Colbert, Stephen

Jimmy Kimmel was selfishly thrilled that the House voted to keep the New York representative in office, saying Santos “will live to scam another day.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Santa Came Early for SantosRepresentative George Santos of New York will keep his seat after a Republican-led effort to expel him failed in the House on Wednesday.Late night hosts expressed their gratitude, with Jimmy Kimmel thrilled that Santos “will live to scam another day.”“It’s bittersweet because, on one hand, having a brazen liar like this in Congress is not great for the country or for his district back in New York. But, on the other hand, it’s so good for our monologue. I mean, it’s — it is solid gold, and I really want to thank everybody for keeping him around a little while longer.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You’re telling me, after all the corruption, the fraud, the money laundering, the identity theft, the fake volleyball, the mystery baby, the fake Hannah Montana, the fake Spider-Man, that Congress decided to not expel George Santos? Well, I have only one thing to say to you: Thank you! I need this. He may be a crazy criminal, but compared to all the other criminals, he’s fun!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Santos celebrated his stay of execution by going out to a nice dinner and charging it to some old lady’s credit card.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Trumps on Trial Edition)“Now, in Trump’s New York financial fraud trial, which is going on presently, the court is hearing testimony from Ivanka, Don Jr. and Eric. Or as Trump calls them ‘The pretty one, the smart one, my favorite, Don Jr., and Eric.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I haven’t seen a more likable set of brothers on trial since the Menendez boys.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Both Don Jr. and Eric claim they couldn’t remember much about any of this stuff. Eric repeatedly said, ‘I don’t focus on the financial side of things.’ He said — and this was his real answer — he said, ‘I pour concrete.’ He said that several times, he said, ‘I’m not a money guy, I’m a construction guy.’ He’s a construction guy like the guy in the Village People is a construction guy. He owns a yellow hat.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s actually convenient that all of the Trumps have testified now ’cause they’re going to use the courtroom sketches for their holiday card.” — JIMMY FALLON“Then Eric Trump took the stand and also claimed ignorance. He had to — he was under oath.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Their father was not there to cheer his sons on. Donald Trump — really, Donald Trump not showing up to watch his kids testify in a fraud trial is the Trump family version of not showing up for their school play.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingOn his last night guest-hosting “The Daily Show,” Charlamagne Tha God spoke with Doug Melville, the author of “Invisible Generals,” about documenting the untold stories of America’s first Black generals.Also, Check This OutTracey Emin at her studio in Margate, England. “I think people weren’t sure that I was sincere,” she said. “And I hope now maybe they’ll see that I am.”Charlie Gates for The New York TimesArtist Tracey Emin returns to New York with her first solo show in seven years, “Lovers Grave.” More

“You know your campaign is going terribly wrong when people only want to talk about your shoes,” the guest host said of rumors that DeSantis wears lifts to appear taller.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Must Be This Tall to RideThe Florida governor and presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis shot down rumors this week that he wears lifts in his shoes or heels to make him appear taller.“You know your campaign is going terribly wrong when people only want to talk about your shoes,” said Charlamagne Tha God, guest host of this week’s “The Daily Show.”“[imitating reporter] Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ll get to Israel-Palestine in a second. First, what the [expletive] is up with those boots, bro?’” — CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD“We need a short president, anyway. People always talk about Napoleon complexes. Well, that guy ruled the entire continent. Abraham Lincoln was tall and he got shot in the head, so you tell me — you tell me who is more successful.” — CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD“But at least now I know why DeSantis is in that huge fight with Disney: It’s not because of wokeness; it’s because you got to be this tall to ride the Magic Teacups.” — CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD“One of the most important qualities we consider when choosing a leader is that person’s height. That’s why I’ve been pushing for a President Kareem for many, many years.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But it does seem that Ron DeSantis may be wearing heels. I tell you what, throw in a tube of lipstick, and suddenly it’s illegal to teach kids in Florida public schools about their own governor.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Halloween Edition)“Happy Halloween, everyone. As you can see, I’m dressed as the scariest thing there is: an intelligent Black man with an opinion.” — CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD“It’ll look less like Halloween and more like the Running of the Barbies today.” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s a great day to ride the subway and try to figure out who’s covered in fake blood and who’s just covered in the regular kind.” — SETH MEYERS“The website CandyStore.com recently released a list of the most popular candy in the country, including Sour Patch Kids in New York, Butterfingers in Massachusetts, and Marlboro Reds in Florida.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingThe British band Depeche Mode performed “My Favourite Stranger” from their album “Memento Mori” on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe actor Henry Winkler will discuss his new memoir, “Being Henry: The Fonz … and Beyond,” with Seth Meyers on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutSunday’s reading of “The Autobiography of Malcolm X” featured more than 70 participants, including the actors April Matthis, left, Christopher-Rashee Stevenson, Peter Townsend and Courtney B. Vance.Elliott Jerome Brown Jr. for The New York TimesThe Metropolitan Opera House staged an 18-hour, all-star reading of Malcolm X’s autobiography last Sunday ahead of Anthony Davis’ opera “X,” opening this Friday. More

Stephen Colbert said he was surprised to learn that the former vice president had been running for the White House. “It hadn’t registered,” he said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Prayers AnsweredFormer Vice President Mike Pence ended his presidential campaign on Saturday, telling a crowd of supporters in Las Vegas, “It’s become clear to me that this is not my time.”On Monday, Stephen Colbert said that Pence’s time was 1692. “His place: Salem. His job: Man Who Shoves Woman Into River to See if She’s a Witch,” Colbert joked.“Now, I don’t know about you, but I was very surprised … that Mike Pence was running for president. It hadn’t registered.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Over the weekend, Mike Pence officially suspended his 2024 presidential campaign, right? Which raises an interesting question: Can you stop something that never started?” — JIMMY FALLON“Mike Pence dropped out to spend more time in a separate bedroom from his wife.” — CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD, guest host of “The Daily Show”“I will say, though, is it really ending your campaign when your campaign never got off the ground to begin with? It’s like turning down sex when you have erectile dysfunction, like, the choice was made for you already, my guy.” — CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD“Pence said he prayed over the decision, which is not surprising. After all, he titled his campaign launch memoir, ‘So Help Me God.’ God responded with his own book, ‘New Phone, Who Dis?’ Not very nice. He got ghosted. He got ghosted by the Holy Ghost.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Mike Pence made this announcement from the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas. I didn’t know Mother even allowed him to go to Las Vegas.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Sioux Close Edition)“While speaking at a campaign event yesterday in Sioux City, Iowa, former President Trump mistakenly referred to the South Dakota city of Sioux Falls. Well, that’s it, he’s got to be done now, right? I mean, 91 felony charges is one thing, but you can’t mix up the Siouxs.” — SETH MEYERS“Ooh, Sioux close, yet Sioux far away.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Biden was like, ‘Someone help that poor old man. He’s confused and disoriented.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Even the biggest Trump supporters are thinking, ‘Maybe those gag orders are a good idea.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It makes sense that he was confused: It was the first time in months he’s been in a room without a jury.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe comedian Nelson Franklin played George Santos for a segment poking fun at the disgraced House representative on Monday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightDepeche Mode will perform on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.’Also, Check This OutGeorgette SmithIn her new memoir “The Woman in Me,” Britney Spears reclaims her life, her story and herself. More

The “Late Show” host chided the new House speaker for offering little more than thoughts and prayers to survivors of the Maine shooting on his first day in office.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Major FailAddressing tragedies like mass shootings has become a regular part of late night. On Thursday night, Stephen Colbert spoke about a shooting in Lewiston, Maine, that killed 18 people and injured 13 others on Wednesday.“Some people are going to say ‘This is a mental health issue,’ others are going to say, ‘It’s a gun issue,’ but there’s no reason it can’t be both,” Colbert said. “For instance, some people are going to look at this tragedy and say, ‘We don’t have enough guns in America.’ That alone proves some of us are mentally ill.”Colbert pointed out that most Americans want bans on assault-style weapons and for Congress to take action to prevent more mass shootings, yet no one on either side of the aisle has successfully stopped them from happening.“So, ask your representative, ‘What will you do?’ If they don’t have an answer immediately at hand, if they say it’s too soon to talk about this, that means they’ve never really given it any serious thought. Because they’ve had plenty of time since Uvalde and Marjory Stoneman Douglas and Sandy Hook and the Pulse nightclub. So if they don’t have an answer now, they will never have an answer.” — STEPHEN COLBERTHe expressed disappointment over a lack of new ideas from recently elected House speaker Mike Johnson, “a self-professed devoutly religious man,” who offered little comfort to Americans in a statement during his first day in office, which amounted to little more than thoughts and prayers.“We’re already capable of hope and prayer ourselves. You’re capable of governing, theoretically. And I’m sorry if that sounds like too hard of a job for you. If that seems like too hard of a job, you know who’s really got a hard job now? The people in Lewiston, Maine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And there are very few people like Mainers. I know Mainers. I love Mainers. They’re strong people. They’ve got Moxie — literally, it’s the name of the official state soft drink. It tastes like carbonated cough syrup, but they drink it anyway, ’cause Mainers are tough. These are people whose idea of a beach is a collection of jagged rocks near freezing water. Their state flower, the Maine state flower — and this is true — is a frickin’ pine cone!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And I dare anyone in power to show a fraction of the courage of all the families who have faced their tragedies and faced our failure to change.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Getting to Know You Edition)“Republicans yesterday elected Mike Johnson the 56th speaker of the House, which is crazy ’cause a month ago, we were only at 12.” — SETH MEYERS“Meanwhile, earlier today, Mike Johnson met with President Biden for the first time since becoming speaker. Johnson is pretty famous for being an election denier, so it got pretty awkward when he said, ‘Good to meet you, ‘President Biden. ’” — JIMMY FALLON“But the meeting was very friendly. Biden even invited Johnson to pet his dog.” — JIMMY FALLON“Biden told a story about his days in Congress, and by the time it was over, Johnson was already voted out as speaker.” — JIMMY FALLON“Johnson is also extremely anti-LGBTQ, saying: ‘Homosexual marriage is the dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy that could doom even the strongest republic.’ If you’re doin’ it right.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe comedian Jeff Ross dressed down kids in Halloween costumes for “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutCailee Spaeny in “Priscilla.”Sabrina Lantos/A24Adapted from Priscilla Presley’s 1985 memoir, “Elvis and Me,” Sofia Coppola’s new film, “Priscilla,” re-examines the King from his young wife’s point of view. More

“This morning, I didn’t even know who Tom Emmer was,” Kimmel said about a short-lived candidate for House speaker. “Now, I still don’t. I have no idea.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘You Will Be Googled’Representative Tom Emmer, Republican of Minnesota, was nominated for speaker of the House on Tuesday before withdrawing because of a lack of support from the right.Jimmy Kimmel joked that it was just the latest history-making delay of the House “ungaveling before our eyes.”“In the history of our country, there has never been a situation like this. And there’s nothing in the Constitution that covers it, because the founding fathers, as forward-thinking as they were, never imagined such a large group of elected officials being so unbelievably dumb.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This morning, I didn’t even know who Tom Emmer was. Now, I still don’t. I have no idea.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“According to people I pay to care about it, Emmer is the House majority whip. He sits on the Financial Services Committee, and, perhaps most notably, he got two D.U.I.s, then sponsored legislation to lower the legal penalties that face accused drunk drivers. OK, so a little self-serving? He also introduced H.R. 2435: That Mailbox Was Already Knocked Down.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Altoids last longer than these Republican nominees.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Martin Scorsese’s out here making movies that last longer than speaker candidates.” — DESUS NICE, guest host of “The Daily Show”“Farewell, Tom Emmer. You will be Googled.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“At this point, I’d call the G.O.P. a clown car, but clowns go to college.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Who Flips Next? Edition)“Trump 2020 campaign lawyer Jenna Ellis pleaded guilty today to a criminal charge in the Georgia election interference case, making her former President Trump’s fourth co-defendant of the trial to plead guilty. So I guess, in the end, he did teach them all ‘The Art of the Deal.’” — SETH MEYERS“That’s three Trump lawyers in one week! Which leads us to America’s favorite new game show: ‘Who … Flips … Next?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Right now, half of Trump’s lawyers are trying to keep him out of prison; the other half are trying to keep themselves out of prison.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingMick Jagger joined Jimmy Fallon to divulge some “Freezer Secrets” on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe Canadian stand-up comedian, actor and writer Mae Martin will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutThe Birmingham Royal Ballet performing “Black Sabbath: The Ballet,” which has had sold-out runs in England in Birmingham, Plymouth and London.Ellie Smith for The New York TimesHeavy metal meets classical dance in the Birmingham Royal Ballet’s smash hit, “Black Sabbath: The Ballet.” More