETH MEYERS“But this was not her first rodeo, and they would have known that if they would have seen her movie, ‘My Third Rodeo.’ Very good. It’s part of a series.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJohn Della Volpe, the polling director at the Harvard Institute of Politics, sat down with Jon Stewart to discuss his new book “Fight: How Gen Z is Channeling Their Fear and Passion to Save America” on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutCass Elliot performing on her television special “Don’t Call Me Mama Anymore” in September 1973. After she went solo, she found it hard to shake her nickname.CBS Photo Archive, via Getty ImagesFor 50 years, singer Cass Elliott’s talent has been overshadowed by a hurtful rumor about her death. More

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      Late Night Reacts to the Worm in R.F.K. Jr.’s Brain

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      “This explains everything, and nothing,” Stephen Colbert said about the presidential hopeful’s newly reported parasite.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Food for ThoughtThe presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said during a 2012 deposition that doctors told him a parasite had eaten part of his brain.“This explains everything, and nothing,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday.“I just want to say to any R.F.K. Jr. fans who might be watching, do not despair. Just because he has sworn in a deposition that he has parasitic brain damage doesn’t mean he’s going to drop out, because Bobby Kennedy Jr. does not know the meaning of the word ‘quit’ — ’cause that information was in the part of the brain that the worm ate.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“His family’s like, ‘It is true, but it still doesn’t explain why he’s like that.’” — JIMMY FALLON“And this is strange: Instead of using dewormer, he injected himself with a Covid vaccine.” — JIMMY FALLON“Apparently, the worm was giving him all his ideas, like in ‘Ratatouille.’” — JIMMY FALLON“I don’t know what’s worse — that R.F.K. Jr. had a worm that was eating his brain or that his brain is so poisoned that it killed the worm.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Cause of death: starvation.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“For a guy who seems to believe doctors are con artists trying to scam you into getting a vaccine, he sure did get to one fast when a worm started eating his brain.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The inside of his head is basically the movie ‘Dune,’ but you should definitely vote for him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The New York Times today published a report on independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s health issues, including a dead worm in his brain. Or as that’s known in Libertarian circles, a running mate.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Kristi Noem’s Press Tour Edition)“Former President Trump said that South Dakota governor Kristi Noem has had a ‘rough couple of days.’ Said Noem, ‘Who said ‘ruff’?” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, she needs more bad press like she needs a hole in her dog.” — SETH MEYERSWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Wants the Dirty Details From Stormy Daniels

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      The host disagreed with a judge who said Daniels could skip some of the specifics of her encounter with Donald Trump. “Some of us are trying to host a show here, OK?”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.A Stormy Day in CourtStormy Daniels took the stand to testify in former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial on Tuesday. Jimmy Kimmel called it “a very Stormy day for everyone’s favorite former president.”“The prosecution today called their star witness — their porn star witness.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Stormy Daniels took the stand this morning and, for Donald, I can only imagine, the nervous farting was off the charts.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Even the judge was pumped. He was like, ‘Please welcome to the stand, Stormy Daniels!’” — JIMMY FALLON“The judge said Stormy could testify about her sexual relationship with Trump, but also said, ‘We don’t need to know the details.’ And see, now that’s where I have to object. Yes, we do need to know the details. Some of us are trying to host a show here, OK?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Ahead of Stormy Daniels’s testimony today in former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial, one of the prosecutors told Judge Juan Merchan that Daniels will not describe Trump’s genitalia because it would violate the gag order.” — SETH MEYERS“She said they had sex in the missionary position, and that Trump told her she reminded him of his daughter. Feels like we should lock him up just for that, right?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“During former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial, adult film star Stormy Daniels testified that she and Trump had sex ‘in missionary position.’ ‘Don’t even think about it!’ shouted Judge Merchan to the sketch artist.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Honeybunch Edition)“Adult film star Stormy Daniels testified today in former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial. So Trump technically slept with her again.” — SETH MEYERS, referring to reports of Trump falling asleep during the trial“During former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial, adult film star Stormy Daniels testified that she spanked Trump with a rolled-up magazine that had his face on the cover. And I think it’s weird that the hotel even had a copy of ‘Bankruptcy Aficionado.’” — SETH MEYERSWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Cracks on Trump Being Held in Contempt of Court (Again)

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      Jimmy Kimmel joked that Donald Trump will likely end up in jail “because he can’t stop talking about the case. It’s like trying to get a dog to stop licking itself.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.11th Time’s the Charm?On Monday, the judge in Donald Trump’s criminal trial held him in contempt for the 10th time, threatening jail time if the former president continues to violate a gag order.Jimmy Kimmel said that he thinks Trump will end up in jail “because he can’t stop talking about the case. It’s like trying to get a dog to stop licking itself.”“This is Trump’s 10th violation, and we’re only on Day 12 of the trial. He’s already paid $9,000 in fines for the first nine, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but it is a lot for Eric, who now won’t be getting his allowance this week.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Again? I’ve got deja woo hoo!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Please, you think Trump is scared of jail? That place is full of mobsters and white supremacists. He’ll walk into jail the way Norm walks into Cheers.” — SETH MEYERS“You’ve done it now, Donald. If you violate that gag order for the 11th time, the judge is going to really consider jail time. I mean, he’s strongly contemplating the possibility of consequences for your actions. Just one more chance!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Sending the former president on a trip to Bar-A-Lago, according to Judge Merchan, is ‘the last thing I want to do,’ which is funny because it’s the first thing I would want to do. It’s like No. 1 on my list.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And how would that even work? I mean, would they give him a cavity search? God help whoever gets that gig. They might find Vivek Ramaswamy living up there like a Keister elf.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say based on how much he’s complaining about conditions in the courtroom, he would hate jail.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (All Dogs Go to Heaven Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Wants to Testify at Donald Trump’s Criminal Trial

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      “I think I can keep Trump awake during the trial,” Kimmel said after learning that text messages about his talk show were entered as evidence in the case.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Another Historic FirstDuring Donald Trump’s criminal trial on Thursday, a series of text messages between Michael Cohen and Keith Davidson was entered into evidence containing several references to “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Kimmel said he was excited, proud, and “exhilarated, even, because from here on, we aren’t just following the Donald Trump drama in New York, we are part of it now.”“It’s the first time — I don’t want to brag — but first time a late-night talk show has been introduced into evidence at the criminal trial for a president of the United States. Johnny Carson didn’t get that with Nixon — we got it here.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Suffice it to say that when Ryan Murphy makes the nine-part mini-series about this for Fubo, I will be in it. I would assume someone like George Clooney or maybe Chris Hemsworth will be playing me. Guillermo, you will be in it. You’ll be played by — you’ll be played by Pedro Pascal.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m sick of being out of the court — I want to be in it. Why was I not asked to testify? It’s outrageous! I’m going to start suing people!” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I think I can keep Trump awake during the trial.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (More Trump Takes Edition)“Yesterday was a day off from the trial, so Trump jetted off to Wisconsin and Michigan to perform his hit one-man show, ‘Complaining for Applause.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Prosecutors argued today that former President Trump should be sanctioned again for violating his gag order. Apparently, he talks in his sleep.” — SETH MEYERS“The courtroom sketch artist hates him. I mean, absolutely, she turned him into the hunchback of ‘Bloatra Dame.’ It’s like his tongue is about to shoot out and get a fly on it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Scientists in England recently revealed the facial reconstruction of a Neanderthal woman that was buried about 75,000 years ago in a cave. Or it might have just been another courtroom sketch.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingKate Hudson made her T.V. performance debut on Thursday’s “Tonight Show” with the song “Gonna Find Out” from her forthcoming album, “Glorious.”Also, Check This OutRichard Gadd and Jessica Gunning star in “Baby Reindeer,” a semi-autobiographical Netflix mini-series in which Gadd plays a version of himself.Ed Miller/NetflixThe Netflix hit “Baby Reindeer” is based on a true story from the life of creator and star Richard Gadd. More

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      Seth Meyers Mocks Donald Trump for Falling Asleep in Court Again

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      “Does he even wear suits to court or just footie pajamas and a nightcap?” Meyers joked on Wednesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Power Naps?Former President Donald Trump appeared to fall asleep in court again during his criminal trial this week.“If your main criticism of your opponent is that he’s sleepy, so much so that you call him ‘Sleepy Joe,’ then I would say that your one job as a candidate is to not fall asleep in public,” Seth Meyers said on Wednesday.“All right, what is going on with him? Hibernating bears don’t sleep this much. I’m starting to think when they say he slept with a porn star, they meant literally.” — SETH MEYERS“If you can’t make it through your own trial for defrauding voters during a presidential election without nodding off, how are you going to make it through your daily security briefings as president? Are you going to put a bunk bed in the situation room?” — SETH MEYERS“Oh, so the trial for him covering up having sex with Stormy Daniels is a lot like him having sex with Stormy Daniels — he lasts only a few furious minutes and then nods off.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So far, the only thing that can keep him awake is an iPad playing ‘Bluey.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Does he even wear suits to court or just footie pajamas and a nightcap?” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (‘Vaygan’ Edition)“That’s right, Shana, get ready for him to grab you by the vaygina.” — JIMMY KIMMEL, on Trump’s strange pronunciation of “vegan” as “vaygan” at a rally in Wisconsin on Wednesday“He’s unfamiliar with any food not offered on a Meal Deal Menu.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“My favorite president was Ronald Vāgan.” — JIMMY FALLON“You know what they say, Viva las Vee-gas.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe rapper and singer Doja Cat performed her track “Acknowledge Me” on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightStevie Wonder will perform on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutMore than 170 rare books have vanished, replaced by very high-quality fakes. This reproduction of a first edition of an 1822 book by Alexander Pushkin was found at the University of Warsaw library in Poland.Wojtek Radwanski/Agence France-Presse — Getty ImagesMore than 170 rare books have disappeared and been replaced with high-quality fakes in libraries around Europe. More

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      Late Night Weighs In on Donald Trump’s $9,000 Fine

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      “I know $9,000 might not seem like a lot to a successful businessman, but what about to Trump?” Colbert said of the court-imposed penalty for violating a gag order.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Spare ChangeOn Tuesday, the judge in Donald Trump’s hush money trial held the former president in contempt, fining him $9,000 for violating a gag order on nine separate occasions.“I know $9,000 might not seem like a lot to a successful businessman, but what about to Trump?” Stephen Colbert joked.“The judge lamented that that is the most he could legally fine him, warning that if Trump keeps violating the gag order, ‘jail may be a necessary punishment.’ I don’t know if it’s necessary for Trump, but I need it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Even though I’m not on Trump’s side, I don’t think it’s fair. This trial is about the fact that he paid a woman to be quiet. Now if he isn’t quiet, he has to pay them? It makes no sense. They’re using his thing against him. It’s like, like Jesus, a carpenter who they nailed to a cross. I mean, think about it. Read about it in your Trump-brand Bibles, OK?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The judge also told Trump that if he continues to violate the gag order, he might lock him up. Melania was like, ‘Don’t let the judge tell you what to do!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump spends $9,000 at the Wendy’s drive-through.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump was like, ‘But I get the 10th one free, right?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Trump’s Kids Edition)“I forgot to tell you guys, today was Take Your Kid to Court Day.” — JIMMY FALLON“The good news for Trump is that one of his family members finally showed up at court today. The bad news is it was Eric.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Eric Trump attended his dad’s porn star hush money trial today, which in the Trump family is as close as you get to playing catch in the yard.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Today, the judge ruled that he will cancel court on May 17 so Trump can go to Barron’s high school graduation, which is funny because now Trump has to go to Barron’s high school graduation.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He woke up from a dead sleep in court and yelled, ‘Objection!’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingHannah Einbinder, the star of “Hacks,” recalled her first time on television in a conversation with Stephen Colbert on Tuesday.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe rapper Doja Cat will appear on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutMaleah Joi Moon in the Alicia Keys musical “Hell’s Kitchen.”Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesWith 13 nods each, “Hell’s Kitchen” and “Stereophonic” tied for the most nominations at this year’s Tony Awards. More